socialitesleaveme

OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNightTheJohnSimmonsShortFictionAwardUniversityofIowaPressIowaCityThisbeNissenOutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNightUniversityofIowaPress,IowaCity52242Copyright1999byThisbeNissenAllrightsreservedPrintedintheUnitedStatesofAmericahttp://www.
uiowa.
edu/uipressNopartofthisbookmaybereproducedorusedinanyformorbyanymeans,electronicormechanical,includingphotocopyingandrecording,withoutpermissioninwritingfromthepublisher.
Allreasonablestepshavebeentakentocontactcopyrightholdersofmaterialusedinthisbook.
Thepublisherwouldbepleasedtomakesuitablearrangementswithanywhomithasnotbeenpossibletoreach.
Thisisaworkofction;anyresemblancetoactualeventsorpersonsisentirelycoincidental.
Printedonacid-freepaper"Iowa(TravelingIII)"byDarWilliams,copyright1996byBurningFieldMusic(ASCAP),administeredbyBug;seewww.
darwilliams.
com.
LibraryofCongressCataloging-in-PublicationDataNissen,Thisbe,1972–Outofthegirls'roomandintothenight/ThisbeNissen.
p.
cm.
—(TheJohnSimmonsshortctionaward)isbn0-87745-691-7(paper)1.
UnitedStates—Sociallifeandcustoms—20thcentury—Fiction.
2.
Lovestories,American.
I.
Title.
II.
Series.
ps3564.
i79o971999813.
54—dc2199-166729900010203p54321Formyparents,foreverything.
I'veneverhadawaywithwomen,ButthehillsofIowamakemewishthatIcould.
AndI'veneverfoundawaytosayIloveyou,Butifthechancecameby,Iwould.
—darwilliams,"Iowa(TravelingIII)"TheMushroomGirl/1AttheNo.
1PhoenixGarden/18ApplePie/20WhentheRainWashesYouCleanYou'llKnow/33TheRatherUnlikelyCourtshipofEdwinAndersonandRozRosenzweig/42Grover,KingofNebraska/5329thStreetPlayground,September1968/63WhatSafetyIs/66WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNow/79FundamentalsofCommunication/91FlowersintheDustbin,PoisonintheHumanMachine/95MailingIncorrectly/11731/2x5/129819Walnut/131AccidentalLove/148HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeing/159Jono,anElegy/171TheGirlatChichénItzá/180TheEstate/185ABungalow,KohTao/196Grog/199ContentsAfterTwenty-FiveYears,atthePalaisRoyale/210ThinkaboutifYouWant/212TheAnimal'sBestInterest/225OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNight/236acknowledgmentsThank-yousofallshapesandkindstotheteachers,editors,andfriendswhomadethisbookpossible:MarilynneRobinsonandFrankConroyandJimMcPherson,DianeVreulsandDavidWalker,KatieHubert,PatriciaLaw-rence,AllisonAmend,ErinErgenbright,PeterOrner,LisaMiya-Jervis,BenSchrank,LoisRosenthal,EricSimonoff,theBreadLoafWriters'Conference,theJamesMichenerSociety,DarWilliamsandCharlieHunterfortheirgenerosityintheuseoftheepigraph,SandyDyasforherhauntingcoverphotograph,everyoneattheUniversityofIowaWriters'Workshopwhohelpedthesestoriesthroughtheirinception,thejournaleditorswhogavethemhomesalongtheway,andeveryoneattheUniversityofIowaPressforseeingthemthisfar.
Andforalltheirsupport:MichelleFormanandmyparents,MyraandTonyNissen.
"AttheNo.
1PhoenixGarden"appearedinStory(spring1997).
"ApplePie"appearedinSycamoreReview(winter/spring1998).
"AfterTwenty-FiveYears,atthePalaisRoyale"appearedintheJournal(spring1999).
"MailingIncorrectly"appearedinReedMagazine(1998).
"AccidentalLove"appearedinSeventeen(December1996).
"TheEstate"appearedinHamptonShorts(1997).
"Grog"appearedinSpelunkerFlophouse.
"ABungalow,KohTao"appearedinFourteenHills(spring/summer1999).
"ThinkaboutifYouWant"appearedas"ABrownstone,ParkSlope"intheNorthAmericanReview(May/August1999).
"31/25"appearedintheWisconsinReview(spring1999).
"TheAnimal'sBestInterest"appearedintheNewOrleansReview(fall1999).
"FundamentalsofCommunication"appearedinAtlanticUnbound(September1999)onthewebatwww:theatlantic.
com.
OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNightTheMushroomGirlWhenDrewrstseesMaudsheissittingonastoopacrossthestreet.
Drew'sgoneoutsideforacigaretteandwatchesherfromtheshadowoftheMoviePlacedoorframe.
Sheiseatingmushroomsfromasmallcartononherlap.
Shedustsoffthedirt,peelsoffsomeoftheouterskin.
Whensheputsthesteminhermouth,itlooksforasecondlikeshe'ssuckingapacier.
Poppingthecapoff,shelooksitoverclosely,nibblinginsmall,circumnavigatingbites.
Drewthinksthathehasneverseenany-thingsolovelyandsosadbeforeinhislife.
Sheisskinny,themushroomgirl,withthin,blondhairpulledoffherfaceandalong,crookednose.
Heghtstheurgetoraceacrossthestreetandtellherthatifhecouldjustwatchhereatmushroomslikethatfor1therestofhislifehewouldneverneedanythingelse.
Everythingwouldbeokayifshewouldjuststaythereonthatstoopforever.
ThenexttimeheseeshersheissearchingtheMusicalsshelf.
"I'mlookingforSouthPacicandIdon'tseeitouthere,"shesays,irked.
"Someonejustrentedit,"heblurtsout.
"I'msorry.
IstheresomethingelseIcangetyou""No.
"Anexasperatedsnort.
"Theregomybigplansforthenight.
"Drewcanthinkoftenthousandthingsshecoulddotonight.
FewoftheminvolveSouthPacic.
Hecan'tstandtheideaofherleavingthestore.
Sheisluminous.
Heispreparedtoofferheranything.
"WejustgotApocalypseNowbackin;that'sgotatropicalset-tingtoo.
.
.
Oryoucouldgetagoodoldone:somethingclassic,trustedentertainment,like.
.
.
OrhaveyouseenWingsofDe-sireIt'sinGerman,butit'sbeautiful.
.
.
"Shecutshimoff.
"SubtitlesLook,forgetit.
"Sheheftsherbaghigheronhershoulder.
"It'sreallynotabigdeal.
I'llsurvive.
"Sheheadsforthedoor.
Drewgrabstheclosestvideoboxtohimandholdsitouttoher.
"Howaboutthis"heasks.
Sheturnstolook.
"Nothanks.
"She'sthoroughlyrepulsed,he'ssure,ashewatchesherspinawayagain,towardthedoor.
Drewislefthold-ingontoCarrieinherblood-drenchedpromdress,staringafterhismushroomgirl.
Oryoucouldgetalovestory,hewantstocallout,likeWestSideStory,orTheWayWeWere,orAnnieHall,orLoveStory.
.
.
ButMaudistrompingoutofthestore,abulgingtotebagbouncingagainstherhip.
"Icysh,"saysMitch,themanager.
"Whatdoyouthinkshehasinthatbag"Drewaskshim.
MitchisaJerseyBoy,oneofthoseguyswho'sliftedsomanyweightsinhistimethathecan'twalkrightanymore.
Heswagger-waddlesbackoutontotheoor.
2TheMushroomGirl"Lipstick,tampons,thoseballed-upusedtissuesthatgirlsal-wayshavethatgothroughthelaundryandshedallovertheplace.
.
.
""Youthinkshe'spretty"Drewasks.
"Yeesh!
"Mitchshudders.
"Yeah,ifyou'reintotheMissAusch-witzlook.
CanyouimaginefuckingagirllikethatEeesh.
"Heshuddersagain.
"Likeyou'reonetotalk,MisterI-have-a-poster-of-Heather-Locklear-on-every-exposed-wall-of-my-apartment.
""Thedifference,myfriendHeatherLocklearishot.
Thatgirl,"hegesturesoutthedoor,"isweird.
""IthinkI'minlove,"Drewsays.
MitchislookingatDrewlikehe'salunatic.
Andmaybeheis.
ButDrewdoesn'twantwhatMitchwants:foxydatesforSatur-daynightsatcheesyclubsandsexywaitressestocheckoutatthesportsbar.
Hedoesn'tevenwantwhathe'ssupposedtowant:apartner,compatibility,we-both-like-to-take-long-walks-with-our-dogkindoflove.
That'syuppielove.
Drewwantscrazylove:fated,astrological,intense,cosmic,I-saw-you-and-I-knewlove.
Hethinksmaybehecouldndthatwiththemushroomgirl.
Hedoesn'tknowwhyhethinksthis,hejustdoes.
"Iknow,"Drewmutters,"Iknow.
""Don'tgetallobsessedwithsomechickyou'velaideyesononce,OK"Mitchsays.
Heisatthecomputernow,punchingkeysandscrollingscreens.
Twice,Drewwantstotellhim.
I'veseenhertwice.
Firstonthestoopeatingmushrooms.
Shewassobeautifulandsolonely-looking—"I'veseenhertwice,"hesays.
"OhJesus,it'stoolate,"Mitchthrowsuphishands.
"He'sal-readygone.
"Maudistwenty-fourandwisheslifeworkedlikemusicalthe-ater:thatpeopleburstintosonginthemiddleofbarsandstreets,clickingtheirheelsandswingingonlampposts.
Duct-tapedjazzshoeswhiskacrossthestudiooor.
Zark,thepianist,plunksoutaSouthPacicmedley.
BobStarry'scanerapsTheMushroomGirl3intimetothemusic,hisinstructions—"lunge,NOW,pivotpivotUPUP!
Whereisthelife!
!
TheLIFE!
!
!
"—riseoverthedanc-ers'song—"I'mstucklikeadopewithathingcalledhope.
"Maud,atthispoint,isunabletopantoutachorus,letalonedanceandsingatthesametime.
Barreexercisesaloneleaveherbreath-less.
Thestudioairisdensewithsweat,andthepollencountissoaring.
Wheezing,Maudbreaksfromthegroup.
Shegrabsherbagfromthepileoflegwarmersandsweatshirtsbythemirrorsandheadsforthestudiodoor.
"Youareleavingus,mydear"BobStarryshoutsdramaticallyacrosstheroom.
Bobcallseveryone"mydear.
"EvenZark.
"Ican'tbreathe,"Maudshakesherhead,palmtohertemple.
It'sthethirdclassthisweekshe'sgivenupon.
"Mydear,mydear,whatwillwedo"Bob'sconcernisover-blown,asaremostofhisgestures.
Hecarriesoneverydaycon-versationasifhewereactingforthelastrowofthebalcony.
"Whenthedancingbegins,youee.
OurCinderella,"hesays,butalreadyheisturningbacktohischorus,thetapofhiscanefallinginwiththeirsteps.
"Yousayyouaredancers"hebellows.
"Thendance.
Dance!
"Maudlookslikeadancer.
Looksliketherestofthemanyway:juttingjaws,gnarledfeet,double-jointedlimbs,knobbyspinesandspinyribspokingthroughthreadbareleotards.
Likethem,shehasarrangedhertinylifearoundclassesatthisstudioandcattle-callauditionswherehershotatdancingonBroadwayisaboutasgoodashershotatNewYorkLotto.
Allyouneedisadollarandadream.
Butlatelythisbreathingthinghasbeenget-tingworse,andsheknowsshe'sgoingtohavetodosomethingaboutit.
Dancerswhocan'tbreathearedancerswhocan'tdance.
Anddancerswhocan'tdancearen'tdancers.
Weekspasswithnosignofthemushroomgirl.
Whenshe-nallydoesresurface,Drewdoesn'tevenrealizeit'sher.
Shecallsthevideostoretoplaceadeliveryorder,andDrewdoesn'trecog-nizehervoice.
Itdoesn'tevendawnonhimuntilsheplacesheror-der:42ndStreet,Camelot,Grease,KissMeKate,Pippin,Show-boat,WestSideStory.
Sherequeststhatthemoviesbechargedto4TheMushroomGirlhercreditcardanddeliveredtoMaudSchloss,16East94th,fthoor.
Thebellistoberungonceandthemoviesleftintheen-trancevestibule.
Sheisill.
"Highlycontagious,"shetellshim.
Shecannothavecontactwithanyone.
Heknowswhereshelives!
TheRedDeathcouldn'tstophim.
WhenDrewarrivesatnumber16,heringsthebellmarkedSchlossandwaitsintheentranceway.
Throughtheglass-paneddoor,hecanseeintoadimlobbyarea.
Astaircasebeginsattherightandveersoffbehindthewall.
Hehearsscufing.
Hethrustshishandsdeepinhispocketsasiftohidehiswholebodyinthemsoshewillnotnoticehimthere.
Hehasnoideawhathewillsaytoher.
Hethinksaboutrunning,buthislegswon'tmove.
Sheroundsthebendinthestairs,appearsonthelanding,starts,andducksbackbehindthewall.
Acongealedvoiceechoesoutintothelobby:"Iexpresslyaskedforthemoviestobeleftatthedoor.
"Thereisanedge—desperationAnger"Pleasegoaway!
"Drew'spalmssweatinhispockets.
Hislegistwitching.
Heleansintowardtheglass.
"I'mreallysorry,I'mleaving,I'llgo.
.
.
"Hedropsthevideosandhurriesoutthefrontdoorontothestreet.
Hefeelslikeavoyeur,apeeper,asthoughhe'sinvadedhersome-how.
"Iamanasshole.
Iamanasshole.
Iamanasshole,"hebe-rateshimself.
Hesquintsintothesun.
Hewisheshecouldgethigh.
Generally,hedoesn'thatehimselfasmuchafteracoupleofbonghits.
Backbehindthedesk,intheair-conditionedvideostore,Drewrecallsherfaceashesawitforthatmomentthroughthedoor.
Itwasstrangelyshadowed,puffy.
Therewasapieceofwhite,likesurgicaltape,acrosshernose.
"Hey,Mitch,"hesays.
"YouknowthatgirlThereallythinone.
SouthPacic"MitchturnsfromtheVCRhe'sadjusting.
Casablancahasnoverticalhold.
"IcyGirl"Drewfeelsembarrassed.
"Youknowanythingabouther"heasks.
"Likewhosheliveswith,oranything""WhatdoIlooklikeThecensusbureauHowshouldIknowwhosheliveswith"TheMushroomGirl5"I'mserious,Mitch,really.
You'vebeenherelongerthanme.
Youhaven'tseenhercomeinwithsomeoneoranything.
.
.
""Ifyouwanttoknowifshe'savailable,whydon'tyoujustaskheroutandseewhatshesays""No,"Drewshakeshishead,beckonsMitchcloser.
Mitch'seyebrowscrinkleinashestrutsover,thighmusclespackedtightasfrozenchicken.
Drewturnsawayfromthecustomers,speaksunderhisbreathtoMitch.
"ThatdeliveryItwashers.
Andshe,Idon'tknow,ImeanIdidn'tseeherupclose,butshehadabandageonhernose,and,Idon'tknow,butshelookedprettyfuckedup.
"Mitch'seyeswiden.
Hisvoicedropsanoctave.
"Youthinksomeone'sknockingheraround"heasks,hishandcuppedbyhismouth,like007inaroomheknowsisbugged.
"Idon'tknow,"Drewsays.
"Maybe.
Imean,maybeshe'sinareallybadsituation.
"Mitchisnodding,alookofrealconcernweighingonhisfeatures.
"Maybethat'swhyshe'ssothin,"Drewsays.
"Maybehedoesn'tlethereat,ortellshershe'sfat,orsomething"Mitchjumpsin.
"Maybethat'swhyshehastogetallthosemusicals.
Maybetheguyisolder—Imean,haveyoueverseenanyoneheragewhowatchesthatcrap.
.
.
"Mitch'sbrain-wheelsarechurning.
"RememberhowpissedshewaswhenSouthPacicwasoutthatonenightAndthenwedidn'tseeherforlikeaweekortwo.
Andnowsheturnsupallbeaten.
.
.
Heprobablydiditwhenshedidn'tbringhomethemoviethatnight.
Sheknewhewould,that'swhyshegotsoupset.
"Drewdoesn'tknowwhathethinks.
MitchismakingthisallsoundlikeaTVmovie.
He'dfeellikeamoronifhewaswrong.
Butwhatifhe'snotwrong"There'soneofthosedomesticviolencecenterplacesovernearmygym,"Mitchoffers.
"Icouldcheckitouttonight.
"Sweet,good-heartedMitch.
Drewcanjustseethislugofaguybumblingintothedomesticviolencecenter,gymbagslungoverhisshoulder,deckedoutinafullparachute-clothoutt,atuftofchesthairsproutingupfromthezipper.
Suddenlythewholethingseemssoabsurd:MitchandDrewplayingCagneyandLaceydur-6TheMushroomGirlingslowseasonattheMoviePlace.
"Maybeweshouldtrytondoutforsurerst,"Drewsays.
Mitchisnoddingvehementlyagain.
"Getsomeharderevi-dence.
That'sprobablybest.
Wecouldreallywindupinsultingsomeoneifwe'rewrong.
.
.
""Yeah,"Drewsays.
"Maybelet'sjustwaitawhileandsee.
"MitchnodsoncemoreandthenturnsbacktohisadjustmentsofBogart.
Drewtakesuphispositionattheregister.
MaybeheshouldjustcallacrisiscenterJustchecktoseeifthisistherightthingtodoHescroungesunderthecounterandndsaYellowPagesfromthreeyearsbefore.
HelooksupAbuse,thenHotlines,thenAssault.
ThenawomancomesinaskingforWitness,whichisout,andbythetimehe'sconvincedhertotakeSteelMagnoliasinstead,he'slosthisnerve.
"Hey,Beautiful,"Zarkcallsout,slumpingdowninthechairnexttothereceptiondesk.
Maudisinback,makingcoffee.
Sincehersurgeryshecannottakeclass,wasevensupposedtotakeabreakfromofceduties—answeringthephone,stampingclasscards,schedulingrehearsalspace,plungingstopped-uptoiletsinthedressingroom—butthey'reterriblyshort-staffed,andMaudiscominginafewhoursadaytohelpout.
"Jesus!
"ZarkbalksasMaudcomesbackfromthecoffeepot.
"Itakethe'beautiful'partback.
Whatthefuckhappenedtoyou""Itoldyou,Zark.
"Maudsits.
"Wonderofwonders:youdidn'tlisten.
Thesurgerytoundeviatemydeviatedseptum.
.
.
""Soyou'renotdeviantanymore"heasks,ddlingwiththepencilsinajarbythephone.
HepullsoneoutandstartstobouncetheeraserendonMaud'sthigh.
"Nope,"shesays,"ane,upstandingcitizen.
""Toobad,Ilikedyoudeviant,"Zarksays,grinning.
HestopsbouncingthepencilandslipsituptowardMaud'scrotch.
Shescootsherchairbackward.
Shepointstothedoor.
Zarkisajerk,butheisalsotherstpersonMaudmetinNewYork,andsheknowsthathe'snotallbad.
Insomeremote,warpedkindofwaysheknowsthatheactuallydoescareabouther.
AndTheMushroomGirl7insomesortofobligatory,piteous,I've-slept-with-you-so-I-have-to-nd-a-tiny-something-in-you-that-I-can-love-so-I'm-not-utterly-revolted-by-you-and-disgusted-with-myselfsortofway,shecaresforhimtoo.
MaudSchlosscallstheMoviePlacetomakearrangementsforanotherdelivery.
Shewillleavethesevenalready-viewedvideosinthefrontvestibuleofherbuildinginexchangeforsevennewmovies.
Drewcollectsherselectionsfromtheshelf:SingingintheRain,MeetMeinSt.
Louis,MyFairLady,TheSoundofMu-sic,Oliver,AFunnyThingHappenedontheWaytotheForum,GuysandDolls.
Hewalksto16E.
94th.
Intheentrancevestibule,ontheoor,thereisalargepapersackofgroceries.
Drewchecksthedeliverysliponthebag:Schloss.
Hepeeksinside:grapefruits,abunchofcarrots,aboxofIrishBreakfasttea,ricecakes,mushrooms,andsomethingcold,melt-ingrapidlyatthebottomofthebag.
Drewscoopsitallupjustassomeonecomesdownoffthestreetandpushesintothevestibulewithhim.
It'sayoungguyaboutsixteenwithajeanjacketonandhairthat'stryingtobelongbutisonlysucceedinginbeingex-ceedinglypuffy.
Hestartstodigaroundinhisbookbag.
"CanIhelpyou"hesaystoDrew,lookingskepticallyupathimthroughabushofhair.
"Uh,well.
.
.
yeah,"saysDrew.
"Ijust.
.
.
"Suddenlyhisbrainclicksinandastoryunfurlsitself.
"Ijustwentoutforgroceries,formygirlfriend,butshe'snotansweringthebellnowbecausesheprobablydecidedtotakeashower,whichprobablymeansI'llbeouthereallafternoon.
.
.
"Helaughs.
Helooksattheboy,whoheseesissmilingtoo.
"See,I'vegotthekeytotheapartment.
"DrewputstheMoviePlacebaginsidethegrocerybagtofreeupahandandpullshiskeyringfromhispocketwithrenewedcon-dence.
Hepicksoutthekeythatopenstheemployeebathroomatthestoreandsticksitouttowardtheboy.
"Butshehasn'thadachancetomakemeacopyforthefrontdoorlockyet,onaccountofshe'sbeenhomewiththeu.
.
.
""Noproblem,"theboysays,ippingthehairoutofhiseyes8TheMushroomGirlandopeningthedoor.
HeholdsitforDrewtocomeinbehindhim,thenstopsatthedoortothegroundoorapartment.
Drewcalls,"Thanks,man,"andheadsupthestairs.
"Hey,tellyourgirlfriendnottouseupallthehotwater—otherpeopleneedtotakeshowerstoo,"theboycallsback.
"Ihearyou,"Drewlaughs,andwhilehe'swalkinguptothefthoor,hefeelsasifwhathetoldtheboyistrue:heisgoingtoseehisgirlfriendwhoneverleaveshimanyhotwatereither.
Thisismucheasier,hethinks,thanworryingaboutwhathewilldooncehegetsalookinsideherapartment.
Whatifhe'srightWhatifsheisbeingabusedWhatwillhedothenThestairwayisdark,onlyonedimbulbinafrostedglassx-tureoneachlanding.
Onthefthoortherearetwodoors,andneitherismarked.
Drewguessesandknocksontheoneatthefrontofthebuildingfromwhichhecanhearthesporadicerup-tionofsit-comlaughtracks.
Asausage-belliedmaninawhiteundershirtandkellygreentrousersanswersthedoor.
Hehasarimofthinwhitehairencirclingabroad,shinyscalpandholdsatelevisionremotecontrolinhisbeefyhand.
Drewsetshisjaw.
"MisterSchloss"heasks.
"Mister,yes.
Schloss,no.
"Hepointsacrossthehall.
"Schloss,yes.
Mister,no.
"HepausestolookDrewover.
"Mizz,"hesaysinanominousstage-whisper,noddingatDrewasthoughtheyshareagreatandprofoundunderstanding.
Drewraiseshiseyebrowsandnodsback,uncertainwhathe'sagreeingwith.
Remoteinhand,themanpivotsandzapshisconsole.
TheTVashesoff,takingIDreamofJeanniewithit.
Drewisbeckonedtofollowacrossthehall.
Themanringsthebell,announcingloudly,"MizzSchloss,thereissomeoneheretoseeyou,MizzSchloss.
MizzSchloss,youhaveagentlemancaller.
"HeturnsandwinksatDrew,whoisgrowingincreasinglyembarrassedandwishinghehadjustleftthemoviesatthedooranded.
Inaminutethepeepholeicksopen,andDrewfeelshimselfbeingpeepedat.
"Whoareyou"asksthevoicebehindthedoor.
ThebaldingmanturnstoDrewandgiveshimalooklike,yeah,whothehellareyou"Ihaveyourvideos,"Drewsays.
"Oh,andyourgroceriestoo;theyweresittinginthevestibule.
Something'smelting,Ithink.
"TheMushroomGirl9"Howdidyougetin"Mauddemands.
"Someonewasontheirwayin.
.
.
theyletmein,"hefumbles.
"See,"proclaimstheneighbor,pointingatMaudthroughthepin-holeinthedoor.
"Itoldyouweneedabettersecuritysys-tem.
"Hestormsbacktohisownapartmentasthoughthisiswhathe'dcomeacrossthehalltosayintherstplace.
"I'veaskedfordeliveriestobeleftatthedoor,"shesays.
Drewcanonlyinterprethertoneasrackedwithpurehatred.
"I'msorry.
I.
.
.
Ididn'trealize.
.
.
but,um,I'vegotthem,Imean,I'vealreadycarriedthemuphere,couldIjust.
.
.
"Drewstops.
Theheavydoorisbeingpulledopen.
ThenMaudisfacinghim,herhairclippedupoffherface,bothhereyesblack-enedandbloodshot,surgicaltapestretchedacrosshernose.
WhenshereachesforthebaginDrew'sarms,hecanseebehindherawedgeofthetinyapartment:alightpurplequiltlitteredwithmagazines,analarmclock,abouquetofdyedcarnationsinao-rist'sreusablevase,aposterofJosephonthefarwall,spreadinghisamazingtechnicolordreamcoatinafanbehindhimlikeasatinpeacock.
"Thankyou,"shesayswithnotashredofheartandheavesthedoorclosedwithascrapeandathud.
Drewinches.
Thenhegoesbackacrossthehalltoringtheneighbor'sbellagain.
Heanswers,lookingblank,asthoughhe'sneverlaideyesonDrewbefore.
"Doesshelivetherealone"Drewasks.
"Who"themanasks.
"MissSchloss.
MizzSchloss,yourneighbor.
"Themaningsopenthedoortohisownapartmentandstepsasidetorevealasmallroomwithasinglebedagainstonewallop-positeaminifridgeandstove.
Adoortotheleftopensonabath-roomthesizeofabroomcloset.
Everyspareinchoftheapartmentistakenupbystacksofbundlednewspaper.
"Yougonnaputtwopeopleinoneofthese"hesnortsandhurriesbackinside,shuttingthedoorbehindhim.
DrewwalksbacktothestoreholdingthestackofMaud'sre-turnedvideosontopofhisheadwithbothhands,imagininghisphonecalltothepoliceprecinct.
"Hello,I'dliketoreportanosejob.
"Hetriestolaughathimself.
Hekicksatasodacan.
Itclattersintothegutter.
10TheMushroomGirlWhenMaudreturnshermovies,theswellingandbruisinginherfacehavegonedownsome,butsheiswearinglargedarksun-glassesanyway,andlongpantsandanarmyjacketalthoughit'smid-Mayandnearlyseventydegreesout.
She'sinhiding,Drewthinks.
He'dbeembarrassedtooifhe'dhadanosejob.
She'sprob-ablyavain,self-consumedbitch,hethinks.
Hehatesherformak-inghimfeelsofoolish.
HecannotlookatMaudashechecksinherreturns.
Whenheseesshe'supforafreebiehegrabsaboxofftherackbehindhimandslamsitdowninfrontofher,saying,"Yougetafreemoviewitheveryfteenrentals.
Howaboutthis"It'sRoxanne.
ThepictureshowsSteveMartinwithanosethatextendsfromoneedgeoftheboxtotheother.
Mauddoesn'tsayanything.
Herknuckleswhitenontheedgeofthecounter.
Drewlooksupatherbigowl-eyeglasses,determinedtoreturnsomeofhervenom.
Damn,hethinks,that'sonehellofanosejob:theydidn'tevenstraightenitup.
Maud'schestisheavingandthere'salittleraspingsoundeverytimesheexhales.
Thensheturnsandslamsoutofthestore,nearlyplowingoveracoupleintenniswhitesontheirwayin,holdinghands.
It'sablurofmotion,andthenthedoorfansslowlyclosedbehindher,likethecamerafade-outinaMaamovieaftereveryone'sbeenblownaway.
He'sstandingtheremomentslater,stunned,withRoxannestillinhishandwhenthedooriesopenandshestormsbackin.
ShecomestowardDrew,pantingnowwithunevenbreaths,tearingoffhersunglasses.
Hereyesarebloodshotandashing.
"Youknow,"sheyells,"youareanasshole.
"Customersturnaroundnervously,thenpretendtobedeeplyengrossedintheirmovie-boxblurbs.
"Whatthefuckgivesyouanyrightintheworldtoactlikesuchasmugfuckingasshole"Auorescentlightickers.
Maudiswheezing.
EveryoneisstaringatDrew,waitingforhisresponse.
Maudstartsdiggingthroughherbag,lookingfranticallyforsomething.
Drewwishesheknewwhat.
MitchhoversafewfeetfromMaudlikeawrestlingreferee.
Helookslikehe'safraidshe'llbite.
WhenTheMushroomGirl11Mitchseeshershakeanasthmainhalerandputittohermouth,hejerksaround,grabsachairfrombehindthecounter,andpushesMaudintoit.
Hestudiesherfacewhileshebreathes,thenputsahandonhershoulderandsays,"IstheresomeonewecancallforyouSomeplacewhereyou'llbesafe"Maudlooksathimlikehe'scrazy,andthenherhandiestoherface.
"Iamrecoveringfromsurgerytocorrectadeviatedseptum,"shetriestoclarify.
Maudlooksaround,andeveryoneisstaringbackathersympatheticallyasiftosay,yes,weknow,denialisnatural.
Thatsteelylookreentersherface.
Shestandsupquickly,pullsherbagbackonhershoulder,smoothsherhair.
"Thankyouforthechair,"shesays,curtlypolite.
SheglaresatDrew.
Sheseemsbeyondwords.
Shestridesoutofthestore.
Drewisrootedtotheoor.
Hecannotmove.
Hehopesmaybeheisdead.
Maybeshewascarryinga.
45.
MaybehehasbeengunneddownandisnowbleedingtodeathalloverSteveMartin'sproleandthelinoleumoor.
Ohgod,hethinks,thisismylifepassingbeforemyeyes,andwhatIamisanasshole.
Sheisanangel,andIamanasshole.
"Man,Drew,"Mitchwhines.
"Youcan'tdoshitlikethat.
.
.
"Hisheadgoesbackandforthindisbeliefasifhecanwillawaythewholescene.
Drewisalreadycomingaroundthecounter.
"Hey,no.
.
.
"Mitchisgoingtogetstern.
Thegroundofau-thorityisslippingfrombeneathhim.
"Drew,don'tyou.
.
.
"DrewgrabsMitch'sarm,tugginghisshirtsleeveashebacksto-wardtheentrance.
"Ihavetogo.
.
.
Ihavetoapologize.
.
.
Ihavetocatchher.
.
.
""Youcan'tjust.
.
.
"Mitch'sfacetightensindignantly,asifhe'sabouttoasserthimselfforrealthistime.
Butit'stoolate.
Drewisalreadyoutthedoor.
ThisismoreexcitementthantheMoviePlacehasseeninmonths.
Hebuzzeslongandhard.
There'sarustleofstatic.
Sheisan-swering.
SheispressingtheTALKbutton.
Sheistalking.
TALK:"Whoisit"12TheMushroomGirlMorestatic.
Drew'sheartisracing.
She'sgoingtopushLIS-TEN.
Hehastothinkofsomethingtosay.
Shehastolistentohim.
LISTEN:"It'sDrew,"hesays.
"I'mthe.
.
.
"Howtoiden-tifyhimselfHowtokeepheronthelineHecan'tmakehisbrainworkfastenough.
"I'mtheassholefromthevideostore,"hesays.
Thelinegoesdead.
Drewstartsbuzzingagain.
Hekeepsbuzz-ing.
Hedoesn'tknowwhatelsetodo.
Heisthemostpatheticpersonhecouldeverconceiveofbeing.
Buzz.
Buzz.
Buuuuuuu-uzzzzzzzzz.
"What"shedemands.
Shewaitsasecond,thenpressesLIS-TENandletshimanswer.
"Iwantedtoapologizetoyou.
.
.
"Sheletsgo.
TALK:Shepauses.
"Thankyou,"shesays.
"Nowpleasegoaway.
"ShedoesnotpressLISTEN.
Heleansonthebuzzeragain.
Shegivesin.
Heisconfused.
LISTEN:"HelloHello"TALK:"Hello.
"LISTEN:"Hello.
Don'thangup,"hesaysquickly.
"Please,Ijustwantedtotrytoexplain.
I'msorry.
Ijust,Idon'tknowwhyIactedlikethat.
It'sjustthatI'veseenyouaroundandIjustdidn'tknowhowtodealwithitexactly,andIdidn't.
Well.
Imean:Ididn'tdealwithitwell.
"TALK:"CouldyouspeakalittlemorecoherentlypleaseItmightbeeasierformetounderstandwhatyou'resayingifyouusefullsentences.
"FullsentencesHecanbarelyrememberhowtospeakEnglish.
First,hecannotmakehismouthmove.
Then,itjustsortofpopsopenonitsownandstartsspoutingthingsandhedoesn'thavethepowertomakeitstop.
LISTEN:"Didyouever.
.
.
didyoueverseethatepisodeofTheBradyBunchwhereMarshamakesadatewithakindofnerdyguy,butthenthiscuteguyasksheroutforthesamenightandsheforgetsaboutthedatewiththenerdyguy,exceptthenGregandPeterareplayingfootballinthebackyardandshegoesouttotellthemit'stimefordinnerorsomethingandshegetshitinthenosewiththefootball,andshegoes:'Ohmynose!
'andtheyTheMushroomGirl13showitinslowmotionlikefortytimes.
Imeanactuallyit'snotreally,totallyrelevantexactly,butIjust.
.
.
"TALK:"Areyouthecuteguyorthenerdyguy"LISTEN:"What"TALK:"Inthisanalogy.
Areyousupposedtobethecuteguyorthenerdyguy"LISTEN:"Well,neither,Imean,maybeboth.
But.
.
.
"Hetrailsoff.
TALK:"But.
.
.
"LISTEN:"Maybeyou'dliketocomedownhereandpunchmeinthenose"Whathewouldn'tgivetobeunconscious!
TALK:"Thatmightbegratifying.
"LISTEN:"Because,Idon'treallyknowwhy,butIreallywouldlikeyounomatterwhatyoulookedlike,andI'dreallylikeitifyou'dletmetakeyououttodinner,tosayI'msorry.
.
.
"TALK:"Look,Ihavetogo,OK"Sheclicksoff.
Hestartsinwiththebuzzer.
TALK:"Willyoustopthatplease.
"LISTEN:"Sorry,I'msorry.
Ithoughtyouweregoingtohangupagain.
"TALK:"Iwas.
Look,Iacceptyourapology,OKYoudon'thavetotakemeouttodinner.
Yourconscienceisclear.
Soifyou'dre-frainfromringingmybuzzer,I'dappreciateit.
"LISTEN:"Wait,Iwon'tringifyoupromisenottohangupbe-foreI'mdone.
.
.
"TALK:"I'msupposedtowaitforyoutonishunburdeningyourselfbeforeIcango"LISTEN:"No,no,wait,Ijustmean,warnmebeforeyou'regoingtonotlistenagain.
.
.
"TALK:"OK.
Thisisyourlastchance.
I'lllistenoncemore,thenyouhavetoleave,OK"LISTEN:"IgetonemoreOristhisit"TALK:"Thenextoneisthelastone.
Now.
Talk.
"LISTEN:"Pleaselistenallthewaythrough,OKYoudon'thavetoanswerthat,justkeeplistening.
"Hetakesadeepbreath.
"Isawyouafewweeksago,eatingmushroomsonthestoopacrossfromthestore,andIwatchedyou,andyouwereeatingthemsodeli-cately,andyoulookedsolonely,andIjustwantedtoknowyou.
Sothenyoucameintothestore,andeverythingIdidjustmade14TheMushroomGirlyouangry,andIwasn'ttryingtomakeyouangry,Ijustdidn'tknowhowtotalktoyouanditmademereallynervous,andsome-timeswhenIgetnervous,Ijuststarttalkingkindofalot.
.
.
"TALK:"Kindofalot!
"LISTEN:"Wait,areyoustilllisteningSothisismylastonenow.
OK.
Yeah,Iknow,alotalot.
Butit's,Imean,Iknowthiscity,andinNewYork,it'slike.
.
.
Ijust,Ilookatyouandyoudon'tlooklikeyou'reaveryhappypersonandmaybeI'mnoteither,butmaybe,Ithinkmaybewecouldbe.
.
.
"Hepauses,andshedoesn'tletgoofthebutton.
"Look,"hecontinues.
"Ijustthoughtthatmaybewecouldhangoutsome.
Wecouldseeifmaybetherewassomething.
Ifwewerehappy.
Ijustwantedtotellyouthat,andmaybeyou'llletmetakeyououttodinnersometime,ornotdinner,butsomething,anything.
Orifyouthink,asyouproba-blydobynow,thatIamacompletelyincoherent,unstablefool,whichgrantedIprobablyam.
.
.
"Thereisaclick,TALK,likeshe'sgoingtosaysomething.
Onlyshedoesn't.
Thereisjustamufedlaugh,andthenanotherclick.
Sheislisteningagain.
Hetakesanotherbreath.
"IthinkyouthinkI'mcrazy,andI'mnot.
I'mnotcrazy.
It'sjustthatIseeachanceforsomethingIthinkcouldmakemehappyinaworldthatisagenerallynotveryhappyplace,andIcan'tjustgiveupandwalkawayfromthatwithoutdoingeverythingIknowhowtodotomakeithappen.
I'mnotcrazy.
I'mjustnotgivingup.
Idon'twanttogotherestofmylifethinkingthatmaybewecouldhavemadeeachotherhappy.
So,OK.
So,Iguessthat'sallIwantedtosay.
Ihopeyou'llgivemeachance.
IguessI'mgoingtogonow.
I'mDrew.
Good-bye.
I'mgoing,OKOK,bye.
"Heleavesthevesti-bulebeforehehastohearherbreaktheconnection.
DrewislonggonebythetimeMaudletsgooftheLISTENbut-ton.
Shadowshavebeguntotakeoverherapartment.
Shecan'tevenlegitimatelycallitanapartment.
It'saroom.
Anearlyemptyroom.
Inacoupleofyearsshe'llbelikeSolacrossthehallandshe'llstoptakingoutthetrash;it'llbeallshehastokeephercom-pany.
TherearenobeersinMaud'sfridge,noemergencyoniondip.
Novodka,nolimes,notevenattonicwater.
NooneeverTheMushroomGirl15stopsby.
Sheneverhasanyoneover.
There'snotasparetooth-brush,anextrawashcloth,nostrangedeodorantsleftbehindbyout-of-townguests.
TheevidencepointstoexactlywhatMaud'slifeis:empty.
WhoisheanyhowAguywhodoesn'tknowher,doesn'tknowanythingabouther.
Buthowcanshejustturnawayfromsome-onewho'spickedheroutofacrowd,who'sseensomethinginherthat'slefthimcrazyandstupid,followingheraround,actinglikeafoolPartofherwantstobelievehim,though.
Tobelieveinwhathesees.
Believethatthereissomethingglowingunderherskin,behindhereyes,somethingthatonlysomeonewholovedhercouldsee.
It'sallbullshit,sheknows.
Starry-eyedfantasy.
Theblatantfactsarethathedoesnotknowher,and—romanticnotionsoffateaside—cannotfeelforherwhathesayshefeels.
Althoughhe'sright:sheislonely.
It'salsotruethatshe'snotveryhappy.
Andsheknowssheshouldn'tbelettingherselfgetdrawninbytheromanceofhim:thebig,fatedwordsandthecosmicsceneshe'spaintingherinto,yetit'shardnottobedrawn.
Evenifthewizardturnsouttobeachubbymanbehindacurtain,whenyou'restandingontheroad,wakingfromthelong,silent,poppy-sleepofthealone,youcan'thelpbutmovetowardthoseemeraldtowers,twinklingonthehorizon.
Youcan'thelpit:youwanttoknowwhatkindoflifemightawaityouinthatmagickingdom.
Abreezehaspickedupoutside.
Awind,actually.
Awindwhichfeelslikeithasmoreforcethanwindissupposedto.
OrmaybeDrewisjustlessresistantthanheshouldbe.
Hishairwhipsathisface.
HemovesawayfromMaud'sbuilding.
Heismovingto-wardthepark.
Brickandgranitetownhouseswheelpasthim.
CurledblackwroughtironashespastlikeswingingTarzanvines.
Windowpanesblindlikespotlights.
Thesidewalksparkles,specksofhotmica,silver,likestarsbeneathhisfeet.
Likehe'swalkinginthesky.
Shelaughed.
Afterhecalledhimselfafool,anincoherent,un-stable,blitheringfool,heheardherlaugh.
Shemighthavebeenlaughingathim:yes,youareafool.
Butitdidn'tfeellikethat.
16TheMushroomGirlMaybehe'sbeingdelusional.
Wishful.
Ridiculous.
Hedoesn'tthinkshewaslaughingathim.
Itwasatoss-of-the-headlaugh.
Aneyes-closedlaugh.
Alaughthatsaid,"Iknow!
"Hethinksmaybeshehasunderstoodhim.
Peopleleapoffbuildings.
Theyjumpoffsubwayplatforms,offbridges,intotheHudsonRiver.
Buttheydon'tleapunderthede-lusionthatanyone'sgoingtobetheretocatchthem.
Inthiscity,nobody'devencleanupthemessonthesidewalk.
DrewthinksheknowswhatMaudmustfeellike.
It'sasifshe'swalkingalongthestreet.
Suddenly,fromhighabove,someoneiscallingtoher.
Suchanembarrassinglackofsuicidaldecorum:thisguystandingonawindowledgeshouting,"Heyyou!
Youdownthere!
Youwiththemushrooms.
.
.
Theblond!
Yes,youwiththebeautifullycrookednose.
You!
I'mgoingtojump,andIwantyoutocatchme.
Nooneelse.
Justyou.
You'rethe.
.
.
one,two,three,readyornothereIcome.
.
.
"Andshecouldjustkeepwalking,lookaway,pretendshehasn'theard,I'msorry,Ididn'trealizeyouwerespeakingtome.
Continuealongonherwaythroughthecityofstrangers.
Orshecanstandthereonthesidewalkandopenherarms.
TheMushroomGirl17AttheNo.
1PhoenixGardenAttheNo.
1PhoenixGardenmymotherseatsmyfatherbyapatientfamilyfriend,thenpositionsherselfacrossthetable,aseaofshrimpboatsseparatinghusbandfromwife.
Mymothersitsnexttotheorchestratorofthisdinnerparty,thehandsomeprofessorofChinesewhosemonologueonTiananmenSquaremymotherwilllatercall"fascinating"butduringwhichsheisdistracted,herngersfeelingforthegrayinghairathertemples,straighteningherplacesetting,lookingacrosstomyfa-therhunchedinhischair,thethirdbuttonofhispowder-blueox-fordcomeundonetoexposeatuftofwhiteningchesthair.
Hisngers,victimsofprematureParkinsoniandecay,cannolongermaneuverbuttonthroughbuttonhole.
Hestruggleswithhis18chopsticks,tryingtofreethepairfromtheredcrepe-paperringthatbindsthem.
Mymothermouthstohim,overbrilliantlyspiceddishesandthroughcomplexconversationshecannotfol-low,"Doyouneedafork"atthesametimemotioningonefromapassingwaiterbeforemyfathercanevenbegintoprocessherquestion,abandonhisfutiletask,andmusterareply.
Hewatcheshermovepasthim,forgingon,asshedoes,toofferhotteatotheprofessor'semptycup:durablewhiteceramicetchedwithabluepastoralscene.
Twoyoungloversinaboat,likeagondola,steeredbytheyoungman'sswiftandcommandingstroke.
Mymotherglancesacrosstoherhusband,thewholeofhissick-stubbornbeingconcentratedintheslow,precariouspathofhisforkfromplatetomouth.
Sheisrememberingtheironce-upon-a-timeex-peditions,tripstoEurope—Venice,canoeingthelakeatAnnecy,myfatherguidingarentalcarthroughthetwistingroadsofal-pinepasses,uncorkingbottlesofFrenchcountrywine,extractingescargotsfromtheirbutter-slipperyshells,themasterfulthingsofwhichthosehandswereoncecapable.
Besidemymother,thedistinguishedprofessorbalancesasteamingdumplingintheairbetweenhischopsticks.
Black-coffeeiriseswide,mymotherleanstowardhim,herlipsparted,ready.
AttheNo.
1PhoenixGarden19ApplePieAtcamp,whenyouarenine,thereisaoppy-breastedBirdie-sectioncounselornamedMary-Allisonwhogivesyoupiggy-backridestothedininghall.
Butwhenyoucomebackthenextsummeryou'vegottentoobigtocarryandtooawkwardtobecute.
Mary-AllisonndslittlerBirdiestocarryonhershoul-dersacrossthebigeld.
SometimesyoustillgettowalkalongsidethemandholdMary-Allison'shand.
Also:shebraidsyourhaironcebeforeasocialattheboys'camp,loansyouherlifeguardwhistleoncamper-counselorswitchday,andletsyousitinherlapwhileshepaintsadaisyonyourcheekatthecountyfair.
OnVisitingDayyoucan'tndherforever,andyouaskBobbie,20thenurse,whosaysMary-Allisonisrunningswimdownatthewaterfrontsoyoudragyourmomanddaddownthepineyhillandstandbehindthedo-not-crosslinebythebuddy-boardandshouttoMary-Allisonattheotherendofthedock:"Mally!
Mally!
Thesearemyparents!
"Mary-Allisonturnsforasecond,startled.
Whensheseesyou,shecallstoyourparents,"It'snicetomeetyou!
"wavingwithonehandandpullingdownthebottomelasticonherorangebathingsuitwiththeotherbeforesheturnsbacktotheswimmersandringsthebuddybell.
"BUDDIES!
"thelifeguardingcounselorsshoutfromthedocksasbathing-cappedgirlstrytograbhandswiththeirswimpart-ners.
YouwanttorunoutontothedockandholdMary-Allison'shand,butyoucan'tbecauseit'sabuddycheckandbesides,nobodywouldunderstand.
Youwatchastheothergirlstreadwater,hold-ingtheirclaspedstsintheair,gasping,waitingtobecounted.
"Sheseemsverynice,"yourmothersaysdiplomaticallyasyoutrudgebackuptheneedledslope.
OnthewaterfrontyoucanhearMary-Allisoncallingforthebuddycounts:"Cindy""Twenty-twodeep,fourteenshallow,fourontheraft!
""Sooze""Four,twenty-two,fourteen!
"Youhavetopinchyoureyesshutnottocry.
Whenyoustum-bleintohisleg,yourdadsays,"Heykiddo,faitesattention!
"andgivesyourshouldersalove-squeezerightwhereyoursunburnis.
YouandVivianareleaving.
You'vebeenscoopingicecreamatCharlie'seversinceyouweretallenoughtoreachintothefreezerandpullyourselfbackout;Vivianmakesashitloadcaddyingatthecountryclub.
YourbrotherLancehasa'79FordEconolinevan,bananayellow,andifyoustartsavingnow,whenyouandVivarebothseventeenandhaveyourlicenses,you'llbeabletobuyitoffhim.
Youliveonatinyislandwhere,oncethesummerrentersgohometoNewYorkCity,everyoneknowseverythingabouteveryoneelseandnothingeverchangesyearafteryearaf-ApplePie21teryear.
Touristscallit"close-knit"and"traditional.
"Youcallitsuffocating.
Youplanyourescapeforveyearsfromnow,justaf-tertheFourthofJuly.
IndependenceDayseemsappropriate.
Thewayyouimagineit,yourparentswilldropyouoffatthehighschoolwherebuseswillbewaitingtocartyouupstatetobasketballcamp.
TheBananaVanwillbeparkedoutbehindthegym.
YouandVivianwon'tevergetonthebus.
Campwon'tmissyou;youwillhavewithdrawnyourregistrationsmonthsbefore.
You'llhaveafriendonthebusboundforAll-StarCampMohawk,armedwithacollectionofpostcardsandlettersaddressedtoyourparentsandtoVivian's.
She'llmailoneeverysooftenanditwillarriveatyourislandhomesbearingaLakePlacidpostmark,newsofthegameagainstCampStarlight,andhorrorstoriesofpoisonivy.
Thisfriendwillbethrilledtobeinonyourdiabolicalplan,giddywiththeimportanceofbeingtheonlyonewhoknowswhatyou'rereallydoing:sneakingofftosomeboy'shouseorrunningawaytoNewYorkCitytobecomestars.
Yourfriendwillthinkit'sthecoolestthinganyoneatIslandHighhasevertriedtogetawaywith.
Youwon'tdisagree.
OntheFourth,everyonewillbeintown,sittingonthecurbseatingsaltwatertaffyandtossingtheirstickypastelwrappersintothestreetlikeconfettiastheywatchtheparade:threespar-klingretrucks,allbuffedupforthedisplay;Mrs.
Robeson'sGirlScouttroops,kneesocksandpageantsashesdroopingintheheat;grandfathersstruttingslowlyinsherbet-coloredwalkingshorts,aperfectfezperchedrmlyatopeachbaldhead.
Thatnightyou'llallgodowntothebeachforcorn-on-the-cobandhotdogsandwatermelon,andastheCatherinewheelsandRomancandlesshowersparksintotheblackenedsound,youandVivianwillwatchfromunderthedocks,tuckedinthedarkness,cornsilkstuckbetweenyourteeth,lipsstickyfromapplepie,un-tilthelastaredies—whizbang!
—onthehorizonandparentstrytoout-shouteachother,callingtheirchildren'snamesintothesaltynight.
You'llridehomeinthebackofViv'smother'sSubaruwagon,tastingofbakedapplesandseaairandVivian.
Ifyoumakeit,thatwillbethelasttimeyoueverwatchthereworksfromthisbeach,onthisisland,inthisstiing,seagull-riddensound.
22ApplePieOnceineighthgradeyouandVivianarestandinginlineatthevendingmachineinthecafeteriabehindStacyWeintraub,aju-nior.
Stacygetsthelastapplepie.
Youstarethroughtheglassdownthelong,emptyaislewheresilvercoilsdisappearintothedepthsofthemachine,turntoViv,andsay,"Bummer,nomoreapple.
"Stacyisbythetrashcanandshehearsyou.
"Hey,"shesays,pullingonepie-pocketfromthewrapper,"doyouwanttheother"StacyWeintraubhasnevertalkedtoyoubefore.
"Oh,no,"youstammer.
"Ididn'tmeanyouhadto.
.
.
"Shecutsyouoff.
"Seriously,takeit.
"Shewagglesthepieto-wardyou.
Youtrynottowatchhowherbreastjigglesunderthethin,whitecottonofherT-shirt.
"Really"yousay.
"LikeIneedanotherpie!
"Stacypressesthepackageintoyourhands.
"Thanks,"yousay.
"LikeIreallyneedanapplepie.
.
.
"youadd,whackingyourselfinthestomach.
"Oh,hush,"Stacysays.
"You'vegotnothingintheworldtoworryabout.
"Shetakesabiteandclompsoffintothecafe-teriacrowd,herDocMartens—steel-toed,twelveeyelets,inoxblood—squeechingagainstthelunchroomoor.
VivpullshersackofSkittlesfromthemouthofthevendingmachine,thenturnsback,eyebrowsraisedtoyou.
Youbiteintoyourpie.
Whenyouareafreshmanandtheyareseniors,StacyWein-traubgoestothepromwithNaomiBentner.
Themorningafterthedance,allyouunderclassmengodowntoCharlie'sGrillandwaitfortheseniorstoshowupfortheirpostprombreakfast.
Theycomein:thegirlsstockingless,danglingbroken-heeleddyed-to-matchpumpsfrommanicuredngers,stiffhairpulledbackinmakeshiftbunsheldinplacewithClassof'86elasticgarterbelts.
Thecuffsoftheguys'tuxpantsdribblesandfromthebeachApplePie23wherethey'vebeensincemidnightwhentheofcialpromended.
They'vegottendrunkonSmirnoff,feltuptheirdates,andnallywatchedthesunrise.
NaomiandStacyhaven'trentedalimoliketheothers.
Naomi'soldersisterJanna,whousedtodateyourbrotherLance,ishomefromcollegeandchauffeursthegirlsinLance'sgiganticBananaVan:aqueen-sizemattressinbackandarainbowofteddybearsdancingacrosstherearwindshield.
Youwatchthroughthewin-dowofCharlie'sasJannawrenchesthedoorhandleandslidesopentheyellowcarriage.
Stacyemergesrst,hersilverpumpsgleaminginthesunlikeglassslippers.
Shehasonashimmerystretch-velvettankdressyou'veseenintheVictoria'sSecretcat-alog.
Naomiiswearingasuit.
It'svintage,fromoneofthosecoolplacesintheCity,notanotherrentedpenguinsuitmakingitsan-nualtriptotheIslandHighprom.
Naomievenhasacummer-bund.
Herbow-tie—youcanseeastheypass,arminarm,anddisappearintotheladies'room—istiedaroundStacy'sponytail.
Inthelatefallofeleventhgrade,Vivian'sdadgetsajobofferinCalifornia,threethousandmilesaway.
Thereisnothinganyonecando.
TheyleaveonagraydaybetweenChristmasandNewYear's,andyousaygood-byetoVivianoutbythewoodpileherdadchoppedandstackedallsummerandfallandnowwillneverburn.
Vivianhasonherredparka.
Hernoseisredandhercheeksandears,too.
"Wecanwrite,"yousay.
"Swearyouwill,"shesays.
"Swear.
""Metoo.
"Youhughertherebythewoodpile,wishingyoucouldstaylikethatforever,neverliftyourfacefromthedampnyloncollarofVivian'scoat.
Allyouwant—morethananythingintheworld—istostaytherelongenoughtogetupthecouragetodowhatyou'vewantedtodoforaslongasyoucanremember.
Whentheirstationwagonpullsoutofsight,youwalkhomeinthecold,relievedbyhowmuchithurts.
Onthetableinthehall24ApplePiethere'sanotefromyourmom:sheandDadhavegonetorentamovieandarebringingbackpizza,soifyou'rehungry.
.
.
Inyourroom,onyourbed,yourngersaresonumbyoucan'tholdthepentowrite.
Youwatchyourparent'sminivanpullintothedriveway,getup,andlockyourbedroomdoor.
Youdraftfourdif-ferentversionsofthesameletter.
Youusheachonedownthetoilet,watchthenotebookconfettidisappearinaporcelainwhirl-pool,everythingspiralingdown.
Weekspass.
Youfeelasifthereisacloudyscrimbetweenyouandtherestoftheworld.
Youareclumsy.
Youforgetthings.
Yourtongueistoobigforyourmouth.
Whenaletternallycomes,youcan'tfeelitbetweenyourngertips,asiftheyarefrostbittenagain.
Yousliceapapercutinyourthumbasyoutearintotheenvelope,butstillyoudon'tfeelanything.
Thewordsonthepagearebigandhappyandmakeyourmouthgotoglue.
Californiaisawesome,shewrites.
Evenschoolisgood—therearemorekidsinmyhomeroomthaninallofI.
High.
Iswear.
Imetaguy!
Craig.
I'mscaredtosaytoomuchandjinxit.
I'lltellyoudetailslater.
Ilikehim,Ithink.
Reallylikehim.
Ican'thandleitthatIgetaboyfriendandyou'renothere!
Idon'tknowhowI'llsurvivenottalkingtoyoueverytenminutes.
Thisissounfair!
AreyougoingtocomevisitComespringbreak,butnotifit'stheweekofEasterbecauseCraig'llbeawayandyouhavetomeethim.
Thereismore,aboutherdadandhisjob,andherteachers,andclasses,andmoreaboutCraigbecauseintheendshejustcan'tresisttellingyouallthedetails.
Noonewilleverbeherbestfriendlikeyouare,shewrites.
Youwillbebestfriendsforever.
Youtrytowriteback.
Really.
Therejustisn'tanythingtosay.
Byspringyougetaboyfriendtoo.
Eli.
I.
HighTribunePho-tographyeditor/Yearbookstaff/EnvironmentalClub.
YoumeethimontheEarthDaycelebrationplanningcommitteewhichyouonlyjoinedintherstplacebecauseChloeStorferiscommitteechair.
ChloeStorferlookslikeacrossbetweenMichellePfeifferandMelissaEtheridgeandhasavoicesothroatyitsoundslikeApplePie25she'sseducingthecafeteriaworkerswhensheordersthelunchspecialwithfries.
ChloeStorferlooksnothinglikeVivian.
ChloeStorferdatesPeterSanchez,whoisinyouralgebraclass.
Sometimesyouandhelendeachotherthehomework.
Usuallyyousittogether,andonespeciallyboringdaysyouplayDotsorTic-Tac-Toe,passingthepapersbackandforthbeneathyourdesks.
OnedaywhileMrs.
Fiorelloisputtingupthe"DoNow"problemsontheboardPeterpassesyouanote:Iknowsomebodythatlikesyou.
Whoyouwriteback.
EliPressman.
You'resuchaliar,youscrawl.
AskChloe,hechallenges.
YouwouldneverpassupanexcusetotalktoChloe.
Chloegrinsatyou,hereyestwinklinglikeamerrymatch-maker.
Shearrangesitsoyouandheworkthesoundboardto-gether,pipingR.
E.
M.
andCarlySimonoverthePAsystem,soyouwindupspendingEarthDaysmushedintothesoundboothwithEliPressman.
He'sprettyniceandsortofcuteandkindofstillboylikeandnotallbig-sweaty-manly,whichmakeshimaloteasiertodealwith.
YoubondoverasecretdevotiontoBillyJoelandconfesstoweepingduring"WhiletheNightIsStillYoung"whenhesangitattheMeadowlandsconcertlastyear.
WhenEarthDayisoverandyouandEliareoutsidetheboothcoilingwiresandsortingrecords,Chloeskipsover,ushedwiththesuccessofthecelebration.
"Heyyoutwo.
.
.
icecreamorwhateveratCharlie's.
.
.
clubfund'spaying.
.
.
"YouandElisplitasundae:pistachiowithstrawberrysauce.
Chloemakesgaggingnoises.
"Youguysbelongtogether,"shegroans.
ByMonday,youare"goingout"withEliPressman.
26ApplePieYourparentsthinkEliisthegreatestthingsinceslicedbread.
Eliappearstothinkyouarethegreatestthingsince"UptownGirl.
"YougoawaytobasketballcampthesummerbeforetwelfthgradeandmeetLayla,whostrikesyouasbeingthegreatestthingeverandaboutwhomyoucannotconceiveofevokingdescrip-tionsoffoodproductsorpopmedleys.
"Niceshot,"avoicesaysbehindyou.
Youturn.
"Thanks,"yousay.
"I'mLayla,"shetellsyou.
"Isn'tthatasong"youask.
"You'vegotmeonmyknees.
.
.
""Huh""MyfolkslikeClapton,"shetellsyou.
"Prettyhipfolks.
"YourparentslikeBach.
"They'reprettycool,"sheadmits.
You'reatalossforwords.
Laylasetsupashot.
She'stall—59,510—withlongstraightblondhairandbicepsthatickerlikeheartbeatsunderherskinassheshoots.
Itgoesthrough.
"AretheycomingforVisitingDay"youask,feelinglikeamoron.
"Nah,toolongadrive.
"Shesinksanother.
"Youcancomeoutwithmeandmyfolks,"youspurtout,fartooquickly.
Shedoesn'tlookatyoufunny,justcocksherheadtotheside.
"Thanks,"shesmiles,butit'sasmilewithaquestionimbeddedinitsomewhere.
"That'sreallyniceofyoutosay.
"Youaredisarmed.
"Whereareyoufrom"youmanagetoask.
"NewYork,"shetellsyou.
"NewYorkwhere""City,"shesayslikesheforgottherewereotherpartsofNewYorkState.
"How'boutyou""LongIsland,"yousay,carefultoenunciateandtopausebe-tweenthegandtheI.
"Wayout,offtheeasternshore.
Areallylittleisland.
""Wow,"shesays,tryingtograspthat.
"Notreally,"yousay.
"There'snotreallyanything'wow'aboutitintheslightest.
"Youbothlaugh.
ApplePie27Thetwoofyouareinseparablefortherestofthesummer.
LaylaisloudandsarcasticandfondoflapsingintoaphonyBrook-lynaccenttotellbadjokes.
Youareinaweofmostthingsabouther:herbasketballgame(All-Statechamp),herwardrobe(she'sfromNewYorkCityafterall),herbreasts(low-slungandmatureandutterlyfascinatingto34Aperhaps-you'd-like-one-with-a-bit-of-paddingyou),andthewayshetakesupspaceinaroom.
YougetweirdandnervousaroundherandliveinterroroffallingintoaLongIslanddrawl.
Thisdoesnotstopyoufromwantingtospendeveryminuteofthedaywithher.
Somehow,miraculously,sheseemstowanttospendeveryminuteofthedaywithyoutoo.
Youmakeeachotherlanyardbracelets,onCandyStoredaysyougetSkittlesandshegetsM&Msandyoushare,andyousaveseatsonyourblanketsforeachotheratCampreSings.
Youthinkyouhaveneverbeensohappyinyourentirelife.
Springbreak,senioryear,yourparentsinviteElitojointhefamilyonaroadtripdowntoWesternKentuckyforyourGrandmaFlo'sseventy-fthbirthdaybash.
Theyevenlethimdrivetheirminivan,whichtheyneverletyoudrive.
Yousitinthepassengerseat;MomandDadplayTwentyQuestionsinback.
"Howbigisabreadbox"Eliaskscoyly,catchingyourmother'seyeintherear-viewmirror.
Shelaughsfartooloudly.
Onthehighway,whenyoupasssignsforBigBoneLickStatePark,youtellElihehastopulloffsoyoucanbuyahat,orsomething,forLayla.
"That'sridiculous,"yourmothersays.
Elilookstornbetweenloyalties.
Finally,intheexitlane,hesays,"Itmightbegoodtogetoutandstretch,don'tyouthink,Mrs.
R.
Usethefacilities,andgetabitetoeat.
"Heisstiff,waitingforherresponse.
Youarefumingatwhatanass-kissingpansyhecanbe.
Asmilebreaksacrossyourmother'sface.
"Goodthinking,"shesays.
Youknowthatinyourmother'sworld,amanwhocaterstoherdaughter—nomatterhowabsurdherdaughtermaybe—isagoodprospec-tiveson-in-law.
Youwanttogag.
28ApplePieChloeisgoingtothepromwithPeter.
You'regoingwithEli.
Onedayincalc,youslipPeteranotewhichyouwroteoutlastnightathomebutpretendtoscrawlrightthereinclasssoitdoesn'tlookpremeditated.
YouguyswanttosharealimowithmeandEliitsays.
Sure,hisnoteanswers,that'dbegood.
Excellent,youwrite.
DidChloetellyouheasks.
Youfeelalittlescared.
You'renotsurewhy.
TellmewhatWesetadate,hisnotesays.
October16th.
Youwritesohardyoubreakyourpencilpointmidsentenceandhavetoswitchtopen.
You'regettingMARRIED!
!
Peterturnstoyou,noddinglikeathirstypuppy.
AftergraduationyouconvinceLancetolendyoutheBananaVan,whichyou'veneversucceededinbuyingfromhim.
YouandEliandLaylaaregoingtodriveacrosscountrytoseethePacicOcean,whichyouthinkeighteenyearsistoolongtohavegonewithoutseeing.
Youhaven'ttalkedtoVivianinlongerthanyoucanrememberanddon'tplanoncallingwhenyougetthere.
YoujustwanttoseeCalifornia.
Sincethedaysheleftyoustandingatthewoodpile,thestateitselfhastakenonepicproportionsinyourmind.
Themorningyousetoutissosunnyithurts.
YoupickupLaylainManhattan,andshetakesthedriver'sseattomaneuveroutofthecity.
TheBananaMobilehasathree-foot-longgearshiftshootingoutoftheoor,morephallicthanthepigs-in-a-blankettheyservedatyourSweetSixteenandmoreunwieldythanEli'spenis,whichyoundtoberidiculouslyunwieldyandtrytotanglewithasinfrequentlyaspossible.
Layladriveswiththewindowrolleddown,herhairwhippingaroundherfaceandneck.
FrombehindherseatyoureinitallintoaponytailforherandtuckitthroughthebackoftheBigBoneLickbaseballcapyougother,which,she'stoldyou,sheadoresandwearseverywhere.
AtareststopinPennsylvaniawhileLaylaisinthebath-ApplePie29room,Elipullsyourelbowtohimandwhispers:"She'skindofaditz,huh"Yougivehimalookwhichyouhopesaysdieandpretendtokneehimintheballs.
YouwalkovertothevendingmachinesandbuyM&Ms.
Eli'sallergictochocolate.
AsLayladrivesElikeepspeeringoverhershoulderatthespeedometersothatitlookslikehe'sblowinginherear,whichmakesyouwonderifwhathemeantwhenhecalledheraditzisthathethinksshe'ssexy.
"You'reworsethanmygrandmother,"yousaytoEli,tuggingathisshirt.
Yourgrandmotherisaback-seatdriverpronetobla-tantlyobviousinstructions:there'satrafclightcominguphereonthecornerandifit'sredyou'llneedtostop.
Elibacksoffandsulks.
HepicksupLayla'scameraandstartstakingpicturesoutthewindow.
Yougetmadthathe'swastingLayla'slmwithoutevenaskingherandsay,"ThisgreenblurisIndiana,ohyes,andthisgreenblur,thisisIowa.
SeethatsmudgeofwhiteThat'sacow.
"Elistartstoremindyoujustwhoisandwhoisnotphotoeditoroftheyearbook,butyoudoaGrandmaFloimpersonation,pointingatyourearsandsaying,"Honey,Idon'thear.
"Eli,whohasadoptedallofyourmother'sviewsofyourfamilyandthinksyourgrandmotherisasaint,looksatyoudisparagingly.
Youturnawayandstareoutthewindow.
YouhavevowedtostopghtingwithEli;itisn'tworthit.
It'sonlyamatteroftimeanywaybeforeyouhavetotellhim.
Andeveryoneelse.
TherstnightontheroadyoustaywithfriendsofLayla'spar-ents,professorsatalittlecollegeinOhio.
Theyhaveabig,expen-sivehouse,andyoueachgetyourownroom.
ThesecondnightontheroadyoustayinIowaCityattheChristianCommunityYouthHosteleventhoughallthreeofyouareJewish.
Toyourdelightthereareseparatedormroomsformenandwomen,andyougettosharewithLaylawhileElihastosleepwithasquawkingsoccerteamfromDesMoines.
Thegirls'roomisturquoiseandgreen,withSundayschooldrawingstapedtothewalls:Crayolarenditionsofbiblicalscenestitledinpre-schoolpenmanship.
JOHN'sNisbackward,Ezekiel'sEhassevenprongsinsteadofthree.
Theooriscoveredwithagrittyshagrug,swirledinshadesofaquamarineandinfestedwitheas.
YouandLaylaspendthenightonafoam-rubbermattress,alsoriddled30ApplePiewitheas.
Youdon'tsleepmuchfortheitching.
Once,whenyouwakeup,Laylaisn'tnexttoyou.
Youraiseyourheadandtwistaroundtondhersittingbythewindow:thesilhouetteofagirl.
Withoutturning,shespeakslikesheknowsyou'relistening.
Wecouldstay,shesaystothesky.
GettoCaliforniaandnevergoback.
Justus.
Wecould.
Yourealizeyouarenodding.
Younodyourselftosleep.
ThenextdayElidrives.
YouandLaylasprawlinthebackeatingFunyunRingsandSkweez-CheezandsingingeverysongfromeveryBroadwaymusicalyou'veeverknown.
Elithreatenstopulloverifyoudon'tstop.
LaylagetsoutherWalkmanandtheRedHotChiliPeppers,clipstheheadphonesoverEli'sears,andcranksthevolume.
Thetwoofyoupickup"I'mGonnaWashThatManRightouttaMyHair"rightwhereyouleftoff.
InCheyenneyoustaywithLayla'sauntanduncleandtheirnewbaby,Fred,whostickshisngersinEli'searsandyells,"MAMA!
"AuntGayleandUncleJimputyoutosleepintheirbasement-turned-rec-roominsleepingbagsontheoor.
YousleepinbetweenLaylaandEliandhaveadreaminwhichyouarewalkingthroughasnowstormwithLaylaononesideandEliontheother.
YougointoajewelrystorewhereElibuysacheapmoodringandproposestoyouonbendedknee.
Laylaturnsintoabutteryandiesaway.
Youpierceyournosewiththeringandwalkbackoutintothesnowalone.
Youwakeupwithasleep-dentinyournosefromlyingface-downonazipper.
Youpullanall-nighterthroughNevada,impatienttogettotheoceanandwillingtoforgothesightsofElkoandWinnemuccainthenameofspeed.
YouhitSanFranciscoatsunriseandbuygro-ceriesfromasupermarketcalledLucky,becauseyouneverknow:itcouldbe.
Highway1takesyoudownthecoast,astreamofan-noyedPorschesatyourtail.
TheBananaVanwasnotdesignedforskinny,curvy,cliff-sideroads.
Elipullsoffatascenicoverlookandletsthetrafcpass.
ThePacicOceanisbreathtaking.
Thewateristhebluestthingyou'veeverseenandyoucannottakeyoureyesfromit,wavescrestingstarkwhiteandcrashingintotherockswithaforceyouaresurewillimminentlyerodethecliffonwhichyouarestand-ing.
Elisaysheisexhaustedandclimbsintotheback,heaveshim-selfontothemattress,andfallsasleepnearlyimmediately,alittleApplePie31puddleofdroolformingonthesweatshirthe'susingasapillow.
YouandLaylaarenotsomuchsleepyasravenous.
LaylareachesintoyourLuckygrocerybagandpullsouttheday-oldapplecrumbpieyouboughtforadollarninety-nine.
You'vegotaquartofmilkinthePlaymatechestyourmothermadeyoubringalong"forperishables.
"Youboughtthemilkatagas-martnearRenointhemiddleofthenighttolightenEli'scoffee.
Hesaidhe'dpukeifheconsumedanymorenondairycreamer.
Youdidn'treallyblamehim.
YouandLaylagoupfront,tryingnottodisturbElibutknow-ingthathecouldsleepthroughanearthquake.
Thewayyou'vebeentohimthistrip,he'sprobablygladtoleaveyoutwoalone.
Youthinkheprobablywon'tputupwithyouformuchlonger.
Laylaiscurledonthepassengerseat,balancingthepiebetweenthegearshiftandtheopenashtray.
Youtakethedriver'sseat,passingthemilkbetweenyouinaDunkinDonutsmugyoundintheglovecompartment.
Laylaeatsthepiecrust,makingherwayaroundthecircumference,thennudgingasidetheapplestoexcavatethebottom.
Youpickatthecrumbtopping,dribblingitacrosstheseatandthroughyourhaironthewaytoyourmouth.
(Elialwayssays:Whycan'tyoujusttakeawholepieceofpieandeatit,likenormalpeopleItdoesn'ttasteasgood,youtellhim.
Youliketopick.
)Youholdupastickyhand,laughingsilently.
Laylagrinsandreachesoutforit.
Sheputsyoursugaryngersintohermouthand,onebyone,licksthemclean.
Therearepie-crustcrumbsinLayla'shairandyoustraddlethegearshiftandclimboverintoherlaptopickthemout.
Thenyoukissher.
You'vealwaysexpectedLayla'steethwouldbesomehowsoft,likecookedapples.
Instead,theyareslickandhard,likeporcelain.
EatingapplepieandkissingLaylaislikelickingthebottomofacerealbowl.
It'slikeAppleJacks.
WhenyoujoinElionthemattress,youspoonaroundLayla.
Shesnugglesbackwardintoyourarms,andyoufallasleeplikethat,Eli'ssnoresnotwithstanding.
Pieinnardslieinagelatinousheapinthebox,stillopenonthefrontseat.
BreakfastforEli,yougure.
Whenhewakesup.
Yourealizeyouhaven'tsavedhimanymilk.
32ApplePieWhentheRainWashesYouCleanYou'llKnowAyearaftermyfatherwaskilledbyanexplod-ingmanholecover,JoanieSlesengermovedintoapartment2A,rightabovemeandmymother.
Soonafterward,amanwhosaidhewasJoanie'sfathercalledandaskedmymotherifhemightspeakwiththelandlordofthebuilding.
"Landlady,"mymothertoldhim.
"Myhusband'sdead.
""Sosorry,ma'am,"saidtheman.
"AsamI,"mymothersaid.
"Mydaughter,Joanie,"hebegan,"isadelicategirl.
She'slovely.
Harmlessasbread.
Butsensitive.
Icallnottoarouseconcernbutsimplytomakeyouawareofhercircumstance.
""Whichiswhat,Mr.
Slesenger"Mymotherforbadeaerosol33sprays,reptiles,androdents.
Beyondthat,ifsomeonewantedtorentanapartment,shedidn'taskquestions.
"It'snocauseforalarm.
Imerelythoughtitineveryone'sbestinterestthatIbringtheseissuestoyourattention.
Iwouldn'twantforyoutobesurprisedordisquietedbyJoanie'sbehavior,shoulditstrikeyouasexistingoutsidearangewhichyoumightconsidernormal.
"Hepaused.
"Isyourdaughterapsychopath""Ohno,nonononononono,"Mr.
Slesengercriedinacadencethatsounded,tomeonthekitchenextension,asoperaticasthetrillsthatechoedfromhisdaughter'sapartment.
Mr.
Slesenger'spaternitywasproven.
Joaniesangincessantly,alongwiththera-dio,andheroorwasmyceiling,soIhearditall.
Shehadadecentvoice.
Kindofloudthough,toomuchvibrato.
Itwasalittlehardtotakesometimes.
"Issheadangertome,ormydaughter,oranyofmyotherten-ants"mymotherasked.
"Ohno.
""Issheuptosomethingillegal""Nono,nothinglikethat.
""Doesshehaveseizures""No.
""PracticevoodooDrinksheep'sbloodSacricefarmani-mals""Ma'am""Iappreciateyourconcernthen,Mr.
Slesenger,butIthinkwe'llallbejustnehere.
"Shehungup.
Ofmusic,mymotherquiteapproved.
MymotherwasatWoodstockandclaimstohavesuckedJanisJoplin'stit.
Myfatherwasachiropractorwhocapitulatednallyandallowedmymothertoput"Glory"onmybirthcerticateonlyaftershethreatenedtocallallhisclientsandtellthemthatthemanwhocrackedtheirspinesandmanipulatedtheirverte-braesmokedafattyeverysinglenightbeforehewenttobed.
MyfatherrelentedbutnevercalledmeanythingbutGloria.
ThenonenightlastMarchhewentoutduringathunderstormtomove34TheRainWashesYouCleanourcarfromonesideofthestreettotheother.
AlternateSideoftheStreetParkingwasineffectforManhattan.
Fromwhatwe'vebeentold,ofcialsbelieveitwasachemicalreactioncausedbythewintersandandroadsaltthatseeped,duringthethawandsubse-quentrunoff,intothemanhole.
Therewassomesortofgasex-plosionthen,theforceofwhichblewthehundred-poundman-holecoverthirtyfeetintheair.
Itlandedontheroofofmyfather'sbrandnew'82FordFiesta.
Thecrushkilledhiminstantly.
AmonthafterJoaniemovedin,shecamedownstairsandknockedonourdoorat7:30inthemorningwearingablueacrylicbathrobe,herfeetpushedhalfwayintoapairoftennisshoes,thebacksattenedmercilesslybeneathherheels,andaskedmymotherifshecouldhaveawordwithme.
MymotherinsisteditwasnotbecauseofMr.
Slesenger'sphonewarningthatsheletJoanieintoourapartmentthatmorningandpointedherdownthehalltomybedroom.
Joaniehadcometothedoorandaskedtospeaktome,andtherewasnothingintheworldmoretoitthanthat.
Joanieshufedin,herrobeclingingstatictothepantyhoseshehadonunderneath.
MymothershoutedmynameandthenleftmetoJoanie,dashingbacktothekitchentorescueherEn-glishmufnfromthebroilerbeforethesmokealarmwentoff.
Iwasn'tasleep.
IhadanEnglishexamthirdperiodandhadbeenupsincesixrereadingthebook(Ms.
Friedlingwaspartialtoquestionslike"InSalinger's'JustbeforetheWarwiththeEski-mos,'howmuchmoneydoesGinnyclaimSelenaowesherforcabfare"),soIwasquiteawakewhenJoanieappearedinmydoor-way,herheadcockedtooneside,restingagainstthedoorframelikeIimaginemyfolksdidwhenIwaslittleandthey'dcomehomefromayogaclassoralecture,paythesitter,andthencomeintocheckonme,oneofthemlingeringinthedoorwayforamomentextra,gazingovertheirsleepingbabe.
Iputdownmybookandliftedmyheadfromthepillow.
Ihadn'treallytalkedtoJoanieinthemonthshe'dlivedupstairs,justoc-casionalhallwaychitchat,butshestartedinasiftherewasnoth-ingunusualatallaboutherpresenceinmybedroomonaweek-daymorningbeforeschool.
"Glory,Glory,Gloria,"shesaid,lollingoverthewordslikeMs.
FriedlingdidwhenshereadWordsworthaloud.
"Glory,Glory,Glory.
.
.
"Shewasstartingtosingsong,hervoicewhis-TheRainWashesYouClean35peryandcracklingandkindofeerie.
"Gloria,"shesaid,"therearesomethingsthatIneedverymuchtodiscusswithyou.
"Ididn'tsayanything.
Ijustlaytherestaringather.
Joanie'shairwasyellowishandlookedlikeithadbeenpermedoncebuthadn'tgrownoutcompletely.
Sheclosedhereyesandtookadeep,con-centratedbreath,likeagymnastcenteringherselfbeforearoutineoranactressgettingintocharacterbackstage.
Whensheopenedhereyesagainshesaid,"Therearethingsthatyouwillneedtoknowinlife,andmostthingsnoonecantellyou.
You'llhavetodiscoverthoseonyourown.
ButIknowsomethingsthatmaybemighthelpyou.
Maybeyoualreadyknowmorethanyoushould.
Yourfather.
.
.
you'vebeenforcedtogrowupearly.
Knowledgeis,inmanyways,power.
Andit'snotthatIthinkpowerisulti-matelyagoodthingreally,butifthealternativeispowerlessness,andifIcanhelpyouavoidthat,thatcrippling,thenmaybeI'vedoneyourightinsomeway.
"Shebreathedinhard,thenlookedquicklyaroundmyroom,likeshe'dsuddenlyrealizedtimewasanimperative.
Shegrabbedmydeskchairinonehandandsetitdownbesidemybed,anoverlydramaticgesturethatremindedmeofMr.
Sachs,ourGuidomathteacherwhotriedtoteachge-ometrywithmovesoutofSaturdayNightFever.
Joaniesatatmybedside.
"Pleaseremember.
I'dhavewrittenyoualetter,butIdon'twanttotrivializeanything.
Ballpointcanbesomaudlin.
"Shepaused,asiftocollectherthoughts.
"Whenyourmomisout,"sheasked,"whenyou'rehomealone,doyouanswerthetelephone""Yeah,"Isaid.
Joaniewassittingclose,leaningintomein-tently.
Shesmelledsourbuttingly—likeonionsandwitchhazel.
"Whenyoupickupthephone,isiteversomeoneaskingyoutodonatemoneyortellingyouthere'saspecialpriceonportraitsetsLike,allthewallet-sizephotosyou'deverwantOracon-sumersurveySomeoneaskingquestionsaboutthingsDoyouknowwhatImean,Gloria"Inodded.
WhatelsewasIsupposedtodo"OK,honey.
"Sheputherhandonmyarmthroughthequiltasiftosay,OK,listenclosenow,OK"Youdonotever,ifyoudon'twantto,youdon'teverhavetoanswertheirquestions.
It'sallrightthatyou'vesaidhello,butonceyouknowit'soneofthemyoudon'thavetosayanythingmore,OKYoudon'thavetotell36TheRainWashesYouCleanthemanything—notwhyyoucan'tpledgemoneytothere-men'sassociationorthedisabledveterans.
You'llbeatthemattheirowngameeventually.
Ifyoucanout-waitthem.
""OK,butJoanie,"Isaid,"I'mgonnahavetogetupsoon.
I'vegotschool,andaquiz.
.
.
"IheldupSalinger,butshedidn'treallyseemtoseeit.
"I'mgonnaneedtostartgettingready.
.
.
"Joaniesmiled.
Sheseemedsomewhatcharmed,likeshewaslookingdownatmewithallthewisdomofhertwenty-eightlongyears,tickledbythetrivialitiesthatmasqueradeasconcernsinthemindsoftheyoung.
"OK,sweetheart,"shechuckledalittleandpattedmyarmagain.
"OK,sweetheart,we'llgetyouthereontime.
"Thenshelaunchedrightbackin.
"Gloria,"shewasintenselyseriousagain.
"DoyoueverhearvoicesVoicesinsideyourheadDoyoueverhearthemcallingtoyou"Hereyeswerewide,blueasherbathrobeandkindofbuggy,asifhereyeballswererounderthantheyshouldbeoronesizetoobigforthesocketsthey'dbeenstuckinto.
Ithoughtaboutvoices.
Everyonehearsvoices,Ithought.
NotlikeIamOzthegreatandpowerfulvoices,justregularvoices.
MymomtellingmethatifIateHo-hosonmywayhomefromsoftballpracticeI'dfuckupmyyin-yangbalance.
OrduringamathtestI'dtrytoconjureupMr.
Sachs'svoiceinmyheadin-toningthePythagoreanTheorem,whichIdidnot,nomatterwhatItried,seemtobecapableofmemorizing.
SometimesIcouldrememberthesoundofmyfather'svoiceinmyhead.
I'dhearhimsinging.
We'dbeinthecar,likewhenIwasababyandteethingorotherwisecranky,andmyparentsfoundthattheonlysure-rewaytogetmetofallasleepwastodriveroundandroundtheneighborhoodcrooningoldcampresongsatmeuntilIkonkedout,droolpoolingontothevinylseatcushion.
Mydadwouldmakeuphisownversesto"IAmMyOwnGrandpa,"whichhesangoff-key.
ThosewerenotthekindsofvoicesJoaniewastalk-ingabout.
"Uhuh,"Isaid,"novoices.
""Ofcoursenot.
"Sheseemedtobeberatingherselfforhavingaskedintherstplace.
"Notyet,Ishouldhaveknownthat.
Youmustlistenforthem,though,"Joaniesaid.
"Iknowthattheywantyou.
Theywillcall.
Andwhentheycall,youhavetobelis-tening,OK"TheRainWashesYouClean37Inodded.
"Doyoulikemusic,sweetheartDoyoulistentotheradio""Sometimes,"Itoldher.
"Ihearyourstuffthroughtheooralot.
"Itseemedlikeanopportunitytosaysomethingaboutherradiomarathonswithoutbeingoutrightconfrontational,butitdidn'tseemtoawakenanyrecognitionatallinJoanie.
Shewentrightonwithherquestions.
"DidyoueverlistentoFleetwoodMacWouldyourmomhaveanyoftheiralbumsDoyouknowtheirsongsAnyofthem"Icutheroff.
"Yeah,yeah,Iknowthem.
"Ihadthisawfulfeel-ingthatshewasgoingtostartsinging.
Itwasannoyingenoughhearingitthroughheroor.
IreallydidnotwantJoaniesittinginmyroomateighto'clockinthemorningsingingFleetwoodMacinmyface.
"Good,"Joaniesaid.
"FleetwoodMac—andGloria,it'simpor-tantyourememberthis,allrightStevieNicks—Idon'tknowherpersonally,butshe'stheonetolistenfor.
Listentotheheart-beat.
Listentotheloneliness.
Listentothesoundsthewindmakeswhenitblows.
Steviedoesn'thavealltheanswers,andsomevi-sionswehavetokeepfromyou.
Atsomepointyou'llhavetogoyourownway.
Don'tlookback.
What'sbackthereispainful,Iknow.
Butyesterdayisgone.
Youcanlooktotomorrow.
Justlis-ten.
Listentothespirits.
Promiseme,Gloria.
They'recrying—youmustlistentowhattheysay.
Promisemethat.
""OK,"Isaid.
"Good.
"Joanieseemedrelievedtohavegottenthatalloutandtohavemywordonit.
Shestoodupquickly,thenhungthereatthesideofmybedlookingdownonme.
"Youhavetobelieve,Gloria.
Youwon'tknowwhenit'stimeifyoudon'tkeepbeliev-ing.
That'showIknowthetimeisright.
Thesongbirdknows.
Andwhentherainwashesyouclean,you'llknowtoo.
Staytuned.
Keepyourearsopen.
"Joanieliftedthechairandreturnedittothedesk,thenbeganedgingapologeticallytowardthedoor.
Shegesturedvaguelyinthedirectionofupstairs.
"Myteakettle,"shesaid,asifsheneededanexcusetoleaveme.
AsifI'dbeenkeepingherfromsomething.
"It'sprobablybeenwhistlingforeons.
"Sheturnedasiftoleave,thenfacedmeagain.
Shelookedworn,likeshe'dsuddenlyrealizedhowmuchthistalkwastakingoutofher.
Sheputherhandtoherchestandgrabbedattheblue38TheRainWashesYouCleanacrylicthere,justoverherheart,asiftoillustratethepainitcausedhertosaywhatshewasabouttosay.
"I'msorryIdidnotgettoyousooner.
I'venotdoneaverygoodjobhere.
IfI'dmadeittoyoubeforeyourfather.
.
.
"Sheseemedunabletosaytheworddied,likeitwasjusttoohardtoac-cept.
"Youmighthavebeenabletohelphimsee.
Ifyou'dknown.
"Joanielookeddown,thenbackupatme.
Herhandsfelltohersides.
"Ifeelresponsibleinsomeways,thoughIknowthere'snowaytoknoweverythingateverymomentintime.
Still,Gloria,I'msorry.
"Thensheturnedandwasgone.
Iheardtheapartmentdoorclose,andtheclap-shufeasJoaniemadeherwaybackupto2A.
Fromthekitchenmymotherhollered,"Poachedorscrambled""Neither,"Icalledback.
"I'mlate.
"Igotup,struggledintoapairofjeans.
IwasdiggingaroundforadecentbrawhenIheardJoanie'stapedeckgoonupstairs.
Thespeakerswerecrankedsoloud,Isweartogodthedoo-dadsonmybulletinboardwereshak-ingintimetothemusic.
ShewasonaseriousFleetwoodMacbinge,wailingalongwiththelyrics,makingsoundssogutturalandpainedyou'dhavepicturednotStevieNicksbutMickJagger,facecontorted,mouthspewing.
Wearinggodknowswhatkindofoutt,IshovednotebooksinmybackpackandwentintothekitchenwhereMomwassippinghercoffee,swayingabitonherstoolasifshewasquiteenjoyingthemusicalassaultfromupstairs.
Igrabbedabananafromthefruitbowl.
Mymothergesturedupwardwithhercoffeecup.
"Suchemotion!
"shesaidandnestledthecupbackbetweenherhands.
Upstairsonebeatgavewaytoanother,aslowsnake-rattle,andIcouldfeelthebassnotes,Joaniepoundingagainstthewallintime.
OhDaddy,youknowyoumakemecry.
HowcanyoulovemeIdon'tunderstandwhy.
.
.
Ipulledmycoatfromtherack.
"How'dsheknowaboutDad"Iasked.
"Joanie"Inodded.
"AboutDad.
""Iprobablymentionedit.
Chatting.
""Youdid"TheRainWashesYouClean39"Probably.
It'snotunlikely,right"Itappedthebananaagainstmyleg.
"Why"Iasked.
Shelookedthoughtful,likeshewastryingtorememberthosefewmailboxvestibuleconversations.
"Idon'tknow,"shesaidnally.
"Shetalkedsomeaboutherownfather.
.
.
""Theonewhocalled""Mmm,"mymomnodded,hermouthfullofcoffee.
"She'skindoftweaked,"Isaid.
Momslammedhercupdownagainsttheformicacountertop.
"Forgod'ssake,Glory!
"Shestoodup,utterlyexasperated,asifreadytostormoff,butonlypausedamomentinsteadandsatbackdown.
"Ishouldgo,"Isaid.
"She'sreachingouttoyou,Glory,"mymothersaid,hereyesonmesadandintent.
"Don'tspurnthat.
Someonereachingouttoyou.
That'ssomething.
Really.
"Shesatwithtwohandscup-pingthecoffeemugagainstherlap,herheadnoddingsilently.
"Itwasjustalittleweirdisall,"Itoldher.
"Shewasn'tmakinglargeamountsofsense.
"Mymotherstoodagain.
Theconversationwasabouttobeof-ciallyover.
"Don'tfallintothetrap,mydear,ofsayingsome-thingdoesn'tmakesensejustbecauseyoudon'tunderstandit.
"Thensheleftthekitchen.
TheEnd.
ThatafternoonjustbeforerushhourJoanieSlesengerclimbedovertheguardrailofatwenty-ninth-oorterraceat17thStreetandIrvingPlace.
Itwasherfatherwhocalledtotellusshewasdead,andhisvoicewasdetachedandlow.
"I'msosorry,Mr.
Slesenger,"mymothersaid.
"It'snotsorrow,"hetoldher,"it'sslower.
Likeresignation.
Joanie's.
Ours.
Resignation.
"Mymotheronlynoddedintothereceiver,resigned.
Thenightmyfatherdied,weheardthenoise.
Everyonedid.
Welookedoutthewindowsrst,tryingtoseewhatthecommo-40TheRainWashesYouCleantionwasabout.
Therainwassheetingdown;reectionsfromthetrafclightsstreakedthepavementred,yellow,white,green.
Wecouldn'tseeanythingfrominside.
Mymomputaraincoatoverhershouldersandglaredatmefornotdoingthesame.
Out-side,peopleinraincoatswereeverywhere.
Weranoutfromtheentranceofourbuilding.
Allthepeoplewereacrossthestreet.
Theyhovered,liketheywerecirclingahurtanimal,abirdfallenfromitsnest.
Liketheywereafraidtogettooclose.
Whenaspaceopenedupinthegroup,wesawthecar—ourcar—acrossthestreet,smashed,crushedinfromthetop.
Weheardawoman'svoicerisefromtheinnercircle,ashrieksohighitwasbarelyau-dible.
Onlyitwas.
There'ssomeoneinside.
.
.
Thegrouprecoiled,afraid.
Theshrieksgavewaytosobs.
Mymothercaughtmeinherarms.
Weheardthesirensscream.
Mymothertrappedmebe-tweenthewingsofherraincoat,thrownoverhershoulderslikeacape.
Shewrappedherselfaroundme,grabbedmetoher,tight,herbodypressedtomyback,herchinclampedonthetopofmyheadlikeanelectriccanopener.
Wewatchedfromacrossthestreet:theambulance,thecrane,themenwhoworkedinslickerstocutthroughthemetalofthecartogettomyfather.
Thepolicecametowardus,liketheyknewwhowewerewithoutasking.
Wespokewiththem.
Mymotherheldme.
Theraincamedown.
Intime,theambulancepackedupandpulledaway.
Noashinglights.
Nosirens.
Themeninslickerscontinuedtopryattheseamsofmetal,litteringthestreetwithbrokenglass.
SometimeinthenightmymotherandIwentbackinside.
Shedroppedtheraincoat.
Wewenttomyroom.
Wetookoffallthatwaswetandfoundthingsthatwerewarmandthatweredry.
Weclimbedintomybed,bothofustogether,andwestayedthereandheldeachother.
"Itwastime,"shesaid.
"Ididn'tknowthatitwastimeal-ready.
Soshort.
Suchashort,shorttime.
"Ididn'tcry.
Ididn'tcryforJoanieeither.
Itmadesensesomehow.
Andmaybesomepeoplewouldcallthatcoldandcallousorstrangelyunfeeling.
ButIthinkMr.
Slesengerisright.
Thatsadnessislikeresignation;it'sagivingup.
Andyoudon'tcrywhenyougiveup.
Youdon'tmakeabigproduction.
Youjustwalkawayquietly,hopingnoonewillnoticeuntilyou'realreadygone.
TheRainWashesYouClean41TheRatherUnlikelyCourtshipofEdwinAndersonandRozRosenzweigDuringthesummerof1967FranKornblauserwasrentingafth-oorwalk-upinabuildingwhosebuzzersys-temwaspartiallyandperenniallyincapacitated.
Whenshethrewadinnerparty,whichshedidwithcharacteristicfrequency,herguestswereabletobuzzuptoFran'stoannouncetheirarrival,butFrancouldnot,asthesystemonlyworkedinonedirection,buzzbackdowntoopenthedoor.
Thus,whenthebellrang,FranwouldhoistopenoneofthelargefrontwindowsthatoverlookedEast11thStreet,herjanglingnecklacesandvoluminousbreastsdanglingoverthewindowbox,crushingthepetuniasplantedtherebytheformertenant,wavehellotoherprospectivecom-42panystrandedonthesidewalk,theirneckscranedupwardlikegawkersatarooftopsuicide,andtossasparekeyoutthewindowtothecementveightsbelow.
"Turnitleftandpushhard,"she'dholler.
"Itstickslikeamotherfucker.
"RozRosenzweig,whowithhercrazyostrichlegsandinanex-cruciatinglybrightandirrevocablyshortMarimekkominidresslookedremarkablylikeastrawberrylollipop,andEdwinAnder-son,seersuckersuitrumpledtoKennebunkperfectionthoughhewashimselfnotaMainerbutaNebraskan,arrivedonthestoopoutsideFranKornblauser'ssimultaneouslyandbecameac-quaintedontheirkneesastheyscroungedinabedofimpatiensfortheelusivekey,whichhadricochetedoffathird-oorbalconyandlandedinthelittlecordoned-offowerpatch.
Asignhangingfromthechainrequestedthatdogskindlybecurbedelsewhere.
Nonetheless,Rozwasunsurprisedwhen,insteadofthekey,herhandbrushedwhatonehastysniffprovedtobeamostlybutnotcompletelyhardenedpileofdogshit.
"Ohfuck,"shesaid.
"I'vegotit!
"heexclaimed,procuringthekeyandholdingitupsothatitglintedinthelight.
Heraisedhimselftostandingandof-feredherahand,butshedeclinedandpushedherselftoherownfeet.
Hisarmwasstilloutstretched.
"Edwin,"hesaid,"EdwinAnderson,"andheextendedhishandfarthertowardher.
"RozRosenzweig,"shesaid,"butIthinkweshouldwaitandshakeonthatlater.
""Oh,"hesaid.
"OK.
"Sheshrugged.
"Whelp.
.
.
uptoFran's"shesuggested,andwhenhegesturedforhertogoaheadshesaid,"Nono,afteryou,"knowingfullwellallhewantedwasagoodviewfrombehindforveights.
Sothenitwashewhoshrugged,andhepushedopenthedoor.
Asitturnedout,itwasneitherherassnorhisgallantrythathadpromptedEdwin'soffertoallowRozaheadofhimbutthesimplefactthathewasamanwhowalkedwithadreadfullimpandknewthattakingthestepsbehindhimwasboundtomakeforanunbearablyslowandfrustratingclimb.
Fromthefourth-oorlandingtheycouldseeFranhangingouttheopendoor,aplastictumblerofdrinkinhand.
"ComeTheUnlikelyCourtship43on,Gimpy,"Francalled,notyetdrunk,justnaturallycrass.
Sheturnedandyelledintotheapartment:"OnemoreightandtheGimp'llhavemadeit.
"Nowdoublyhorried—byhershit-taintedhandandbyFran'sunconscionableridiculeofthispoorlimpingguy—shewatchedasFranherdedEdwinthroughtheapartmentdoor,andthenRozickedawristandwhackedFranontherathersubstantialankofherratherformidableupperarm.
Icecubesclunkedinthejostledtumbler.
"Youbitch,"Rozscolded,herfacecontortingintoanoverlydramatizedapproximationofappalled.
FrangaveRozareciprocalwhackthatnearlysenthersprawl-ingdownthestairsshe'djustsoarduouslyclimbed.
"What'snext"Rozhissed.
"YougoingtostarthangingaroundSt.
Vincent'spokingfunatthebedridden"Franguffawed,appedherarmtowardtheapartmentdoorthroughwhichEdwinhaddisappeared,thengaveanotheramusedsnort.
"YoumeantheGimp""Fran!
""Roz-Roz,"Fransaid,wrappingherarmaroundRozandguid-ingher,too,intotheapartment,"thingsarehardlyastheyap-pear,mydarling.
"Edwin"TheGimp"Anderson,itsoonbecameclear,wasnotacripplebutacasualtyoftheMadRiverGlenSkiArea,andtherewasmuchdebatethroughoutthecourseoftheeveningamongthosepartyguestswhowerefamiliartothesport(everyone,co-incidentally,butRoz,whohadlivedhertwenty-nineyearsontheislandofManhattanandcouldimaginenothingsounpleasantasavacationinthemiddleofGod-Knows-Where,Vermontfrost-bittenonthesideofamountainwithsixfeetofdeadlyberglassstrappedtothebottomofeachoftheonlytwofeetshehad)astowhathisaccidentsaidaboutEdwin'sdownhillprowess.
Roz,handsclean,satontheoorofFran'ssparselyfurnishedbache-lorettepad,tryingnottoashherunderweartoabsolutelyevery-oneintheroom,sippinghervodkaCollinsandponderinghow44TheUnlikelyCourtshipshemightofferherselfupasanobjectofridiculejusttosavepoorEdwinfromthebarrageofattentionwhichshewassurehehadneverbeforeattractedinhisshortlittlelibrary-squirreledlife.
Thoughhewastakingitremarkablywell(some,includingBarbCarpenter,whoalwaysfounditwithinhertocometothedefenseofanymarginallyattractivemaleindistress,did,afterall,believethatEdwin'sfallonaparticularlyicystretchof"TheGoat,"adoubleblackdiamondslope,innowayindicatedthatthemoun-tainhadgottenthebetterofhim),Edwinwastakingitmostlyintheface,hisblushashadeofmagentanotdissimilartoRoz'smini-dress,thepurchaseofwhichshewasgrowingtoregretmorewitheverypassingmoment,vowingthatifshemanagedtoescapeFran'swithoutspillinganythingparticularlydisastrousonher-self,shewouldreturntoMarimekkothenextdayonherlunchhourandexchangeitfortheturquoisesheknewsheshouldhavegonewithintherstplace.
Herdown-the-hallneighbor,Loralee,whomRozhadconsultedfornalfashioninspectionthateveningbeforeshe'dheadedovertoFran's,hadassuredRozthatonlyshecouldpulloffadresslikethatsofabulously.
Rozwasn'tassure.
Shehadalwayswantedtobeadevil-may-caregirl,proudandir-repressiblyfuchsia.
Thefactwas,shefeltalotmorecomfortableinblue.
Withmaybeafewmoreinchesofmaterialtocoverupherrathernicebutverywhitethighs.
EdwinAnderson,anewlyanointedlawyerfreshfromStanfordUniversitywhowantedtodoworkincivilrights,corneredRozinFran'skitchen,whereshe'dretreatedforafewmomentsofre-prieveunderthepretenseofreplenishingthebeandip.
ShewasintheprocessofaddinganotherjiggerofvodkatoherCollinswhenthedoorswungopentoyieldEdwin,carryingthenear-emptypotatochipbowllikeamonkbeggingforalms.
"Fransentmeforchips,"heannounced.
"Whatareyou,thelackey"Roztossedanotherjiggerintoherdrinkforgoodmeasureandpawedaroundthecountertopforthescrewcapshe'dsetdownsomewhere.
"Fransentyoutoshamemeoutofraidingherliquorcabinet,iswhatyou'veactuallybeendispatchedtodo.
"Rozwaggledthebottletowardhim.
"Inthatcase,"saidEdwin,"shepickedthewrongspy.
"Hesethischipbowlontopofthefridgewherehe'dbesuretoforgetTheUnlikelyCourtship45aboutitcompletelyandstartedopeningFran'scabinetsoneaf-teranotherinsearchofacleanglass.
"What'reyoumixing"heasked.
"Overthesink,ontheleft,"Rozsaid.
"Collins.
CollinsesCollinsi""Itcouldbelikelice"Edwinsuggested.
"IceInthefreezer,"Rozsaid.
"DoIlooklikeabartenderYou'vegotarms.
""No,I,no,Imean,Imeanttheplural.
Louse,lice.
Mouse,mice.
Itcouldbelikethat.
Orevenlikechildren.
Youknow:child,children.
""Edwin,"Rozsaid,facinghimdeadon.
"Tonightwe'remakingyoursatriple.
"EdwinAndersonhadnotoneiotaofNewYorksavvy,yethemanagedtosurreptitiouslyextractRoz'sphonenumberfromFran'skitchenaddressbookandtelephonedRoztheverynexteveningnottwominutesaftershe'dwalkedinthedoorfromwork,thenewMarimekkobaginhand,toaskheroutonadate.
"Toseethesymphony,"hesaid.
Rozwastryingtowriggleoutofherpantyhose,thephoneclampedprecariouslybetweenhershoulderandherjaw.
"Isthatthebargaindealforpeoplewhocan'taffordtogoandhearthesymphony"sheaskedhim.
Edwindidn'tlaugh.
"Actually,"hesaid,"I'veonlygotoneticket.
IthoughtyoucouldwatchwhileIlistened.
Wecouldswitchatintermissionifyou'dlike.
"Roz,utterlyunpreparedforsarcasmfromthemouthofaNe-braskafarmboy,wasspeechless.
"What'dyoudo"Edwinasked.
"Dropthephone""No,"shesaid,grabbingholdofthereceiver.
Sheliftedherfeetfromtheoorinfrontofthecouch,pantyhosestillbunchedaroundherankles,andscissoredherlegsapartandtogether,thinkingsuchanexercisemighthavesurprisingeffectsonherbutt,whichshewassurewouldbetherstthingtogoasshesaggedherwayintomiddleage.
46TheUnlikelyCourtship"Icouldpickyouup,"hesuggested.
"Tomorrowevening,sayaroundseven.
.
.
"Suddenlyitfeltlikeachallenge.
"OK,sure,"Rozsaid.
Heseemedharmlessenough.
And,honestly,whenshethoughtaboutit,shecouldnotrememberonce,ever,havinghadamanaskhertosomethingsoelegantasthesymphony.
"Itwasperfectlyadequate,"RoztoldLoralee,whocameknockingvoraciouslyonRoz'sdoor,ravenousfordetails,whenRozcamehomefromhereveningout.
Loraleewasabombshell,aboutassavvyasatulip,andmonogamouslydevotedtoherin-curablyphilanderingboss,which,Roztoldherregularly,quiteobviouslystemmedfromLoralee'sdeep-seatedfearsofdatinginNewYorkCity.
"Yeah,yeah,"saidLoralee.
"So,anymushystuff"Shesatonthecarpet,herbackupagainstRoz'sfrontdoorasiftoblockallmeansofescape.
"Actually,yes,"Rozsaid.
Shewasoppedoutonthecouch,conductingBrahmsintheairwithherleftfoot.
"Wewentforanicecream.
""Whatavor"Loraleedemanded.
"Ihadbutterpecan.
""Andthegentleman"Loraleeprodded.
"Vanilla.
""Sugarcone"Roznodded.
"Uhoh.
""Yousaidit,"Rozconcurred.
WhenEdwincalledaweeklatertoinviteRozonanarchitec-turalwalkingtourofHarlem,shelied,rightthroughthosemildlycrookedbutadmirablywhiteteethshetooksuchpainstobrushandoss.
"I'msorry.
Thatsoundslovely,butI'mspendingtheweekendupinWestchester.
Myauntanduncle'splace,youknow.
"TheUnlikelyCourtship47"Sure,"Edwinsaid,aboutassuspiciousasaballpointpen.
"Someothertime.
""OK,well,actually,I'veactuallygottogetoffthephone,Edwin.
Thanksforthethought.
""Sure,"hesaid.
"Noproblem.
""Well,bye,"shesaid,takingthereceiverfromherearbeforehehadachancetosignoff,thoughtherewasnodoubtthathewouldanyway.
EightmillionpeopleinthecityofNewYork,whatcouldthenumericaloddspossiblybeofrunningintotheonepersonyou'vetoldyou'llbeoutoftownButitwasSundayafternoon,ontheFifthAvenuebus,rightbytheMetropolitan,thatsomeonebrushedRozonhiswaytowardthebackdoorandpausedthere,hisbreathjustbehindherear.
"Westchester,huh"hesaid,hisvoicecoldaschrome,andshedidn'tevenhaveachancetoturnaroundbeforeshespottedthattelltaleseersuckerjacketmountingthestepsoftheMuseumofArt.
Withoutthinking,Rozyankedonthesignalcord,hollered"Gettingoff!
"andplowedherwaytothebackdoor.
ShedashedupthemuseumstepsandgrabbedatthesleeveofEdwin'sjacket.
Heturned,calmasonlyanonnativeNewYorkercouldbe,andfacedRozonalandinghalfwayuptheimposingbankofstepsthatservedtoweedoutthefaintofheartandallowonlythecar-diovascularlytaccesstotheworld'sgreatart.
NowthatRozwasthere,pantingfromhersprintandstillclingingtothematerialatEdwin'selbow,shewasatalossforwords.
Anyexcusewouldbepaltryanddisingenuous.
Thus,therewassilence,andRoz,whotooksilencetobeasignofnothinglessthandeath,couldn'tbearit.
"Ijust.
.
.
Imean.
.
.
I'm.
.
.
"shestuttered.
Edwinin-terrupted.
"Thatwasrudeofme,"hesaid,"nottomentionjuve-nile.
Iapologize.
""What""IsaidIwassorryfor.
.
.
"Shecuthimoffthistime.
"You'reapologizingtomeYoucan'tapologizetome.
You'vebeennothingbutperfectlyniceandIlie,andthenIgetcaughtlikeakidinthecookiejarandnowyouthinkyoushouldbe.
.
.
"48TheUnlikelyCourtship".
.
.
Apologizingforbakingthecookiesintherstplace"Hechuckled.
"Exactly.
"Rozcouldn'tidentifyherownemotionsbutwasafraidshesoundedannoyed,orself-righteous,asifshe'djustsaidItoldyousoandwaswaitingforEdwintoconcedetohisownmistake.
Instead,hesaid,"HaveyouseentheGoyaexhibityet""What"Rozwasdisarmed.
"Goya,"Edwinsaid.
"That'swhatIcametosee.
""Well,I,but.
.
.
Youwantmetocomewithyou""Sure,"hesaid,andtherewasnothinglefttodobutaccept.
Ifitwasagame,shedidn'tknowtherules.
Ifitwasn't,ifhewasac-tuallythistrustingandforgivingahumanbeing,themanwasgoingtolastaboutanotherweekinNewYorkbeforeheedonatrainbacktoNebraska,wherethewavesofgrainwereamber,theplainsfruited,andthegirlsassimpleandblondassunowers.
ThateveningtheyateIndianfoodbeneathbillowingpurpletapestriesatalittleplaceon6thStreetwherethecurrywassohotRozhadgulpedherownglassofwaterinonebreathandthenmovedontoEdwin's,whichhepushedinsistentlytowardherwithoutaword.
TheywenttoLittleItalythenextweekendandfordrinksoneeveningafterworkinatinybrownstoneyardturnedgardenbistro.
TheystrolledtheBronxBotanicalGardensandprowledGreenwichVillage,Edwin'sarchitecturalguideinhand,andwhentheystoppedforhotdogsonabenchbesideaplayground,hereadtoherdescriptionsofGothicfacadesandy-ingbuttressesthatsounded,throughhismidwesternapprecia-tionandawe,asmuchlikepoetryasanyverseshe'deverheard.
Itwasherapartmentthey'dretiretoattheendofaneve-ning,sincehisroommate,alawstudentatNYUwithsmellyfeetandanincessantmarijuanahabit,seemednevertoventureoutofdoors,andthoughEdwinalmostneverstayedthenightatRoz's(heworkedearlyinthemorning,andastherm'sunder-linglawyer,helikedtobefreshwhenhearrivedattheofce)healmostalwaysstayeduntilRozwasjustontheedgeofsleep,whenhewouldkisshersoftly,gatherhisclothes,anddressinthehallwaybeforehelethimselfout,pullingthedoorsilentlyshutbehindhim.
Hewasnot,inanyway,amanRozwouldhaveimaginedforTheUnlikelyCourtship49herself.
Hestilllimpedabitfromhisinjury,andthoughhewasn'tshort(58,thesameasRoz),hecertainlywasn'ttall.
Hehadfairandhonestgoodlooksbutlackedevenanounceofthedarkmys-tery,furtiveheart,orswarthysophisticationthatRozhadclam-beredafterformostofheradultlife.
WhenLoraleepriedRozfordetailsabouttheclean-cutandexceedinglypoliteyoungmansheoftenencounteredlateatnightinthelobbyoftheirapartmentbuilding,heonhiswayout,sheonherwayin,pantyhosetuckedintoherpurse,allRozcouldmanagetosayonEdwin'sbehalfwas"Idon'tknow,Loralee.
He'snotashit,"disbelievingherownwordsasshespokethem,asthoughshe'dalwaysunderstoodshit-tinesstobeanintrinsicmalecharacteristic,asessentialtoattrac-tionasmusk.
ItwasonenightinlateOctober,whenthedie-hardswerestilltryingtomilkafewnaloutdoorcafeeveningsbeforetheysuc-cumbedtothewindsoffall,thatRozwaswideawakeateleven-thirty,havinghadfartoomuchblackteaatdinnerduetoanun-expectedchilipepperintheDuckWok'scashewchicken,andasshewatchedEdwingatherhisclothesfromtheooratthefootofherbed,shehadthesuddenbutcertainsensethatEdwinactuallyhadsomeplacetobe.
"Hotdate"Rozasked,abrashattempttoquellherownunease.
Edwinfroze,hiskhakitrousersclutchedathiscrotchlikeanadulterercaughtintheact.
"Oh,"hesaid.
"No.
"Hetriedtore-coverhiscomposure,but,naked,therewasn'tmuchtoworkwith.
"Justmeetingafewfolksfordrinks,overbyFran's.
"Rozwasabittakenaback.
They'dbeendatingnearlyfourmonths.
SheknewEdwinsocializedwithoutheronoccasion(ofcoursehedid),butsomehow,late-nightdrinkswithFran'scrowd—abig-drinking,smart-talking,easy-fuckingcrewofpe-ripheralsocialitesandovergrowntrustfundbabies—didn'tstrikeRozasaperfectlyinnocentevening'sactivity.
"Whichfolks"Rozasked,managingtosoundaboutasunin-terestedasaninquisitor.
"Ohyouknow.
.
.
Fran,Steve,BarbCarpenter.
.
.
"hetrailed50TheUnlikelyCourtshipoff,havingspottedhisboxershortsamongthebedsheets,andhesnappedthemupandoninaboutthetimeittookforRoztoreal-izeandidentifyherpresentemotion:shewasjealous.
"Hmmph,"shesnorted.
BarbCarpenterwasavampirevixen.
Gorgeous(ifonehappenedtondthatsortappealing)andassmartandsexuallyconnivingassheappearedvapid.
Edwinseemedtoberegainingabitmorepersonalwherewithalwitheverygarmenthesucceededinndingandgettingontohisbody.
"Wehaven'ttalkedaboutmakingthisanexclusiverelation-ship,"hepointedout.
Rozwaswellawareofthatfact,asitwasshe,notEdwin,who'dinsisteduponnoncommitment,althoughitseemedlikedecadesnowsinceshe'ddatedanyonebutEdwin.
Theyweretogetherpracticallyeverynight,afterall.
Suddenly,Rozwasdeant.
"Wellmaybeweshould!
"shedeclared,assurprisedasEdwinatthesuggestionissuingfromherkiss-chappedlips.
"Excuseme,"saidEdwin,glancingaroundhimasiftoregis-terfamiliarsights.
"IwaslookingforRozRozRosenzweig'sapartment""Crankygirl"Rozasked.
"RathereasyLousytasteinclothes""That'smygirl!
"Edwincried.
"YeahWell,Ican'tndhereither.
What'dyoudowithher"Rozdemanded.
"What'dyoudototherealRozRosenzweig"Edwinsmiled,buthedidn'tspeak.
Thennallyhesaid,"Areyouseriousaboutallthat,Roz""Yes,"shesnapped,utterlybafedbythesourceofherconvic-tion.
"Ithinkyoushouldmoveinherewithme.
"Itwasalmostaquestionthewayitcameout,likeshewasaskingherselfwhileshesaiditifthatcouldinfactactuallybewhatshewassuggesting.
Edwinlookedmildlytroubled.
"Maybewecouldtalkaboutthisatsomeothertime""Fine,"Rozsnapped.
"WhatI'llpencilyouinaweekfromnextThursdayDon'tgivemethatcrap.
""Maybejustwhenwe'refeelingalittlelessemotional.
.
.
""StopspeakingtomelikeQueenVictoria.
Weareperfectlycalmandpreparedtodiscussthisrightnow.
ButperhapswewouldrathergotossbackafewwithBarbCarpenter.
.
.
""Isthatwhatthisisabout"heasked.
TheUnlikelyCourtship5152TheUnlikelyCourtship"This!
"Rozyelled,thencaughtherself.
Shebeganagain.
"ThisisaboutmeinvitingyoutomoveinwithmeandyouhedgingthequestioncompletelyandactinglikesomeprepubescentdimwitataSadieHawkinsdance.
ForChrist'ssake,Edwin.
"ItwasclearthatRozwasgoingtohavetheconversationrightthen,whetherEdwinwantedtoornot.
Helookedresigned.
"Ijustdon'tknowaboutthewholeideaoflivingtogether,"hesaid.
"Ohne,"Rozshotback.
"No,no,"hesaid.
"I'vegotaproblemwiththewholelivingto-getherparadigm.
Livingwithsomeoneishard,butthere'snocommitment.
It'stooeasytoleaveif—andthey'reboundto—so,whenthingsgetrough.
What'stokeepusfromjumpingshipiftheridegetsalittlerocky"Hehadtobetheonlymanshe'deverknown,shethought,whocouldgetawaywithametaphorlikethat,andsheknewthenthatshelovedhim,rottenmetaphors,unappablecomposure,goodmanners,andall.
"Well,"shesaid.
"Well,somaybeweshoulddosomethingtriteandbanallikegetmarried.
"Edwinlookedlikehemightburstoutlaughing.
"Isthataproposal""Whynot"shesaid.
Shewaswarmingtotheidea.
Onecoulddoworsethantriteandbanal.
"What'sthemostawfulthingthatcouldhappenWegetdivorced"Edwinwasthoughtful.
"You'recertainlynotthekindofgirlIexpectedtobringhometoMom.
.
.
"Farfrominsulted,Rozwasextraordinarilypleasedwiththeclassication.
"Wellyou'renotexactlyCaryGrantyourself,"shesaid.
Thenshesmiled.
"Comeon,Gimp,whaddayasayYougame"ButEdwinwasalreadyslippinghistrousersdownoverhisfeetandclamberingbackintothebedbesideher.
Grover,KingofNebraskaDannydidn'tdrive,sohewasinchargeofdirec-tions.
MostlyhejusthuncheddowninthebackseatoverthestolenTriple-AroadatlaswhosebackcoverwasdevotedtoDanny'sList:U.
S.
townsinwhichhe'dconcedetoliveifwewereeverforcedtostopmovingandsettledown.
"Admire,"Dannyannounced.
"Whereisit"Iasked,catchingaglanceofhimintherear-viewmirror.
"Kansas,"hesaid.
"I'mnotlivinginKansas.
""You'lldoNebraskabutnotKansas"Motsnappedfromthepassengerseat.
"Thatmakesalotofsense.
"53"IfIgobacktotheMidwestit'llbetoNebraska,that'sall,"Itoldher.
"Couldyougetoverthisback-to-your-rootsshitalready"Motsaid,hernoseandlipspinchedinliketherewasabadsmellinthecar.
MotgrewupinatrailerinupstateNewYork.
HermothergotMo'snameoffachampagnebottlefromadrive-thruliquorstore,thenditchedMowithasisterinPlattsburghwhileshetrottedofftoacommuneonthecoastofTexas.
Mot,under-standably,doesnotunderstandaboutNebraska.
Ithinkshe'dlikeit,though.
Ireallydo.
"SantaClaus,IndianaWhatCheer,Iowa"DannyZaranskywasamanoffewwords.
"Omaha,"Isaid.
"Omaha,andIdon'twanttohearanotherwordaboutit.
"Motsentascowlmyway,thencranedroundinherseatto-wardDanny,strokingbackhisgreasy-brownhairandcooingsweetwhispersinreparationformyabuses.
Wehad,somehow,inadvertentlyandagainstanyofourintentions,beguntobecomeafamily.
Awarpedanddementedcloningofsomeridiculouslyconventionallittlenuclearesquefamily:PapaGrover,MamaMo,andBabyDannyZ.
ThosedayswhenItriedtoimagineafutureforus,theonlysceneIcouldconjurewasMoinaginghamsmockdoingdishesdownbythewell,andIhadstartedtowonderifthestatusquo,OzzieandHarriet,ArchieandEdith,DickandMaryparadigmissimplyinevitablenomatterwhatpathyoutake,nomatterhowfaryou'vestrayedfromthatproverbialinterstateofconvention.
Evenwe—us!
inour'76OldsmobileDelta88,zip-pingdownahighwayinthemiddleofabsolutelynowhereeast-ernNevada—evenweweredoomedtothatpatheticallyAmeri-canfate.
We'dbeenmakingourwaywestsincetheDead'snalshowofthesummertourinChicagoandhadbeencamped,shrooming,inZionforafewdaysenroutetoSanFran,wherewehadfriendswecouldcrashwithuntilthingspickedbackupinthefall.
Dannylikedtofollowthegreen-dotroads,andIwashappytostayofftheinterstates,getalookatwhatTriple-Adeemed"scenic"acrossthisbellowingbeautyofacountrywecallAmerica.
"Panaca,Nevada,"Isaidtotherear-view,jerkingathumbto-wardtheNowEnteringsignproppedatthesideoftheroad.
Pop-54Grover,KingofNebraskaulation700,itproclaimedproudly.
ThetownnamewasapeaceofferingfrommetoDanny,thoughitwasforMotoo.
Indirectly,butperhapsmorenecessary.
Dannyalwaysforgavememymoodsandares.
Healwayswould.
Motwaslessintrinsicagureinmylife.
ThoughIdidn'tthinkshewould,andIdidn'tknowwhereortowhomshecouldactuallygoifsheditched,IknewMotwascapableofleaving.
Shecouldslipoutasquietlyasshe'dcome,abodypressinginclosertosharethewarmthofmysleepingbagonenight,yearsago,atashowinWisconsinwhenthetempera-turedippednearlytofrostandwemadeloveamidstatangleofsleepingbagsandbodiesbeforewe'devenlearnedeachother'snames.
Beforewe'dseeneachother'sfacesinthelightofday.
"Panacasoundslikemouthwash,"Dannysaid.
"Panaca"Isaid,likeIwasofferinghimafreshlygratedsprin-kleofsomeneItaliancheese.
"It'sgotpanache.
.
.
"Motgroaned.
Dannygrinned.
"Nevada'sworthless,"hesaid.
"Well,Danmyman,you'dbettergetyourselfreadyforfourhundredmoremilesofworthlessness.
""Yeehaw,"saidMo,deadpanasadoor,andIknewshe'dfor-givenme.
Panaca,asfaraswecouldtell,waswhereRoute319dead-endedintoRoute93.
Therewasastopsignatthethree-wayintersection,aboarded-updinertotheleft,andagasstationstraightaheadwhichlookedaboutaslivelyasthedinerbutforaLOTTOlightinthefrontwindowandasatellitedishinthedirtlargeenoughtoholdaskateboardingchampionship.
Asforapopulationof700,eithertheywereallundergroundorsomeeagerdevelopershadbeenoverlyoptimistic.
Therewasnothingthere.
JustNevada.
"North,"Dannyinstructed,pointingright,up93.
Ishookmyhead.
"Gas,"Irepliedandpulledacross93towardthesatellitedishasifitweredrawingusintoitsforceeld.
TheOldsthunkeddownofftheshoulderandintothedustyardwithascrapeofmetalwe'dallgrownaccustomedto.
Themuferdangledprecariously,heldupbyanintricatelatticeoftwistie-tieswhichMotclaimedwerethemostversatileodd-endknowntoGrover,KingofNebraska55humankind.
Shekeptareadysupplywoundaroundbeltloops,curledintoponytails,pokedthroughspareearringholes,andstrungintobraceletsroundherskinnywrists.
Motwaspreparedforanything.
Ipulleduptoapumpintheshadeofanoverheadawningandkilledtheengine,butbeforeIcouldgetmyhandtothedoorlatchMotstuckanelbowinmysideandickedherchinupaheadformetolook.
ParkedahundredfeetaheadofusinthedirtatthesideofRoute93wasarustingredpick-up,itsnosepointedeast,thedi-rectionfromwhichwe'dcome.
Itsbacktiresweremissing;thebedwasproppedonstackedcinderblocks,andyoucouldtellithadbeenthatwayforalongwhile.
Youcouldimaginethattruckinitsyouth:gunning,itching,readyasretotakeoffandbegone.
Florida.
NewYork.
Theblue-smokemountains,threedaysawayintotherisingsun.
Butthosecinderblockswerelikecementshoes,andthattruckwasgroundedinPanaca,Nevada.
Longdeadwerethey-by-nightdreamsofaneasternshore.
"How'sthatforpanache"Mosaid,pleasedwithherself.
Be-sidethetruckstoodawomaninasea-foampromdresstryingtoashalittlelegandagdownaride.
Therewasn'tanothercarformiles.
AndinNevada,youcouldseethatfar.
Thegaspumpwasarelic:thekindwhereyouactuallyhavetoholdthetriggerforthegastoow.
ModugahackysackoutoftheglovecompartmentandstartedkickingitaroundinthedustylotwhileIlledthetank.
Dannysteppedawayafewyardsandtookaleak,hisbacktotheroad,thenjoinedMoinhergame.
Hewasbeautifulwithahackysack—trulybeautiful.
Everythingsofastanduiditwasalmostliketherewasn'tonesackbutmany,withDannyatthecenterofthemall,likethesun,incommandofeachintricateorbit.
Hewassofullyhimselfwhenhewashacking,likethewayhewaswhenJerryplayed,whenhe'deatenafewtabs,orbackwhenwewereintoexforawhileatshows,he'dclimboutoftheOldsstiffandjerkyastheovergrownteenagerheis,butsomethingwouldhappenaswecrossedtheparkinglot,weavingourwaythroughthevendorsandscalpersandstoners.
Insidethestadium,theamphitheater,thearena,Dannywaited.
Andwhen56Grover,KingofNebraskaJerrytookthestage,whenthemusicstarted,he'dsquirm,twitch,likeanepilepticonthecuspofaseizure,andhisheadwouldjerk,hiseyesrollbackintheirsockets,eyelidsutteringlikethenear-dead.
ThenDanny'dstarttodance.
Hewasgorgeous.
You'dfallinlovewithDannydancing.
Icouldn'thelpthatIwonderedhowitwouldbe—howitwouldbetobeinlovewithmybrotherDanny.
IwantedsobadlyfortheretobesomeoneImightask,somewomanIcouldsitwithoverafewbeers,lateatnightatsomeone'skitchentableandsay:DoesDannyndhisgraceinsexIwantedtoknowifpassionwasaplacewhereDannycouldbefree.
Buttherewasnoonetoask.
Andyoucouldn'taskDanny.
Askanyoneelse—askourfolks,forexample—andthey'dtellyouDannywouldneverndhisplaceintheworld.
ThatDannyneededtobesomewherewithprofessionalstocareforhim,withpeoplewhoknewhowtodealwithpeoplelikeDanny.
ButIknewhowtodealwithDanny.
Outontour,Dannywasn'tallthatdif-ferentfromeveryoneelse.
Hewasalwaysanoddkidinaninte-riorsortofway.
Anditwasn'tthathedidsomuchmoreacidthananyoneweknew,itjusthithimdifferently.
Dannywasn'tun-happylivingintheplacehe'dunearthedinsidehisbrain.
Butheembodiedanaberration,andthatmadealotofpeopleuncomfor-table.
Peoplelikeourparents.
AroundDeadheads,though,Dannywasfreetoinhabittheworldinhisownway.
Andwhenyouthinkaboutit,doesn'tthatseemlikesomethingeveryonedeservesinthislifeIbroughtDannywithmetoshowsbackinhighschool,beforeIleftforcollege.
Isawhowhecouldbe.
I'ddonetwoyearsatBrownwhenIwentbackhometoOmahaforThanksgivingandourfolkssaidthey'dhadit:nomorelate-nightnakedneighbor-hoodrampages,nomoreuncontrollableepisodes,nomoreem-barrassments.
We'vetried,theysaid.
Wecan'tdoitanymore.
There'saresidence,agrouphomesortofplace—agoodplace.
Wewantwhat'sbestforDanny.
We'reattheendofourrope.
Andmaybetheycouldhavelivedwiththat,butIcouldnot.
Isaid,Danny'seighteen,andhe'lldecideforhimselfwhatthefuckhewantstodo,andyoucanbetyourfuckingassesthatit'snotgoingtobecheckingintosomementalward.
IsaidDanny'ddecideforhimself,andhedecidedtocomewithme.
Whichthenmeant,ofcourse,thatIhadtobegoingsomeplaceDannycouldcome,andGrover,KingofNebraska57becausenothingelsemadeeventhefoggiestamountofsense,wewentwheretheDeadwent.
Theoldgaspumpspunitsnumberslikeadyingslotmachine.
Myhandcrampedaroundthetrigger.
HeatrodetheNevadaairlikeanoilslickslippingacrossmyeldofvision.
MotkickedawildoneandsentDannyjoggingofftowardtheredtruck,ip-opsthwack-thwackingunderhisheels.
Heretrievedthesackwithoutevenbendingdown,justgavealittleickofhisfootlikehackersdo,andthesackwasairborneonceagain.
Beforeheturnedheraisedahandinsalutetothefoam-greenpromqueen,thenstartedbacktowardMowithoutevenwaitingforaresponse.
Therewasn'tone.
Thequeendidn'tevenglancehisway.
Shestaredoutdowntheroad,andthoughshedidn'thaveherthumboutyou'dhavethoughtshedid.
Therewasaninnermovementabouthersomehow,likeshe'dbereadytojumpintoanyvehiclethatpassedherway.
Onthegroundbesideherwasanylongymsack,thelogoofsometownieteamstampedonitsank.
Icouldn'tseethewoman'sshoes,herdresswassolong,draggingthegroundinbackwhereitlookedtobestretchedortorn,sothatittrailedoutbehindherinthebreezeandmademethinkofCinderellaandthosetiny,chirpingbluebirdswhocarriedhertrainintheirbeaksastheyewalongbehind.
ButthisCinderella'sfairy-god-mommust'vestoodherup.
Thedresshungatherwaistandsaggedhor-riblyinthebustandthearms.
Shewasemaciated,at-chestedasacadaver,andterribletolookat:old,really,andnotapromqueenatall,withdroopingjowlsandshort,ungroomedhairthecoloroftarnishedsilverstickingoutfromherheadinsleep-pressedcow-licks.
Suddenly,shecoughed:sickandthickandphlegmy.
ItwasthersttimeI'dseenhermove,andIavertedmyeyes.
IhungthenozzlebackinitscradleandcrossedthelottowardtheLOTTO-litshacktopayforthegas.
WelivedmostlyoffwhatmoneyourfolkshadputawayovertheyearsformeandDanny,collegefund–typemoneythatbecameours,freely,atageeigh-teen.
TherewasalsowhatevermoneyMotmadeatshowssell-ingherbags—velvetsacksshepiecedtogether,oldleatherbeltswefoundatGoodwillstitchedonasstraps.
WhenIhadthem58Grover,KingofNebraskaIsoldshrooms,tabs,weed,whatever.
Mostofthetimewegotbyokay.
Itwasdarkinsidethebuildingandseemeddeserted,butabelltinkledasIcamethroughthedoorandIcouldhearTVnoiseem-anatingfromabackroombeyondthecounter.
OntheLOTTOmachinenexttotheregisterhungasign:"JACKPOT,"andahandwritten"8"hadbeenscotch-tapedoninfrontofthe"MIL-LION.
"Thedoortothebackroomedgedslowlyopenandanoldmancameshufingout.
Hewasheavy,andhisbedroomslippersthuddedandscuffedashemadehislaboriouswaytotheregis-ter,trailingbehindhimalong,pale-greentubethatboundhimtohisbedroomlikeadogonanextendedbackyardchain.
Thetubesnakedoutfromthedoor,threadedthroughapulleythatwasriggedtothewallabovethedoorframe,thensplitintwo,likeadouble-headedserpent,andcoileditsheadsupintotheoldman'snostrils.
HestoppedandickedonanotherTVwhichfacedoutfromastandabovetheregister.
Asilentlyraucousstudioaudi-encewasoverdubbedbyadoodlie-doot-doogameshowtunewhichendedabruptly,thescreenashingtoanewsbriefbeforetheoldmancouldeventurnroundtomeagain.
"ThisisTrudyWells,"saidafrighteninglytanwomanwithsideburnsassharpasacarnivore'scaninesshootingdownherfacelikeresidualtusks,"withamiddaynewsbriefonthis,thetenthofAugust.
""Five-sixty-eightongas,"Itoldtheman.
"Unleaded.
"Hegruntedaresponseandsearchedforthecashregisterbut-tonslikeablindman,thoughIcouldseehewasn't.
"Inthenewstoday,fansyoungandoldacrossthe.
.
.
""Oh,andalotterytickettoo,please.
"Nomatterhowlowwewereoncash,wealwaysboughtthem.
Becauseyouneverknow.
Bing-ding,saidtheregister.
".
.
.
mournthedeath,"saidTrudyWells,"ofGratefulDeadiconandmusicalcultgureJerryGarcia.
Mr.
Garciadiedyester-dayinarehabilitationcenternearhishomeinMarinCounty,California.
Garciawassaidtohaveenteredthefacilityattempt-ingtokickalifelongaddiction.
.
.
""Numbers"theoldmanwheezed.
Icouldn'tanswer.
Onthetelevisionscreen,thousandsofSanFranciscansoodedthroughthestreetsofHaight-Ashbury,aseaGrover,KingofNebraska59ofowers,hair,splashesofpsychedelictie-dye—thewayweal-wayslookedoncamera:dirty,stringy,deludedmassesweeping,laughing,sleeping,dancing.
Notindividuals,butthatwasOKsomehow.
Theworldwastooindividualized,Ithought.
Wehadmore;wewerepartofawe.
"What.
Numbers.
"Themancoughedatme,onewordatatime,foritwasallhecouldchokeout.
Itriedtolookathim.
"Doesn'tmatter.
"Icouldn'tfeelmyhead.
Icameapartlikeapop-jointplasticdoll.
Disconnected,Iwasnothing.
"You.
Want.
I.
Pick.
'Em.
"Hisvoicecameinhigh,thin,stac-catopips.
IthinkInodded.
Imeantto,Ithink.
Wesatinthedirtintheshadeofthegascanopy.
Dannylayonthegroundfanninghimselfwiththelotteryticket,hisgreasyheadrestinginMot'slap,herngerscombingthroughhishairwithafervorlikeitwasherjob,herresponsibility.
Shecouldcon-trolnothingelseinthisworldofdeaths,ditches,anddepartures,butshecouldsmooththehairontheheadofsweetDannyZaran-sky.
Thehackysackhadbeentuckedbackaway,asitalwayseven-tuallywas—intosomeone'soverallspocket,ordownintooneofMo'svelvetbags—andDanny'sgracefollowedit—gone—zip—asifthatlittleleatherbeanbagheldthesecretthatsetmybrotherateaseuponthisearth.
Ontheground,Danny'ssprawlwastoolanguid,toocomfor-tableforsomeonewhoselifewasabouttodramaticallychange.
Isatcross-legged,staringatmylimbs,limbsthatIcouldnolongerconceiveofasattachedtotherestofmybody.
Blackhairsstoodouttoostarklyagainstthewhite,midwesternskin.
Toowiry.
Toohairy.
IknewIwaswrong-looking.
Tooshort.
Mouthtoobig.
Goofy.
Eyestoowide.
Hairdyedsomethingridiculous,blue,green,pink—Imockednature;shehadn'tdonewellbymeonherown.
Ihadalwaysbeentoomuchinsidemyownskin,feelingandknowingitswrongnessatalltimes.
ButnowIcouldtugonmybeard,touchthebeadsthatMohadwovenintothehairsastheygrewfromscragglystubbleintoactualhair,softandevensortofutterywhenclean,butIcouldfeelnothing.
Likethenerveend-60Grover,KingofNebraskaingsweredead.
LikeIwasn'tinside.
ItriedtothinkaboutJerry.
Triedtoimaginehowitfelttobedead.
Triedtoimaginewhatthismeant,butIcouldn'tmakethingslinkup.
IfeltlikeDannywith-outhismagicsack,orwithoutthemusicthatbroughthimtolife.
Thethingthathadlentordertoourlife,howeverrandomandchaoticthatordermayhaveappearedfromtheoutside,thatthingwasgone.
Outundertheheatofthesun,thepromdresswomanlookedwiltedandworn,andsuddenlyIcouldsee,justthen,likeareve-lation,thatitwasn'tawomanatall.
Itwasaman.
Anoldman.
Ithought,Iwassure,almostabsolutelysure:thepromqueenwasaman,standingthereintheNevadadust,sweatpouringdownthesidesofhisface,drippingfromhisjowls,thepromdresswet,stainedwithsweat,dirty,anddragging.
Theman—aman!
—staringoffdownRoute93likehestillexpectedatanymomentashapewouldappearonthehorizon.
Anyminutenowthattruckerofhisdreamswasgoingtopullup,hoisthisqueenintothecabofthatrig,andrideoffintothebrownNevadawasteland.
Thequeenlookedworn,buthedidn'tlookdefeated.
Therewasstillahopeabouthim,alingeringcertainty,deepinside,thatsome-day—someday—hisprincewouldcome.
Motwaspractical.
Unswervinglypractical.
"WeshouldgotoSanFrancisco,"shesaid.
"That'swherewewereheading.
It'swhereweshouldbe.
"Andshewasright,probably.
Thereweresomanyofusthere.
IfIcouldn'tfeelmyself,Icouldfeeltheothersaroundme.
Somethingcouldbepostponed.
There'dstillbecon-text,supportinsheernumbers,armstocatchuswhenwefell.
They'dkeepusfromhittingthegroundtoohard.
Ididn'tknowwhatwouldhappenthen,afterthehoopladieddown,whenthemourningsankin.
Maybethey'dkeepplaying.
Maybeitwouldn'treallychangeallthatmuch.
We'dbethefaith-ful.
WhentheBuddhadied,Buddhismdidn'tdiewithhim.
We'dhaveadjustmentstomake.
Maybenothingwouldreallychange.
Butitwould.
"Sweet,Idaho,"Dannysaid.
Mosmiled.
"Ideal,Georgia.
HappyJack,Louisiana.
""Danny,"Isaid.
"FancyFarm,Kentucky"Noonespoke.
Grover,KingofNebraska61"Brilliant,Alabama"Motbegantocry.
"Welcome,Maryland""Danny,"Isaid,"maybeweshouldgohome.
"Dannywasquietforaminute.
Heheldthelotteryticketuptothesunlikeitwasanenvelopehecouldlookthrough,likehecouldseewhatwasinside.
"Ihaveafeeling,"hesaid.
"Ithink,"saidmylittlebrotherDannyZ.
,"Ithinkthatthistime,Grove,youwon.
Ithinkreally.
What'sitnowEightmillionIthinkyouwonit,Grove.
Ithinkwewon.
"Helookedsohappy,sojoyouslysure.
Motsniffed,tookherhandfromDanny'shead,andwipedhernoseonhersleeve.
"Youthink,Dan"Icouldn'thelpbutsmile.
"Well,so,eightmillion,"Isaidlikeitwaslyingthereonthegroundbeforeme,fannedoutinglorioussweepsoftensandtwenties.
"So,sowhat'llwebuy"Dannypausedforasecond,fardowndeepintoathought,andthenturnedhisfacetome,eyesbrightasday,mybrotherDan.
Hespokewithoutdoubt,sureasthesun.
"Nebraska,"hesaid.
"We'llbuyNebraska.
"Ilaughed,andsodidMo,eventhroughhertears,anditwaslikeabreeze,almost,sweepingthroughtheprickleddesert,andDannysaid,"Yeah.
Firstwe'dbuyMomandDad'splace,rst.
Andwe'drentroomsandplantafarmandmakemoremoneyandwecouldbuythewholeblock,then,andthenOmaha,andthenthewholething.
Itwouldbeours.
I'dbeprinceandMowouldbeprincessandGroverwouldbetheking.
"Ilaughedagain,raisedmyststopoundthehollowofmyskinnychest,andsoundedaercejunglecry:"Grover!
"Ihol-leredoutintotheNevadanothingness.
"KingofNebraska!
"Dannyhowledwithdelight,andMogaveawhoopoffreedom,myprincessMo,princessofthejungle.
Andthen,seemingtono-ticeusforthersttimesincewe'dpulledintothedustylot,withthehoodofourOldsdeclaringtoallinpurplebold"I'vebeenhypnotizedbytheGoofaman,"thepromqueenlookedatus.
Promqueen,dragqueen,themanattheedgeofRoute93turnedandlookedtous,eyeswidewithhope,agaspinhisthroat,agaspofdisbelief.
Forwe'darrived.
Wewerehere.
We'dcomeatlasttotakehimaway.
62Grover,KingofNebraska29thStreetPlayground,September1968Shelaughed—shewasn'twearingtherightshoesforsandandclimbing—andtossedherheadback,mouthwide,teethbaredasiftosaybutthatwon'tstopme.
ManyyearslaterIwasresponsible—no,shesaid,theParkinson'sisrespon-sible—forlosingherpassportsomewhereinItaly,andwhensheposedinfrontofafadedredcurtainforareplacementattheAmericanconsulateinFlorence,sheworeaverydifferentface:clenchedjaw,lipsclosedinatight,grimline.
Shenolongersmilesinphotographs;it'sasifsheremembershowasmile'ssupposedtogo,butthatdoesn'tmakeoneanyeasiertomuster.
Theyweresandals—Pappagallo—twothickleatherstrapsandabacksling.
Itwas1968andthephotographisblackandwhite.
63Shewasashoemodelthen;gottokeepthepairssheposedin.
She'dcomehomenightsfromtheshowroomwithateemingshoppingbagineachhand.
Everycolorandstyleunderthesun.
ShegavethemtoGoodwillwhentheygotscuffed;outwiththeold,inwiththenew,we'dsay.
Shetrompedacrossthe|playground—alaboredstride,thesandpushingupunderthatarcinginstep,drivingdownbetweenherlongtoes.
Itwasearlyfall,latemorning,andtheplaygroundwasnotcrowded.
Onlyonelittleboyappearsintheframe,andevenso,it'sonlythebackofhishead.
Crew-cutted,hestandsuncertainly,hisfeetsinkinginthesand.
Heislookingup,thesunbehindhim,inhishandatoyshovel:smallandplastic.
Probablyyellow.
Orpink,orgreen.
Ican'ttell.
It'sablack-and-whitephotograph.
Wewerenotchildrenourselves.
We'dhadourloves.
Nooneaccusedusofyouth,naveté.
IhadaPh.
D.
;herfatherlaydyingonarentedhospitalbedinthelivingroomofherchildhoodhomeinScarsdale.
Thebedwouldnottupthenarrowightofstairstothebedroomherparentshadsharedforfortyyears.
We'dridethetrainfromGrandCentraltovisitthemsomeweekends.
Wegavehermotherrespitefromhisbedside.
Someweekendswedidn'twanttogo.
Someweekendswestayedhome.
Betweentheswing-setandthemonkeybarstherewasaclus-terofwoodenpillars,alldifferentheights,standinguprightinthesand,likeastfulofpick-upsticksjustbeforetheyfall.
Shesoughtoutthetallestone,climbingnimbly,herlong-longlegsathomeamongthetowers.
ChickenLegs,thehighschoolboyshadcalledher.
Atherfortiethreunion,thosesameboys,nowmen—married,unmarried,widowed,divorced,disillusioned,dis-owned—trailedmywifeacrosstheRamadaReceptionRoomliketheywerechasingadream.
Whatonearth,theywhispered,isHavenD'AmatodoingmarriedtothatmanAmanwhosehandstremblelikeablitzkriegvictim.
Whosethoughtslurchanddiebe-foretheyndawaytohislips.
Onthetallestpilingsheperched,crossedherlegs(asandalwiggled;herheelsaresothin!
),posingforme,behindtheshuttereye.
Shethrewbackherheadagain,andshelaughed.
Itwasastreetcornerplayground.
Behindher,reescapesclimbthebrickandagstonewallsassureasivy.
Wehungourlaun-6429thStreetPlayground,September1968dryonalinethosedays—youcanalmostseeitthere:thatinvis-iblethreadstretchedbetweenthebuildings.
Thereisabedsheetandsomethingelse—somethingwhiteandindistinguishable—anundershirtThereisanightgownappinginthewindlikeitshouldhaveownaway.
29thStreetPlayground,September196865WhatSafetyIsThey'renotactuallyDeadheads,theyjustlookthepart.
Darcy's51inadressthatusedtobeanightgownandhangsdowntoherankles;Gwynnisvein-skinny,bralessinacot-toncamisoleandgymshorts,hercrazyblackcurlsknotteduponherheadandoutoftheway.
Theyknowhowtotalkthetalk.
"Weneedamiracle.
.
.
Lookingforamiracle.
.
.
"Darcy'sbetteratit;it'saCaliforniathing,itseems.
Gwynn,lesscomfortableinthevoice,sticksto"TicketsAnyoneTickets"Beggingformiraclesmakesherfeelslikeshe'spanhandlingfortheMake-a-WishFoundation.
Ticketless,thegirlsplunkdownonascrappypatchofgrassoutsidetheamphitheaterandwatchthecrowdsgoby.
66Twoguys,cleanish-cut,inkhakis,wanderpast,ngersintheair,onthesamemiraclequest.
OneofthemnoticesDarcysittingonthegrassanddoesnottakehisgazefromherashewalks.
Hesquintsatheroddlyastheyslouchoffintothecrowd.
"Whatwasthatabout"GwynnasksDarcy.
"Whatwaswhatabout""Thatguywasseriouslycheckingsomeoneout,dearie.
""Ithinkhewasjustnearsighted,"Darcysays.
"You!
"Gwynnmoans.
"Youmakemebatty!
"DarcyleansovertoGwynnonthegrassbesideherandkissesherknee.
GwynnandDarcyhavelivedtogether,bestfriendsforfouryears.
Matchedintoadormasfreshmanroommates,theymovedoutassoonastheycouldintoaBerkeleyco-op,wheretheysharedaroomuntilgraduationinMay.
ThenGwynngotajobwithanonprotinSanFranciscoandmovedacrossthebridgetotheCity.
Darcy,raisedintheEastBayandunwaveringinherde-votiontoit,tookaroominabigoldVictorianonDerbyStreetandajobasasmoothieblenderatWholeFoodsonAshby.
"I'minatransitionalphase,"shemaintains"I'llgetarealjobtoo,someday.
"It'snotadayformiracles,butthesunisniceandnottoohot,andthey'vebroughtwaterbottlesandablanketandsomeleft-overgado-gado,sotheydecidetomakeanafternoonofitthereontheparkinglotlawn,theairthickwithfalafelandpatchouli,butwithabreezetoo.
Somefolksarehacky-sackingnearby,andDarcyjoinsthem,tyingherdressupinaknotatherwaistsoshecanuseherlegsandexposingapairofhospital-greenboxersthatsomeguyleftintheirroomyearsagoafteraparty.
Theyneverdidgureoutwhichguy.
Orwhichparty.
Darcyplayedsoccerinhighschoolandcanhandleahackysackprettydecently.
Gwynnisaspazandcategoricallyrefusestoengageinanysportthatin-WhatSafetyIs67volvesaball,evenifthatballisabean-bagthesizeofanapri-cot.
Gwynnhasalwaysbeenthedifcultone.
Highmaintenance,Darcycallsher.
Inhernightgownamidstthehacker-guysDarcylookslikeWendyplayingamongtheLostBoys,stringy-greenstraysandovergrownadolescents.
Duringoccasionalcollectphonecalls,theproverbialclockstickingaway,theirdesperateparentsplead:WhataboutcollegetickticktickYou'rethrowingyourlifeaway!
tickticktickYourpotential!
Yourpromise!
Youusedtotalkaboutlaw,architecture,accounting.
.
.
tickticktick.
Theboyslistenforamoment,nostalgic:theydidlovetheirparentsonce,theyre-member,andthehousewaswarm,theclothescleanandsoft,steamingmealslaidonthetableeverynightatsix.
.
.
Butnowthere'sJerry,Jerrywhosaysdon'tletthatworldgetyoubackunderitshook,whokeepsthemalldancing,travelingofftoaplacemilesbeyondthemoonwhereallthatmattersisthelushgreenoftheirunchartedislandandtheagelessglowintheirwideboyeyes,andWendylovelyWendy.
.
.
AndI,Gwynnthinks,I'mNana,thatoldsheepdogofanurse-maid,waitingpatientlyintheDarlingchildren'snurseryforherwardstoreturnhomefromtheirightoffancy.
TheboysDarcybringsoverwhenthehackingcircledisbandsarefamiliar-looking:thekhakiguysfrombefore.
"Gwynn,"Darcysays,pointingaroundtheirlittlegroup,"Donovan,Jed.
"Jedislanky,wispy,oppy-haired.
Donovan'salittlemoresolid,lesspretty,butofthesamepost–prepschoolgenre.
"Hi,"Gwynnsays,raisingherheadaninch,ahandshieldinghereyes.
"Likewise,"saysDonovan.
Jedgivesalittlesalutefromtheothersideoftheblanket.
He'sdgety-nervous,andGwynnlikesthat:atouchofawkwardness.
It'swhatsomanyofthesepeopleseemtolack.
It'swhatpot,andCalifornia,andtheDead,andliveslivedinthenameofmellownesshavetakenfromthem.
"Noticketsforyouguyseither"Gwynnasks.
68WhatSafetyIsDonovanshakeshisheadsadly.
Gwynnturnsherfacebacktothesun.
ThenexttimeGwynnlooksupit'stosayHeyDarce,wanttothinkaboutheadinghomebutasshe'sliftingherselfupandturningaround,therstHeyonlyhalfwayoffhertongue,itbe-comesobviousthatDarcyisn'treadytogoanywhere.
SheandJed—cross-legged,facingeachother,kneestouching,theworldoutsidethelittlediamondoftheirbodiesobliterated—seemtobeinvolvedinakiss.
It'sDonovan'seyeGwynncatchesinstead.
Hislookissympathetic.
"Hm,"Gwynnsnorts.
Shefeelssickforaminute.
Sicklike:ifshedoesn'tgetawayfromallthisrightnow—everything—thepotandthepsychomusicandthestupid,sweet,nothing-doinghippieboys—thiswholefuckingstate!
—she'sgoingtolosehershitcompletely.
Butthenthere'sDarcy.
".
.
.
somefriendsofoursarehavingapartyinSanFran-cisco.
Late-afternoonbarbecuesortofthing.
They'reonthePan-handle.
.
.
"Donovanissaying.
"Doyouguysliveinthecity,even"heasksGwynn.
"Ido,shedoesn't.
""Oh,well,Ijust.
.
.
ifyouwantedtocome,itshouldbeprettycoolIthink.
.
.
goodfoodatleast.
.
.
wecouldgiveyoualiftinifyouneedone.
""Wedrove,"Gwynnsays.
He'ssortofsweetly,cluelesslypersistent.
"Well,Icouldgiveyoudirections.
.
.
""Anaddresswouldbeadequate,Idolivethere,"Gwynnsays,butshethinksitdoesn'tsoundfunny,thewayshemeansit.
Shehasnoideawhyshe'sevenentertainingtheideaofthisparty.
"Cool,soyou'llcome"saysDonovan.
GwynndirectsathumbtowardJedandDarcy.
"It'suptothelittlekissingsmurfthere.
We'reinherfolks'car.
""Hey,Jed,"Donovancalls.
"Hey,unpuckerforasec"DarcyandJedlookup,disoriented,glazed,likethey'recomingoutofamovietheatertryingtogettheirbearings.
"AreyouguysintocheckingoutthatbarbecuethingInthecityI'mkindofgettinghungry.
.
.
"WhatSafetyIs69JedandDarcylooktoeachother,thenbackatDonovan.
Sure,theyshruginunison.
"Thatwaseasy,"DonovansaystoGwynn.
"Cake,"shemutters.
Whentheyallstarttostandupandgatherthings,DonovangrabsanedgeoftheblankettohelpGwynnfold.
"DidIsaysomethingobnoxious"heasks.
"Ididn'tmeantocorralyouintothis.
""Don'tworryaboutit,"Gwynntellshim.
TheyfoldintowardeachotherandGwynntakesDonovan'scornersfromhim.
Hebendstopickuptheoppositeend.
"Pleasedon'tfeellikeyouhavetocome.
Imean,itwouldbegreatifyoudid,butIdon'twantyoutocomebecauseyoufeellikeyouhaveto.
.
.
"GwynnslingstheblanketoverherarmandgivesDonovanalittlethumpontheback.
"Firstofall,"shesays,"ifDarcyhasanysayinit,I'massumingthatwe'llbegoingwhereveryouguysaregoingtonightwhetherIwanttoornot.
Andsecondly,Idon'tdothingsIdon'twanttodo.
"Donovanstiffens,looksalittlesurprised.
"IthinkI'mmissingsomechromosomeintheguilt/obligationgeneorsomething,"sheexplains.
"Don'tmindmeanyway,I'mnaturallygrouchy.
Darcy'sconvincedit'smyversionofcontent-edness.
IgrewupinWisconsin.
Shethinksit'stoocoldthereandthathumanwiringgoesfaultywhenithitstwenty-vebelow.
Likefrostbite.
Youneverquitecomeback.
"Donovannods.
"I'mfromNewHampshire,"hesays.
Theystepoutintotheparkinglot.
"Hey,"Darcybeginsastheyapproachthecar,"shouldwesplitupsowedon'tgetlost"ShelookstoGwynn.
Gwynnshrugs,hereyebrowsliftedhighinnonchalance.
"YouwannatakeJedandI'llridewithDonovan"shesays,asifshecouldn'tcareless.
"Sure,OK.
Gwynn,that'sOKwithyouYoudon'tmind""'Coursenot.
ThoughIguessperhapsthepersontoaskisDonovan,intowhosevehicleIhavejustinsinuatedmyself.
""Honoredbyyourinsinuation,"proclaimsDonovan,theever-valiant.
70WhatSafetyIs"Therenow,"Gwynnchirps,"allbetter.
Sowe'llseey'allthere.
"Shecanbeperky,goddamnit.
Shecandoeasygoingjustliketherestofthem.
"Begoodkids,youhearNomonkeybusi-nessonthehighway.
Remember:it'sonlyfunnyuntilsomeonelosesabodilyuid.
"Theydon'tseeDarcyandJedattheparty.
TheydoseetheAcura,parkedinfrontofthebuilding,onFellStreet.
Theapart-mentisareallyniceground-ooroor-through,rightonthePanhandleofGoldenGatePark,thatsomefriendsofJedandDonovan'sfromschoolaresublettingforthesummer.
"Hey,"someguyyellstoDonovanastheyenter,"Jed'scomeandgone.
Waltzedin,stolemyrollingpaper,andwentoutagain.
He'soutonthePanhandlegrasswithsomehippiechick.
.
.
Beer'sinthekitchen,amingshotsinthebedroom,burgersareoutback.
"Andwithaourishofhisbarbecuetongshedisappearsintothegarden.
AtrstGwynnthinksthatpeoplearesquaredancinginthelivingroom.
Therearetwentyorsoofthemcirclingtheroom,andoneguyinthecornerinathree-foot-tallCat-in-the-HathatwhoseemstobeDJingoffaboombox.
Inthecenteroftheroomisalargepileofshoes—boatmocs,Tretorns,bluchers,Birks—andeveryoneappearstobelimpingaroundwithoneunshodfoot.
Whenthemusic—"andthebeerchasesmybluesaway,ohI'llbeOK,I'mnotbigonsocialgraces"—stops,thecrowddivestowardthecenterofthecircle,clamoringforshoes.
Thenthereismoremilling,themurmurofconfusions,theofferingofshoestotheirmates'owners,andthensuddenly,itseems,everyoneiskissing.
SweetJesus,Darcywouldsay,didtheynotgetenoughofthisinjuniorhighGwynnfeelsabsurdlyconspicuous,afraidthey'llallassumeshe'ssomedestitutegroupiewaifDonovanpickedupattheshow.
Thatshe'llfuckhiminexchangeforaplacetocrashforthenightbeforeshehitchhikesherwaynorthfortheEugeneshownextweek.
GwynnturnstoDonovan.
She'sgottogetthemoutofthisroom,she'sthinking.
There'snowayinhellshe'svoluntarilykiss-WhatSafetyIs71inghim,butifitwindsupbeingabsolutelyinescapable,there'snowayshe'sgoingtodoitsober.
"Wherewasit,"Gwynnasks,"thatthoseamingshotswerehappening"Donovangrins.
"Awomanaftermyownheart.
"AndGwynnwantstosay,noI'mnot.
I'mreallynot,butDonovanhasherbythearmandisguidingherawayfromthekissersinsearchofinebriation.
ThebackbedroombelongstosomeonecalledMatt,wholooksjustliketheguywholetthemin,who—toGwynn—looksjustlikeDonovan,wholooksjustlikeJed,who,cometothinkofit,looksjustlikeDarcy'sex-boyfriend,John.
Thankfully,though,unlikeJohn(who,afraidofbecominganalcoholiclikehisfather,didnotdrinkandwasinsteadabong-hit-every-two-hourskindofguy),Mattdoesn'tseemtobetheleastbitafraidofbecominganalcoholiclikehisfatherandislightingshotsof151,whichcan't,Gwynnthinks,haveanylegitimatepurposeexcepttomakeMattlooklikeabigstud,which,asfarasGwynnisconcerned,heisfarfromachieving.
DonovanouncesontoMatt'sbed.
Mattsitsbackwardinadeskchair,ickingacollector'seditionZippoandoccasionallyliftingahackysackbetweenhistoesandtossingitintheair.
Gwynnstandsinthedoorway,leaningagainsttheframeandwishingshewerealreadydrunkbecauseshedoesn'thaveanyparticulardesiretogetdrunkbutknowsthisisallgoingtobealoteasieroncesheis.
"FireNore"Mattasksher,tippingthebottle.
"IthinkI'lltrynore,"Gwynnsays,reachingoutfortheglass.
"Noreforahundred,Alex.
Andtheansweris:BruceSpring-steen.
"Gwynndrinks.
"Whosaid:youcan'tlightarewithoutaspark"Shebendstosetherglassdownonthemilkcratethat'sservingasMatt'stable.
MattturnstoDonovan.
"She'ssharp,thisone,let'skeepher.
"DonovanandGwynnbothlaughtooloudlyanddon'tlookateachother.
Gwynnwouldreallylikeanothershot.
Quickly.
"FireNore"It'sDonovan'sturn.
"Ooooh,"Donovandeliberates.
"Whatthefuck—lightmyre,baby.
"72WhatSafetyIsAgain,GwynnisgratefulforDonovan'sdorkiness.
Mattpoursaheftyjiggerful,ickshisBic,andcapstheshotwithaame.
HepassesitacrosstoDonovan,whoreachesforitgingerly,butassoonasMattletsgo,theamingglassburnsDonovan'snger,andhejerksbackhishand.
Alineofreshootsacrosstheoor,likethecordtooneofWyleE.
Coyote'sbombs—fffffft—straighttoGwynn'sfeet,andshe'sjumpingbackwardbe-foresheevenrealizeswhat'shappening,andDonovanisleapingupfromthebedontothere-line,stompingitoutundertheeverything-proofsolesofhisDocMartens,Mattailingtostandfromhischair,Gwynninching,Donovanstompinguntilthesmallreislongoutandtheyallstarttorealizehowsillytheymustlookthere,ailingandinchingandstomping.
Andthentheyarelaughing,andthe151bottleisinGwynn'shandandshe'stakingalong,long,painfuldrawbecausewhoknowswhat'sgoingtohappennow,there'snotmuchleftinthebottleandbeer'snotgoingtodoitfastenough.
Itburnsgoingdown,andMattgivesalowhootofapprovalasGwynntakesthebottlefromherlipsandpassesitalong.
Matttiltsbackhisheadanddrinks.
"YouOK"Donovanasksher.
"I'mne.
AreyouOK"sheasksback.
"Fine,"hesays.
Helookskindofembarrassed,whichsomehowmakesGwynnthink,Icouldkisshimifneedbe.
Icoulddothat.
I'dbeOKwiththat.
Shegesturesbackoutintothelivingroom,towardthemu-sical/shoe/kissingcrowd.
"Goodthingweweren'toutthere,"shesays.
Donovanlooksrelieved.
"Nokidding,"hesays,liftingthesolesofhisshoesforGwynntosee.
"Thatwould'vebeenalotlessfunbarefoot.
"WhenGwynnandDonovannallymeetupwithJedandDarcy,it'stwoa.
m.
,thebarbecueisdyingdown,andthey'reallreadytopassout.
DonovanandGwynnareplowed,soitgetsde-cided—andseemsquitelogicalatthetime—thatJed,who'sonlystoned,notdrunk,willdriveDonovan'scar.
They'llleaveDarcy'sWhatSafetyIs73there,pickituptomorrow,andthey'llallcrashatGwynn'ssinceshe'stheonlyonewholivesinthecity.
Gwynnmanagesnottothrowupuntiltheygettoherapart-mentbuilding,whereuponshehandsDarcythedoorkeyandheavesgado-gadoand151intotheHarrisonStreetgutter.
DarcyholdsGwynn'shead,smoothingbacktendrilsoffrizzandcurlfromherfacewhileshepukes.
ThenDarcyunlocksthedoorandthefourmaketheirwayupthethreelong,narrowightsofstairs.
Gwynn'sapartmentisanot-very-convertedwarehousespacewhichsheshareswithshe'snotevensurehowmanyotherpeople,mostofwhomalsoseemtoworkforminimumwageatnonprotorganizationstryingtosavevariouspeople,places,ani-mals,andthingsthey'vedeemedlessfortunatethanthemselves.
Gwynn'sroomisaloftlikearea,openononesidewithahalf-wallthatoverlooksthekitchen.
Initareafuton,abean-bagchair,andonelayerofbrickandtwo-by-fourbookshelvesencirclingtheroomlikeasafetyrail.
Theceilingisonlyvefeetofftheoor;evenDarcyhastoduckwhensheenters.
GwynnandDonovancollapseontothefuton,Jeddisappearssomewhere,andDarcyscuttlesarounddownstairsbeforesheap-pearsintheloftwithatoothbrushandacupofwater.
ShekneelsdownbesideGwynn.
"Blessyoursoul,"Gwynnsays,reachingshakilyforthetoothpaste.
"Allowme,"Darcysmiles.
ShespreadssomeColgateoverthebristles.
"Openup,"shesays.
Gwynnisonherside,proppedonanelbow,hercheekinherhand.
Shefeelswoozy,swirled,butmuchbettersinceshe'sthrownup.
ShedropsherjawasDarcyputsahandbehindGwynn'sheadforleverageandscrubsGwynn'steeth—rmly,butgently,likepolishingsilver—thenholdsthecuptoherlipssoshecanrinse.
Gwynnndsacoffeemugontheoorbesidethemattressandspits.
Sheletsherheadfallbacktothepillow,andDarcywaddle-walksonherkneesaroundtheirheadstoDono-van'sside.
"Buffandshine"sheasks.
Donovanopenshismouth.
Whenshe'sdonewithDonovan,Darcyheadsbackdowntheloftsteps.
"Wecanmakeroomforyouguys,"Gwynncallstoher.
74WhatSafetyIsDarcy'sheadreappearsinthedoorframe.
"That'sOK,"shesays.
"IthinkJed'sriggingsomethingupoutsideforus.
We'regoingtowatchforshootingstars.
"There'sarooftopgardenareaonthebuilding,accessiblethroughatrapdoor.
DarcyandGwynnsleptouttherethenighttheymovedGwynn'sstuffoverfromtheEastBay.
Someonehadbuiltalittlelean-to,justabouttheonlyplaceinthewarehousethatoffersanyprivacyatall.
Tiedtoapoleinthelean-toisarubberizeddittybagfullofcondoms.
"BESAFE"readsasigntackedtothewall,anarrowpointingtothebag.
"BESAFE.
""Sleeptight,"Darcycalls,makingherwaydownthestepsagain.
Gwynnthinkssheshouldrespond,butshecan'tgureouthow.
There'snoairinher.
Likeitalljustsuckeditselfaway.
Shehearssomerustleandclinkinthekitchen,theslamofthefridge,thecreakoftheroof-accessdoor,andthennotmuchelsethatisn'tjustthesoundofnightandDonovanonthefutonnexttoher,shiftinghimselfintocomfort.
"Howyoufeeling"heaskssoftly.
"I'mne,"Gwynnsays.
"Muchbetter.
""Thanksforlettinguscrash,"hesays.
"Noproblem.
"AndthereareafewsecondsofsilencebeforeGwynnrollsoverontoherstomachandintothecenterofthemattress,pushesher-selfuponherelbows,hereyeswideopen,watchinghisopentoo,inshadowbeneathher.
Shecandothis.
Shecandothisalmostwithoutthinkingwhatshe'sdoing.
She'sexhausted,sick,butshewantstodothis:wantssomethingtoblotouteverythingelse,obliterateitall—thestreet,theloft,theroof,thelean-to,thestars.
Sheleansinandputshermouthtohis.
Heissurprised,pullsbackafewinches,studiesherfaceinthedimmoonlightforsomeindicationofwhat'sgoingon.
Helooksconfused,tired.
Shekisseshimagain.
Again,hepullsaway.
"ShouldIassumethatyou'redoingthatbecauseyouwantto"heaskstentatively.
"That'slogical,"Gwynnsays,hervoicetight,bodytensingawayfromhis.
"Butifyoudon't.
.
.
"Sheopsontoherback,staresupatthelow-yingstick-umgalaxyontheceilingabove.
There'saBigandaLittleDipperthatGwynndidherself,andbe-WhatSafetyIs75sidethemDarcy'srenditionofOrion,who'ssooverlystudded,he'slessahunterthanasequineddiscoking.
"No,"Donovanstammers,"Ijust.
.
.
it'snotthatIwouldn'twantto.
Ijustdidn'texpect.
.
.
Idon'twantyoutothinkIexpected.
.
.
""Ohgoodgrief!
"Gwynnsighs.
"Ididn'tgettheideathatyouwouldwantto,isall.
I'mjustsurprised.
.
.
Ithadn'tseemed.
.
.
""WellmaybeIdon'twantto,"saysGwynn.
"MaybeIjustfeltlikedoingsomethingWhoknewyou'dmakesuchaproduction""Imean,"Donovanissinkingintohispillow,barelyabletokeephisheadupright,"maybewecouldhangoutagain.
.
.
an-othertime.
.
.
""Maybeweshouldgotosleep,"Gwynnsays.
"Yeah,"saysDonovan.
"Ijustdon'twantyoutothink.
.
.
Imean.
.
.
You'rereallycool,Gwynn.
Ilikeyou.
Idon'twantyoutothinkIdon'tlikeyou.
"Gwynn'svoiceislosingitsedge,thesleepinessdullingallemo-tion.
"Ifyou'llletmegotosleepIpromisetothinknosuchthing,OK""OK.
""Nowgotosleep.
"Gwynninstructshim.
"Youneedyourbeautyrest.
""Gee,thanks.
""Nooffenseintended.
""Goodnight,"hesays.
"Mmmmm,"Gwynnmufesherselfintoherpillow.
Prettysoon,fullyclothed,they'reout.
Gwynndoesnotheartherainwhenitbegins,butshesmellsitrisingoffJedandDarcy,likewetdogs,whentheycreepinforsheltersometimelater.
Theyshufeabout,sheddingshoesanddampwoollayers,andthensqueezeontothefutonwithGwynnandDonovan.
It'saqueen;evenso,withfourit'stight.
WhenGwynnwakesupnextit'stothesteadyraspofDarcy's76WhatSafetyIsbreathonthepillowbesideher.
SheiscurledtowardGwynn,onherside,herfacehiddenunderhair,thetipofonepinkearpok-ingthrough,sosmallanddiscretethatitseemslikeitwouldbethemostnaturalthingintheworldforGwynntoreachoutforthatear.
Itlooksheart-wrenchinglysoft.
Liketawnyvelvet.
Liketheearofapuppy.
Likenewbornskin.
SheimaginesbridgingthosefewinchesthatseparateherheadfromDarcy's.
Pressingherlips,silent,totherimofDarcy'sear.
Runninghertongue,there,alongthatinnercurveofcartilage.
Light,solight.
Likelickinganenvelope.
Butsweet,andsalty,andabitlikeshampoo.
Coconut,andaloe,andthetinglingsavoryofsweat.
ThensuddenlyGwynn'shandistherebyDarcy'sface,smooth-ingthehairawayfromthatlovely,speckled,freckledskin,strok-ingitbackoverthesmoothslopeofDarcy'sscalp.
HerskullbeneathGwynn'shandiswarmasanegg.
GwynntucksyawaystrandsbehindthecurveofDarcy'sear,pressingeachsweepintoplacewithaninsistence,likeassurance:youstay,yourest,youbegoodnow,youhearDarcyrollstowardherthen,bothhandsrisingtoencircleGwynn'sforearm,trappingGwynn'shandbe-tweenDarcy'scheekandthepillow.
DarcypressesherdrylipsintothepadofGwynn'spalmandliftsthemagain,likeaswim-mercomingupforair,andtheysleeplikethat,tuckedtogether,thesoftpressureofassuranceholdingthemtooneanother,asifthat'swhatsafetyis:apointofcontact.
Somewhereinthenightthereissquishingandwrigglingandabodysqueezingin;Jedhasgottenedgedoffthefutonandispush-inghiswaybackon.
Jarred,Darcy'sfacecomesfreefromGwynn'spalmwithawetslapofsuction.
Gwynntriestoshift,butshendsherarmtinglingwithnothingness,numbsofarintotherootsofhershoulderthatsheispowerlessoverit.
Thereismorejostling,andthenGwynncanhearDarcygroan,raiseherhead,thenaipofhair,theshadowlikewindsweptreedsprojectedhugeinmoon-lightagainstthewall.
Shegroansagainandgivesasnortingsortofsighasshepushesherselfup,standing,herdressfallingintoplacearoundher,thefabricsosheerinthemoonlightthatGwynnWhatSafetyIs77canseetheilluminatedshapesofDarcy'scalvesspottedinoralprintfromthenightgown-dress.
Darcy'shairisstaticfromsleep,risingoffthebackofherheadlikeloose,livewirescracklingwithelectricityinthemoonrays,likesparksofsomethingcomingtolife.
Darcyshufesoutthedoor,downstairstothebathroom,andisgone.
78WhatSafetyIsWayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNowAsSarileavesherbedroom,shuttingthedoorsoftlybehindher,shecanhearSaturdayNightLiveemanatingfromthemasterbedroomdownthehall.
Sari'sstepfather,Isaac,hasturnedthevolumeuptomask,ineffectively,hissobs.
TheTVisalsooninthelivingroom,remotecontrolatRenata'snger-tips,butthechannelisn'tallthatimportanttoheranymore.
Sari'smompressedmutethreedaysagoandhaswatchedindimsilenceeversince.
Saritugsonasweatshirtoverhertanktop,butthezipperisbrokensoshecan'tcloseit.
Thespringnightisnotcold.
Shepullsherhairthrougharubberbandfromaroundherwristandadjuststhewaistbandofhercut-offsweats,foldingthetopdownoveritselftoexposejustaneye-slitofpalebelly.
79FromthearchwayofthelivingroomSariwatcheshermother.
Renata'seyesareclosed,herbreathingirregularandgassy.
FromadiagnosisinthepancreasinFebruary,thecancerhasnowme-tastasizedtoherlungs.
Therehasnotbeenalotoftimetogetusedtoanything—anoxymoronanyway,really:tobecomeac-customedtochange.
ThedoctorshavetoldIsaacthatRenatahasdaysleft,maybeweeks,soshehascomehomefromthecancerwardtodie,inherownlivingroom,onarentedhospitalbed.
IsaacistakingRenata'sillnessbadly,andwithscotch.
Hehastakenanindeniteleaveofabsencefromtheinvestmentrmwhereheworks.
Justthisweek,sincehermom'sgonesofardownhill,IsaachastakentogettingupbeforeSaritopackherabaglunchforschool.
Hehasofferednoexplanation,simplyhandsherthebrownbagatthedoorasifhe'sbeendoingitforyearsandyears.
Itappearstoperkhimup,andforfearofupsettinganythingmoreSaridoesn'tquestionit;sheleavesthebagwithJerald,thehomelessguyonthecornerof79thandBroadwaywhotalkstoherasshewaitsforthebuseachmorning.
Jeraldswaysandkeepsupaconstantrefrain:"Goodmorning,haveanicedayplease.
Goodmorning,gotoschoolplease.
Goodmorning,haveanicedayplease.
"Heisgraciousinacceptingthelunchand,seeminglyinexchange,effusivelytellsSarishe'sthemostbeautifulwomanintheworld.
It'snotsomethingaman—oraboy,even—hasevertoldher,andascrazyasJeraldmaybe,Sarilikesthewayhiswordsmakeherfeel.
Sari'sheartthumpsinherchest.
Togettotheapartmentdoorshemustcrossthelivingroom,passdirectlybeforehermother'sbed,rightbetweenRenataandtheTVscreen.
Saritugsagainatherponytail,leansoutjustslightlyintotheroom.
"Mom"shewhispers.
Thenlouder:"Mom"Sariwaits,butRenatagivesnoindicationofresponse,justshal-low,laboredbreathingthatwillgoonlikethatandworseuntilitstopsgoingoncompletely.
"Mom"Sarisaysagain,steppingten-tativelyfromthewoodenhallwayoorontothelivingroomcar-pet.
Hereyesstayxedonhermotherasshecrossestheroom;she'spreparedtostopatanymomentandmanufactureanexcuse,80WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNowsay:Justmakingsurethedoor'slocked.
YouneedanythingTheroom'sglowchangeswiththeTVscreen,shiftyshadowspunctu-atedbyburstsoflight,likedoorsopeningonthesunshine,thenslammingshutagain.
Saritiptoespast.
Renataisasleep.
ShelooksunlikethewomanwhojustmonthsagowasSari'sfty-year-oldmom.
Thiswomaninthehospitalbedisancient,awraith,awhis-per.
SheistheechoofRenata.
YetthewizenedbodyissomehowstillSari'smom,peeringoutfrominsidelikeaghostdeterminedtokeepawatchfuleyeoverthelovedandtheliving.
Foramomentnow,theeyesutteropen,asifRenata'sbeenawareofherdaughter'spresenceallalongbuthasrefrainedfromacknowledgingheruntilthislastsecondwhenshedipsintotheniteandwaningpoolofherenergyandliftsherheadalittletowardSari.
Saristarts—"Ma"—butRenata'seyesareclosingagain.
Breathingishardestforhernow.
Herlungs.
Shewhispers,"Havefun.
"Herheadnodsagainstthepillow.
"Thanks,"SarisaysandwouldsaymorebutRenataisgoneagain.
Saritakeskeysfromthedishbythedoorandsilently,ex-pertly,unlatchesthelocks.
Thehallwaybuzzesuorescentandtheblack-and-whitetilingseemstooozeillusivelyinandoutoffocus.
OnthedoormatbeneathWELCOMEshe'sleftapairofoldtennisshoeswhichsheslipsonnowlikeclogs.
Thedoorclicksshutbehindherandshestretcheshersweatshirttightaroundherbodyasshepushesintothestairway.
ComingfromwithinthewallsSaricanheartheclankandchurloftheelevator,theswingofthegate,clinkinglikeahandfulofdroppedsilverware.
Mufedvoicestunnelupthroughairshafts:greetingsfromVladimir,theelevatorman;couplesontheirwayinfromaneveningatLin-colnCenter,theMetropolitanOpera,aKnicksgameatMadisonSquareGarden.
Thestairwellisdimlylit,andwhenSaripushesopenthedoorontheeleventh-oorlandingtheoverheadscutinatherjarringly.
ShesquintsherwaytotheLucases'doorandletsherselfinside.
DinaandHarmonLucasareintheBerkshires.
TheirdaughterHillary,Sari'sfriendsinceinfancy,hasgonetonightwithfriendstoLoews84th.
Theydon'tseemovies,sinceatfteenthereislittletheycangetintothatisworthseeing;insteadtheyhangoutun-derthemarquee,leanagainstparkingmeters,iptheirhairatthetenth-gradeboys,debatecrossingthestreetforHagenDazs.
TheWayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNow81UpperWestSideofManhattanistheirplaygroundonSaturdaynight—alllightsandlifeandtouristbustle,likeDisney'sMainStreet.
Thesungoesdown,thelightsgoup,andit'sasifthesurroundingdarknesscaninsulatethatneighborhoodagainstanythingoutsideitsneonglow.
NewYorkCity,tosomeadenofplaguesandlth,istothemanoyster.
Theapartmentbuildingon79thStreetwhereSariandHillaryliveispackedinandpaddedonthreesidesbyotherapartmentbuildings.
Onthestreetleveltherearedoormenandsecuritylocksandbuzzersandsurveil-lance,andtheresidents'senseofsafetyissoinsidiousthatintwentyyearsoflivingin11BtheLucaseshaveneverlockedtheirapartmentdoor.
SaripassesHillary'sroomrst;thedoorisopenandshecanseethebathroomlightleakingacrossHill'sclothes-strewnoor.
ThenextroomdownthehallisJonah'sroom.
JonahisHill'solderbrother.
Hisdoorisclosed.
Sarigetsashudderofgiddyfearatthat:imaginingwhatmightbegoingoninsideJonah'scloistereddomain.
JustafterhermomgotsickwaswhenSaristartedcom-ingupstairs,wherehergriefwasn'tperipheraltoIsaac's,totalkwithHill,orDinaandHarmon,orJonah.
TowatchTVordrinkhotmilk,justtobewithpeoplestilllivingintime.
Downin8E,dayandnightnolongerhavemuchmeaning.
It'sodd,Sarihasthoughtrecently,howdyinggetsyoureadyfordeath:weansyouofftheclockbeforeyouenterthatplacewherethere'snolongertime.
Isaachaswithdrawnhimselffrompresenttime,joinedhiswifeinhernetherland.
ButSariisn'tallowedtodothat.
SowhileIsaacspendshisdayswithRenatainthatlandoflimbo,Sari'slifegoeson:school,softballpractice,hangingoutupstairswiththeLucases.
OnenightinMarchSariletherselfin,foundnooneinthekitchenorthelivingroom,paddeddownthehalltoJonah'sroom.
ThedoorwaspartlyopenandJonahwasmasturbating.
Sariwatched.
Itwasn'tuntilafterhe'dcomethathenoticedherthereandreachedforthegraycomforterwhichhadfallentotheoor.
Hecoveredhimselfdemurely,withasenseofpropriety;hedidn'tgrab,andhewasn'thastyorashamed.
Onlywhenhespokedidhebetrayanounceofsurprise.
"Don'tyouknock"hesaid.
Itwasn'treallyaquestion,andSarididn'tanswerit.
82WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNow"Mostpeoplewouldturnaroundandleave,"hesaid.
Hisheadhungbackslightlyofftheedgeofthetwinbed,likehewascock-inghisneckather.
Sarinodded.
"Iwouldn'tevenhaveknownyou'dbeenhere,"Jonahsaid.
Hisvoicewasgrowingmoreimpatient.
"Mostpeoplewouldn'twatch.
That'snotanormalreaction.
Youshouldhaveleft.
"Saristoodby,patient,uneasy,likeshewaswaitingoutthestormbeforeshetriedtogoanywhere.
"What!
"Jonahdemanded,andthenhisangerbroke,dissolv-ingintoamusement.
"What!
"Hegrinnedather,shakinghishead,hishandsopen,awaitingexplanation.
ButwhenSaristartedtowardhimthequizzicallookreturned,onlyhedidn'tsayanythingelse,nomorequestions.
Hejustwatched,waitingtoseewhatshe'ddo.
Sarididn'tknowherselfrightthenwhatitwasshewoulddo.
Shewasn'tthinking,really,justmovingwhereherbodyseemedtowanttogo.
Itwasasimi-larinstinctthatsentheruptotheLucases'intherstplace.
Itwasjustwheresheendedup.
Itmadesense,sure.
Downstairstherewashermother,whoseemedtocarrytheyellowedstenchofthehospitalbackhomewithher,trappedinthecreasesofherskinlikeoil.
AndIsaac,whowasallbutcrawlinginsideRenata'sillnesshimself,asifdeathwereasuitcaseandhecouldsneakhimselfalongforthetrip.
Up-stairswasSari'schildhoodfriendandlongtimeplaymate,Hill.
Andworking-momDina,withherportfoliosandprojectsandsomethinggoingonalways,aconstantstateofhappening.
Har-mon:thetherapistfathertuggingathisbeard,wearingathinplaidshirtthecolorofautumnleavesorsmokeandheather,hisvoicelowandgravelly.
AndJonah,inhisbed,thehotsleepyboy-smellwithitsacridtwingeofsexnow,pungentandnew,butun-derlyingitallwasthesoftcomfortofIvorySnow,thesmellofalifethatwasrstandforemostcleanandpowderywhite.
Sari'sbodymovedtowardthat,towardJonah'swarmth,wantingit,wantingtoclaimsomeofthatheatforherself,putthatheatin-sideofher.
SheclimbedontotheendofJonah'sbedandtuckedherselfunderthecoversbesidehim.
Beneaththesheetstheworldwasdampandwarm,andJonah'sskinfeltsoftasmoss.
Shebur-iedherfaceintohisside.
WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNow83"Hi,"shewhispered.
Jonahliftedhisblanketedarmlikeawinganddrewhertohim.
"Hi,"hesaidback.
SarihasneveragaininterruptedJonah.
Now,hewaitsforher.
Atrsthe'dspoonedaroundherinhislittletwinbed,histhighsupagainstherbutt,pressingintothesmallofSari'sbackwiththeerectiontentedinsidehisboxershorts.
Hewassocatlikeital-mostdidn'tfeelsexualtoSaributsensual:asleepingcatpressinghissoftbellyupagainstthenap-warmcouchcushions.
AndSarilikedthat,thewayshe'dlikepettingthatcat,orstrokingapuppy'svelveteenears.
ShelikedsensingJonah'spleasure,theacuityofhiscomfort.
Andthenonenighthetookherhandfromwhereshetuckedit,asifinprayer,betweenhercurledupknees—tookherhandanddrewitbehindher,pressedittohispenisandheldherthere,hishandoverhers,sandwichedbetweentwoinsistences.
Shedidn'tmind,exceptfortheangle,whichwasawkwardthewayherarmgottwistedbehindher.
HerbackwastoJonahandshewasunabletowatchhim,toseeiflikeacathiseyesnarrowedincontentmentorifpleasuremadethemopenwidelikeaweornight-blindness.
Shetwistedaroundtowardherarmbutthencouldnotbringher-selftolookatJonah'sface,buriedherowninsteadintohischest,whichsmelled,asalways,richaslaundry.
SheshiftedherhandandJonahshiftedhis,bothofhishandsnowcuppinghers,guid-ingitupanddownsotheskinbeneathitmoved,felttoSariliketheskinmightsliderightoffinherhand.
Jonahmovedherhandfasterandshefeltliketheywererevvingsomething,likeamotor-boatengine,waitingforthemotortogunandgrowlitswaytoasteadypurr.
Itwasn'tuntilthenextnightthatJonahplacedhishandoverthebackofSari'sheadandpushedherdownunderthecovers.
Hishandwaslargeandittthecurveofherskulllikeawell-wornmittaroundasoftball,anditfeltgood,Sarithought,tohavesomeonesayingdothis,gohere,yes,yes.
There'sawindowopeninJonah'sroomtonight,andasSarien-tersshehearsthesoundsofthestreetrushinginlikeoceanwaves,84WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNowthewhooshandroaroftrafc,aholler,slam,sirenscreechfadingaharriedpathupBroadway.
Jonah'sroomissleek:woodoor,bookshelvesofstreamlinedblackaluminum,spare.
Ononewall:U2'sJoshuaTree.
Theother:amapoftheLondonUnderground.
It'snearlymidnight,andJonahhasfallenasleep,onehanddanglingoffthebed,ngertipsgrazingtheground,caughtinthestreamoflightemanatingfrombeneaththebathroomdoor.
Ontheoor,justwithinreach,isthesmallgraynylonstuffsackinwhichJonahkeepshiscondoms,andthesightofitputsalittlepulseinSari,thatexpectantlittlethrobinthepitofherpelvis.
ShelikesitwhenJonah'sinsideher.
Shelikeshowwarmitis,andsometimesshelikeshowmuchithurts.
ThersttimesheletJonahhavesexwithher,thingsdown-stairswerestillsomewhatnormal:daywasday,nightwasnight,akidhadacurfew,andamotherleftthehalllightonforherteen-agedaughtertoturnoffwhenshegothomefortheeveningsothemothercouldknowshewashomeandstopworryingthatherdaughtermightbelyingdeadinCentralPark,rapedandstrangledwithherownMaidenform.
Butthatnightoftherstsex—Sari'srstanyway,shehasherdoubtsaboutJonah—thatnight,inthefogofitall(theoddring-ingstinginhercrotch;thepressurespotsonherhips,neck,col-larbonewherebruiseswouldsurelyform),she'dhadtodealwithallthat,andsomuchtothinkabout,somuchswishingaroundinherbrain:Jonah,whowasn'therboyfriend,wasn'tandhadn'teverbeenanythingbuttheguywholivedupstairs,Jonah,who'dsuddenlybecome—what—herloverShedidn'tthinkshewasoldenoughtoqualifyasa"lover.
"Surelyloversdidn'thavesexinatwinbedwhilehisparentswereawayatthecountryhouseandhissisterwaslickingadouble-dipconeonthecornerof84thandBroadway.
AfterwardSarisneakedbackintoherownapart-mentwherehermotherwasn'tyetsick,notactively,andstillsleptinthebedroomwithIsaac,soitwasn'taschancygettinginandout,butSaricamehomefromsexwithJonahfeelingsmellyandrawandhadforgotteninthathazetoshutoffthelight,justcrawledintoherbedtotrytosleepawaythethingsshe'ddoneanddidn'tfullyunderstand.
She'dwokenthenwhenthedoorWayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNow85toherbedroomewopen,Renatathereinthehallway,backlit,nakedandconfused,herfacescreweduplikeshecouldn'tgethereyestoopenalltheway.
"Sari"hervoicegropedintothedark-ness.
"Sari,you'rehome"Saricouldsmellherselfbeneaththecovers.
Shecouldsmellthemuskybed-heatcomingoffhermotherinwaveslikehumidity.
"I'mhere,"shesaid.
"I'mne.
Iforgotthelight.
"Thebreathzzledoutofhermother'sframeandherbodyseemedtogoslack,thefty-year-oldeshfallinglooseonherbonesrightthereinthenightbeforeSari'seyes.
"Sari,"shesaid,cluckingandpained—"Sari.
"Renataheldherselfhalfbehindthedoorframe,asthoughhernudityhadn'tcountedduringthepo-tentialcrisisofSari'sabsence,butnow,beyondtheemergency,shewasrecognizablyunclothed.
"I'msorry.
I'msorry.
Ijustforgot.
""OK.
OK.
I'll.
.
.
OK.
.
.
"Renatawasmuddled.
"Yeah,OKsweetheart.
I'mgoingtogobacktobed.
"Sheshufedinthedoorway,tryingtoreorientherself.
"Goodnightbaby,we'lltalkinthemorning,OK""OKMom.
Sleepwell.
G'night.
Seeyoutomorrow.
"Sariwatchedhermother'sgureturn,ickthelightswitch,andre-cededowntheshadowedhall.
TheyknewRenatawassickthen,butthingswerestillmostlynormal,beforelifebecamesome-thingyoumeasuredindays.
Backwhen"Seeyoutomorrow"wasstilljustathingyousaid,beforeitbecameaprayer.
Sarislipsoffhershoes,dropshersweatshirtbythedoor,andclimbsontoJonah'sbed,whackingherkneeintheprocessonthemetalbedframe.
"Ow!
"sheyelps,droppingintothebedmoreobtrusivelythanshe'dplanned.
Herkneecapringswithpainlikeafunnybone,andshecradlesthekneeinherhands.
Thepainissharpbutthrobbingalso,anditstrikesSariasinteresting.
Herwinceturnsgraduallybackintobreath.
Jonahshiftsbeneathhisdove-graycomforter.
"Hey,"hesays.
He'sbeenasleepawhile,Sarithinks.
"Hey,"Sarisaysback.
She'ssittingnow,cross-legged,byJo-nah'storso,herspinerestingagainstthewall.
86WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNow"Hi,"hesaysagain.
There'snotmuchmorethatneedstobeexchangedinwordsbetweenthem,andJonahstretchesahandtowardSari,touchesherthighwithhisbluntngertips,runshishanddownalongherlegtotheknee,andsqueezesitingreeting.
Wheretheskinisscrapeditstingsunderhispalm,butJonah'sunaware;hemeansnothingmaliciousinhistouch.
ItfeelstoSarilikehishandisstickingtothewound,likesummerinNewYorkwheneverythingstickstoeverythingelseandtheheatitselffeelscontagious.
SarirubsthebackofherheadagainstJonah'sbed-roomwall.
Jonah'shandbeginsagaintoclimbherthigh.
Sariislearningtherearesomethingsaboywillalwayswakeupfor.
TheydonothearHillarycomehome.
That'stheirownfault:JonahontopofSari;Sari'slegsippedupoverherownhead.
Hisnoisesareguttural,extended,likehardpainedbreathsfromdeepinhisabdomen.
Sarigruntstoo,butstaccato,caught,asifJonah'severythrusttakesherbysurprise.
Butthensuddenlyhestops,halfinsideher,slippingslack,andeverythreadofenergybetweenthemshiftsoutwardandaway.
JonahslipsoutofSaricompletely,andherlegstumblebacktothebed,raggedy.
Jonah'snoseisaimedatthebathroomdoorlikeapointer.
Sarilooksintimetoseeonlythedoortothebathroomasitcloses,swiftly.
Thelightinsidegoesoff,thenon.
Thenoff,backon.
Theyhearthemedi-cinecabinetslam,pilljarsandcompactsrattlingontheshelvesinside.
Thetoiletushes,showercurtaingrommetsclatterandscrapealongtherod.
Plasticbottlestumbleintothetubandthentheshowerscreecheson,hammeringatthemlikeasudden,pelt-ingrain.
"Whatthefuck!
"Jonahsneers.
He'speelingoffthecondom,pitchingittotheoor.
Hegrabshisboxersfrombesidethebedandpullsupthethingreencottonashestormsacrosstheroom.
Wedgedinthecrevicebetweenbedandwall,Sarispotshertanktopandpullsiton—inside-out,right-side-to,shecan'teventhinktocare.
Hershortsareinthesheets,sweatshirtandshoesbythedoor,underwearnowheretobefound.
Jonahhammershisstagainstthebathroomdoor.
He'snotheavy,buthe'sbig,andstandingtherebeforethecloseddoor,WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNow87poisedandfurious,helooksmean.
"Hillary,"hepounds,hisvoicetemperedjustthissideofaholler.
"Hillary,whatthefuckareyoudoing"There'snolockonthedoor.
"Hill,I'mcomingin.
Youbetterbe.
.
.
I'mfuckingcomingin!
"Sariwisheshe'dstop,wishesheknewhowstupidhelooks,astupidteenagertryingtoactlikeMarlonBrando,orRobertDeNiroinRagingBull.
He'slaughable,andSariisashamed,ashamedforhim,butashamedmostlythatHillaryhasheardthem,caughtthem,andinsteadofsneakingawaywiththeirtailsbetweentheirlegsJonah'sstrikingback,mountingadefense,asifHillaryhadoffendedthemandnotviceversa.
Sarithinksmaybethisiswhatitmeanstodieofembarrassment:tohaveembar-rassedanotherpersonsobadlyyouwanttodie.
SheperchesontheedgeofJonah'sbed,unsurewhattodo,wheretomove.
Shescratchesatthebedframewithhernails,pointshertoesintotheoorashardasshecan,andpressesthemlikethatuntilshehearsthejointspopandcrack.
Jonahshovesopenthebathroomdoorwithmoreforcethannecessary.
HeglancesbackatSari—anoddlook,likeasoldiertakingonelastlookathishomelandasheduckshisheadandboardstheplanetoforeignwars—butthenslamsthedoorhardbehindhim,afuck-youslam,asifhe'sasmadatSariasheisatHill.
Thebathroomnoiseshaveallceased,andSarihearsJonahnowopentheadjoiningdoortoHill'sroom.
Thatonehedoesn'tshutbehindhim.
Hejuststartsyelling.
Saricanhearitall.
"Whatthefuckisyourproblem"hedemands.
Hillisslam-mingaroundherownroomnow;hervoiceisastagewhisper,tooangrytomaintainquiet.
"You'resuchadick,Jonah.
You'resuchafuckingdick.
Whatthefuckdoyouthinkyou'redoing.
Jesus!
Ican'tbelieveyou'd.
.
.
youknewI'dbehome.
.
.
Idon'twanttohearwhateverthefuckyoudo.
.
.
"Jonahcutsheroff:"Pardonme,Mom.
Noonediedandmadeyouparoleofcer.
Noone'stellingyouhowthefucktospendyournight.
WhattimeisitOneTwoIbetyou'dloveforMomtohearthat,Sweetheart.
""Hermother'sfuckingdying,youasshole!
You.
.
.
"Hillsput-ters,speechlessinherfury,andit'snotcleartoSariexactlywhat88WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNowHillhasactuallysaid,forshecannothelpbuthearthevoiceasdi-rectedather—Yourmother'sfuckingdying,youasshole.
AndSariknowsit'strue.
Knowswhatsheis,whatshe'sdone—runawaytofucktheguyupstairswhilehermotheredgesherwayoutoftheworld.
SarislipsoutJonah'sdoor.
SheismakingherwaydowntheclammybackstairwelllongbeforeJonahcanevenreturntohisbed,allapologies,andndhergone.
Sariputsherkeyinthelock.
Beyondthedoor,nottenfeetaway,istherentedbedwherehermother—whatisleftofhermother—lies.
There'salwaysalittletwingeoffearcominghome,lateatnight,withthingstohide;thatfearwouldriseinSari'sthroatevenifeverythinginsidewerene—ifnothing,noneofthishadeverhappened,andRenataandIsaachadbeenasleepintheirbedroomsincethesign-offaftertheteno'clocknews,andifSariwasstillavirginwithnoscrapesonherknees,anouttforthespringdanceatthetopofherlistofimminentworries.
IfitwerejustaregularSaturdaynight,andSari'dbeenoutwithHillatLoews84th,nothomeinbedwithHill'solderbrother.
They'dmaybehavesmokedacigarettetotransgress,butmostlikelythey'dhavesharedapintofSwissChocolateAlmond,theirplas-ticspoonssnappingliketwigsinthesolid,cold,sweetcream.
Cominghome,Sariwouldgetofftheelevatorrst,approach8E,herkeyinhand,andshe'dhavethatrushofnerves:pleasedon'tletMombeawake.
Pleasedon'tlethersmellthecigarettes.
PleaselethernotaskwhereI'vebeen,whyI'mlate,whyIdidn'tcall.
Backthen,whichisnotevenbackfarenoughtocallthen,backinthenowthatusedtobe,whenshe'dwantednothingmorethantoslipinsilentlywithnoonearoundtotakenotice.
Inside8Etonight,Renatamightbeawakeandlucid.
Orawakeandconfused.
ShemightgreetSariandaskhow'smygirlShemightgreetsomeoneelse,someonelongdeadorlost,onlyre-turnedthroughhermorphinehazeintheguiseofthegirlwhousedtobeherdaughter,whensheusedtobeamother.
OrRenatamightbeasleep,theTVashingamuteRhodaorMaryTylerMoore,Renata'shorriblebreathsraspingthroughtheroom,Sarithankinggod,orsomeone,thathermotherisnotawakebecauseallawakereallymeansisinpain,andlittleelse.
AndSarimightcrossinfrontofthescreen,pasthersleepingmother,andwhisperWayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNow89intheTVlight,"Goodnight,Ma.
Seeyoutomorrow.
"Itmighthappenjustlikethattonight,tomorrownight,thenext,Sari'swordslikeatalismanagainsttheendoftomorrows.
Orshemightopenthelockandstepinsideandndthatpartofthefutureisal-readygone.
90WayBackWhenintheNowbeforeNowFundamentalsofCommunicationCommunicationsisnotmyeld.
IteachFunda-mentalsofActingIandII.
IusedtodotheDramaticMonologuealternatingsemesterswithAdvancedImprovisation,sometimesevenstagedaproductionspringterm,buttherehavebeencut-backsandanewdeanwhoseemstothinkthatartisasdispensableascoffeefromthebasementvendingmachine.
DeanFordwouldactuallybeadecentenoughguyifnotforhisunboundeddemo-craticenthusiasmforsystemsofcheckandbalance.
He'sgonegung-hoabout"puttingthecommunitybackincommunitycol-lege,"sosuddenlyhe'sbeenheresixmonthsandwe'reallservingoneighteenzilliondifferentcommittees"fortheadvancementofdialogueamongstudents,faculty,staff,administrationandcom-91munity.
"TheRhetoric/Comp.
peoplewereallinasnitforawhileaboutthegrammaticalcorrectnessof"dialogueamong,"butthat'sprettymuchdieddownnow.
PatReiserinEconomicssuggestedweformacommitteefortheGrammaticalIntegrityofMemosfromPersonnel,orGIMP,butwe'reallovercommittedasitis.
TheonecommitteeFordhasfoistedonallofusisPEAN—that'sthePeerEvaluationandAdvisoryNetwork—andit'sPEANdutiesthathavemehereat8a.
m.
onaTuesdaymorningsittinginonDanZweibic'sFundamentalsofCommunication.
Dan'snotabadguy,justabadteacher.
Buthe'ssogoddamnearnestit'sgoingtobreakmyhearttodoanythingshortoflyingthroughmyteethonFord'sPEANformandproclaimingpoor,dullDantobe"dynamic,""engaging,""professional,""adept.
"Iwouldtoo,onlynoonewouldbelieveme.
Dan'samouse,asadlittlemousewhomusthavepursuedacommunicationsmajorincollegeasagoal-projectin12StepsbeyondShyness.
Sohere'sDanafewyearslater,doingtheCommunityCollegethingwiththebestandtherestofus.
8a.
m.
:preachingtothesedated.
Afewcompassionate,front-rowsoulsareswiggingfromcansofMountainDewpurchasedatthebasementvendingmachinesinanattempttocaffeinatethemselvesintoamodicumoffunc-tionality.
AndtheDewmaywellhavetwicethekickofCoke,buteventhat'snotgoingtodoitforDan'sstudentsthismorning.
Fund.
ofComm.
isarequiredcourse,meetsfourtimesaweekforanhourandaquarter.
Ihaveheard—throughthestudent/fac-ulty/staffgrapevine(UNITEDINGOSSIPWESTAND!
)—thatfourdaysaweekDandelivershimselfofaseventy-ve-minutelectureoncommunication.
Now,asawitness,Icantestifytotheveracityofthisoxymoron.
Alectureoncommunication!
NeedmyPEANreportsayanythingmoreThelecturehall(well,Jesus,what'stheadministrationexpectwhentheyscheduleaComm.
classinalecturehall)isasteeplyslopedauditorium,withDanstuckdownthereinfrontofuslikeababyinawell.
I'vesnuckinattheback,andI'mnotsurehe'sawareI'mhere.
Infrontofmeakidinadarktrenchcoatisdraw-ingwithafullboxof64Crayolaswhatappearstobeabirthdaycardforapersoncalled"Jeannine"whom,itwouldseem,heloves.
Afewseatsdown,agirlwholookslikeshe'sstillinherpajamasiswritingaletter,orrathertherstveorsixlinesofaletter,over92FundamentalsofCommunicationandoveronsequentialpagesofherspiralnotebook.
Everyfewminutesshesnapsupthesheetshe'sbeenworkingon,ipsitwithanangrycracklearoundback,andbeginsagain.
"April15.
DearWallace,I'minclass,whichsucks,whichyouprobablyguredsinceI'msittingherewritingyoualetter.
"AnotherrowdownfromFriend-of-Wallace,twowomenpassalooseleafbinderbackandforthinwrittenconversation.
Fromtheback,oneofthemlooksalittlelikeEmily,mydelight-of-a-daughter,who'sswornthat"ifit'sthelastthing"shedoes,she'smovingoutofstateassoonassheturnseighteenthisspringandthatshe'd"soonerdie"thantakeclassesatthesamedippycollegewherehermother"entertainsthelocalbimbos.
"Herlanguageisclichéd,butso'sthewholegoddamnsituation.
Ihavenoright,I'mtold(guesswhoby),toexpect"agoddamnthing"fromher.
And,goddamnit,shouldInothaveexpectedjustthatJustpreciselythat.
TheEmily-Girlreadsherfriend'slatestmessageinstallmentanddissolvesintosilentlaughter,andthat'smorethanenoughtodispelhersimilaritytomydaughter,whowouldnotgiggle,Idon'tthink,ifherlifedependedonit.
(Allclichésintended.
)Intheaisleofthesegirls'row,ayoungcouplehaveeschewedtheconventionofdesksandaresprawledonthesteps.
Theboy,withhisbobbeddarkhairandtortoise-framedglasses,leansagainstthewall.
Thegirl—long,newhite-blondhairskimmingpastajawthatmightbecalledhorseybutisnonethelessstriking—restsagainsthersweetie,herbackproppedbetweenhisopenthighs,herownlegstuckedbeneathher.
She'sslippedoffhershoes,apairoftinycork-soledclogsthatsitonthecarpetedstepliketwopetmiceheeledbesidetheirowner.
Thecoupleareamongthefewinthehallwhoareactuallylookingtowardthefrontoftheroom,butIdon'tthinkthey'relisteninganymorethanWal-lace'sfriendorJeannine'slover.
It'swhenIseeDanclimbinguptheaislestairsthatIrealizeI'mnotlisteningeither.
He'sdescribingalmofsomesort,anditbe-comesclearthathe'sheadeduptomantheprojectorfromthebackofthehall.
Danseemstospotthestair-coupleforthersttimewhenhe'saboutvestepsbelowthem,andthere'sashud-derofsomethinglikepanicthatcrosseshiseyes—thisisanun-anticipatedobstacle!
—andIcanpicturetheadolescentthatDanreallyisinsideseizedwiththeadolescentfearofhavingtoma-FundamentalsofCommunication93neuverhiswaypastaprettygirl.
Aprettygirlentwinedwithaprettyboy,thesuggestionofeverythingthatexistsbetweenthemsprawledrightthereacrossthestep.
ThegirlleanstowardthewallabittoallowDanpassage,butshedoesn'tactuallymoveover,justperformsthegesture,thesuggestionofmovement.
Danseemstofreeze,unabletomoveforward.
Heliftshishead,hiseyesitabout,andit'sthenhenoticesme,mytell-talePEANclipboardoutonthedesk.
Instantly,hishandrisesingreeting,likeachild'simitationofanAmericanIndian—How.
Dan'sfacecracksagoofysmileofutterrelief,asthoughIwerethefamiliarfaceinthecrowd,thefriendappearedsuddenlytorescuehimfromhismo-mentarylogisticalcrisis.
Ismilebackstify;afewheadsturntoseewhoIam.
Indmyselfnoddingabsurdly,asifIcancoaxDanupthestairsthewayIoncerootedEmilydowntheslide,upthemonkeybars,ontothetireswing—IthinkIcan,IthinkIcan—theLittleProfessorWhoCould.
Andwe'realljustpoisedthere,waitingtoseewhatwillhappen.
Suddenly,theboyfriend,inamomentofdivineinspiration,scoopsthegirl'sclogsfromthestep,one-handed,andholdsthemabovehishead.
Heisthedrawbridge,thestartergun,thebutlergesturingcomein,comein,andsomehow,miraculously,Daniswillingtoacceptthisyoungman'soffertolethimpasssafely:thecoastisclear,fullspeedahead.
Danscuttleswordlesslypast,ipsalightswitchatthebackofthehall,andresumescontrolofhissubject:showmovie,projectprojector,providenarration,fortranscriptsseetextbook,DynamicsofHumanInteraction,p.
472.
Onthesteps,theboyhassetthegirl'sclogsbackontheoorbesidethem.
Thegirliswearingasleevelessshirt,andinthedimlm-lightIcanseetheboynowplacehishandonthewarmskinofherbackjustbetweentheshoulderblades.
He'swearingsan-dalshimself,andoneofthegirl'shandsrestsatophisexposedtoes.
Theyarestill,eyestrainedtothescreen,butalltheenergyisthere,inthesetouch-points.
Theysit,shiftingoccasionally,glanc-ingattheglowingwallclock,waitingfor9:15.
Ican'tseethemaswellnow,intheshadows,butIcatchtheoccasionalmovementinoneoftheirhands,thecaressofanger,pressofapalm.
94FundamentalsofCommunicationFlowersintheDustbin,PoisonintheHumanMachineTheveryrstdayofnurseryschool,whenDavidRogosinndsoutthatAddieFarberdoesn'tknowhowtoreadandmakesfunofher,it'sKirstenGrandwhocomestoAddie'sdefense.
Later,atnaptime,whenMrs.
Hauserturnsofftheclass-roomlights,inthatmiddaydarkness—sunslicinginattheedgesofthewindowshades,thekids'ngersstickywithjuiceandFigNewtoncrumbs—KirstenandAddiearetookeyeduptosleep.
They'velaintheirsleepingmatsonebesidetheother,farawayfromstupidDavidRogosin,andasMrs.
Hausersettlesintoherchairacrosstheroomandstickshernoseintosomepapers,Kir-stenreachesacrossthepatchofcold,linoleumoorandtakesAd-95die'shand.
TheylielikethatuntilMrs.
Hauserturnsthelightsbackon.
Attheirsummer-houseontheshore,theGrandsspendtheweekendshavingbarbecues,swillingScotchwithDick'sbusinesspartnersonthedeckwhiletheywaitforthegrilltoreup.
Thisweekend,AddieisKirsten'sguest.
Thesteaksareasthickashertorsoandtakealotlongertocookthanthegirls'dinner:OscarMeyerWeinersfromthefreezer.
Theadultsaredrunkandboredtodeathwitheachotheraftergolfalldayandcorporatenanceallweek.
KirstenandAddieareinsidewatchingTheDatingGame,chewingtheirhotdogsquietly,thebunstickingtotheroofofAddie'smouthlikeawadofwettoiletpaper,whentheyhearDickholleringforKirsten,getyourbrainylittlebuttoutside!
Providetheguestswithalittleeveningentertainment.
AttheGrands'houseAddieistreatedlikeanextensionofKirsten:likeateddybearsheinsistsontotingaround.
Allthesame,DickandEfearegladtohaveAddiethere;shekeepsKirstenentertained.
DickkeepsforgettingAddie'sname;sheis"thelittlefriend.
"TheysetKirstenupinachaiselounge;Addiesitsonthedeckdanglingherfeetinthepool.
Itissummer.
Theyarefour.
Addiewatchestheveiny-nosedmennoddingimportantlyattheirsick-skinnywivesasEfeGrandstickstheArts&LeisuresectioninKirsten'slap.
Theadultslaugh,iceclinksinrells,Dickpusheshimselfupwithagroantogotestthere—sizzzzz—asplashofhisbeerspatteringonthecoals.
Atwitchy,pinchedwifeleansacrossherfathusband'slaptoEfebutspeakingloudly,forDicktohear,Iheardtheydidastudyandtheyfoundoutthatbrainscomefromthemother'ssideofthegenes.
.
.
Themanbeneathhersnorts,yeah,sonowonderourkid'samoron.
Andthey'relaughingandKirstendoesn'tknowwhatat.
Shejustkeepsread-ing:TheBiennialExhibitopensnextweekattheWhitneyMu-seumofArt,onMadisonAvenueandSeventy-fourthStreet.
Addiehearssomeonesay,Dick,thekid'ssmarterthanyou.
Wegotourselvesanewpartner.
96FlowersintheDustbinInrstgradeatlunchtimeMrs.
HowarddoesthecrosswordpuzzleatherdeskandisnottobedisturbedunlesssomeoneisnotbreathingorhaswonaNobelPrize.
TannerissupposedtobetheBoardofEd'sspecialprogram,thegiftedprogram:qualityed-ucationfortheintellectualelitewithafty-percentminoritystu-dentmandate,afertilegroundtotrainyoung,inner-cityteach-ers.
Buttheschoolisunderfundedandill-managed.
Theteachersareneitheryoungnorreadyforachallenge;oftentheyarenotevenstudentsattheteachers'college.
Mostoftenwhattheyareistiredandburnt-out,paidmeagresalariestosupervisetheboard's"littlegenius"children.
TheyliveinsubsidizedhousinganhouroutsideManhattan.
TheyschleptoandfromTannerbybuseveryday.
It'snotthattheydon'ttry.
But,Jesus,they'retired.
Mrs.
Howard'sclassisazooanditis"feedingtime.
"KirstensitsontopoftheTurtle,agreensteelhumpwithfoot-holesforclimbing.
Ontheirknees,theotherssurroundtheTurtle,carpetgritimprintingtheirkneecaps.
Mostaredogsbydefault:theyhangtheirpawsbytheirearsandpant.
Somearemorecreative.
Paigeisamonkey,eee-eee-ingandscratchingherselfunderthearms.
Nubiaisquiet,hunchedover,hertonguedartinginandouttocatchimaginaryies.
Occasionallysheribbits.
Maisieisal-waysMittentheCat.
Thisisherearlyclaimtofame:theleadingroleineveryplaythatKirstenwrites.
IntheMittenplaysAddiegetstobeTracyAustinandcarryatennisracket,butatthezoosheisadogliketherestoftheunimaginative.
Kirstendoesn'tactintheMittenplays;shedirects.
Andatlunchtimesheisalwaysthezookeeper.
"Comeonlittleanimals!
Who'shungrytoday"Kirstenpeelsastrawberryfruitroll-upfromitsplasticanddanglesthepinkgummysheetinfrontoftheirfaces.
"Mmmmm.
.
.
strawberry,"Kirstencoos,holdingitaboveherownheadandtakinganibblefromthecorner.
"Boyd,doyouwantafruitroll-up"sheasks.
Boydnodsvigorously,shakinghisbuttlikeatail.
Animalsarenotallowedtospeak;theymustwintreatsthroughcuteness,justliketheanimalsatthezoo,whocannotsaymymomneverletsmehavefruitroll-upsathome,pleasecanIhaveabite.
Theymustmaketheireyesbig,facespuppylikeandpathetic.
Theymustsnife,andwhimper,andpreyonthesympathyofothers.
FlowersintheDustbin97Boydopenshismouthwideandgrabsacornerwithhisteeth.
Thefruitleathertearsandopsontohischin.
Handsaren'tal-lowed,andBoydhastoslurptogetitallinhismouth.
HeturnsbacktoKirsten,pantingformore.
AddieiseyeingtheStarburstsrestingnexttoKirstenontopoftheTurtle.
Kirstenopensthepackandpullsoutorange,wavesitabovethecrowdforamoment,andthentossesitovertheirheads.
Afewkidsscrambleforitonallfours.
Addiewaits.
SheknowsthatnowKirstenwilltossanotherStarburstintothethinned-outcrowdwhichshewillbeabletocatchmoreeasily.
KirstenaimsinAddie'sdirection:red.
Shebendsandgrabsitinherteeth,scrap-inghernoseandchinagainstthedirtycarpet.
Starburstsaregoodbecausethey'reindividuallywrapped.
Otherwiseshe'dhavetoeatitofftheoor.
Thekidshavelearnedwhattoasktheirmomstopackinlunchbags:HersheyKisses,TootsieRolls,BlowPops.
WithAddie'smom,itmakesnodifferencewhatsheasksforbe-causetheydon'tbuysugarinAddie'shouse.
KirstenunderstandsthisandletsAddieplayanyway,andtheotherkidsgoalongwithitOK.
Somekidsarenotallowedtoplaynomatterwhattheybringintheirlunch:DavidRogosineatseggsaladsandwichesandstickshisboogersinhisdeskandheisneverallowedinthezoo.
WithBrittanyWilkesitjustdependsonKirsten'smood.
Some-timesAddiewishesKirstenwouldleteverybodyplay,butsheknowsthattoaskKirstenifBrittanycouldjoinortosimplyin-viteBrittanytothegameherselfwouldbeabetrayal.
ItwouldcostAddieherniche.
Soshefollowsalong,barkingandpanting;shealwaysgetstoplay.
Addieisanexception.
Anexceptiontotheexceptions,really.
BecauseTannerisaschoolforthe"exceptionallygifted.
"Admissionisbytestonly;tuitionisfree.
Tannerphilosophy:exposetheselittlemindstoknowledge.
Smartkidsneednotbetaught;theyneedsimplytobeprompted,positioned,urgedingooddirections.
Theyaregath-erersofexperience.
Soteachers,saystheBoardofEd,tellyourstudentstheyareexceptional.
Tellthemtheyaredifferent.
Makeyourselfalistofsynonymsanduseitreligiously.
Here,we'llstartyouoff:thecreamofthecrop,thecrèmedelacrème,special,gifted,supersmart,thebest.
Encouragecreativity.
Doalotofartprojects.
Takealotofeldtrips.
Letthemspendalotoftimein98FlowersintheDustbinquietstudy;they'lllearnmorefromeachotherthanyou'lleverbeabletoteach.
OnTuesdaysinsecondgrade,AddietakestheschoolbushomewithKirstenandtheyplaythereattheGrands'apartmentun-tilAddie'smomcomestopickheruponthewayhomefromwork.
TheGrands'housekeeperseemstochangenearlyeverytimeAddiegoesover,alwaysablackwomanwithanaccentfromJamaicaorHaitiwhoknits,watchesallthesoaps,andsleepsinatinyconvertedlaundryroomoffthekitchen.
Thegirlsarenger-paintinginthekitchen,kneelinguponsticky-vinylyellowkitchenchairs,oldbutton-downshirtsofDick'sfastenedaroundthem—backwardassmocks—bythehousekeeper,whoisinthedenwatchingTVandfoldinglaundry.
"I'mpaintingascene,"KirstentellsAddie,dippingangerdaintilyinblue,"ascenefromtheplay.
""Whichone"Addieasks.
AddiewondersifmaybeKirstenhaspointierngersthanshedoes;shecan'tmakeherownpaintinglooklikeanything.
"Youdon'tknowit,"Kirstensays.
"It'sfromanewplaythat'sstillinmyhead.
""AMittenplay"Addieasks.
"Maybe,"shesays.
"Andmaybenot.
""Hm,"Addiesays,feigningdisinterest.
ShesipsherYooHoofromitsglassonthetable.
Itisdeliciouslysweet:somethingAddiedoesn'tgetathome.
ItisworthenduringevensomeofKirsten'smoods.
ThegirlspaintquietlyuntilAddiebeginsworkonaeldofowersandKirstenpeersoverhershouldertoinspect.
"Ilovethekellergreen,don'tyou"shesays,pointingtoAddie'sgrassyplanes.
"Thewhat""Thekellergreen,"sherepeats.
"It'ssospringyandglad.
"Kir-stengivesalittlehumtoherselfandturnsbacktoherownwork.
"Whatdoyoumean'thekellergreen'"Addiedemands.
"WhatdoyoumeanwhatdoImean"FlowersintheDustbin99"Keller.
"Addiemimics.
"Yousaid'keller,'insteadof'color.
'"Kirstenlooksherdeadon.
"'Color'"sheasksbenignly.
"What'sthat""Whatdoyoumean'what'sthat'Color.
That'swhatit'scalled.
Acolor.
Red,orange,yellow,purple,green,blue—colors.
"Kirstenpushesthehairoutofhereyes,runningastreakofgreenthroughhertangledblondmop,andxesAddiewithherhardest,mostcondescendingstare.
Thewhat-a-cute-and-silly-little-mistaken-girl-you-arestare,thestareAddiemosthatesherfor.
"Addie,"shesaysslowly,"thewordiskeller.
"Addiefeelsparalyzed,likeKirstenischangingtherulestotheworld,andAddiewillbeleftbehind.
Thereisnowheretoturnforhelp.
ThehousekeeperbarelyspeaksEnglish.
"Cutitout,Kir-sten,"shepleads,thepaniccomingupinherthroat.
"Kellerisn'taword.
"EverythingseemstohangstillforamomentwhileAddiepraysforthejoketobeover.
ButKirstenisn'tcracking.
"Addie,"Kirstenbeginsafteramo-ment,"it'sOKifyoudon'tknowthatword.
Don'tworry.
"Kir-stenreachesanarmaroundAddie'sshoulders.
"Youshouldn'tgetsoupsetoveralittlethinglikethat.
"Addie'sbodyisrigid.
"Hey,"Kirstensays,hertonerising,"wanttogowatchTVwithYolanda"Addiecannotnod,butshefollows.
Itisjustpastveo'clockwhenthedoorbellrings.
Yolandapushesherselfupfromthecouchtoanswerit,butAddie,whohasbeenpoisedonthelipofthesofa,readytopounce,beatshertoit.
Shestruggleswiththedeadboltforasecond,doesn'tevenremembertoaskwhoisit,andingsopenthedoor.
Hermomap-pearsatlast,standingthereintheGrands'foyerlikeamagician'sassistantwhohasbeenlosttoolongbehindthemagiccurtain.
Addiecanfeeltheoutsidecoldrushingoffhermother'sbodyinwaves.
Hermomseemsstartled.
"Hi,baby.
.
.
"shebegins,butAddiecan'tholditinanylonger.
"Mom,rightthewordiscolornotkellerKirstensaidit'skeller100FlowersintheDustbinbutit'snot.
Rightit'scolorTellher,Mommy,tellherit'scolor.
Tellherhowtosayitright.
"Addie'smom—hereyesblinking,theglimmerofasmileick-eringbeneaththesurfaceofherexpression—lookstoYolandatotryandsharethismomentwithanotheradult.
"Hi,"shesays,tuggingoffagloveinordertoshakeYolanda'shand.
"I'mAntheaFarber,Addie'smom.
"Yolanda,eitherunawareorintentionallyignorantofthehandextendedtowardher,givesalittlenod,"Missus,"anddisappearsintothedepthsoftheGrandapartment.
Addie'smomlookssomewhatdaunted.
SheturnsbacktoAddie.
"What,babeWhatareyousaying"OnlythenKirstenappearsinthearchwayofthehall.
"HiKirsten,"saysAddie'smom.
"Howareyou""HiMrs.
Farber.
Fine.
"Kirstenleansagainstthedoorframechewingahangnail.
"Mom,"Addiewhines.
Shefeelslikeshe'sgoingtoburst,likethere'sairpressurezoominginfromallaroundher,andshe'sboil-inghotunderneathherclothes.
ThereisnomorecoldNewYorkaircomingoffhermother,sosheisuseless,norelief,likeanice-packleftout,gonegushyandwarm.
Addiewantstoyathermomandpressherfaceintothethickcanvasofhercoat,pullcoldoutofthecloth.
"Mom,"shewails,hervoiceedgingtowarddis-solve,"wewerepaintingand.
.
.
"Buthermomcutsheroff,ahandsmoothingthehaironAd-die'ssmallhead.
"That'sgreat,Adds,doIgettoseeCanwebringyourpaintinghometoshowDaddy"Addie'sdesperationfeelstoxic.
Hervoicecomesoutloudandshaky.
"Mommy!
No!
Wait!
Listen!
"Hermomsensesthepanic.
Shesnapstoattention.
"Wewerepainting,andKirstensaidthewordforcoloriskelleranditisn'tbutshesaysitis.
Onlytellheritisn't.
It'snotkeller.
It'scolor.
"Addie'smomlookstoKirsten,posedthereinthearchwaylikeanold-timemoviestar.
Hervoiceisinstantlydiplomatic.
"Kir-sten,"shesays,"Addie'sright,thewordiscolor.
"AndAddieshouldfeelrelief—thereliefofrightness—butshedoesn't,insteadsuddenlyrealizingwhatKirstencandonow:denyFlowersintheDustbin101havingeversaidanythingtothecontrary.
Onlyshedoesn't.
Fromthedoorframe,herfacewidewithinnocence,poutymouthpursedwithknowing,KirstenxesAddie'smomwithasleepy-liddedstare.
"No,Mrs.
Farber,"shesays,hercheekstwitching,mockingasmile,"thewordiskeller.
"JimmyCarterwinsasecondtermaspresidentintheTannerthirdgrademockelection.
Itisalandslidevictory:twenty-sevenvotes.
PaigeSoranoistheonlyonewhovotesforAnderson.
Ad-dietriestoexplaintoPaigewhatherparentshaveexplainedtoAddie:thatavoteforAndersonisreallyavoteforReagan.
"An-dersonisn'tgoingtowin,"Addie'smomsaidlastnightatdinner,"andifaDemocratvotesforAndersonthat'sonelessDemocratforCarter.
Ifweforceasplitlikethatinthedemocraticvote,we'reshootingourselvesinthefeet.
PracticallypassingReaganthepresidencyonasilverplatter.
"HermomhadmadeeggplantPar-mesan,andtherewassalad,andwholewheatrolls.
"IhavetovoteforthecandidateIlikebest,"PaigetellsAddie.
"That'swhyit'sademocracy.
"Addiepushesherbangsoutofhereyesandletsthemfallbackstatictoherforehead,exasperatedbyPaige'snaveté,herstarry-eyedidealism,butalsobytheunfair-nessofitall.
AthomeAddie'stoldthattheworldisahardplacewheregoodpeopleghttodothebesttheycan.
Thiscountryisademocracy,anditworks.
Addie'sparentshavetaughtherthatgoodpeoplewhoworkhardgetwhattheydeserve,butsuddenly,standingthereinthecoatroomwithPaige,thisnolongermakessense.
Inafaircountry(whichhermomanddadsaythisis),forsomeonetowantJohnAndersontobethepresidentbutnotbeabletovoteforhimseemscrazy,andAddiewishesrightthenthateveryonecouldbelikePaige:honestandimpervioustoeventhesimplesttacticorstrategicalmaneuver.
Paige,Addiedecides,ishowpeopleweremeanttobe.
KirstenGrandistheonlypersoninMrs.
Urstle'sthird-gradeclasswhovotesforRonaldReagantobethefortiethpresidentoftheUnitedStates.
102FlowersintheDustbinWhenReaganiselectedforreal,Addie'smotherjoinsthePTA.
Thegovernment,shesays,isfallingtoshit,butherdaughter'sschoolwillnotgothesamewayifshehasanythingtosayaboutit.
SheiselectedtreasurerandbeginstospendalotoftimeonthephonewithRozDiNardo,Lydia'smom,whoworksafternoonsintheTannerofceasavolunteer.
Justwantstostaybusyandin-volved,shesays.
"RozDiNardoisagodsendtothatschool,"Addie'smomsaysoneevening.
Theyareonthecrosstownbus,cominghomeafteraPTAfund-raisingdrive.
"ButthatwomanhasamouththesizeoftheLincolnTunnel.
"Backattheapartment,MomplopsontothecouchandnuzzlesintoDad,whohasbeendoingthecrosswordpuzzlewiththeTVon.
"WhatacattywomanIbecomearoundRozDiNardo,"shehalf-laughs,half-moans.
ThenMomeatsjustcottagecheeseandyogurtfordinnerandgetsannoyedatAddieforreadingSweetValleyHighwhenthere'salibraryofbrilliantliteratureoutthere.
Later,asafamily,theywatchNOVA.
TheclassfromTanneriswalkingsouththroughthestreetsofManhattantotheStowbridgeSchoolfortheannualFourthGradeSpellingBee.
AddieandLydiaDiNardoarepartners.
Mrs.
OkoleadsthewaydownMadisonAvenue,theheadofthisscrappylittletroop,trudgingaroundAprilpuddles,instructedspecicallynottosplash.
Fortherstfewblocks,thechildrenarequiet,mak-ingtheirwaythroughtheTannerneighborhood.
Thisareaabove96thStreetisnotedmainlyfortrash,crime,andOptimocigarshopsoneverycornerwheremaltliquorisabettersellerthancoffeeatnineinthemorning.
Below96ththechangeisabrupt.
Thechatterlevelrises.
HokjumpsinapuddleandsplashesdirtywateralloverOlu'spants.
BrittanydoesapirouettewhiletheywaitforalighttochangetoWALK.
ThestorestheypassAddie'smomwouldcall"cutesy":cardshops,bathshops,storesthatsellnothingbutantiquedoll-housefurniture.
Addieistransxedbyawindowdisplayofhang-FlowersintheDustbin103ingmobiles:satinheartsandrainbows,plushstuffedstarswithglitteryribbonsutteringdownlikeacomet'stail.
"ImightgetKirstenamobilelikethatforherbirthday,"shetellsLydia,point-ingastheypass.
Kirsteniswayaheadofthem,partnerswithMaisie.
"When'sherbirthday"Lydiaasks.
"Soon,"Addiesays.
"Didn'tyougetaninvitationyet"Lydiashakesherhead.
Hereyesit,likeshe'stryingtopretendshedoesn'tcare.
"Oh,"Addiesays.
"Maybeitgotlost,"sheadds,"inthemail.
"Lydiashakesherheadagain,no,butstilldoesn'tsayanything.
Addiefeelsbad,anddumb,andclumsy.
She'ssaidthewrongthing,again.
Shealwayssaysthewrongthing.
Theywalkanotherblockinsilence.
Thesunglintsoffthepuddles,oilyanddark.
"Kirstenshouldn'tevenbehereintherstplace.
""What""She'snotsupposedtobehere,even,"Lydiasaysagain.
"Kirsten.
""WhatdoyoumeanEverybodygetstogotothespellingbee.
"Addiedoesn'tunderstand.
"Notheretodayhere.
HereatTannerhere,"Lydiasays,hereyesstilldown.
Addiecanthinkofnoresponse.
"Shedidn'tevengetin,"Lydiacontinues.
"Mymomfoundoutintheofce.
Therewasawholebigthing.
Iheardmymomtellsomeoneonthetelephone.
ShesaidKirsten'sparentssaidthey'dsueTanneriftheydidn'tletKirstenin,becauseshe'ssosmart.
Sotheyletherin.
"Still,Addiecannotprocessthisenoughtospeak.
Itdoesn'tmakeanysense.
Kirstenismaybethesmartestofallofthem.
"Imagine,"Lydiaissaying.
"Imaginewhatit'dbelikeifKir-stenwasn'there""How"Addieasks.
"Ithinkitwouldbebetter,"Lydiasays.
"BetterifKirstenwasn'there,don'tyou"ShelooksatAddieforthersttime.
Addiehastosaysomething.
"Maybe.
Idon'tknow.
""Ithinkitwouldbe,"Lydiasaysagain.
Thentheyarequietawhile.
104FlowersintheDustbinTheinvitationstoKirstenGrand'stenthbirthdayareWool-worth'scards,overstock,onthin,cheappaper.
CelebrateaGrandDecade,andsomeone—DickorEfe,ormaybeKirsten—hasmadealittleinsertionmarkbeforethewordtowriteinKirsten.
AKirstenGrandDecade.
TannerkidscalltheStowbridgeSchooltheSnob-richSchool.
TheSnob-richbuildingwasamansionbeforeitwasaschool,theTannerkidshaveheard,andthroughtheentrancegateAddiecanseeahugemarblestaircasewithcurlicuebanisterssweepingup-ward.
TheTannerSchoolisaconvertedmattressfactory.
TotheTannerkids,theSnob-richesseemperfect.
Theboysalllookcuteandblond,theiroxfordshirtsuntucked,loafersscuffed.
Thegirlsarepaleandporcelain-skinned.
Theyhavesidepartsintheirhair,whichfallsoveroneeyelikeamodel's.
Theyhavepinklipsandprettykneesstickingoutfromtheirplaidmini-skirts.
Whenthegateopens,twogirlsbenttogetherinasecretlifttheirheadsinunisonwithaswooshofhairthatsendsacloudofJohnson'sbabyshampoorushingintoAddie'snostrils,andshewishesshewereanywhereintheworldbuthererightnow,wishesshewereanyoneintheworldbutherself:stumpycow-licksjuttingoutalloverherhead,curlingupovertheedgesoftheplasticheadbandshewearstokeepthemdown.
Suddenlysheissoembarrassedshewantstobedead.
Truly:dead.
Every-thingthatisOKatTannerisnolongerOK,anditneverwillbeOK.
That'ssomethingthey'veknownmaybeaslongasthey'veknownanything:itisonlytoeachotherthattheywilleverbelong.
"Squalor.
S-Q-U-A-L-O-R.
""Pharmacy.
P-H-A-R-M-A-C-Y.
""Indignant.
""Aspirate.
""Scavenger.
""Orbital.
""Cloaked.
""Remember.
""Obnoxious.
""Sentimental.
""Sorcerer.
""Con-venient.
""Hideous.
"ItisPaige'sturn.
"Hideous.
H-I-D-I-O-U-S.
"FlowersintheDustbin105Theywinanyway.
Theyalwaysdo.
BackatTannertheywillhavetomakeathank-youcardtosendtothelittleSnob-riches.
Theyhavetosigntheirnamesandwritehowniceitwastobeguestsintheirschoolandhowmuchthefourthgraderswilllookforwardtonextyear'sbee.
Mrs.
Okospreadsabigpieceofoak-tagonthearttableinthecorneroftheclassroom,andtheyspendtheafternoondoing"quietstudy,"workingonExplorerreportsordoingworkbookexercisesattheirdesksandgoingtothecard-tableinpairstowritetheirmessagesandnamesandtodrawpictures.
CortésisAddie'sexplorer,andshesort-ofreadsabookabouthimwhileshewaitsforherturntosignthecard.
PaigeandMaisiesitinfrontofAddieattheirdesks,andPaigehasopenabigbookonJuanPoncedeLeón,onlyshe'snotreading,justsittingtherewiththebookproppeduponherdesklikeashuttershe'shidingbehind.
AddietriestogobacktoMontezumaandCortésandtheAztecs,butshehearsalittlegaspandawhimperinfrontofherandlooksupagaintoseePaige'sshouldersshudderalmostimper-ceptibly.
Sheiscrying,Addierealizes,suddenlynervousandem-barrassedforPaige.
It'slikewhenHokgothitwithadodgeballinthestomachandgotthewindknockedoutofhim,andAddiefeltsobadthateveryonehadtoseehimlikethat:gaspingandscaredandoutofcontrol.
Shejuststoodtheredumblycraningoverhim,notwantingtogettooclose,saying,areyouOKHey,areyouallrightSheputshernosebackdowntoHernandoCortésandletsPaigecryinpeace.
JustthenMaisieleansoverandputsanarmaroundPaige'sshoulders.
Paigeshuddersagain.
AddiecanhearMaisiewhisper:"AreyouOK"andshewantstoknowhowMaisiecanmakethosesamewordssoundsoearnestandreal.
"It'sOK,"MaisietellsPaigesoftly.
"Thatwasahardword.
"MaisiepetsPaige'shead,smoothingherhairoutofherfacelikeAddie'smomdoeswhenshe'ssick.
Iwillneverbeasgoodaper-sonasMaisie,Addiethinks.
ShelooksaroundtoseeifanyoneelseiswatchingPaigebreakdownandcatchesKirsten'seyetwodesksdown.
Kirstenismouthingsomething,butAddiecan'tun-derstandwhatsoshakesherhead:Ican'thearyou.
Withanexas-106FlowersintheDustbinperatedhuffKirsteningsopenhernotebookandripsasheetoflooseleaffromthethree-ringbinder.
Shetucksherheaddownandscrawls,thenfoldsthepaperuptinyanddropsitabsentlytotheoor.
JennyPowilla,whositsbetweenKirstenandAddie,pre-tendsnottonotice.
Handshiddenbeneathherdesk,Addieunfoldsthepaper.
DoessheexpectustoforgiveherfornotbeingabletospellherownmiddlenameWhatacrybaby!
AddielooksatKirsten,confused.
Kirstenrollshereyesandpushesherselfupfromherchair,twitchingherheadtotheclass-roomdoorandmotioningforAddietofollowhertoMrs.
Oko'sdesk.
Mrs.
Okoiseatingatunashsandwich.
"Mrs.
Oko,canme'n'Addiegotothebathroom"Mrs.
Okoswallowshermouthfulofryebreadandcelery.
Thereismayonnaiseinthecornerofherlip.
"It'snotverynicetosaythatAddie'smean,isit,Kirsten"ThisiswhatMrs.
Okoalwayssays.
Kirstenshiftsherweighttotheotherfoot;shespeaksinavoicesosyrupy,anyself-respectingteacherwouldsendhertotheprin-cipal,justforbeingsmarmy.
ButdisciplineisnotsomethingTan-nerenforceswithanystringency.
Kirstenbeginsagain,"Imean,mayAddieandIpleasebeexcusedtousetherestroom.
"Mrs.
Okolookslikeshejustwantstogetbacktohertunash.
"Threeminutes,"shesaysandpointsthegirlstothedoor.
Inthestall,withtheblackmetaldoorshutbehindthem,Kir-stenliftsherskirt,pullsdownhertights,andpeeswhileshetalks.
Onthewallbehindher,carvedcrudelyintothepaint,isapoem:We'retheowersinyourdustbinWe'rethepoisoninyourhu-manmachineWe'rethefutureYourfutureSUCKACOCK.
"Canyoubelieve,"Kirstensays,reachingforthetoiletpaper,"thatshemesseduponsuchaneasyword""WhoPaige"Addieasks.
"OfcoursePaige,"shesays,yankinguphertights.
"Paige'Hideous'Sorano,whocan'tevenspellherownname.
"KirstenpushesAddieoutofthestall,forgettingtoush.
Whentheycomebackintotheclassroom,PaigeandMaisiearesigningthecard.
ItlookslikePaigehasstoppedcryingandiswrappedupinwhatevershe'sdrawing,andAddiethinks:good.
FlowersintheDustbin107Paigewillmakeabeautifuldrawinglikeshealwaysdoesandthenitwon'tmatterthatshe'snotagoodspellerbecauseshe'sthebestartist.
PaigedrawspicturesthatmakeAddieneverwanttopickupaMagicMarkereveragainaslongasshelives.
Astheypassthedrawingtable,KirstenleansovertoMaisieandscratchesherunderthechinlikealittlecat.
"PrettylittleMitten,"Kirstencoos.
Maisielooksup,hersweetchubbyfacealla-smile.
Shecloseshereyesdemurely,rubsthepeachfuzzofhercheekagainstKir-sten'shand,andpurrs.
"Goodkitty,"Kirstenstrokesthebackofherhead.
"Good,goodkittyMitten.
"AcrossthetablePaigeisbentoverthecard.
KirstenandAddiegotothecard-signingtabletogether.
Maisiehasmadeacatnexttohername,andacrossfromit,Paigehasdrawnaportraitoftwolittlegirls,oneinjeansandaT-shirt,theotheraStowbridgegirlinheruniformskirtandsweater.
Thetwogirlsareholdinghands.
Underneathshehassigned:YourFriend,PaigeSorano.
WhenAddiegetstoschoolalittlebitlatethenextmorning,thingsareinanuproar.
Mrs.
Okoisgone,Paigeiscrying,andMaisielookslikeaspookedhorse,hereyeswideandshifty.
SomekidsarecrowdedaroundthearttablewheretheSnob-richcardwasyesterday.
Today,thetableisempty.
Addiepeersover,try-ingtocatchwhatpeoplearesaying,whenshefeelsahandonherelbow.
"Vandalism,"LydiatellsAddie,hervoicehushedasaTVdetective.
"Someonestolethecard"Addieasks,incredulous.
Shethinksofherowers:pink,green,yellow,blue.
"No,notstolen.
Vandalized.
Someonetamperedwiththecard.
""Why"Addieasks,knowingthisisthewrongquestion.
Thereisanuggetoffearcaughtinherchestlikesheisabouttobeac-cusedofacrimeshehassomehowinadvertentlycommitted.
"Idon'tknowwhy.
"Lydiaisgettingexasperated.
108FlowersintheDustbin"Imean,how"Addieasks.
"Whatdidtheydo"Lydialeansin.
"SomeonewroteinthingsonPaige'ssignature,"shewhispers.
"What"Addieasksafteraminute,butshe'sfakingit.
Shedoesn'thavetoask.
"Whatdidtheywrite""Abubble,likeincomics,"Lydiasays.
"Someoneputabubblecomingoutofherdrawing,outofthemouthoftheTannergirlinherpicture,thatsaid'DUH'andthenithadtheword'hideous'spelledwronglikePaigespelledityesterday.
Andtheyalsowroteitinwithhername,likeitwasanicknameorsomething:Paige'Hideous'Sorano.
Mrs.
Okosaidshewasgivingthe'guiltyparty'fteenminutestothinkabouttheircrimeandapologizetoPaigeandtotherestoftheclass.
Thenwe'rehavingamathquiz.
"Addie'seyeshurtandshefeelssweaty,likeshewantstothrowup,likethere'ssomethinginsideherthatshouldn'tbethere.
"Hey,TracyAustin,"Kirsten'svoicecomesupfrombehindthem.
"Didyouhearwhathappened"Addiecan'ttalk.
Kirsten'seyesaredramatic.
Sheisdoingindig-nity,andshe'sdoingitwell.
"Isn'tthatawful"shedrawls.
"Canyoubelievesomeonewoulddothat,afteralltheworkwedidonthatcard,canyoube-lievesomeonewouldruinitlikethatIcan'tbelieveit.
"Addiecan'tbelieveit.
Kirstenseemsalmostgiddywithexcite-ment,withthethrillofherownperformance.
Addiestartstopanic,startstowonderifmaybeKirsten'ssetitallupasatrap—ifshe'stellingpeoplethat"Hidious"wasAddie'sidea,notherown.
Everythingstartstocrumblethen,andAddiesees,forthersttime,whatitwouldbeliketobeontheoutside—tobeBrit-tanyWilkes,orDavidRogosin.
TohaveMaisieandLydiaandeveryoneelsepassherinthehallsandonlyglare.
TohavePaigenotlookatheratall.
Tohavethemthinkthatsheisevil.
Thatshehastrickedthemallalong—alltheseyears—trickedthemintolikingher.
Thatsheisafraud,aphony.
ThatthisterriblethingisAddie'sfault.
Shehasfacilitatedit,gonealonganddonenoth-ingtoprotectanyoneagainstKirsten—nothingtowarnPaigeorJennyP.
orMaisieoranyone,alltheseyears—nothingtostandinKirsten'sway.
ShehasonlymadeKirsten'spowerpossible,stronger,hasbeenasourceofthatstrength.
Addiehasbasked,FlowersintheDustbin109shimmeringinthelightthatKirstencasts,protectedandwarmed.
Shehasbathedinthesun,swuminthepool,drunkYooHoo.
ShehasbeenTracyAustin.
Foryears.
NoonebutAddiehaseverbeenTracyAustin.
Shehasclaimedalltheglories.
Nowthereisre-sponsibilitytobear.
SheisasbadasKirsten.
Allofthis—all—itisallherownfault.
Noonecomesforward.
Theytakeamathquiz.
Addiecan'tre-memberhowtondtheleastcommondenominatorandhastoleavethreequestionsblankoutoften.
Itisn'tuntilafterMrs.
OkohascollectedthepapersthatAddiecancatchKirsten'seyeandmaketheirbathroomsignal:twosign-languagePs.
Mrs.
Okoex-cusesthemwithoutherusualgrammaticalrigmarole.
Addielocksthestalldoorbehindthem.
Kirstenipsdownthetoiletlidandtakesitasaseat,herlipspursedexpectantly,likeshe'swaitingtoknowwhatthesecretisshe'sbeendraggedofftothegirls'roomtohear.
She'snotgivingawayanything.
Addiedoesn'tknowhowtobegin.
"Didyou"Addieasks,hopingmaybethatwillbeenough.
AddieknowsKirstenknowsthatsheknows,anditseemsimpos-sible—unthinkable—thatshewouldpretendtoher—Addie!
—insecret,justthetwoofthem,hereinthebathroomstallwhereyesterdayKirstenlaiditallrightout,plainasday.
"DidIwhat"Kirstenasks,puzzled.
"Didyou.
.
.
whatyoutoldmeyesterday.
AboutPaige.
Didyou"Kirstengivesalittlechortletoherself—asoftsnortaccompa-niedbyaslowshakeofherhead,backandforth,agrinnestledinthecrookofhermouth.
"IguessIwasn'ttheonlyonetomaketheconnectionbetweenPaige'smistakeinthespellingbeeandher.
.
.
"Kirstenclearsherthroatdramatically,"herratherinter-estinglooks.
""Butdidyou.
.
.
Imean.
.
.
youdidn'twritethatthereOnthecard"Kirsten'sjawdropsindeterminedshock.
"Youdon'tthinkI'ddosomethingthatstupid,AddieGod.
"Shescootsoffthetoiletseatcoverandstands,handsatherhips.
110FlowersintheDustbin"Idon'tknow,"Addiesays.
"Jesus,Addie,Iwasthinkingthatmaybeyouhaddoneit,butIwasn'tgoingtojustgoandaccusethepersonIthoughtwasmybestfriendofdoingsomethinglikethat.
"NomatterwhereAddiegoesinthisconversation—inanycon-versation—Kirstenwillalwaysbeastepaheadofher.
"Jesus,Addie,didyoudoit"She'stappingherfootonthegroundimpatiently.
"NotlikeI'deveraskyouthat.
Jesus.
Ifyoudidthat,Addie,you'reawholelotstupiderthanIthought.
"Sheshakesherheadagain,asiftotossoffthedisbelief,thenunlocksthedoorandslamsout,anotherJesusexclaimedunderherbreath.
Themetaldoorswingsshutagainbehindher,andAddieisleftaloneinthebathroomstall.
Except:iftheytookallthenamesofallthewhitekidswhopassedtheentranceexamandputtheminahatandpickedthemblind,andthey'dpickedAddie'sname,andLydia'sname,andJoshLeibowitz'sname,andPaulForrester'sname,andnotKirsten'sname,andKirsten'sparentssaidthatwasn'tfairandthat'swhyKirstenisatTanner,thenwouldn'tithavebeenjustaslikelyforKirsten'snametogetpickedintherstplaceandnotAddie'sMaybeAddieshouldn'tbehereeitherMaybesheisasbadasKirsten,andherparentsareasawfulasDickandEfeMaybeherparents,justlikeKirsten'sparents,threatenedtosueTannerifAddiewasn'tacceptedintoMrs.
Hauser'snurseryclassIfshecouldtakeitback,shethinks,shewouldslipthroughthecracks.
Shewouldnotbespecial.
Thecrèmedelacrème,thecreamofthecrop,thesmartestofthesmart,bright,bright,brightasabulb.
IfIcouldtakeitback,shethinks,Iwouldberegular.
IfIcouldtakeitback,Iwouldbeme.
ThegraftionthebathroomwallbleedsinfrontofAddie'seyes.
ThefutureYourfutureSUCKACOCK.
Steppingofftheschoolbus,Addieseeshermomeatingapeach,huge,pinkish-orange,beautiful,unbelievable,therstoftheseason—spring!
SheholdsitouttoAddie,hersmilehugewithanticipation.
ButAddiejustburstsintotears.
Sheburiesherfaceinthatfamiliarraincoat,hermother'shandsinherhair,sweetFlowersintheDustbin111voiceandbreathhushingoverAddiebaby,baby,sweetbaby,honeywhat'sthematter,baby,what'shappened,shhhh,shhh,babyshhhhhandAddiesobsharderintothefoldsbecauseshedoesn'tknowif,likeMaisieandPaigeandLydiaandNubiaandJennyPowillaandallofthem,hermotherisgood.
OrifsheisjustlikeDickandEfeGrand,likeKirsten,likeAddie.
Bad.
"Jerks!
"hermomsaysunderherbreath,slammingthesilver-waredrawer.
Hermomhascoaxedtheentirestoryoutofher,here,atthekitchentable.
"SoyouandDaddydidn'tsayyou'dsueTanneriftheydidn'tletmein"HermomgrabsAddie,pullsherintight.
"Oh,babyno.
Ofcoursenot,no.
"ShetugsAddiefromherthen,wrenchesheralittlesoshecanlookrightintoAddie'sface,rightintoherdaughter'seyes.
"Youaretherebecauseyouareaveryveryverysmartgirl.
AndKirstenisaverysmartgirltoo,butshe'salsonotanicegirl.
Kirstenisnotagoodperson.
Youknow,baby,asdifcultasKirstenis—andthatchildhasneverbeenanythingbutdifcult—itisn'treallyKirsten'sfault.
Herparents—youknowherparents,Adds,they'renotnicepeople.
Andthat'sallKirsten'saround.
That'sallshesees,andthat'stheonlywaysheknowshowtobehave.
"Mompauses,studyingherdaughter'sfacetoseeifsheknowswhothislittlegirlreallyis.
Thissmartgirl,thisgoodgirl,hergirl.
HerAddie.
ThensheleansoverandkissesthetopofAddie'sheadbetweenherbangs,stands,andswingsopentherefrigeratordoor.
"Chickenorspaghettifordinner"sheasks.
"Chicken,"Addiesaysandswallowshardwithafear—afearoflearningmore,ofknowingmorethings,thingsthatoncesheknows,nomatterhowmuchshewishes,shecannever,ever,un-know.
Hermomspinsaroundtoheragain,andAddieknowsshewillsaymorebecauseshealwaysdoes.
"Iknowyou'reangrynow,baby,andyouhaveaperfectrighttobe,"shesays,pullingayellowStyrofoamtrayfromthefreezerandthunk-ingdownthepackageofrocksolidbreastsonthecounter,"butmaybeoncethatangerwearsdownsomeyou'll112FlowersintheDustbinrealizethatKirstenissomeonetofeelsorryfor,notsomeonetohateorbescaredof.
She'sgoingtobeasadandnastypersonjustlikeherparents,andshe'llhaveuglinessandunhappinessinherlifejustlikethem.
She'ssmart,butthat'snotgoingtobuyherhappiness.
KirstenGrandisgoingtobebrilliantandmiserableherwholelife.
"Atschoolthenextday,Kirstenkeepsherdistance.
Peoplearestilltwitteringaboutthe"Hideous"thing,butTannerlifeisgoingonprettymuchasusual.
KirstenhasbegunplottingforthenextMittenplayandisbuddyinguptoMaisieandPaigetocol-laboratewithheronsetandcostumedesign.
PaigeandMaisieare,ofcourse,relishingtheattentionwhileKirstenshowersitonthem.
Shecandothat:castalightoveryouthatfeelssogoodandsowarmthatyou'lldoanythingtostaythere.
You'lldothingsyouthoughtyou'dneverdojusttokeepthatlightonyourface.
Excludedfromtheclique,AddiehangsoutwithLydia,whoisneverpartofanycliquebutseemsgladforAddie'sattention.
She'sdoingCortésforherExplorerreporttoo,andtheydecidetomakeadioramatogetherofoneoftheAztectemples.
Thisneces-sitatesanothertriptothelibrary,soLydiaandAddiespendthehourslottedforSocialStudieslookingforabookwithapicturetocopy.
"Outbythecubbiesthismorning,"Lydiawhispersbythecardcatalog,"JoshLeibowitztoldHokthathethoughtthatKirstendidthethingtothecardbecausetheywereatAfter-Schoolandshecould'vesnuckbackupstairs.
"AddiecannotlookatLydia,soshestaresdownintothecardle,ipping,lookingforsomethingAddieknowsLydiaknowsshe'snotreallylookingfor.
Finally,Addiespeaks.
"Whatifshediddoit"shewhispers.
Lydiastartsippingherlefastertoo.
"Youthinkshedidit""Idon'tknow.
I'mjustsayingwhatif.
"Theyndapicturebookandtakeittoacornertableinthebackroom.
Andthere,inthelibrary,overtheGoldynAztectemplesofMontezuma'sreign,AddiecantellLydiaeverything.
Lydiaisamazinglyrational.
"Itwouldbepetty,"shesays,"toFlowersintheDustbin113tattletoMrs.
Oko.
ButwehavetotellPaige.
She'sgoingtogethurtevenworseifshedoesn'tknow.
"Addieagreesvehemently.
TheydecidetogetPaigeaside,awayfromKirstenandMaisie,atlunchtimeandtalktoher.
Theyknowtheyaredoingtherightthing.
Paige'seyeswellupimmediatelybeforethewordsareevenhalfoutofAddie'smouth.
Theyarestandinginacornerofthebathroom,justAddieandPaige,becausethey'daskedMrs.
Baht-stein,whowasonyardduty,iftheycouldgoinsidetothebath-room,Addie,Paige,andLydia,butMrs.
Bahtsteinsaidonlytwoatatime,soeventuallyAddieofferedtotellPaigesinceitfeltlikeherresponsibility,really,ultimately,somehow.
Lydiastayedbehind.
"Wejustthoughtthatyouhadarighttoknow.
"AddiewantstoputahandonPaige'sheadlikeMaisiedidandwhispersofteverything'sgoingtobeallright,Paige,we'reyourrealfriends.
I'llbeyourfriend.
I'llbethebestfriendyou'veeverhadintheworld.
"Kirstentoldmethat'swhatyouweregoingtosay,"Paigesays,"andIdon'tknowwhotobelieveanymore.
Ihateit,"shesays.
"Ihateit.
Ihateit.
Ihateallofit.
"Thenshepushespastandrunsfromthebathroom,andAddieisleftaloneagaininthatscratcheduglytoiletstall.
IntheyardAddiendsKirsten,withMaisie,onthetoprungsofthemonkeybars.
AddiehasrunpastLydia,unabletospeak,unabletoknowwhatsheevenwantstosay,onlythatshehastosayittoKirsten,hastostandthereatthefootofthemonkeybarsandshoutuptoher,meanerthanshe'severspokentoanybodyinherwholeentirelife:"IhateyouKirstenGrand.
IhateyoumorethanIhateanybody.
You'reajerk.
You'rejustajerk.
Yourparentsarejerks.
Andallyouwilleverbeisamiserable,awful,mean,stupidjerk!
"AddiescreamsatKirsten,thesuninhereyes,Kir-stennearlysilhouettedagainsttheskylikeagiantorademon,somethingbeyondAddie'sworld,notofthisworld,somethingscaryandhorriblecomedownfromthesun.
114FlowersintheDustbinKirstentipsherheadslightlytowardMaisie,andintheshiftofsunAddiecanseeherfaceturnedhorrible,thattangledmassofblondhairframingasmallandcontemptuousandevilsmile.
ShelooksbackdowntoAddie,cocksherheadtotheside,andsaysinherlittlesing-songvoiceusuallyreservedforteachersandhouse-keepersandpeopleshehates:"Ajerkisatug,atugisaboat,aboatliesonwater,waterisnature,natureisbeautiful,thankyouforthecompliment.
"Andthen,puttingherhandsdownonthebarsbesideher,Kirstendropsbackward,herhairfallingdowninMedusasnarlsasshehangsbyherknees,swingingbackandforthundertheAprilrecesssun,laughing.
Thatweekend,whileAddieandhermomareplayingClueatthelivingroomtable,atelegramarrivesatthedoor.
AddieknowsalreadythatitwasnotColonelMustard,orProfessorPlum,orMr.
Green,orMrs.
Peacockwhodiditandthatitwasn'tinthebilliardroom,thekitchen,ortheconservatory.
Shehasnothingontheweapon.
Itcouldhavebeenanything:candlestick,rope,knife,revolver.
.
.
Shehasnotkeptacarefulenoughrecord.
Shewishestheycouldjuststartoverfromthebeginning.
Hermomsignsforthetelegram,butit'saddressedtoAddie.
It'sshort.
Itsays:"YOUAREDISINVITEDTOKIRSTEN'SBIRTHDAYPARTY.
DONOTCOME.
"Shereadsitandunder-standsbutalsodoesn'tunderstandatthesametime.
Itfeelslikethingsunderneathherskinarecrumblingintonothing,andthenAddieisgone.
Addieisgone,butotherthingsarestillthere—theglasstopofthetable,wetwiththesweatofanapplejuicedrink-box;thesquareoftheboard;roomsinthehouseofMr.
Body;theredpawn(MissScarlet!
Yes,sheremembers!
SheisMissScarlet!
),theredpawnonitswaytothelibrarywhereanaccusa-tionmightbemade;theradiotunedtoWQXR,classicalmusicwaftingoverlikealways;andMom'shandsonherheadandhershhhhhhshhhhhhbabyshhhhhrufingintoAddie'searsliketheoceanfromaseashell,WQXRseemingsofar,soveryfaraway,andtheywillnevergureoutwhokilledwhomwherewithwhatbecausethecardsjustgobackinthepacktodrawagainFlowersintheDustbin115nexttimearoundandnothingthey'velearnedfromthisgamewillmeananythingandthey'llhavetostartalloveragain,dumb,andblind,andclueless,andAddieisscared,soscared,evenintheshhhhhhhh,eveninhermommy'sshhhhhhhhbabyshhhhhh-hhhsheismorescaredthansheeverknewshecouldbe.
116FlowersintheDustbinMailingIncorrectlyMeredithputscumininherspaghettisauce.
ShepoursasplashofSamAdamsintothepotfromtheopenbottleinherhand,thentakesaswiganddumpsinalittlemore.
ThespiceshelfabovethestoveiscrammedfullofcoloredplasticbottlesthatsellveforadollaroutofabinatThriftyDrug.
Meredithreachesforaredoneandshakesasmallpoofofbrownpowderintothesauce:cinnamon.
It'shighlyunorthodoxspaghettisauce:shreddedcarrots,parsnips,acanofasparagustips,atinoftinyshrimp,tomatoeslchedfromaneighbor'svine.
Iaminchargeofthepasta.
Meredithholdsherbeerbottleinonehandandnestlesitbe-tweenherbreasts.
IcanpictureMeredithcalmlyplacingonelarge117handunderneathherownbreastandliftingittosay"suckthis"tosomeobnoxiouscustomeratthecoffeehousewheresheworks.
Mentrytopickherupconstantly,butshe'sgota"sweetie,"asshecallshim,downatUCLAFilmtowhomshe'scommitted.
I,ontheotherhand,haveChristopher,Meredith'syoungerbrother,who—thankgod—isleavingSantaCruztospendhisjunioryearinFlorence.
HegotbootedfromtheuniversitydormswhenthesummersessionnishedlastweekandisstayingwithMeredithuntilhetakesoff.
There'sonlytwoyears'differencebetweenthem,andtheytendtowanttothrottleeachothermoreoftenthannot.
ThesedaysI'mclosetolosingitwithhimmyself.
WhenItrytojustifythefactthatIdidn'tpartwayswithChristopheramonthagoafterourrstdatewhenhedraggedmedowntothebeachtowatchhimboogie-board,ItellmyselfthatI'vebeenstickingaroundbecauseIlikeMeredith.
Also:SantaCruzislonelywithArigone.
WhenChristophercomesintothekitchenhe'swrappedinatowel:freshlyshoweredandstillwet.
HestandsoverthestovesnifnganddrippingintoMeredith'ssauce,grabsabottleofTa-bascofromtheshelf,andgetsreadytopour.
"Getawayfrommystove!
"Christopherbacksoff,handsraisedinsurrender,hissleek,hairlesschestconcave.
"Don'tgethysterical,"hesaysandouncesbacktowardthebathroom,hislongbrownringletsdrippingbe-hindhim.
Ican'tgureoutwhatI'mdoingwithaguylikeChristopherexceptthatsinceArilefttownI'vebeentryingtomakemyselfdate.
That'sessentiallythereasonAriandIbrokeup:soIcouldseeotherpeople.
WemetsoonafterIstartedatSantaCruz,whenAriwasaseniorandIwasapalerst-yeareasternerwho,amongthetanned,beaded,braidedCaliforniaBeautifulPeople,tendedtoblendinwiththecafeterialinoleumortheoatmealtheyservedinthebreakfastline.
ThatrstquarterIatealoneeverymorningintheKresgecafeteria.
Oneday,acoupleofweeksintoclasses,thisguycameandstoodbehindthechairacrossthetablefromme.
Hehadafulltrayandlookedencumbered.
Hesaid,"EverydayIwatchyoueatbreakfast.
Youeathalfagrapefruitandsqueezetheleftoverjuiceintoyourspoon.
YoualwayshaveabowlofGrape-NutsandsometimesLuckyCharmsafterthat.
Youdrinktwocups118MailingIncorrectlyofcoffee,oneregular,onedecaf.
WhoareyouMayIsitdownMynameisAri.
""Zagarella,"Isaid,motioninghimintothechair.
"Zagarella,"herepeated.
Mynameinhisvoiceunsettledme.
Hesoundedlikeabotanistdiscoveringandnaminganewspeciesofplant.
Zagarella—Ithinkthecruxofitliesrightthere:howlongtheywaitbeforeIbecomeZag.
Christopherwasdoingitbyourseconddate.
"YouneedtomarryamannamedZiegfreid:you'dbeZigandZag,"hesaid,obviouslypleasedwithhisownwit.
Asifnoonehadevercomeupwiththatonebefore.
I'mnotevensureexactlyhowlongAriwaited.
Iremembersometimeduringourrstwintertogetherndinganotestucktomycam-pusboxthatsaid:Zag—cometodinneratmyparents'inSanFran.
It'stherstnightofChannukah.
Ari.
AndIrememberthinking,yes,that'sne.
WhenArigraduatedthatspringandstartedhismaster's,wemovedtogetherintoa"couple'sapart-ment"ingradstudenthousingandlivedtheretwoyearsuntilArinishedhisthesis:"ThePsychologyofSmall-GroupWilder-nessExperience.
"HewasplanningonstickingaroundSantaCruztobewithmewhileInishedup.
IloveAri,buthe'salsotheonlymanI'veeverreallybeeninvolvedwith.
Sowhenhestartedtalk-ingaboutndingaplaceupinthehills—ourownlittleA-frame,withayard,maybeagarden—Istartedtalkingaboutndingoutwhatitmightbelikeforustoseeotherpeople.
Finally,Aride-cidedthattherewasawholeworldtoseeand,witheverylastdol-larinhisWellsFargoaccount,boughtaplanetickettoNewZea-land.
He'sbeengonetwomonths,andIhadn'theardathing.
Untilthisweek,whenayellowpostofceslipappearedinmyboxsay-ingthatIhadalettertoretrieveatthemainbranchdownonPa-cicAvenue.
Attachedtotheslipwasafoldedformnotefromthepostmaster.
Itwasapologetic.
Theoutsideread:sorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorryWe'resoverysorrysorrysorrysorrysorrysorryMailingIncorrectly119Inside,Iwasaddressedastheir"valuedcustomer":WhensomethinglikethishappensthePostalServicecanneversaysorryenough.
Wetakeresponsibilityforthemailthatyouhaveentrustedwithusveryseriously.
didyouknowUsingaletterenvelopetomail.
.
.
*jewelry*loosecoins*keys/keychains*campaignbuttons*pens/pencils*candyMayresultin.
.
.
*lossofvaluables*damagedmail*delayedmail*injurytoemployee*damagetomachineryweneedyourhelp!
Useproperpackaging,i.
e.
,smallpaddedbags.
Sharethisinformationwithsomeonewhomaybemailingincorrectly.
ThenextdayIwentintotown.
ItwasrainingandSantaCruzlookedlikeFreeport,Maine.
Peopleinyellowslickersheldtheircollarsagainstthewind,andIgotacravingforlobster.
Onlyonewindowatthepostofcewasopen,andtherewasalonglineofpeopleshakingumbrellas.
Acrosstheooramaninahoodedsweatshirtandanavyanorakponderedthestampmachine,thenturnedmywaytocheckthewallclock—itwastheNewAgeCarpenter.
HeiswhereverIam.
Itusedtospookme;nowit'ssurprisingifIgosomewhereanddon'tseehim.
IspottedhiminabookstorewhenIrstcametoSantaCruzfromMassachusettsandspentmytimehangingoutintheSports/Recreationsectionsoftheusedbookshopslookingatphotosofsailingregattasandspin-120MailingIncorrectlynakersails,missinghome.
HewasbytheSelf-Help/Spiritualityshelves.
Ifollowedhimtothecashregister,whereheboughtTree-houses:ADo-It-YourselfGuideandStarhawk'sTheSpiralDance,whichhepaidforwithaninordinateamountofchange.
Hiscarrelisonthesameoorasmineinthelibrary,andIpasshimeverytimeIgotothebathroom.
Weattendthesamelectures,frequentthestudentemploymentofce,andgotoallthefreeartlmsoncampus.
IseehimbythebulkbinsattheNewLeafMarket,tast-ingthegranola.
Wehaveneveracknowledgedeachother.
Ihandedtheclerkmyyellowslip,andshepresentedmewithalargemanilaenvelopeprintedwiththecourierpigeoninsignia,mynametypedofciallyonthefront.
Itwasverylight.
Ithankedher.
Iboughtsomestamps:$1.
28forasetofElviscommemora-tives.
Icouldwalkovertohim,Ithought.
Icouldsay:I'lltradeyouanElvisforaLOVE.
Or:Don'tyouhateitwhenyourstampsgumtogetherinthehumidity.
DoyouhavechangeforadollarBythetimeIturnedaroundtheNewAgeCarpenterwasgone.
Ari'sletterwasmutilated.
Idon'tunderstandhowtheyman-agedtodeciphertheaddresstogetittome;itlookslikeitwasownacrossthePacicbyaseagull.
IwenthomethedayIgotitandcried,somethingIhavenotdonesinceArileft.
ThenIsatdownatmydeskwiththeletter.
Itwasalmostrippedcompletelyintwo,heldtogetherbyastringofenvelopegum.
Ibegantodis-sectit.
MostofthepieceswerefragmentsofaboutaninchorsobythetimeIgotitallseparated.
Itisspreadacrossmydesklikeajigsawpuzzle.
Iamtryingtopieceitbacktogether.
It'snotgoingtoowell.
SofarthisiswhatIknow:TheighttoAucklandwaslong.
Theyshowed"SayAnything"whicheitherwasroman-ticandmadehimfeelnostalgicortheotherwayaround.
Some-thingaboutahostelinOkarito,hissomethinggettingstolen,twowomennamedMarcellaandJa-something,andafeasthewasin-vitedtoattend.
P.
S.
HereisanaddressIcanbereachedatforawhile.
Applepicking.
LittleSydneyValley.
Youhurtme.
Ihopeyouarendingwhatyouneedtobending.
Ihopeotherindeci-pherablethings.
Theseasonsarereversed.
Idosomethingaboutyou,butamtryingtosomething.
It'sraining.
Doyourememberwhenwesomethingbecauseweneededtosomethingandwejustcouldn'tunderstandwhatwasgoingon.
.
.
MailingIncorrectly121ItsoundslikeAri:hopeful,sentimental,understanding,andblunt.
Isomethingabouthimtooandamtryingtosomething.
IdecidedthatthenextstepwastobuysomeclearcontactpapersoonceIgetapageassembledIcanencaseandpreserveit.
Sothisafternoon,beforedinneratChristopherandMeredith's,IstoppedatMore's.
ThereareplentyofdrugstoresuponMissionclosertocampus,butIamsomewhatunnaturallyattractedtoMore'sanduseanyexcusetomakeasojourntotheirsuperstoreoveronSo-quel.
More'sisoneofthosedrugstoresthatalsosellsarandomassortmentofsurplusfooditemsandoverstockmiscellany.
AndIhaveastrangeloveofgoingthereeverycoupleofmonthstostockuponallmyembarrassingdrugstoreitemsatonce.
Itakeabsurdamountsofpleasureinsettingmyshoppingbasketdownattheregisterandwatchingthecashier'sfaceasheorshetalliesmypurchases.
IloseallsenseoftimeinMore's.
It'slikemeditation:pushingmycartupanddownthestockedaisles,wordsandcolorsbecom-ingswirlsbeforemytranced-outeyes.
Iloseallshoppinginhibi-tions.
WhenIwasnallyreadytoleave,thesunwasbeginningtosetoutside,andmycartwaspiledwithJoleneCremeHairBleach,VaginalContraceptiveFilm,aboxofegg'n'onionmatzohs,fourcansofsauerkraut(2for77),Compound-W,abulkboxoftam-ponsnotmarkedforindividualsale,atinofDanishbuttercook-ies,someOdor-Eaters,atwelvepackofCare-Freeinavarietyofassortedavors,ajaroflightlypickledcocktailokra,andatubeofGyne-Lotrimintohaveonhandjustincase.
Andarollofclearcontactpaper.
Iwheeledmycartthroughhousewaresaroundacornerdisplayofcannedsoupstowardthecheck-outlineandpulledinbehindamanbuyingDependundergarmentsandasix-packofMoosehead.
IpickedupacopyofGoodHousekeepingtoleafthrough,butthenIglanceduptochecktheprogressofthelineandrealizedthatthepersonworkingtheregisterwastheNewAgeCarpenter.
Icouldhavewalkedrightuptohimandpointedtothecondomstheykeepbehindthecashier'sbooth:AndaboxoftheRamses,notheExtra-Sensitive,yeah,thanks.
Instead,Isteeredmycartbehindthebatterydisplay,parkedit,andstrolledinconspicuouslyoutthesidedoor.
122MailingIncorrectlyChristopherslathershisportionofspaghettiwithTabascoandtellsMeredithit'sreallygood.
"You'deatcompostwiththatstuffonitandneverknowthedifference,"sheretorts.
"Isn'tthatwhatthisis"hesays.
"Howmuchlongertillyouleavethecountry"shesays,look-ingatherwatch.
"Toolong,"hegrunts.
"Youcansaythatagain.
"Christopherslideshischairbackandcarrieshisplateintothelivingroom.
Meredithtunstome.
"Youhavesiblings"sheasks.
Ishakemyhead.
"Nowonderyou'resosane,"shesays,andthenshelooksatmekindofseriously.
"Zagarella,"shelowershervoiceandleansintome,"whatareyoudoingdatinghim""Idon'tknow.
"Itfeelsgoodtosaythat:Idon'tknow.
I'mnotsurehowmuchmoreIcansay,though,ifthere'ssomevestigialblood-loyaltyshehastothisguywhohappenstobeherbrother.
"It'sjustkindofaweirdtimerightnow,"Itellher.
Meredithnods,aforkfulofspaghettioccupyinghermouth.
"Youguysshouldcomebythecoffeehouselater—there'slivejazztonight,"Meredithsaysacoupleofminuteslateronherwayoutthedoortowork.
"I'lltalkto.
.
.
"IgesturewithmythumbtowardtheChristo-pherinthelivingroom.
"Cool,"shesays.
Sheturnstogo.
"Thanksfordinner.
.
.
"Icalltoher.
"Noproblem,let'sdoitagainsometime,"shecallsback.
Thensheturnsandpeersbackinaroundthedoorframe.
"Withouthim,"shemouthstome.
Iamsmilingasthedoorslams.
MailingIncorrectly123IndChristopherinthelivingroomsmokingabowlandwatchingSeinfeld.
Heisentranced,andIndmyselfmourningthelostchildhooddaysofCarolBurnettreruns.
Onthecommer-cialbreak,Christopherreacheshishandoverandtracesangerroundandroundmykneecap.
Heexploresmyshin,followingthebonedowntomyfootandbackupmyleg.
Hishandcomesover,aroundmythigh.
Truly,Iamfascinatedbymyowndesire:thisphysicalwantingforsomeoneIdon'tevenlikeallthatmuch.
Wehavesexwith90210inthebackground.
DylannallytellsBrendathatwhileshewasinFranceforthesummerheandKellyhadaing.
Donnawon'tsleepwithDavideventhoughsheloveshimbecauseshedoesn'tbelieveinpremaritalsex.
AndreaappliestoYale.
WhenChristopherfallsasleep,Igetupandtakeashower.
Later,weheaddowntowntothecoffeehouse.
It'saconvertedwarehouseoffCedarStreet,withanondescriptgreendoorandnosign.
It'sjustcalledthecoffeehouse,andthoughtherearemorecoffeehousesinSantaCruzthananythingelse,everyoneknowswhichoneyou'retalkingabout.
Inside,thelargeroomisstrangelymuted.
Beams,pulleys,andchainsalongthehigh,vaultedceilingarepartlyobscuredinshadow.
Thewholeplaceiskindoflikeapieceofpostindustrialinteractiveartwork.
Onlythetablesalongthewallshavelamps,andstudentsghtforpatchesoflight.
Inthefarcorner,wheretheooriscoveredbyadeepredOrientalrug,ajazzcomboisplaying.
Meredithstandsbehindthelongwoodenbaracrosstheroomtakingordersfromanendlessstreamofcustomers.
Shepausesattheespressomachine,herbacktous,andcollectsherlonghairfromherneck.
Herhandsmovedeftly,reex-quick,andwhensheresumesmakingherlatteherhairistiedinachignonknot.
ChristopherandIndatable,andhesitsontheedgeofhischair,tappinghisfeetfreneticallyanddrum-minghishandsonthetable.
Hisheadswayswiththemusicandhecloseshiseyes,makingmethinkofStevieWonder.
Themusicisgood—abass,drums,sax.
.
.
Istartandboltupfrommychair.
"I'mgoingtogetsomethingtodrink,"ItellChristopher.
TheNewAgeCarpenterisplayingthepiano.
"HeyZag,"MeredithsayswhenIgetuptothebar.
IamstrangelytouchedthatshehascalledmeZagandsimilarlysur-prisedatmyreaction.
IthinkforthersttimethatmaybeIdon't124MailingIncorrectlyreallyhavearepugnancetowardnicknamesassumedtooearlybutanaversiontosuchimpliedintimacywhenitcomesfromsome-oneIdon'twanttobeintimatewith.
FromMeredith,it'snice.
"How'sitgoing"sheasks.
"Theguyplayingthepiano.
"Imotiontowardtheband.
"That'shim.
"I'vetoldherthisstory.
IhavenottoldittoChristopher.
IdidtellittoAri.
"Himwho""HimtheNewAgeCarpenter.
""Theonewhohauntsyou""Uhhuh.
"Meredithcranesaroundmetogetabetterlookathim.
"That'shim"shesays.
"He'sinhereallthetime.
Morningsusually,early.
Wehadahellofatimegettingintouchwithhimaboutplayingtonightthough.
Hedoesn'thaveaphone.
IthinkhelivesupinEland.
"ElandisintheredwoodforestontheUCSCcampus.
ThemoderateclimateofSantaCruzbeingwhatitis,awholemessofpeopleliveupthereinthewoodsinmakeshiftlean-tos,tents,andtreehouses,gnomehomestuckedamongtheredwoods.
Theleavesrustlewithdisembodiedvoices.
Therearepeoplehiddeninthetrees.
"What'shisname"IstarttoaskMeredith,thenchangemymind.
"No,don'ttellme.
Idon'twanttoknow.
"Thereisalullinthemusic.
Icouldlookup,straightathim,andhemightbelookingstraightatme.
Doyouknow"AllofMe"I'dsay.
Ofcourse,he'dsmile.
Meredithoffersmearidehomewhenshegetsoffwork,whichIacceptgratefully.
Isitinfront,Christopherinback.
Inmyroom—mysingledormercelloverlookingthebay—Iamupun-tilfour,permutatinganddecipheringtheparticlesofAri'sletter.
How'syourbuddyHe'snotjustacarpenter,Ari,he'sajazzmusiciantoo.
DoesthatmakeyouevenmorejealousSome-thingwhatyou'rethinkingabout.
Graduationcheapfarestosomewhere.
Doyouevenwanttotry,ZagBlurredwordsareyoudoing.
Iknowsomethingimportant.
TrySeewhathap-pensnomatterFijiSamoaTheCookIslandsgoodbeermissingS.
C.
youIdidn'tgrovelthennownotwhatI'mabout—weare/were/can/shouldbeaboutSomethingtimeMailingIncorrectly125isn'tsomething.
Maybeyouaresomethingwe'renotreadyyetLONGHAULCOMMITMENTSomethingsomanyothertravelersEuropeansGermantoatinybeachtraveltogetherforawhileshegoesbacktoGermany.
AtsevenIstoppretendingtosleepandtakethebusdown-town.
Thecoffeehouseisadifferentplaceinthedaytime.
Clink-ingglassesandmutedconversationsecho,bouncingoffthehighground-glasswindows.
Dustparticleshoverandsparkleinthickslicesofsunlight.
TheNewAgeCarpenterisatthebar,readingandmakingpencilnotesinthemarginsofhisbook.
Ibuyacupofcoffeeandtakeittoacornertable.
Theairiseerilystill,densewithquiet,likethemomentafteranearthquakebeforethesur-faceworldresumes.
Iwashereforthebigonein'89.
I'dlivedinCaliforniaforalloftwomonthsandwassittingoutononeofthelawnsoncampuswhenIfeltthetremors.
Therstthingthatcametomymindwas:getinsideadoorframe.
Isn'tthatwhattheytellyoutodoinanearthquakeIstartedrunningtowardthephysicshallsoIcouldgetunderadoorframe.
Luckily,Ariwasrunningoutofthephysicshall.
Heturnedmearound.
Wesatonthegrasstogetheruntilithadpassed.
"Wouldn'tyouratherdielikethat,"Arisaid,"inthefaceofsomethingreal,thangodowninaplanecrashorgethitbyastraybulletinsomecrackbust""CouldIgetarell"theCarpenterasksthewomanbehindthecounter.
"House.
Withalittlesteamedmilk.
"Hisvoiceisairyandwarm;thephrasessettlesoftly,likefroth.
Youplaythepiano.
YoustudyClassics.
YouworkatMore'sonWednesdayafternoons.
YoureadStarhawk.
Youliveinatree-house.
YoustayedfortwoshowingsofWingsofDesire.
Yourbi-cycleisgreenandthecombinationlockissorustyit'ssometimeshardtoopen.
MynameisZagarella.
WhoareyouIspendthemorningpeeringattheNewAgeCarpenterthroughtheleavesofapottedspiderplant.
Iwatchhimread.
SomenumberTempoPlace.
Torbay.
Auckland.
NewZealand.
Friendsofthefamilywho'dagreedtoreceiveandforwardhismail.
Iwanttobehere,allherebutsomethingsomethingiswith126MailingIncorrectlyyouIcan'tlosethat.
There'sabigchunkIjustcan'tndthatgoesinheresomewhere.
Sheisnice.
Ithinkthat'ssomething-lywhatyouwantedmetodo,inaway.
OK.
Ican'treadthisnec-essarythispebbleonthebeachatOOkaritojaggededge,curvedplaneDearAri,DIDYOUKNOWUsingaletterenve-lopetomail.
.
.
rocksMAYRESULTIN.
.
.
Zagarellagoingin-sanebecauseshesitsinherroomalldaytryingtoreconstructyourletter.
sendyouthisDamagedMailalittlepieceofwhereIamLossofValuablestosharethisInformationwithsomeonewhomaybemailingincorrectlyhere.
now.
DelayedMail.
come.
thinkaboutit.
Youhaveentrustedveryseriously.
Cannotsaysorryenough.
Ari.
SorrySorrySorry.
Thephonerings.
It'sMeredith.
"Zag,Ihaveahugefavortoask.
.
.
""Atyourservice.
""CanyousubformeatthecoffeehousethisweekendRob'slmisbeingscreenedatUCLAandIwanttobethere.
IfIleaveafterworktonightIcanmakeitdriving.
AllI'dneedyoutocoverwouldbetheSaturdaymorningshiftandSundayafternoon.
Pay.
Tips.
Andallthelatteyoucandrink.
.
.
""I'macoffeenovice,"Iwarnher.
Shecondesinme.
"BeforeIstartedworkingthereIwasahard-coreTastersChoicedrinker.
""Hey,I'mnoteventhatbad—justyouraverageMaxwellHouseinaMr.
Coffee-type.
""We'llhaveyoudrinkingTanzanianPeaberryauLaitsinnotime.
""WillyoupromisetohavedinnerwithmewhenyougetbacksoIcanhearaboutthescreening""WithorwithoutChristopher""Mustyouevenask""Youareon,"shesays.
"Mytreat.
""Havefun,"Itellher.
"I'llseeyouSunday.
"MailingIncorrectly127Ari'sletterhasmademefeelthewayIdidwhenIwasapplyingtocollegeandgotrejectedbyoneofmysafetyschools.
Ihadab-solutelynointentionofgoingtherebutcriedovertheletterjustthesame.
IneverdidgobacktoMore'sforthecontactpaper.
IsweepAri'sdisintegratingpiecesbackintothepostofce'smanilaenvelope,reclaspit,andstickitinmydrawer.
ThecoffeehouseisevenquieteronSaturdaymorningthanitwasonThursday.
Ihaveputawaythecleanglasses,madetwocupsofEnglishBreakfastteaforanelderlycouplewhoarereadingthepaperatanearbytable,pouredalargecoffeetogo(blackwithoneSweet'nLow),andeatena"chronologicallychallenged"(day-old)scone.
Heentersunobtrusively,wearinghissameoldhoodedsweat-shirt.
Hetakesoffhisbackpackandsetsitbyastoolatthefarendofthebar.
Hewalkstowardme.
MynameisZagarella.
Ibelieveinshockandashesoffate.
Iunderstandpartsbutnotthewhole.
I'mnotsurewhatholdstheworldtogether.
Willyoutalktome"Hi,"hesays.
"CanIhavealargecoffee,forhere""House,"Isay.
"Withalittlesteamedmilk,right"128MailingIncorrectly31/25Thepostcardistasteful:asteepandsnowyslopeborderedbyevergreens.
TheGrandTetonloomsregally,backedagainstaskythat'sblueenoughtosellskipassesbutmaintainsitsintegritywithafewscatteredclouds.
Threeskiersinstrategi-callycoordinatedouttssendcloudsofpowderbillowingintheirwakes.
Inthelowerright-handcorner,inapurewhiteeldofsnow,mydaughterhasdrawnherselfintothescene.
She'saball-point-bluestickgureindicatedbyanarrow:"ME.
"Meisstuckinasnowbank,armsandlegsjuttingeverywhichway,skisandpolesstrewnacrossthehillside,ahaloofstarsandtweetingbird-iesorbitingheroversizedhead.
"Tweet-tweet,"theysayinthebubblesbytheirbeaks.
"Tweet-tweet.
"129"ThesnowisGORGEOUS!
!
!
"SheandherfatherhaveowntoWyomingforherspringbreak.
"I'mthinkingmaybelawschoolinWyoming!
()"MydaughterisajunioratHarvard.
HerGPAisdisturbinglyhigh.
Shewouldlike,shethinks,tobealaw-yer.
Civilrights,perhaps.
Maybewomen'sissues.
"Dadboughtmenewsunglassesattheskishop.
"Hallelujah!
Isay.
Mydaugh-teristerriedofspendingmoney,willnotshop,wearsherfa-ther'soldclothes,breaksdownatyardsalesoccasionallyandbuysapairofshoes.
Notleather;shewillnotwearleather.
"Mynoseissunburnt!
"Herfather'snose,herfather'seyes,hismouth,feet,coloring.
Shehasmytemperament.
Shehashadbracesbutneverglasses.
Sheis,Ibelieve,avirgin.
Mydaughteris54.
Ithinkshecannotweighmorethaneighty-vepounds.
Thisisnotaques-tionIampermittedtoask.
TherearefewquestionsIampermittedtoask.
Theysharearoom,mydaughterandmyhusband,attheAl-penhofMountainInn.
Idonotski.
Butalso:Icouldnotspendaweekinthecompanyofthewraiththatusedtobemybaby.
Myhusbandphonesmeoneeveningwhenhehasamomentalone.
"She'sbeeneating,"hesays.
"WhatissheeatingCanyoutalkShe'snotthere,isshe""She'sinthelobbywatchingTV.
""She'sintheladies'roombarngiswhatshe'sdoing!
""Stop,juststop.
Allright.
Juststop.
"Nooneisallowedtospeakofanything.
Weareperfectingtheartofpostcardlove:theglossyveneer,theever-bluesky,justenoughroomtosaynothingatall.
Mydaughterisapostcard:paperthinandfullofemptysentiments,cannedendearments,everysentencestuckwithaduncecapofanexclamationpoint.
Mydaughterhasbecomeapersonofmanypoints—!
!
!
!
!
,IQpoints,knees,elbows,vertebrae,accusations,"that,Mother,isnotthepoint"—andlittleelse.
Mydaughterdepictsherselfinballpointpen;therubofangertipsmudgesherawaytonothing.
13031/25819WalnutWelivedinthathouseonWalnutStreetasiffourwallsandaroofweregoingoutofstyle.
Itwasunderstoodthatgraduatingfromcollegewaslikebeingputoutwiththecatandyesterday'semptymilkbottles,andwefullyexpectedtospendtherestofourlivespoundingonthedoor—"Wilma!
Wiiiil-maaaaa!
"—tryingtogetbackin.
ComeMaywe'deachbeonourown,andwepassedoursenioryearonWalnutStreetasifthatwereliterallytrue:thatoncethetasselswereipped,capstossed,housekeyshandedovertoourabsenteeogre-of-a-landlord,we'dstrapeverythingweownedtoourbacksandstepout,solitaryanddirectionless,intoaworldweknewonlyas"real.
"Ofcourse,noneofthiswasthecaseatall.
Aftergraduation131NinaandClairedrovetoSanFranciscoinaU-Haulstuffedwithantiquehousedresses,pilfereddormfurniture,andJesuscandlesfromDrugMart.
MargarethadthatinternshipthinginSalem,Mass.
,andIsabelwasgoinghometoCharlottetorecoopforawhile.
Beccawasheadedforsomewomen'sco-opinAustin.
Lay-leehadmedschool;Serenahadherboyfriend;andKatehadajoblinedupinconsulting,thoughnoneofuscouldimaginewhatKatecouldpossiblybequaliedtoconsultabout,orin,orfor,orwhoonearthwasgoingtopayfortheconsultofawomanwhosprinkledgarbanzobeansonherbreakfastcerealandlockedher-selfoutofherownhouseonadailybasis.
Thepointwas:wehadplacestogo.
Theotherpointwas:somehow,thatdidnotcomfortusintheleast.
Fallsemesterwe'dbeensnugasdwarfs,domesticasthewiveswesworewe'dneverbe.
Therstoneupinthemorningmadecoffee;lastonetobedatnightlockedthedoor.
Wewatched90210asahouseeveryWednesdaynight,telephonedifwe'dhookedupwithsomeoneandwouldn'tbesleepinghome,andbroughtThera-Fluteatraystoeachother'ssickbedslikedotingandde-votednursemaids.
Welovedeachotherandsaidsooften.
Itwasn'tuntilspringthatwebegantounravel.
We'veneveragreedastowhenpreciselyourundoingbegan,andsincewedon'tagreeaboutmuchofanythingnowandaretoofarung(exceptforNinaandClaire,who,lastweheard,werestilltogether,stillinCalifornia)toeventry,weprobablyneverwill.
Somesaidtheexplosionoftheupstairstoilet(onaSundayinJanuarywhentheMinnesotatemperaturedroppedtothirtybe-lowandourlandlordwasvacationinginWestPalmBeach)proph-esiedwhatwastocome.
OthersblamedElvis,Serena'sboyfriendandsuspectedminionofSatan,whostayedforsixweeksthatwin-ter,spentthemostexpensivedaytimehoursonthephonelongdistancetonumbershe'dlaterclaimnottorecognize,andlefttoastcrumbsinthemargarine.
Bigclotsofjam,too.
WemighthaveblameditonthebadkarmageneratedbyeightMacintoshClassicsinonehouse,orbytheeightlargelyunread-abletheseswewereplunkingoutonthematallhoursofthedayandnight.
Ourparentssaidwewereprobablyjustreadytomoveontothenextstagesofourlives,andourtherapistsearnestly132819Walnutvalidatedouranxiety.
Anyhalf-bakedsociologistwouldtellyouitwasamiraclewehadn'tclawedeachother'seyesoutmonthsearlier.
Lookatdivorcerates.
Therewereeightofus.
Youdothemath.
Still,ittookusbysurprise.
Wethoughtwewerepreparedforanything.
Wecommunicated.
Weprocessed.
Wehadajobwheel,andquiethours,andhousemeetingseverySundaymorn-ingwhichwe'dswornwe'dnevereverevermiss,nomatterhowlatewe'dbeenoutSaturdaynightattheblacklight/uores-centbodypaint/nofeedingyourself/marshmallowuffparty.
Nomatterwhoweleftsleepinginourbedsupstairsorintheirownacrosstown.
Neithersleet,norsnow,norfreakhailstormwouldpreventusfromconveningaroundthatkitchentabletodiscussandcometoconsensusaboutthesmallissuesthataroseinthedailylivesofeightwomencohabitingunderoneratheran-cientandnotthoroughlyraintightroof.
TocelebratethatFebruary'smostobnoxiousofHallmarkholi-daysweplannedtodrivetoawomen-onlyclubinMinneapolis.
Wewantedtodance,togetdoneupinbustiersandash-your-twatdresses,drinklikefools,dancelikebanshees,andnothavetocontendwiththethrongsofdepraved,datelessmenwho'dsurelybestalkingtheheterobarsthatnightlikepolarbearsinsearchofesh.
SerenaaddressedusatahousemeetingtheSundaybeforethe14th.
"Hey,youguys,"shebegan.
"IthinkIhavetobegoutofthedyke-bar-thing.
Elviswantstogooutfordinner,justthetwoofus,anditisValentine'sDay,so.
.
.
""Elvis!
"Ninasaid,herastonishmentscathinglymelodra-matic.
"ElvisisspringingforawholedinnerfortwoElvis-whose-toenail-clippings-I-just-picked-out-of-the-couchElvis"Ninahadbeguntotakethewhiskersinthesoapdishandcigarettebuttsinthecoffeecupsaspersonalaffronts.
"Checkyourcashdrawers,girls,"Isachimedin.
"Youknow,"Serenabegan,slowanddeliberate,likeshewasghtingaightoffthehandle,"wetalkedaboutthisinitially.
Wesaidwe'dtalkoutmen-in-the-houseissues,insteadofmaking819Walnut133totallyunproductivesnidelittlepassive-aggressivecomments.
IfpeoplearehavingissueswithElvis,woulditbetoomuchtoaskforsomemildlymaturedialogueonthesubject"Therewasadistinctiveroundofsilenceatthetable,everyoneonanintakeofbreath,waitingtoseewho'ddiginrst.
Finally,thequietgottoher,andSerenasaid,"WellThatdidit.
"Wehatehim,"saidIsa,whohadneverbeenknownforhertact.
Serena'scomposurefalteredthere.
She'dexpectedaminilec-tureontheimportanceofall-women'sspaceandrespectforper-sonalproperty(i.
e.
,shampoo,toothpaste,foodinthefridgela-beledDONOTEAT,whichElvishelpedhimselftowithabandon);shewasnotatallpreparedforheronce-consideratehousematestoissueforthwithsuchbrutehonesty.
Hereyesdartedaroundthetableforsomeonetothrowheraline,butwewereallfedupenoughatthatpointthatnoonewasjumpingintoperformanyrescues.
"Welldon'tholdback,"shesaid.
"Noneedforpoliteness.
We'reamongfriendshere,afterall.
"Serenasneeredthatlastbit,adigthatevenforallthedefensemountedatthetableactuallyhurt.
ItwasLayleewhointerceded;thewomanwasdiplomaticdowntoherDNA.
"It'snotaquestionoffriendship,"sheexplained.
"It'sanissueofwhatthishouseissupposedtobeabout.
Sud-denlythere'samanessentiallylivinghere,andasidefromthefactthathe'snotpayingrent,hispresencealtersthechemistryofthehouse.
""He'slivinginmyroom,"Serenasaid,herangeranddisbeliefattheentirescenemounting.
"Andhechipsinwithfood.
He'scooked.
Don'teventrytosayyoudidn'tallpartakequitehappilywhen.
.
.
"Isacutheroff.
"Abatchofpotbrowniesdoesnotasignicantboardcontributionmake.
""OhandIsupposeyoudidn'thaveany.
.
.
"Serenaspatback.
"Fuckoff,"saidIsa.
Serenaglancedaroundthetableoncemore,waitingforsome-onetorestoreordertotheproceedings.
Wemustnothavelookedpromising.
Shesetdownhermugandstoodwithashakybutde-terminedefforttohavethelastword.
"Thisisnotaco-operative,"134819Walnutshesaid.
"Thisisawitchhunt,"andshewalkedawayfromourcircle.
Elviswasgonebyevening.
Anemergencyhousemeetingwascalledformidnight,andby3a.
m.
wewereallintearsandSerenawasadmittingthereliefsheactuallyfeltinhavingElvisgoneandallthewaysinwhichhe'dbeenmanipulativeanduncompro-mising,theabdicationofpowershe'dallowedhimtoengenderinher,theisolationshe'dfeltfromusall.
Sixmonthslatertheyweremarried,butforthatnight,atleast,shewasoneofusagain.
Webaggedclassesthenextmorning,sleptin,wokelate,eyesswollenbutheartsandmindsclear.
MargaretoftheSmallBlad-derwasuprst,asusual,topee,butshehadn'tevendonesoyetwhenshewokeLayleetobearwitness:thetoiletseatwasup.
Itdidn'tstopthere.
We'dpulltheLando'Lakestubfromthefridgeandnditlledwithtoastcrumbs.
ThelongdistancecallstounfamiliarnumbersinNewYork,Albuquerque,andSpring-eld,Mass.
,continuedandwentunclaimed.
WeneveragainachievedacreditbalancewithUSWest.
Also,whenwedidourweeklybigclean-up,whoeverhadSWEEPwouldinevitablyre-portndingpilesofashandstubbed-outCamelsinthelivingroom.
Wethoughtatrst,naturally,thatitwasSerenarelishingafewsecretnuggetsofrevenge,butsheleftforalongweekendinMarchtovisitElvis,whereverhewasspongingupalifebythen,anditallwentrighton:butts,crumbs,toenails,Nina'stoothpastesqueezedfromthetopandgloopedmercilesslyalloverthecap,asifElvishimselfhadneverleftatall.
ItwastowardtheendofFebruarythatKateandIsabelwenttoseethetheaterdepartment'sproductionofMacbethoveratRoarkAuditorium.
SomewhereinthemiddleofActTwo(Duncanwasdeadandsomeonewasbemoaningdrunkenimpotenceinmen),KatefeltIsabel'shand,clammyandwarm,grabherownonthearmrestbetweenthem.
ItwasdarkintheaudienceandKatecouldn'tseeIsa'sfaceallthatwell,buttherewasatwistofanxietyinherwhisper.
"I'mbleeding,"Isahissed.
819Walnut135Katereachedforherbackpackwithherfreehand.
"IprobablyhaveaTampax.
.
.
"Isa'sgriponKate'shandtightened;sheshookherheadno.
"I'mgoing,"Isasaidandbegantoscrambletowardtheaisle,overf-teensetsofknees,wintercoats,stowedshoppingbags,andquiteafewpairsofbootsdrippingsnowmeltslowlydowntheaudito-riumrake.
Katesatstill,half-thinkingthatsheshouldbeagoodfriendandfollowIsaout,exceptshedidn'twanttoleave.
Theplaywasquitegood,chillingreally,andthoughKatehatedtoadmitit,BrianSchwartzwasdoinganexcellentjobasMacbethevenifhehadtotallyblownKateofflastfallandwasnowdatingsomefresh-manhippie-slut.
Katehadkindofbeenlookingforwardtostick-ingaroundafterwardtosaycongratulationsandshowtheKingofScotlandjustwhowasabiggerpersonaboutthewholethingintheend.
Andanyway,Isacouldgetapadorsomethingfromthemachineintheladies'roomifshereallyneededone.
Meanwhile,Isamadeittotheendoftherow,becameapat-patoffeetrunningupthecarpetedaisle,awedgeoflight,thudofdoor,andshewasgone.
Kate'shand,stillonthearmrest,wascold,andsherubbeditwithherotherhand.
Itwaswettothetouch.
Sheheldherhandtowardthelightofthestage.
Thewetness,sheknew,wasblood.
Katescreamed.
Notloud,orlong,butascreamnonetheless.
Andthensheclawedherwayoutoftheeighteenthrow,steppingoverandonanythinginherpath,andtorefromthetheater.
Noonefollowed;theymusthavethoughtherinsane.
Andperhaps,atthatmoment,Katewas.
Onhearingthestoriesandpiecingtogethereventsoftheafter-noonintosomesortofcohesivenarrative,ourrstthoughthadbeen,Whydidn'tKatecheckforIsainthebathroomButthefactwasthatatthatmomentinthetheaterKatewasfullyconvincedthattherewasbloodonherhandandthatitwasthebloodofthemurderedking.
Kateracedfromthebuildingoutintothesnow,herjacketandbagandfavoritegreenscarfforgottenatherseat.
Thematineelightoutsidewasgrayandsoft,theairlikevaporizedice,justper-meableenoughtoallowpassageandsocoldKatecouldhearthecrackleoficiclelamentssplinteringinherwake.
Sheranstraight136819Walnuthome,herhandwieldedhighaboveherheadlikeatorchinthevictorylapofsomeextremistwinterOlympicrelay.
At819hervoicebrokethestudy-silenceliketheday's-nalschoolbell.
"ISABEL!
"shescreamed.
"ISABEL!
"Thescenewasstraightfromalowbudgethorrorick:Katestandingintheopendoorway,shaking,herwind-burnedfacestreakedwithnear-frozentears,chokedcriesrattlinginherthroat.
Shesplayedherhandsbeforeherandstaredatthemliketheywerethemosthor-rible,inhumanthingsshe'deverseen.
Theywereredwithcold,tremblingterribly,andKateturnedthemoverandover,search-ingforsomethinglost.
Thentheydroppedtohersides.
Herter-rorwaspalpable.
"ISABEL!
"shecried.
"ISABEL!
"Isabelhad,ofcourse,beenintherestroomatRoarkAudito-riumtryingtowrestleaMaxi-padoutofawall-mountedma-chinecirca1950andhademergedtondtheperformanceinter-rupted,acampuspolicecar—lightsashing—parkedoutfront,andtwooverweightsecurityguardsllingoutanincidentreportaboutsomegirlwho'dapparentlyjustfreakedoutinthemiddleoftheplay.
Itwaskindofamobscene,andIsahatedcrowds.
TotryandndKatewouldhavebeenanexerciseinfutility,soshedidn'teventry,justheadedforhome,abitrelieved,inallhonesty,forshereallydidloatheShakespeareandwasawholelothap-piertospendtheafternooncatchinguponhersleepthansittingthroughveactsofaplayshe'dalreadyreadandknewhowitwouldturnout.
Isaarrivedbackat819afewminutesbehindKate.
Sheneverdidgetinthatnap.
KatespentthreenightsatGraceMemorialintownandanotherweekwithherfolksinMilwaukeebeforeshecamebackto819,convinced,asweallwere,bydoctorsandbyeachotherthatKateA)wasundertremendousstressformulatingherthesisincom-parativetranslationsofthepoetryofRainerMariaRilke;B)wasnotgettingenoughsleep;C)hadbeendrinkingfartoomuchcoffee;andD)haddevelopedarelativelyseriousanemiafromthreesemestersofeatinginavegetarianco-opwithalotofhip-pieswhoweremostlytoostonedtolightaburneronthestove,letaloneplanandcookbalancedlacto-ovomealsforamember-819Walnut137shipofeighty-ve.
Also,thetheaterhadbeenhot,thedramain-tense,andKatehadswallowedfourgenericdecongestantswithadoubleespressonottwentyminutesbeforethecurtainhadgoneuponShakespeare'sthreeweirdsisters.
Katereturnedtousbymid-Marchandwasbacktoherselfinnotime.
ThehousematewhoseemedmostaffectedbytheScot-tishIncident,aswecametocallKate'sbriefsojournintomad-ness,wasIsabel,whohadalwaysbeensomewhatneuroticabouthersleepbutnowbecamecompletelyobsessedwithgettingtheproperamountofrest.
Sherstonlynappedintheafternoons,then,whenevershewasinthehouse.
Sheworeearplugsandasleepmaskandplayedatapeofwhitenoiseinthebackground.
Itwasmaniacal,asifshebelievedthatthelossofonevitalmomentofREMtimewouldsendherrightoverthesameedgeasKate.
Theirfriendship,weallagreed,wasneverthesameagain;theyjustcouldn'tseemtorelatetoeachotheranymore.
ItwasatimethatmadeKategetall"CarpeDiem!
"aboutthings,butIsasaiditalljustmadehertired,andsheshutherdoorandwentbacktosleep.
Clairewastheonlyvirginamongus,butitwasnotbyvir-tueofvirtue,orbywillfulabstinence,oranyconventionalguessyoumightmake.
Shewascuteasabutton,brightasabulb,andthemosttalentedglass-blowertogracethecollege'sartdepart-mentinftyyears.
Thededicationshelenttohercraftwasfero-cious,andthoughshehadvagueinterestsandirtationshereandthere,Clairewasattheartstudiosomanyhoursadayitwasclearwhereherlife'sprioritieslay.
SexwasthesortofthingClairewasn'tparticularlyconcernedwith.
Itwouldhappensomeday,shedidn'tdoubt,anduntilthenshesimplyhadbetterthingstothinkaboutthanwhomightwanther,andwhoshemightwant,andothermajortime-suckingthoughtsthatoccupiedtheheartsandmindsofeveryotherpersonweknew.
Claire'swastheonlyatticroomin819,situatedabovethemainstaircase,notdirectlyborderedbyanyotherrooms.
Itmighthavebeenlonely,butearlyonwe'dallissuedopeninvitationstoclimbintoeachother'sbeds(exceptIsa,whohadthatpossessivethingabouthersleep)ifthenightgotcold,orlong,orfrightening.
Wewerehappilyaccustomedtowakinginthedarktothecreakofourdoorsandthewhisperofsock-footedstepsacrossthebarewood138819Walnutoor,soitwaswithoutsurprise,onenighttowardtheendofMarch,thatClairescootchedoverandfumbledtondanopeninginhercoverswhenBeccaappearedattheedgeofthefuton,herowncomfortercapedaroundhershoulders.
Theheatin819didn'tclankonuntilveorso,andClaire'sroomwasexposedonallsidesandparticularlypoorlyinsulated.
Shesleptunderaquilt,twowoolcampblankets,anafghan,andanunzipperedNorthFacebagthatwassupposedtobegoodtotwenty-vebelow,butshewasstillalwaysgladforanywarmbody,especiallyonebearingextrablankets.
Itmayhavebeenthecold.
Orthedeliriumofexhaustion.
Pos-sibly,simplythephysicalmanifestationofsexualdesire,whichhadbeenlatentinClaireforfartoolongandhadtohavebeenheadedforsomesortofultimaterelease.
Andthen,itmayhavebeensomethingfarmoremysterious,assuchmattersoftenare.
Theexactcircumstancewemayneverknow,butwhatisclearisthatClairemadelovethatnight,intheatticdark,forthersttimeinhertwenty-oneyears.
BeccawasgonewhenClairewokeinthemorning.
Normally,thiswouldnothavesurprisedher—anearlyclass,abreakfastmeeting—butunderthecircumstancesshe'dexpectedsome-thing—agood-byemaybe.
Thisirkedherrightoffthebat,andshethoughtthatifwhatsexdidwasmakeyouwantridiculousthingslikemorningkissesandsweetstagedfarewellsfrompeoplewhosevagueandindeterminatebehaviorhadneverbeforeevokedyournotice,letaloneyourdisdain,thensexwassomethingshe'dbeenquitejudiciousinavoiding.
Thisthoughtgrewevermoredistressingwhenlaterthatday,andintheweekstocome,BeccawouldtreatClaireasifnothinghadhappenedatall.
Sinceaccord-ingtoBecca,ithadn't.
Andsoforthenextmonth,whileBeccagallivantedaboutinherusuallifepayingnomoreandnolessandnoqualitativelydif-ferentattentiontoClairethansheeverhad,insideClairewassmoldering.
SheneverconfrontedBeccadirectly,andshetoldnooneelseuntilshejustcouldn'tstanditanymoreandconfessedthewholethingtoNina,who'dbeenBecca'sroommatefortwoyearsandknewheragooddealbetterthantherestofusdid.
Nina,alsopeevedwithBecca(forthingscompletelyunrelated),wasthrilledtohavesomeonetoventwith,andthusClaireandNina,who819Walnut139hadn'treallyknowneachotheratallwhenwemovedinto819,becamesuddenlyandstubbornlyinseparable.
Andthen,whenthewholethingwiththegarbagecansstarted,ClaireandNinaman-agedtoconvincethemselvesthatBeccawassomehowresponsible.
Therestofussimplyguredraccoons,anunderstandableex-planationastowhythebackporchtrashcansweregettingtippedoverandlootedatnight,garbagestrewnacrossouralreadyscabbyyard.
Themesswasnotasbadasyoumightexpectsincewecom-postedallorganicmatterandtherewasnothinggrossorgoopyormoldingwaitingtobecartedawaybytheDepartmentofSanita-tion.
Everydaywerepackedthetrashandweightedthelidswithbricksandstones.
Tonoavail.
Thenightbanditswouldnotbedeterred.
Raccoonsweredevious,weknew,butthisquestionre-mained:whywouldaraccoonransacknightlyagarbagecaninwhichitfoundnothingtoeatwhennottenyardsawaysataheapofcoffeegrindsandcarrotpeelsthathadbeendecomposingforsevenmonthsandgotreplenishedwithfreshtoppingsdailyTheotherweirdthing:nooneeverheardanoise.
Eighthousemates,fouraluminumtrashcans,thinwalls,andrampantstress-inducedinsomnia.
Weaskyou.
Whatrousedusinthemorningswasnotthescurryofraccoonsbuttheclanksandpissed-offclunksofNinaassherightedthecansonherwayouttoT'aiChi,replacingthelidswithaferocitythatseemedtonecessitatehersubsequenthourofsilentmeditation.
ThiswasalsoaboutthetimethatLaylee'smedschoolapplica-tionresponsesstartedappearinginthemailbox.
Layleehadbeentheoneofusyoudidn'tworryabout;successhadstampedherasclearlyasthefrecklesonherface.
Shehadsuitorsupthewazoo:lithe,long-muscledboyswhocourtedherasardentlyasthemed-icalschoolsfromacrossthecountrywhohadlledourmailboxallfallwiththickbrochuresofLaylee'sfull-colorfuture.
ButLay-leewasunwaveringinherheart'sdevotions:toNick(herhighschoolsweetie)andtoHarvard,wheresheandNickwantedtoen-rollinmedicalschooltogetherthefollowingfall.
LayleeandNickwereofthatbreedwhoseemedtodefyassumptionsofhumanfallibility:theyworkedlikedemons,succeededateverythingtheyundertook,andhadanever-presentglowofphysicalexertionandsheerpleasurewhich,wedecided,seemedtootherwiseonlyafictthatsegmentofthepopulationwhoactedinTVcommercialsfor140819Walnutvitaminsupplements,toothpaste,andoorcleaner.
Butperhapsmostimportantly,Layleewasasweetheart,sowelllikedandwellrespectedandsheepishlyhumblethatnoonewhoknewherbe-grudgedherathingshe'dearned.
Itfeltalmostlikeablowtousall—abafing,undercutting,rattlingblow—whenthosethinletterspostmarkedfromCam-bridgeandNewHaven,IthacaandPaloAltoarrivedinthemail.
Oneaftertheother:Weregrettoinform.
.
.
Aftercarefulconsid-eration.
.
.
Duetotheoverwhelming.
.
.
Layleewalkedaroundcampusfordayssofreakedshelookedlikeshehadanalienseedpodabouttoeruptfromthesideofherface.
Thewomanhadneverknowndefeat,andaslikelyasHarvardhadseemedjustweeksbefore,itnowseemedjustaslikelythatwe'dcomehomeoneafternoontondherinabathtubfullofblood,wristsslitopenwiththeprecisionofthesurgeonshemighthavebecome.
OnthelastFridayeveninginApril,twoweekstothedaybeforeourthesesweredue,Beccawasinthekitchenchoppingonionsforaquichewhenshecuthernger.
Itwasdeep,andtherewasplentyofblood.
WedebatedbringingherovertotheemergencyroomatGraceMemorial,thendecidedwewerebeingalarmist,butwounduphavingtowrapitingauzeandmaskingtape,because,asitturnedout,IsahadnotveminutesbeforeusedthelastoftheBand-aidstendingtothechunkshe'dhackedoutofhershinwhileshavinginthedownstairsshower.
Meanwhile,Katehadbeeninherroomstickingsectionsofherthesistothewallsfora"differentperspective"whenshesteppedonadroppedthumbtack,whichwentstraightintoherfootallthewayuptothelittleyellowplasticnub.
Inallthedrama,Ninanearlyforgotaboutthetwoloavesofbreadshe'dstuckintheovenanhourbefore.
Shedashedouttothekitchen,grabbedapot-holderfromitshook,yankedopentheovendoor,andreachedforthetopmetalrackthatheldthebreadpans.
Weheardthecom-motionfromthebathroom,wherewewerepatchingupKate'sfoot—crashesoftinandceramic,Ninahollering"Fuck!
Fuck!
Fuck!
"thewatercomingon,Ninashoutingoveritall"Someonegetmethegoddamnbakingsoda!
"Wecameracingdownthe819Walnut141hall.
Margaretmadeapoultice.
Layleebentdownandretrievedthepotholderwhereithadfallen.
"Ihadthegoddamnfuckingpotholder!
Ifuckinggrabbedtherackwiththefuckingotherhand!
"Ninawassobbing,reallyshaken,andweconrmedlaterthatitwasthersttimemostofushadeverseenNinacry(asidefromBecca,who'dbeenherfreshmanroommateandhadseenNinathroughalotmorethananyofushadeverconsidered).
Clairecamehomeearlyfromthestudio,herlowerlipsliced,swollen,andstillgrowing.
"Glass,"shesaid.
"Occupationalhaz-ard"andretreatedtoherattic.
AtelevenorsoSerenacamebackfromhavingdrinkswithsomefriendsattheCollegeInn.
Sheheldhermouthopen,tonguestickingoutratherghoulishly,unabletospeakclearlyenoughforustounderstandwhathadhappened.
Finallyshewroteitoutonthetelephonemessagepad:"Slicedtongueonicecubeinwhiskeysour.
"Wenodded,ourfaceswinchedinvicariouspain,asifwetoowereincapableofcoherentspeech.
"Maybeweshoulddosomething"Margaretsuggested,blow-ingherbangsoffherforeheadlikeshe'djustnallyhadallthespookinessshewaswillingtotake.
Kate,whosetrystwithinsanitywasaffordingherabluntsortoflicensetoforgothetouchy-feelyandheadstraightforthejug-ular,lookedatMargaretasifshe'djustsuggestedwestepoutforabriskstrolltoclearourheads.
"Wellnowthere'sanidea,Margie!
"shesaid.
MargieashedKatethephoniestlittlefuck-yousmirkshe'dprobablyevermusteredandthenclosedhereyesforasecondbeforebeginningagainasiftheexchangewithKatehadsimplynevertakenplace.
"Iaminnowaysuggesting,"Margiesaid,"thatwhat'sgoingonhereisn'tquitereal,butIthinkwemaybeneedtoquestiontheoriginofthatreality.
""Godlovethereligionmajor!
"Serenahooted,thenedgedclosertoKate.
"Whatthefuckareyoutalkingabout,Margie"Withherinjuredtongueshewashardtounderstand,butthetoneandsentimentwereclear.
Margiewasgettingsupremelyfedupwiththeutterlackofco-hesiveenergyinthegroup.
"Ithinkthatifwetriedtocometo-getheralittle,tounifyourforces,we'dfeelalotmoreempowered142819Walnuttofacewhateveritisthat'sgoingonhere.
Anythingthattriestobreakusdownknowsthatwe'llonlyfailifwe'reindiscord.
We'relettingourselvesturnagainsteachother.
We'reactingoutthede-structiononourown.
""Mom.
.
.
"Katecackled,"they'rehere.
.
.
"Serenacrackedupandwaitedfortherestofustodothesame,butnoonedid.
Thatmadeitworse.
MadeKate'swordsactuallyscaryandmadeMargie'scalltounityevenmoreimperative.
SinceLaylee—curledontheoorbytheovenlikeshewasthinkingaboutcrawlinginandturningupthegas—wasunabletoassumehernaturalroleofdiplomat,Beccatriedtointercede.
"Thisisn'taStevenKingnovel,"shedeclaredbutwasthenatalossforany-thingmoretocontribute.
"ButitcouldbejustasinterestingtolookatunderaLacanianlens,don'tyouthink"Isaadded,thoughhercomicwitwasn'tquiteuptosnuff.
"I'mnottalkingaboutholdingafuckingseance,"Margiecutin.
"I'mtalkingaboutagoddamnhousemeeting.
Let'satleastagreetotalksomeofthisshitthrough.
We'repittingagainsteachotherandIthinkweneedtoaskwhy.
We'rehousematesforan-othermonth,andyoumightbehalfwaytoOzinyourhead,orwherever,butyou'renot,OKWe'reallhereforanotherfourweeks,andIdon'tpresumetospeakforanyoneelse,butIdamnwellplanongraduating,andinordertodosoIhavetonishmythesis,whichI'msimplynotgoingtobeabletodoiftheenergyinthehousestaysasnegativeasitisrightnowandwedon'tad-dresstheanimositythathasmadeitswayintoourhome.
"Itwasquiteamovingspeech,Margie'svoicestartingtobreakattheendasthethesis-panicsurmountedallotherpresentformsoffear.
Nina,who'dbeensilentlynursingherburnedpalm,spokeforthersttime.
"Margiehasapoint,"shesaid,hereyesstillbloatedwithtears.
Shecollectedherself.
"Iproposeanemergencyhousemeeting.
"Serenalookedlikeshewasgoingtolosehershit.
"No!
"shecried.
"Justno!
Canwedonothinginthishousewithoutholdingagoddamnhousemeetingrst"ShehadconvictionandthecondencethatKatewasbehindher,andmaybeIsatoo.
ButKateletherdown,turnedrighttoMargieandsaid,likeit819Walnut143wasanapology,"Isecondtheproposal.
Ifweabandonourprin-cipleswhenwehitacrisispoint,whatarewesayingaboutthefunctionalityoftheco-operativeinmodernsociety"Serenarolledhereyes.
"Let'sdoit,"Beccasaid,turningonthefaucetandreachingforthekettle.
"Anyonewanttea"WelookedtoSerenathen:ifshesaidtheword,preparationswouldbeunderway.
Theroomwasstillforamoment,justthesoundofwaterrushingintothetin-bottomteapot,likearain-stormcomingcloserandclosertohome.
"Youfuckinghippies!
"Serenacried.
Shestormedacrossthekitchen,ungopenacabinet,andgrabbedtherstboxofteashegotherhandon:MorningThunder.
Thenshehuntedaroundforamug,foundnoneclean,andturnedtousagain.
"Cannooneevenwashagoddamndisharoundhereanymore"shesaid,andweknewshewaswithus.
Itwaslikethestarter'sgun,andwescattered.
"Fiveminutes,"MargiecalledonherwayupthestairstofetchClairefromtheattic.
Thensuddenlythekitchenwasemptyagain,exceptforLaylee,whostoodupslowlyfromhercatatoniccurlbythestoveandstartedtowashthedirtydishes.
Afewminuteslater,sixofusreassembledaroundthetable,wecouldhearClaireandMargaretpaddingdownthebackstairs,andthenClaireappearedinthekitchenatthefootofthestaircase.
Shelookedback,asiftosaysomethingtoMargie,anditwaslikeslowmotionthen:ayelp,asuddencry,athunderouscrash,wewatchedClaire'sexpressiongofromplacidtoterriedlikesomesortoftime-lapsesequence.
That'swhenMargieburstintotheframe,barrelingfeet-rstdowntheentireightofstepsstraightatClaire,whointhespaceofablinksimplybentdownandcaughtMargieattheendoftheight,likeamomscoopingherkidfromthedepositingtongueofaplaygroundslide.
WerosefromourchairslikeonehugebeingandrushedatClaireandMargie,whowerefrozenthereatthebaseofthestairslikeaMadonnaandChild.
Margieletoutalittlechuckle,aglancebehindherasiftosaytothestairsnowwhatdidIeverdotoyouandwecouldseeshewasatleastthatOK.
Thenwewereallbusi-ness:Beccapulledthreebagsoffrozenpeasfromtheiceboxandslammedthemagainstthetabletobreakuptheclumps.
Claire144819WalnutandSerenahelpedMargietothetable,whichIsaclearedofdishesandsnacks,andtheygotherlaidoutthereonherstomach,liftingherT-shirtsoBeccacouldplacethosethreeicepacksontheweltthathadprettymuchgottenMargiefromtailbonetoshoulderblade.
Otherwise,sheseemedOK.
Therestofuswereglassy-eyedwithfright.
Margie'swasthelastbloodtospill,andwestoodtheregapingathersprawledacrossthekitchentable,threeJollyGreenGiantssmilingupatus.
Wewerelikeabatteredwomen'sgroupwithallourbustedlipsandbandagedwounds.
Andinthewakeofeverything,weweredumbfounded,whichwasabso-lutelyidiotic,weknew,butwehadn'twantedtoadmitthatany-thingmightbetrulywrong.
Wewerestupidanddisbelieving,likeminiseriesvictims,shockedeverytimethedrunkensadistasshole-of-a-husbandstartsslappingtheleatherhideofhisbeltexpectantlyintohispalm.
ItwasNinawhosefearturnedtoangerrst.
Shelookedaroundthekitchenandhereyeslitonthedoorthatledouttothebackporch.
Sheippedthedeadboltandungitopen.
Therewerethetrashcans:ontheirsides,spillingJ.
Crewcatalogs,campusmail-ings,squigglesofSaranWrap,andlittlewhiteKleenexowersfromtheirmouthslikecornucopiasofrefuse.
Ninastoodinthedoorwayforamomentlikeadiver,poised.
Andthenitwaslikeeverythingjustcameyingoutofher,allthosemonthsoftrashandpainandghtingandrejectionandunspoken,unthinkablere-sentments,likeithadallcollectedsomewhereinthepitofNina'sbodyandwhensheopenedhermouthitjustheavedforward,surgedlikelava,liquidandlethal,inascreamsogrotesqueitshouldhavewakenedtheentirelittleMinnesotatown.
Everyres-identwithintenblocksofWalnutshouldhavebeenonthephonetothepolicetoreportmurders,slaughters,crimesagainsthu-manity,demonsrisingfromtherichmidwesternsoil.
Buttheydidn't.
Notalightwenton.
Nota911wasdialed.
Out-sideof819,nooneheardathing.
Wedon'tknowwhomovedrstorhowweknewtodowhatwedid;wesimplyknew.
TherewasNina,wailingoutthedoor-wayintothedeafandpeacefulnight,andwescatteredfromourkitchenclusterlikepoolballsonthebreak,allexceptMargie,whomweleftface-downonthekitchentable.
Clairethrewopenthethreeworkingkitchenwindows,then819Walnut145grabbedarollingpinfromthedrawer,wrappedherhandinadishtowelandsmashedouttheglassofthefourth,whichhadbeenjammedshutsincewe'darrivedeightmonthsbefore.
Isabelrantothelivingroom,wheresheraisedthewindowsshecouldandhurledtextbooksthroughtheglassoftheonestoohighaboveherheadtoreach.
Katewashoppingfrombedroomtobedroomonheronegoodfoot,ingingwindowsopenasifwe'dgottenwordofanimminenttornado.
Beccadashedupstairstodothesame,whileLayleetoredownthehallwithmorevitalitythanshe'dexhibitedinweeks.
Shethrewopenthefrontdoor,theonethatopenedontoWalnut,stoodunderthetransomfacingoutintothatworldbeyondourcursedandbelovedporch,andwithapierced,bleedingharmonyallherown,shejoinedNina'shorriblecry.
Serenasprangthedownstairsbathroomwindows,thenranto-wardadooratthebaseofthebackstairwaythat,haditfunc-tioned,wouldhaveopenedontotheneighbors'yard,butitwasboltedoff,itsseamspaintedshutsomanytimesoversomanyyearsandrenovationsthatitwashardtoevendiscerntheoutlineonthewall.
NotevenSerenaknowshowshemanagedtobreakdownthatthirdandlastdoor,butsecondslatershewasthrough,facingoutsideintotheyardof817,akesofpaintshoweringdownoverherasshetookabreath—ifit'smylast,shethought,sobeit—andlentherterriblescreamtothevoicesshatteringthesky.
Morningcame,everydoorandwindowungwide,aerceAprilwindhowlingthroughourhome.
Wehave,ofcourse,spentmuchtimesinceinreconstructionandrecalloftheeventsofthatnightandthemonthsthatprecededit,buttothisday,asfarasweknow,notoneofuscanrememberthequiet.
Thereweretwenty-twoyearsofourdailylives,thentherewastheweirdness,thenthescream,andthentherewasnothing.
Blank.
Nothing.
AndthenweawoketodaylightonaSaturdaymorningtowardtheendofAprilinasmallMinnesotacollegetown.
Wedonotknowwhatwentonduringthehoursinbetween,weonlyknowthatmomentwhenweopenedoureyesandsquintedintothesunlight.
Serenawascoveredinplaster,beneaththepicnictableacrosstheyardat146819Walnut817.
Layleewascurledonthefrontporchbetweenthearmchairandthedead,pottedspiderplant.
Beccafoundherselfintheup-stairsbathtub,whichhadnotbeenusedsincetheplumbingdis-astervemonthsbefore.
KatewasupstairsinBecca'sbed,Isadownstairsinherown.
ClaireandNinawereonClaire'sfutonintheattic,nakedandsalty,driedinsweat,entwinedinonean-other'sarmsinanembracecomplexenoughtolastalifetime.
AndMargaretlayonherstomachinapooloficywater,threebagsofsquishypeasstrewnbesideheronthekitchentable.
Shewaswet,andcold,andhadtopeelikecrazy.
Shegotupandmadeherway,crampedandtentative,tothedownstairsbathroom,wearingnothingbutapairofboxershorts,soakedthroughandclingingtoherthighs.
InthebathroomMargiecaughtaglimpseofher-self,overhershoulder,inthevanitymirror.
Shelookedagain,thencranedaroundtoseeforsure.
Itwastrue:theskinonherbackwasunblemished.
Asifnothinghadeverhappenedatall.
Thingsgotquiet.
Twoweeksofkeyboardstapping,coffeeper-colating,bucketsandsouppotssituatedstrategicallythroughoutthehousetocatchtheplink-plinkingdripsthatfellfromtheever-leakyroof,whichhadn'ttakenkindlytotheyear'snalthaw.
Laylee'soutragedandwell-connectedprofessorsstartedpullingstrings,and,followingalotofphonecallsandalotofwaiting,herfutureonceagainbegantoassumeashapeshecouldunderstand.
AsforClaireandNina,itwasnothingshortofamiraclethattheynishedtheirtheses,sostunnedweretheybyeachother.
Theywereecstatic.
Wewereecstaticforthem.
Andenvious,alittlebit,too.
Theywereleavingwithsomething.
Withsomeone.
Theirworldsontheoutsidewouldstartoutwithapopulationgreaterthanone.
Soyes,forthat,someofuswerealittlejealous.
And,ofcourse,SerenahadElvis,BeccahadAustin,Katehadconsulting,andMargarethadthatSaleminternshipwhichnoneofuscouldeverseemtorememberbyname.
AndIsabelguredshe'djustheadbackhomeforawhile,chillout,getcaughtuponherrest.
Maybestarttryingtothinkaboutwhatongod'sgreenandoverwhelmingearthshemightpossiblydecidetodowiththerestofherlife.
819Walnut147AccidentalLoveSteffenandIhadadanceweperformedritu-allyonmountaintopswearingourhugeframepacks:asomewhatweightedpasdedeux.
It'samazing,thefeelingwhenyoutakeyourpackoffafterthat;youfeelsolight,likeyoucouldjustleapovertothenextpeakontheridge.
We'dlieontopofourpacksinthesun,eatingpeanutbutterfromsqueezetubeswithourn-gers,feelingthewinddrythesweatfromourT-shirts.
SteffenandItalkedonthephoneatleastonceeveryweekthisfall:heinthecrampedtelephoneroomofhisfreshmandormatcollege,meathomeinNewYork,myfolkswatchingMasterpieceTheaterinthenextroom.
Heoftendescribedhisphoneboothtome,theoorcoveredintobaccospit.
Theyweren'tallowedtosmokein148thedorm,soeveryonechewedtobaccoinstead,includingSteff,althoughheinsistedthathealwaysspatintoacuporanemptysodacan.
Whenwetalked,Icouldnotpicturehimthere.
IlikedtothinkofhimontopofamountaininnorthernWyomingwithasmudgeofSkippyonhislip.
ThersttimeIsawSteffenhewassittingagainstatreeonanorangeTherma-Restsleepingpad.
Hetoldmehe'dinsistedonanextra-long.
Hewas62,157pounds,andveryconcernedaboutsleepingcomfortablyduringthesixweeksweweretospendbackpackingthroughYellowstoneonWildernessAdventuresforTeens.
Thetriphadbeenahigh-schoolgraduationgifttohimfromhismom,Lynn.
SteffensaidLynnwishedshewereeighteenagainbecauseshereallywantedtogoherself.
Stefftoldmethathehadbeensomewhatlessthanthrilledwiththewholething,butithadlookedbetterthananothersummerworkingmainte-nancecrewatthesmallMainecollegewhereLynntaughtmath-ematics,sohe'dconcededtothetrip.
IhadapurpleTherma-Rest(ultralight,three-quarterlength),onemoreyearofhighschoolleftattheConventoftheSacredHeart,andparentswhoweredesperateforanotherrusetogetmeoutofNewYorkCityforanotherhotJuly.
IhavestudieddramaandweavinginOxford,bikedacrossNovaScotia,andgonetoPeaceCampinPoland.
MyfatherassureshimselfthatIwillappearwellroundedonmycol-legeapplications.
ThistripuptoMaineisostensiblyacollegevisit,butreallyit'sachancetoseeSteff,whoishomeonChristmasbreak.
He'soutatthemarket,pickinguplobstersfordinner,soitwasLynnwhogreetedmeatthedoorabouttenminutesagowhenIarrivedwithabackpackfullnotofraingear,gorp,andsternogasbutofcollegecatalogsandinterviewclothes.
AndabasketofseashellsoapsmymothershovedatmeasIwasleavingthehousetogivetoLynnasathank-you-for-having-mepresent.
I'venevermetLynnbefore,butfromallSteff'sstoriesIkindoffeellikeIhave.
"IwasjustgoingtomakemyselfacupofLapsangsouchong,"Lynnsays,shufingtowardthestove.
HerfrayingOrientalslip-perswhiskagainstthelinoleum.
"It'smylatestpassion,"shecon-AccidentalLove149des.
"Wouldyoucaretojoinme"Thestoveticksimpatiently,andnallyaameignitesunderthekettle.
Iassumeshe'stalkingaboutsomesortofteaandsay,"That'dbegreat.
"LynngetstwomugsfromacabinetandsetsthemdownonthecounternexttoanopenbagofRufespotatochips.
Iamleaningagainstthefridge,andLynnsays,"Grabthemilkoutofthere,Lilith,wouldyouDoyoutakemilk""Sure,"Ianswer,notcertainastowhichquestionI'man-swering,andturntoopenthefridge.
Stucktothedoorwithastrawberry-shapedmagnetisapictureofSteffinatoo-tightsuit,tryingonhisolderbrother'sgraduationcapandgrinning,bracesgleaminginthesun.
WhenGeordiewentofftocollegeSteffstillhadayearleftofhighschool,ayearaloneinthehouseinMainewithLynn.
Itwashell,hesaid,hell.
Lynnhadhopedtheboyswouldstayintownforcollege,butGeordiewentaway,andStefffollowedayearlater.
Steffcomeshomeforbreaks.
Geordiedoesn't.
Onthefridgenexttothephotoisashoppinglisttornoutofapad"FromthedeskofGEORDIE":wasabread,2%cot-tagecheese,greenpeppers(2),pinesol—mountainfresh,eggs,bourbon.
AtthebottomSteffhasscratchedin:frozenburri-tos,SNACKS!
,briecheese,andFOOD.
I'dknowhishandwritinganywhere.
AsItugopentherefrigeratordoorIhearayelpfromacrosstheroom.
AlargegoldenretrieverlumbersupfromitswaterdishinthecornerandIstepback,afraiditwillcomeandsniffatmycrotch.
Lynnstopsthedog,anditnuzzlesherknee.
"Sally,"shesaysinsuchapersonaltonethatIlookaroundtheroomtoseeifthere'sanyonetherebesidesusandthedog.
"Sally,thisisLilith.
"It'sasthoughshe'sintroducingcolleaguesatacock-tailparty:"Sally,Lilith.
Lilith,Sally.
"Thedogseemstonodpo-litelyinmydirection,andIkneeldowntoher.
"HiSally,"Isay.
"It'sgoodtomeetyou.
""It'sgoodtomeetyoutoo,Lilith,"LynnsaysinsuchawaythatIdon'tknowifshe'sspeakingforherselforforSally,soIjustsmile.
Lynnsmilesback,andthenwestandtheresmilingforawhileuntilthekettlenallywhistlesandLynnhastogopourthetea.
150AccidentalLoveLapsangsouchongtasteslikehotwaterthat'shadaham-bonesoakinginitforaboutthreemonths.
WhenSteffennallyre-turnshome,myundrunkmugisdeadcoldandLynnhasmovedontowine,because,shesays,there'snobourboninthehouse.
Sallyperksup,andIjumpoutofmychairwhenwehearSteffen'skeysoutside.
Idashforthedoor;LynnandSallysaunteralongbehind.
ThenSteffstepsinandIrushathim.
Hedropstheplas-ticlobsterbagsathissides,scoopsmeofftheoor,andwhirlsmearound.
WhenIland,westareateachotherforaminute.
Helooksskin-nierthanhedidlastsummer,ifthat'sevenpossible.
Hairalittlelonger,skinalittleworse.
He'snotwearinghisglasses:roundwire-rims.
ThoseglasseshadbeenmyrstattractiontoSteffen.
EveryoneelseonourtripwassportingcheesyRay-Bansandseemedphysicallypainedbytheideaofgivinguphairmousseforsixweeks.
ItwastheschoolteacherglassesthatallowedmetothinktheremightbeatleastonepersonwithwhomImightpossibly,actually,beabletohavearealconversation.
Iwasright.
Wedidn'treallyhangoutwithanyoneelse.
Allsummerwekeptgettinglecturedbythetripleaders,whowantedustotryandminglemore.
Theyalsodecideditwasnecessarytogiveusathor-oughpregnancychat,whichwas,atbest,mortifying.
Weweren'tevenfoolingaround,letalonehavingsex.
WithmeandSteffitwasn't,isn't,likethat.
Sixweeksinthewoodsisdifferentfromsixweeksintown.
It'sintense.
It'sall-consuming.
IfeellikeIknowSteffbetterthananyoneelseintheworld.
Wedon'tjustknowthegoodpartsei-ther,thepartsyoushowtonewfriends.
Iknowwhathe'slikeat4a.
m.
whenhehastopeeandthere'sbeenamosquitomunch-ingonhiseyelidsallnight:he'speevish,whiny,abrupt.
Heknowsme,panickedandirrational,sickfromthealtitude,vomitingRamennoodlesallthewayuptheGrandTeton.
Sixweeksinthewoodsislikelife,encapsulated,andIfeellikeI'veknownSteffallofmine.
Exceptthatnowit'sDecember,notAugust,andthoughthesummerwasalifetime,thetimethat'sgonebysincethenhasbeenpivotal:Steff'srstsemesterofcollege,mysecondtolastofhighschool.
We'vebeenapartnowformuchlongerthanweweretogether,notcountingphonecalls.
AccidentalLove151Imisshisglasses.
Steffenscrewshisfaceupinapuzzledsortofbemusement.
"You'rehere,"hesays,astonished,likeI'vejustmaterializedoutofthinair.
HeturnstoLynn,whoissquattingbythestove,strok-ingSally.
"HiSal.
HiLynn.
"Steffsaystheirnamesasthoughhe'sspeak-ingtooldpeopleataretirementhome:HiGladys.
HiClifford.
You'relookingnetoday.
Distantasdaycare.
Heheftsthetwoplasticbagsbackuptohisshouldersandthenplunksthemdownonthecounter.
"RilMieneLahbsta,"hedrawlsinhismostfa-voriteandmostdreadedimitationofaMainesherman.
I'vesatthroughentireepicsagasofMainerlifetoldthisway.
Inordertoappreciatethefulleffect,Steffsays,you'vegottobehuddledinadeer-piss-stinkingcabinoutinthemiddleofnowhere,swiggingfromabottleofBoone'swine:$1.
29taxincluded.
SuddenlyLynnisupandshovingabottleofwine(notBoone's)andtwoglassesatme.
"I'mtakingcareofdinner,"shesays.
"Youtwogo,go!
"Weareshooedfromthekitchen.
Aswe'rehead-ingtowardthelivingroom,Lynncallsout,"Steffen,takeLilith'sbackpackuptoyourroom,wouldyouLethergetsettled.
"Mycomposurefaltershere:SteffandIaresharingaroom.
It'snotthatIdidn'tthinkwewould,orthatwewouldn'twinduptogethernomatterwherewestartedout.
Lastsummer,bythetimewe'dknowneachothertwodays,wewerespendingthenightsspoonedtogetherinoursleepingbagslikeslugs.
Some-howtheideaofabedconfusesthings.
AfewweeksagoIwasinacabgoingacrosstowntomeetmymomforlunchatherofce.
They'rediggingupCentralParkagain—watermainbreaksandsewageproblems—andeventhecabbiescan'tkeepstraightwhichstreetsareopenandwhichareclosed.
Drivinganywhereinthecityhasbecomeoneofthoseratmazes:youjustkeeptryingdifferentpathsandhittingimpassesuntilyoundtheonepossiblewayofgettingthrough.
Usuallyit'seasiertojustgetoutandwalk,butthatdaywewerestuckinthemiddleofthepark,inthemiddleofatunnel,behindacross-townbus,andtherewasnoescaping.
Mydriver'snamewasSea-152AccidentalLovemus,andwewerediscussing,originally,trafc.
HesaiditwastimeforhimtogetoutofNewYork—"noplaceelselikeit,thankgod.
"Hehadabeautifulwifeandabeautifulbaby,hetoldme,andenoughmoneyputawaytogetthethreeofthemdowntoVirginia,whereanoldfriendofhisownedsomefarmland.
"MyboyfriendgoestoschoolinVirginia,"ItoldSeamus.
Iwasabletorationalizeitlater:Iwastired,Iwasannoyed,Ididn'treallyfeellikehavingawholebigconversation,itwaseasiertosaythatthantogointosomehugeexplanationofthisperson—whoismybestfriendintheworld,whomIlovemorethananybodyelseonthisplanet,whomItalktoeverySundaynightwithallthelightsinmyroomturnedoff,whocarriedaminitaperecorderaroundcampuswithhimonceforawholedaysoIcouldhearwhatitwasliketobeatcollege,whomI'mgoingtomarrywhenI'mseventy-veandhe'sseventy-sixandretiretoaranchinMontanawherewe'llplantbeets,adoptasonnamedHuckleberry,andwatchthesunsetfromthebackporcheverynightuntilwedie—whogoestoschoolinVirginia.
Thefactofitwasinescapable,though:I'dcalledSteffenmyboyfriend.
Inthefarcornerofthelivingroomthere'saChristmastreewithlittlebluebulbsmadetolookliketinycandles.
Underneath,onabedoffake,eecysnow,LynnandSteffen'sgiftstoeachotherarelaidoutexpectantly.
Thesquatpairoflittlepackageswrappedinsilveryfoilarethetomato-shapedsaltandpeppershakerswhichSteffdescribedtomeoverthephoneafterhefoundthematthePortlandMall.
HealreadyknowswhatLynn'sgivinghim:astackofbooksontheVietnamWar.
He'dtakenacourseonitthatsemester.
AcoupleofthebookshadactuallybeenonSteff'ssyllabus,hesaid,buthehadn'treadthem.
ItwouldjustbethetwoofthematChristmas:SteffandLynn.
GeordiehadgonetoSantaFe,totheirfather'shouseinaZencolony.
BillyStrandretreatedtheretwelveyearsago,lefthiswifeupinMainetodealwithasixyearold,asevenyearold,baby-sitters,boxershorts,andbaseballcards.
Idon'tknowalotmorethanthat.
Stef-fendoesn'tliketotalkmuchabouthisfather.
AccidentalLove153"It'sbeenunbearable,"Steffsays,wellintohisthirdglassofChablis.
"Therstfewdaysweredecent:Ishoveledthesnow,Iwenttothewoods,Ichoppeddownthetree.
Wespenthourstry-ingtogureoutwhichbulbswereburntoutsowecouldgetallthelittlelightstotwinklethewaythey'resupposedto.
Shemadefruitcake.
Therewerethingstodo.
"IswirlthewineintheglasswhichSteffenhaspouredformeeventhoughIdon'twantit.
IthinkwinetasteslikemoldyHi-C.
"IhateMaine,"Steffsays.
IknowthathereallydoeshateMaine.
Ialsoknowthatwhenhe'snervoushetalksabouthowde-pressedheisevenifhe'snot.
"IgetdepressedeverytimeIsetfootinthisstate.
Ican'tsleepinthishouse.
Ihaven'tsleptsinceI'vebeenhome.
Youcanhearhervibratorclearacrossthehouse.
Itjusthumsandhums.
Icannotdeal.
AllIwanttodoiswatchtele-vision.
TheonlyjoyinmydayisRenandStimpy.
Idon'tthinkIcanlastanothertwoweeks,butIdon'tknowwhatLynnwoulddoifIleft.
It'ssofreakingdesolateuphere.
She'saloneinthishousewithnothingbutSallyandhervibratorallwinterlong.
Lil,Iamnotholdingmycraptogetherhere.
"VibratorsarewhattheysellatthePinkPussycatBoutiqueintheWestVillage,notsomethingyourmotherplayswithwhenshedoesn'tfeellikegoingouttorentamovie.
Ithinkthisandfeellikemymother,soItrytothinksomethingelsebutIdon'tknowwhattothinkbecauseit'snotsomethingI'veeverthoughtaboutbefore.
IrememberastorySteffoncetoldmewhilewewerewait-ingoutathunderstormunderanoverhangonamountainpass.
He'dhadaprettyseriousgirlfriendduringhissenioryearnamedDaisySpitz.
Herfatherhaddiedofleukemia;hermothertaughtfthgradesocialstudies.
WhenSteffenandDaisyhadbeengoingoutforafewmonths,Mrs.
Spitzcalleduptodotheappropriatethingandinviteherdaughter'sboyfriend'smotheroverforacupofcoffee.
"Hello,Mrs.
Strand,"shesaid.
"ThisisMrs.
Spitz,Daisy'smother.
.
.
""Ourchildrenaresleepingtogether,"Lynnsaid.
"Ithinkwecanbeonarst-namebasis.
"Ibetthatmymother,inDaisy'smother'sposition,would'vesaid,"IbelieveIhavethewrongnumber,"andhungup.
154AccidentalLove"Lilwantstohavetwenty-sevenchildrenandliveonafarminIdaho,"SteffentellsLynnatdinner.
Iamstrugglingpitifullywithmylobstercrackersandamabouttocorrecthimandsay,"Mon-tana,"whentheleggivesandbitsoforangeshellgoyingevery-wherelikeshatteredporcelain.
Steffchuckles.
Lynntakesanothersipofwineanddoesn'tseemtonotice.
"Twenty-seven,huh"Lynnsays.
"Youbettergetstarted.
"Itstrikesmethatreproductionisnotthesafesttopicofconver-sation,beingthatitisoftenlinkedtosex.
"Youdon'trealize,"Lynnsaysthoughtfully,anditoccurstomethatshe'snotlaughingatmelikemostadultsdobutcounsel-ingmydecision,"youdon'trealizehowhardit'sgoingtobe.
"Ilookupather:sittingsidewaysinherchair,legscrossed,anel-bowonthetableholdingherglassuptothecandlelightasshewatchestearsofredwinestreakdowntheclearbowl.
Irecallalifetimeofmyfather'sdiatribes,quoteddirectlyfromtheWineSpectator.
You'resupposedtodrinkwhitewithseafood.
ButLynnisn'thavinglobsterherself,justwatchingmeandSteffdemolishours.
Iamusedtothis;mymotherneveractuallyeatsatthedin-nertable,shejustpassesthedishestomyfatherandpickscu-cumbersoutofthesaladbowlwithhernails.
"Youhavekids,"Lynnsays,leaningacrossthetabletowardme,"andyourdecisionsaren'tjustaboutyouanymore.
"Ilookather,nodding.
IwishSteffwouldsaysomething.
Iwishwecouldleavethetable.
IwishwewerebackinWyoming,talk-ingeachothertosleepunderthetarp:IfIwereanitemofcamp-inggear,I'dask,whatwouldIbeMyboots,Steffwouldsay.
MuddyandstinkyIndispensable.
"TeachingfreshmancalculusisnotwhatIdreamedofinmylife.
"Lynnchucklesatherself,thenregainsherearnestness.
"Whenyouhavekidsyoucan'tquitjobsjustbecausetheydon'tmeshwithyouridealsfortheworld.
Youneedsomethingstable.
Somethingthat'sgoingtoseethosekidsthrough.
ThecollegepayshalfofSteffenandGeordie'stuitions.
Billy—theirfather—hedoesn'thaveapottopissin.
Ipaytheotherhalf.
"Shepausestoscratchadripofcandlewaxfromthetable.
Steffgetsupword-lesslyanddisappearsintothelivingroom.
Hecan'tevenstandtohearotherpeopletalkabouthisfather.
WeheartheTVickon.
AccidentalLove155"Cartoons,"Lynnsays,staringoffatthewall,perturbedlyshakingheremptywineglass.
"Steffen'sveryownnudistBud-dhistcommune.
"WhatSteffenhasconcededtotellmeaboutBillyisthatheistall,ercelyhandsome,andageniusandthatSteffwantstobeeverythingandnothinglikehimallatthesametime.
"Ihaveoftenwondered,"shesays,turningtofaceme,"ifIdrivethemawayorifit'ssomegeneticightinstinctintheStrandmale.
.
.
Likefatherlikeson.
.
.
Acornneverfallsfarfromthetree.
.
.
"Hergazedriftsbacktothewall.
"Doyouknow,thelasttimeIcalledSteffenandGeordie'sfa-therIgothisansweringmachine,"Lynntellsme.
Sheisinstantlyfocusedagain,sharpasatack.
"Therewassitarmusicintheback-ground,andthenBilly'svoice,asdeepasSteffen's,Billy'svoiceoveritsaying:'IleavealightoninmymindincaseIdecidetore-turn.
'Ihungup.
Imean,whatareyousupposedtodowiththat"ShelooksatmeasthoughImightknowwhatyou'resupposedtodowithit.
Ishakemyheadslowly,mymouthformingtheword"wow"butnotspeakingit.
LynnreachesacrossthetableforapieceoflobstermeatleftonSteffen'splateandfeedsittoSallyunderthetable.
"Doyoubelieveinlove,Lilith"Lynnasksme.
Ineedtobelieveinittoobadlytosayno.
Yesmakesitseemfarsimplerthanitcouldeverreallybe.
IloveSteff,andIknowthathelovesme,butIdon'tknowwhatanyofthatactuallymeans.
Ifeeltrapped.
Iampinnedbetweenmyplateandmychairwithonlymylobstercrackerstodefendme.
"Itdepends,"Isay.
"Ibelieve,"Lynnsays.
"Ibelieveinalovethatpreexiststheloverswhofallintoit.
"Sheletsthatonefallonmewhilesherellsherglass,thenoffersmethebottle.
Foraboutthetenthtimetonight,Iwaveitaway,politely.
"It'slikecaraccidents,"Lynnsays.
"Caraccidentsdon'thappenbecauseyouforgettolookinyourrear-viewmirrororyourbrakesfail.
Youcouldspendawholelifetimecaughtupin'whatifIhadn'tmissedtheexit,''whatifI'dhadthatsecondcupofcof-fee,''whatifwe'dstayedinSt.
Louis.
'Youjustcan'tfactorcoinci-dencethatway,youknow"Inod.
WhatelsecanIdo156AccidentalLove"Caraccidentsexistincertainplacesandcertaintimes;it'sjustwhoeverhappenstoshowup.
""Whatifnooneshowsup"Isay.
Ican'tbringmyeyesuptoLynn'sfaceasIspeaksoIamleftstaringatherchest.
Thereisachipofcorallobstershellstucktotheleftbreastofherangorasweater.
"Thecrashgoesunconsummated,"shesays.
Iwonderifvibratorshumlikerevvingengines.
Icannotnod.
"Likelove,"shecontinues.
"Loveisanentityuntoitself.
Therearepatchesofitallovertheplace.
It'snotreallytangible,butit'sthere,poolsofit.
Bluepockets,swirlinglikeeddies.
Peopledon'tmeetbecausetheybothlikeBurmesefood,orbecausesomeone'ssisterhasafriendwho'ssingleandnewintown,orbe-causeBilly'snosehappenedtocrookjustslightlytotheleftatananglethatmademewanttoweep.
"Lynnleanstowardmeagain.
"Peopledon'tfallinlovewitheachother,"shesays.
"Theyjustfallintolove.
"Shefallsbackintoherchair,asifrelievedtohavegottenthatout.
Isuddenlyfeelverystupidwearingmylobsterbib,butIcan'tgureoutwhattodowithit.
Lynnreclinesslightlyontotheairbehindher,wagginghercrossedleganxiouslyuntilherslipperfallstotheoor.
Sallypicksitupandgivesitbacktoher.
"Thanks,Sal,"Lynnsays,holdingtheslipperinherhandlikeadiploma,thenturnsbacktome,layingtheslipperdownonthetablenexttoherdessertspoonasifitwereanextrapieceofsilverware.
"Somepeopleareluckyenoughtobumpintoeachotherinthemiddleofapatchoflove,"shesays,feelingitnecessarytoclarifyherpoint.
"OntheexpresslineatGrandUnion,"shegrinsatme,hereyessparkling,"onamountaintopinWyoming.
.
.
Myad-vice,Lilith,isjustdon'tfallintoonealone.
It'sdevastating.
"ShelooksatmeconcertedlytoseethatI'munderstandingthis.
"Itwellsinyou,"shesays,"andthere'snooutlet.
Noplaceforittogo.
"Sheplacesthetipsofherngerstoherbreastboneandrubs.
Thechipoflobstershellisjostledfreeandwaftsawaylikeaspeckofstrayricefallingtothegroundlongafterthebrideandgroomhavedrivenoff,tincansclankingalongtheroadbehindthem.
"Itaches,"Lynnsays,rubbing.
"Itaches.
"AccidentalLove157Weclearthetabletogether,butLynninsistsondoingthedishesherself.
ShetellsmethattherearecleantowelsontherackandthatIcanuseanythinginthebathroomIneed.
Shewishesmeluckonmyadmissionsinterviewinthemorning.
Isaythankyou.
Foreverything.
IndSteffeninthelivingroom,lyingatthefootoftheChrist-mastree,hishandspokingupintothebranchesfromunderneath.
Heisswearingtohimself.
OnTVEdithandArchiearesinging"ThoseWeretheDays.
"Thecandlesonthetreeareickingonandofflikerunwaywarninglights.
Somewhereinthelongstringoflightswoundroundandroundthetreethere'safaultybulb,somewherealooseconnectionthatneedstobeddledintoplace.
"IfIwereasitcomrerun,whichonewouldIbe"Iask.
Steffhasn'tseenmecomein.
Slowlyhecraneshisneckoutfrombeneaththepineboughs.
Thetreegoessuddenlydark;itslightsareoutagain.
Steffcockshisheadirtatiouslyandagrinspreadsacrosshisface.
"MyTwenty-SevenSons,"hesays,laughs,andducksbackunderthetreetoresumehisddling.
"IfIwereaChristmastreeornament,"hecallsoutfromthebranches,"whichonewouldIbe"Thestar,Ithinkbutcan'tmakemyselfsay.
Myeyespanthetree:silvertinsel,turquoiseglassballs,candycanestiedwithhollyberrybows,lopsidedfeltcutoutsinredandgreenprobablymadebytwolittleboysonarainydayinMaine.
"Thelights,"Isay.
Suddenlythetreegoesbrightagain,itsglowblurryandwarm.
Theroomisperfectlystill,oodedwiththesleepylightofahun-dredtinybluecandles.
Iholdmybreath,preparedforthelightstoashoffagain,buttheydon't.
ThroughthebranchesIhearSteffwhisper,"I'mafraidifImovethey'llcutout.
"IpicturehimholdingthatpositionuntilNewYear's,andIlaugh.
Thestudioaudienceonthetelevisiondoestoo.
TheTVisperchedonarollingcart,andIwheelitovertowherewecanwatchbeforeIcrawlun-derneaththetreemyself.
IcurlaroundSteffandburymyhandsintothewoolbellyofhissweater,andwejustlielikethatforawhile:spoonsunderthetreeinthispocketofcandle-blue.
Evenwhenwemove,thelightsstayon.
158AccidentalLoveHowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeingOnourrstdateJohnRyantookmetoSiracusa,expensiveItalianintheEastVillage.
HechoseacentraltableandaniceCabernet.
Thewaiterhoveredbesideus.
"Doyouknowwhatyou'dlike,Jean"JohnRyanasked.
We'dbeensetuponthisdatebythecollegefriendwithwhomI'dbeenstayingforafewweeks.
SheandJohnRyanworkedtogetherontheoorattheStockExchangeand,fromwhatIunderstood,didnotparticularlylikeoneanother.
"Primavera,"Iannounced.
AtrstJohnRyanlookeddisappointedinmychoice.
Heblinkedandrearrangedhissilverwarealittle,butthenhisex-pressionshifted.
Suddenlyheappearedtobecharmedandsmiled159atmeasifhe'dknownmeforever.
ThenJohnRyanheldouthismenutobecollectedbutnevertookhiseyesfromme.
"I'mgoingtowatchhereat,"hesaid.
Thewaiternoddedandstalkedofftowardthekitchen.
"Andyousleptwiththisman"Felicitybalked.
Inoddedguiltily.
Mylifeisliberallypepperedwithsimilarsuchlapsesinlogic;sometimessenseevadesmyorbitentirely.
"Itwasabadtime,"Isaid.
"Baby,"Rorysaid,strokingbackthehairfrommyface.
Shewasbesidemeonthecouch,Felicitywasontheooratmyfeet,herfaceraised,cheekrestingonmykneeasItalked.
"Baby,"Rorysaidagain.
"Baby.
"Felicityistheloveliestpersonintheworld,andit'shardlyawonderRorypursuedherthewayshedid:relentlessly,mania-cally,withthedesperatedriveoftheaddictshe'dalwaysbenomatterhowmanyyearsofsobrietyshehadunderherbelt.
Roryneeded,andifshecouldn'tneedheroin,she'dndawaytoneedsomethinglegal,likeFelicity.
I'veneverbeenaddictedtodrugsmyself,althoughIoftenwonderwhynot.
IrecognizeRoryinmyself,myselfinRory—thatneedtomaketheworldfallaway.
ButInevergottherechemically.
Idon'tmeanthattosoundsupe-rior;it'sjustnotthewayI'vegone.
Iwasalittledrunkwhentheprimaveraarrived.
Thewaiterstoodoverme,steamingdishinhand,arrangingmysilverwaretomakeroomfortheplate.
JohnRyanclearedtheplacebeforehimself.
"I'lltakethathere,"hesaid.
Acoupleatthenexttablepeeredover,thenbusiedbacktotheirownmeals.
"Ofcourse,"saidthewaiter.
HeedgedoutfrombehindmychairandsetthepastabeforeJohnRyan.
Fromhisapronpockethewhiskedatinysilvercheesegrater.
"FreshParmesan"heaskedJohnRyan.
160HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeingJohnRyanturnedtome,extendingtheoffer.
Imusthavenodded.
"Please,"JohnRyantoldthewaiter,whoturnedthecrank.
Suddenlythegraterdisappeared,wasreplacedbyapeppermill,angledabovetheplatelikealightningbolt.
Thewaiterlookedtome.
Inoddedagain.
Heground.
JohnRyansaid,"Thankyou,"andthewaiterleft.
JohnRyangrabbedmeinhisstare.
"Willyouletmefeedyou,Jean"hesaid.
Isquirmedatrst.
Flittedmyeyesaroundtheroom.
Igiggled,nervous.
Peoplewerewatching,Ithought,andthatembarrassedmebuteggedmeontoo,Ithink.
Ifit'sashow,Ithought,thenfuck,I'llputonashow!
Therewassomethingsoin-your-faceaboutit.
Athrilltoshockthesepeoplealittleovertheirniceex-pensiveantipastoplatters,tobebaseinthemidstoftheirpomp.
IreinedinmyattentionandtriedtoreturnJohnRyan'sstare.
"OK,"Isaid.
Icrossedmylegs.
JohnRyanpickeduphisfork.
"Whatwouldyoulikeintherstbite""Itdoesn'tmatter,"Isaid.
"No,"hesaid,"you'regoingtochoose.
""Butitdoesn'tmatter,"Itoldhim.
"Ofcourseitmatters.
"Hesetdownthefork.
"Don'tyouthinkyoumatter,JeanIthinkyoumatter.
Itmatterstomewhatyoueatinyourrstbiteofdinnertonight.
Iwanttogiveyouwhatyouwant.
"Andthatwasall.
Itwaseasiertogiveinthantoght,andIcouldn'thavefoughtlonganyway.
JohnRyanwasrightthere,andhewantedtotakecareofme.
IthinkIgiggledalittle.
"Broccoli.
""Withpasta"heasked.
Ishookmyhead.
"Justbroccoli.
"Onceyou'reinside,that'sit:that'sthelogic,that'sthewaythingsare.
Youforgettheycanbeanyotherway,thatthey'veeverbeenanyotherway.
TherewereamazingthingswithJohnRyantoo.
Thesex.
ThewayhefedmeatSiracusa—that'showitwasalways.
Hewasonlyconcernedwithmypleasure.
That'swhatHowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeing161gothimoff.
Itwasallhecaredabout.
Afterawhile,though,Istartedtogetweirdinsidemyself.
Myheartwouldstartpalpi-tatingfornoreason,andI'dgetscaredoverthings,littlethingssometimes:acounterclerkwouldaskmeforhereortogoandI'dpanic,I'dbetotallyincapableofresponding.
Ofhavinganyideawhatmyresponseevenwas.
AndmaybeIpartlyknewthatJohnRyanhadsomethingtodowithit,butthingsalwaysgottwistedbecauseI'dthink,WhatamIcomplainingaboutHelovedmemorethanheknewhowtohandle,treatedmelikeaqueen—he'ddoanything,anythingintheworldforme.
He'dalwaystwistitbackaroundtothatandmakeitnotmakesensetoturnawayfromhim.
NotthatitmadesensetobewithJohnRyan,butitdidn'thaveto:Iwasalreadythere.
Felicitysaidshecouldunderstandwhatmademestay.
Felicity'sfromadifferentworld:big,Waspy,Massachusettsclan.
Boatsandformaldancinglessonsandfamilycreeds.
"Childrenshouldbeseenandnotheard.
""Girlsshouldweartheirhairlong.
""Dun-gareesareforfallingindung,whichisnotsomethingonedoesbychoice,andthusisnotsomethingonedressesfor.
"Felicityhasthreebrothersandasister,sosheknowswhatit'sliketowantthelightbeamingdownonjustyou.
Butinherworld,too,thelightsgottricky.
Youcancravethespotforsolong,butwhenyou-nallygetit,it'sbecauseyou'vedonesomethingliketellyourpar-entsthatit'sneiftheyinsistonthrowingyouacomingoutparty,onlyyou'recomingoutasadyke,notadeb,andthenthereyouare,centerstage,largeaslife,andyourealizeyouthrewawaytheirscriptlongbeforeyoulearnedyourlines.
There'salotofscreaminginstead,andcrying,andfutileattemptsatdiscussionandcalmbehindcloseddoorsuntilsuddenlythosedoorsareslammingshutforgood,andyou'renotsureexactlyhow—haveyoudoneitHavetheyOnlyit'syouontheoutside,you'retheoneonthebus,abusheadedwestsincethereisnomoreeastinMassachusetts,andyouthinkyouunderstandthatsometimestheonlythingintheworldyoucancountonisaGreyhoundbus,andyoucan'tevenbegintothinkaboutwhatthatmightreallymeanbecauseyouthinkyou'vebeguntothinklikeacountry162HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeingsong,whichdoesn'tultimatelymakeanylesssensethanany-thingelse,sothereyougo—Allaboard!
Felicityhaspluck,iswhatRorywouldsay.
Gotoffthebusattheendoftheline.
SanFranciscowastoobig,soshehitcheddownthecoast.
SantaCruzhadanondenominationalchurchwithafreelunchprogram.
Ausedclothesexchangeinashackdowntown.
Awomen'scenter.
Hippies.
Aclimatenearlygoodenoughtocampoutyear-roundifneedbe.
Shegotajob(waitressingbreakfastandlunchatZachary'sonPacicAvenue),andanother(live-inmanagerofthewomen'shostelinaVictorianupthehill),andeventuallyaGED,whichenabledhertotakeaclassortwoatthecommunitycollege—Cabrillo—whichiswhereshemetRory,whoworksthereinthecustodialdepartmentunderthetermsofherparole.
Asforme,IarrivedinSantaCruzbytaxifromtheSanJoseairport,hadthedrivertakemestraighttothehostel.
It'saquar-terthecostofamotel,andthoughmoneyisn'tmyproblemperse,itisalimitedresource.
Itdoesn'tcomein,onlyowsout,andwhilethetrustfromwhichitowsisgenerous,it'snotgoingtolastevenafractionofmyownduration.
Itravelaroundalot.
Iliketokeepmyselfinmotion,butItrytowatchmyspendingwhenIcan.
Idon'ttalkaboutSantaCruz.
Ihavetroublekeepingthingsfrompeople,loversespecially,asifI'mcompelledtorelinquisheverythingtoeveryone.
ButSantaCruz,somehow,I'mallowedtokeepformyself.
"Neverbeenthere,"Icanevensayifsomeoneasks.
Igetafraidofslippingup,ofbeingfoundout,butthere'sathrillinthattoo,asmall-smallsecretthatwouldn'tmeanany-thingtoanyoneanywaybutisstilljustmine,onlymine.
IguarditthewayIthinksomepeopleguarddeformitiesordiaries.
IhideSantaCruz.
Ihaveruntothistownbefore.
ThatrstweekbackIgotmybearings,sloggedaroundtownhalf-lookingforwork,signedinatthetempagency,scannedthejobboardsatSaturnCafeandWholeEarth,checkedbackinwithmytherapist,Elaine,who'slikeamotherthewayshetakesmebackeverytimeagainstherbetterjudgment,incapableofsayingno,ofturningmeaway.
It'stooclearhowmuchIneedher.
Orsomeone.
Shealwaysthinksmaybethistimewe'llbreakthrough.
MaybethistimeIwon'tleave.
AndIthinkittooforawhile—HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeing163arealfaiththatwecandoit:ndanswers,changepatterns,endthedysfunctionalbehavior.
It'sachallengeinaway:Isurrendertoeveryoneelse,andElaine'stheonlyonetowhomsurrenderwouldbesafe,encouraged,andpotentiallyhelpful,butshe'stheonlyonetowhomIcan't.
Orwon't.
Ikeeptrying.
OneeveningIslumpedintothehostel,passedtheTVroomonmywaytothestairs,andwavedhitoFelicityandthepersononwhoselapshewascurled.
Felicitysaid,"Heysweetie.
Joinus.
""Thanks,"Isaid,"butI'mexhausted.
"RoryturnedbeneathFelicity.
Shesaid,"ScotchandDebraWinger.
.
.
"danglingthosetwothingsbeforemelikeanofferI'dbepowerlesstorefuse.
Felicitylaughed,threwbackthatlovelyblondheadandlaughed,herpointychinraisedtotheceiling,widecheekbonesstretchingherwholefacewithglee.
ThenallatoncesheleanedinandputhermouthonRory'sear,andwithhereyesopenedtomebehindRory'shead,sheraisedonehandandwavedmeintotheroom.
TheysetmeupinaneasychairwithaSave-a-TreemugofWhiteHorseandahalf-emptybagofslightlystaleCircusPea-nutsthatstuckinmyteethlikenougat.
FelicityandRorycuddledonthecouchliketeenagersthroughMadeinHeavenandBlackWidow.
IthadtohavebeenpastmidnightwhenweputinTermsofEndearmentandIjoinedthemonthecouchtobeclosertothetissuebox.
IfellinlovewithSantaCruzalloveragainthatnight,brim-mingwithit,swollenwithloveforFelicityandRoryboth,withthewholeworldofthehostel,itsrattycouchesandstained-glasswindows,thegloriousbuzzofscotchandcrickets,andIthoughtIhadfallenintoexactlytheplaceIneededtobe:aDebraWingerlmfestivalinawomen'shostelonacouchbetweenRoryandFe-licity,who'dpartedtomakeroomformeandputthetissuesonmylapwhereeveryonecouldreach.
Bytheendwewerepuffyandsnufinganddamp.
DuringAnOfcerandaGentlemanFelicitytookthetissuesfrommeandsetthemonthecoffeetable,appropriatingmylapforapillow.
Shetuckedherhandsunderhercheekandsettledinlikealittlecat.
Roryleaneddownandkissedherbrow,thenplantedalittlekissonmycheeksoIwouldn'tfeelleftout.
Igig-164HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeinggled.
ThenIdozedoff,wokeupinanarmytrainingcamptoLouGossetJr.
screaming"Mayonnaise!
Mayonnaise!
"FelicityhadslippeddowntotheooratRory'sfeet,andherchinrestedonthelipofthecouchcushionasshestaredupintoRory'sface.
IhadslumpedontoRoryabitinmysleep,andshe'dwrappedanarmaroundmeandletmyheadrestacrosshertorso.
Ifeignedsleepalittlelonger;Ifeltsopeaceful.
ItwasalmosthardtobelievethatsuchashorttimebeforeI'dbeenanear-catatonicmess,dodgingacrossthecountrytoescapeJohnRyanasifmylifedependedonit.
Icouldn'trememberifthingshadactuallybeenthatbadorifI'doverdramatizeditallinmymind.
Nonetheless,Ithought,Howbeautifullyresilientisthehumanbeing.
Roryshiftedbeneathme,andIcouldseeFelicity'sheadnodagreementtosomething.
Rorybentherheadtowardmine.
Shesmoothedmyhairfrommyearandspokeintoitsoftly.
Herbreathwaslightonmyskin.
HereyeswerestillonFelicity.
"Jean,"Rorywhispered,"Jeanhoney.
Heythere,"shesaid,anditwaslikeamotherwakingherbaby,thatnice.
"It'sprettylate,andFeeandIweregoingtogouptoherroomandweweretalk-ingaboutitandwebothwantedtoaskyouifyou'dwanttocomewithus"Isatupwaytoofast.
Felicityregisteredsomethinglikealarm;Roryhadherhandsouttowardme,asiftostillmebutafraidtotouch.
Shesaid,"Ohgod,I'msosorry,Jean.
Wedidn'tmeantofreakyouout.
"Felicitywastalkingatthesametime,saying,"It'sOK,Pleasedon'tgo.
AreyoumadPleasedon'tbemad,wejustthought.
.
.
""No,nonononononononono,"Icried.
"Ohgod,no,it'snotyou.
Ijust.
.
.
IjustIcan't.
.
.
god.
Iwould.
Inasecond.
Iswear.
I'mjust.
.
.
Ijustgotoutofthisawful.
.
.
justsuchahugeaw-fulmess.
.
.
andIcan't.
.
.
"Andthat'swhenItoldthemthewholestory:NewYork,JohnRyan,thelight,andeverythingthathadnallygottenmefromtheretoSantaCruz.
Theywereamazing—areamazing—theyjustlistened,switchedthewholetenorofeverythinginordertojustberightthereandlisten.
Whenwenallywentupstairstobed—themtoFelicity'sandmetomyown—Ifeltlight-headed,andpurged,andsafe.
HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeing165ButwhatElainewouldsay,andhasbeensayingforyearsnow,isthattobesafeisn'taboutwhereintheworldyouputyourbody,it'saboutmakingyourselfsafefromyourselffromthein-side.
Iknewshewasright.
Iftherewasanypossiblewaytofuckup,Ialwaysfoundit.
ItwouldbedisingenuousofmetosaythatIwasn'taware,sex-ually,ofFelicity,fromthestart.
Maybeitwasn'tspecicallythatIwantedtosleepwithher,butIwantedsomething.
Desire,asIseeit,isnecessarilysexual.
Inmanyways—wonderfulways—Felicitywastrulyaninno-cent.
ShewasdrawntoherdesireslikePoohBeartothehoneypot.
Iusedtobelikethat.
IntheplaygroundofmygradeschooltherewasaslidingpoleIusedtoplayonatrecess,wrapmylegsaroundittightandedgemyselfdownslowlyasIcould,feelingthecoldhardmetalagainstmypubicboneuntilmyarmsweretootiredtoholdme.
UntilsomeonecomplainedtoateacherthatJeanSuskinwashoggingthepoleandnotlettingotherkidsslide.
Afterthat,alltheteachersonyarddutyseemedtobeawarethatJeanSuskinwasn'tsupposedtobeallowedontheslidingpoleanymore.
ButFelicityasanadultwaslikethatsix-year-oldmeontheslidingpole,asifshehadn'tpickedupguilt,orself-doubt,earlyon.
Shewasn'tahedonist,butshedidn'tsmotherherpas-sions.
Shelledhersensesinstinctually.
Butthen,midgulp,she'drememberherselfandpullback,takeadegreeofremovefromthesensoryworldshecouldn'tresist.
Somepeoplethoughtshewenthotandcold;theyfoundherckleandevasive.
Shewasn't.
Shewaslikeatrueskinnyinaworldofdieters.
Whensheremem-beredwhereshewas,she'dtakeherM&Msintotheclosetandenjoytheminprivate.
We'dirt,FelicityandI,butthenshe'dcatchherself,takeaglanceattheworldaroundher,andndsomeotherreasonableoutlet.
Forme,itwastantalizing,excruciating,andultimatelyunbearable.
AftertheDebraWingernightwaswhenmyimaginarycock-tailpartiesstartedagain.
Mymindconjuredelegantfoiegrasandsherryeventsatwhichtherewasmuchlasciviouseye-makingacrosscrowdedroomspunctuatedbypointedandangrydecla-rationsofloveandfreneticcouplingsincoatclosets,andbath-166HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeingrooms,andwell-stockedkitchenpantries.
Myfavoritewasatapartyinahousefromwhichthefurniturehadallbeenclearedouttomakeroomfordancingandwasnowstackedandprecari-ouslypiledinthegarage.
Wesnuckinthroughthecarportandmadeloveonoverturnedtables,inacanvasbutterychair,achil-dren'scardboardplayhousefromSears,andapaddleboatwhichwasraiseduponcinderblocksforwinterstorage.
Theonlytimeweeverhadsexforreal,itwasraining.
Ithadbeenrainingforeons—therainyseason,theycallit—andFelic-ityandIhadbeenhangingaroundthehostelofferingupdismalsuggestionsofwaystopassthetimeuntilthesuncameoutagain:"Cards""Checkers""TV""Scrabble""Charades""Wecouldgoupstairs,"Felicitysaid,hervoicetentative.
IsaidOK.
Sowewent.
Therewassomethingclear-cutandsettlingaboutsexwithFelicity.
Veryyou-get-me-off-and-I'll-get-you-off.
Itputmeatease.
Like:youdomyhairandI'lldoyours.
Or:tradeyouback-rubs.
Itwassortofcontractual.
Ilikedthat.
Wewereinherroom;Ifeltstronglyaboutkeepingmyroomasaseparateplace,anot-sexualplace,justmine.
Inherroomwewerelyingacrossthebed.
Herfeetwereatonmystomach,herlegsbentattheknee.
Shehadtinylittlefeet.
Perfect.
HeranklesmademethinkofAudreyHepburn.
Youcouldseeallthelittlebonesandtendonsunder-neaththeskin,andhertoenailswerepaintedlikecandy.
Felicity'sheaddangledbackwardoffthebed;shewasfollowingraindropsdownthewindowpanewithitteringngers,beingalooftocom-pensateforthelavishdisplayofaffectionshe'djustrelinquishedtome,andIwasthinkingI'minlovewithFelicity.
AndIwasthinkingalsoitcouldbelikethis,separatelikethis,justaslongasweneverhavesexinmyroom,thiscanbeOK.
Whenshesaid,"Whatactuallymadeyouleavenally"shewasn'tlookingatme.
"Hewascrazy,"Isaid.
"Imean,sowasI,butit'snotlikeittookmorethanthreebraincellstorealizeIwasn'texactlythriving.
""No,"shesaid,"no,butImeanwhatmadeyourealizeWhatgotyoutotheairplane""Ataxi,"Isaid.
HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeing167Sheliftedherhead,pickedupapillow,andlobbeditatme,andasithitIfeltforasecondlikeIwaswinningherback,backfromherleave-takingacrossthebed.
"Ihadn'thadasexdriveformonths.
Itmadehimcrazy.
Be-yondcrazy.
Hegotobsessedwithturningmeon.
Itgotworsethanyou'devenimagine—sleaziertoo,likehisclassandhishor-ninesswereinverselyproportional.
"Felicitygrimaced.
Thewholeconceptofhornymenseemedtomakeheralittlequeasy.
Isaid,"Mysenseoftime,mysleepschedule,itwasalloffbythen,butyoudon'tknow.
Youfeellikeyou'vebeatthistimething,likeyou'repastgettingscrewedbypolarities.
Dayandnight.
Blackandwhite.
Whatyouhaveismoreorganic,morewhole.
You'remorerealthaneverybodyelse.
"AndtherewassomethinginthewayFelicitynoddedthattoldmesheunderstood.
Itoldheraboutthatday,thatlastdayinNewYorkwhenIwashomeinbedeatingcereal.
JohnRyanwasn'tthere.
ThephonerangandIsplashedcerealmilkallovermysleeveandmylap.
Itwassugarcereal,andthemilkwasallsticky,soIguessIwenttowashitoff.
InthebathroomIturnedonthelight,turnedontheshower,andtherewasawindowintheshowerwithashadeoverit,andItuggedtheshadeanditretracted—ffffft—intoaroll.
Thesunwasout,anditcameinthroughthewindowinabigdirtyswatch,abigslabofsunlight.
Likeachunkofcheese.
Andtheceilinglightseemedlikewaterthen,andIknewthatthetwolightscouldn'tmixtogether,couldn'tcometogetherandbeonelight.
Itwasliketheyrepelledeachother.
Andsome-howitwasasifIhadtosolvethat.
Likeitwasmyresponsibility.
Exceptitwasimpossible.
Itmademeafraid.
Reallyafraid.
"Andyoujustleft"Felicitysaid.
Inodded.
Iwastalkingtoomuch.
Iwasafraidshe'dgetbored.
"Youthinkhe'lltrytondyou"sheasked.
"Idon'tknow.
"TheonlyotherthingIcouldimagineforJohnRyanwasthathe'dndanotherme.
Commitorkillhimself,maybe.
Orcomelookingforme,Iguess.
Inalotofways,hisop-tionsaren'tallthatdifferentfrommine.
Itkeptraining.
ThenightofthedaythatFelicityandIhadsex,Rorycamebywithribs,andwenukedsomecornbreadFelicity'dbroughthome168HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeingfromherwaitressingjobandtookitallouttotheTVroom.
Iknew—Felicityhadsaidsoexplicitly—thatitwouldallbeOKwithRory,anditwasactuallyallOKwithmetoountilwesettheribsandthecornbreaddownonthecoffeetableanddugouttheremotefrombetweenthecouchcushions.
Ithought,Idon'twantribs.
Ididn'twanttowatchTV.
ButIcouldn'ttellwhatImightwantinstead.
IhadnoideawhatIwantedatall,andthatstruckmeasthemostinsurmountablethingIcouldconceiveofuntilallofasudden"I"and"want"stoppedmakingsensetoo.
Igotsquirmy,thought,Ican'tsitdownonthatcouch.
Therewasnoth-ingIcoulddo,nooptionthatwouldmakeitallOK.
Ididn'twantFelicitytotellRory.
Ididn'twanthernottotellRory.
Ididn'twanttohideit.
Ididn'twanttohavedoneitatall.
Ididn'twanttobewantingtodoitagain.
AndIdidn'twanttobethere.
I'dtakeatrillionothertownsandcities.
Ihadtobeanywherebutthere.
Butwheredoyougowhenyourunfromtheplaceyou'vealwaysruntoIwish,somehow,thatIcouldknowthewayitappearedtoRoryandFelicity:howtheythoughtofmethen,iftheythinkofmenow,whattheysaidtoeachotherwhenfteen,twentyminutespassedandIdidn'treturnfromthebathroomDidtheyputaplateovermyribstokeepthemwarmforme,ordidtheystarttalkingtheminuteIwasgonefromtheroomIwonderifFelicitytoldRoryaboutthesexrightthen,orifmaybeshedidn'thaveachancebeforeRoryleanedoverandkissedheronherwidepinkmouth,restakedherclaimonFelicity.
IwishIknewwhattheysaw,becausewhatImissoutonisthereection.
Mylifeislikestandinginfrontofthemirrorwithyoureyesclosed,onlyIdon'tknowifIhaveanyeyesatallbecauseIdon'tknowhowtoopenthemtoseeifthey'rethereornot.
IwalkedtotheGreyhoundstationfromthehostelandgotonthenextbuseast,becauseallthereisiseastfromCalifornia,andwherewasn'twhatmattered,onlywherenot.
Idon'ttrulythinkthatJohnRyanfollowsme,butsometimesI'llcomehome,wherever"home"seemstobeatthetime,andmydoorwillbeopenwhenI'msureI'veleftitlocked,orthedishesHowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeing169willbedone,ormyplantswillbewateredandpickedofdeadleaves,andIwonderifthat'swhatJohnRyandoesnow.
Keepstabsonthings.
Keepsthingsinorder.
Slipsacreditcardortakesabobbypintomylock,looksaround,andwaterstheplantsonhiswayoutjusttotellhimselfthathe'snotsuchabadguyreally.
He'sconcerned,honestly.
JustwantstomakesureI'mgettingtakencareof.
170HowBeautifullyResilienttheHumanBeingJono,anElegyThersttimeIsawJonohewashangingupside-downinatreeoutsidetheStudentUnionandIwalkedpastwith-outlettingmygazefallhisway.
RichardandIhadjustbrokenup,butIwasstillverymuchunderhisjudgmentalinuence,and,likeRichard,Imadeitapointnottonoticepeoplewhodidthingslikehangupside-downintreestocallattentiontothemselves.
NadiaandCharlesweresprawledonthenew-greengrass,whichseemedtohavesproutedandcoveredthequadovernight.
Charleswascross-legged,squintingupintothesunasifheweretryingtoreadaclocksomewhereonthehorizon.
Nadwasonherback,sandalskickedoff,herheadrestingonCharles'sknee.
Shewasfeelingaroundblindlyforsomethinginherbookbag,unwilling171toturnherface,evenforamoment,fromthelong-awaitedsun-shine.
WehadsurvivedourrstOhiowinter.
IwavedasIapproached,wishingIhadsomethingonmymindtotalkaboutotherthanRichard,towhomallconversationseemedtorevertthesedays.
Isatdownandwepassedafewmin-utesindiversion—howwasclassetc.
—beforewewerebacktomynally-overascoofarelationship,andtheprosandconsofdatingotherlit.
majors,andwhetheritmightbeagoodmovetostartlookingoutsidethedepartment,andhowimpossibleloveofanykindwasanyway,whichwasabitridiculoussinceCharlesandNadiawerealreadyquiteutterlyinlovewitheachother,thoughIseemedtobetheonlyoneawareofitatthetime.
Thetwoofthemthenstartedofferingmeupalitanyofpotentialsuitors,everyonefromCharles'sroommatetotheguywhoworkedthewafelineatDiningService.
"How'boutJono"Nadiasaid,wavingalittleandliftingherheadslightlyfromCharles'sknee.
"How'boutJonowhat"saidapersonwhoappearedtoleapintotheairandlandcross-leggedinthegrassbesidemeinaposesolanguidandcomfortablehemighthavebeenthereallafternoon.
"He'sperfect,"Nadiasaid,pushingherselfupright.
"Attrac-tive,easy-going,well-read—amajoreven—andlookatthoseeyes.
IsthatClubMedblueorwhat""Doyoudowindows"Charlesaskedhim.
"Nope,"saidJono,"butIclimbtreesrealwell!
"Hebeamed,noddinggooly,likehewasawareofhowsillyhewas,maybeevenincontrolofit.
MyrstimpressionofJonowasacrossbe-tweenHuckFinnandabassethound.
"Jono,"Nadiasaidsuddenly,"DoyouknowBethanyMyroommate.
"Shegesturedtowardme,everthehostess.
"Bethany,Jono.
We'reinFielding'sclasstogether,"sheexplainedformybenet.
"Jono,Bethany.
""Charmed,"saidJono,andbeforeIrealizedwhatwashappen-inghe'dliftedmyhandfrommylapandkissedit.
Ihadasec-ondofshockathistouch—theintrusionintopersonalspacebyastranger,unexpected,invasiveeven.
Butthat'snotwhatstayedwithme.
WhatIrememberfromthatmomentmademestart,mademelosemytongue,losetheabilitytospeakatall,letalone172Jono,anElegyretortwithsomethingwittyandplace-putting.
WhatIrememberistheunnatural,perfect,ineffablesoftness,thecoolnessofhislipsastheybrushedthebackofmyhandandpausedtherebeforehepulledawayagain.
TheintensityofthatmomentformeIcanas-cribetoorblameonaslewoffactorsfromRichard'srejection,tomyjealousyoverCharlesandNadia,tothequalityoftheaironthatbursting-greenMaydayonthequadinthegrass,wherewelolleduntilthesunhadgonedowninareballbehindthelibrary,andthenwewalkedtowardthedininghall,thefourofus,underthatwide,eternalOhiosky.
It'slandthatdoesn'tcallmuchatten-tiontoitselfexceptforafewminuteseverydayatsunset,whentheskycomesdowntomeettheearthinwavesofvioletandcrimson,aliveandorangeasre.
Eachdaygoesoutinasmallanddevastatingareofglory.
Thatweekendthetemperatureheldsteady,andwhileNadiawasatastudygroupmeeting,CharlesandIwenttotheannualbikederby.
Outlawedbycollegeofcials,thederby,along-stand-ingstudenttradition,wasnowheldinasunken,muddyeldbe-hindanoff-campusfarmhouseknownasEfgy.
Efgy,itsinhabi-tants,andeverythingtheystoodforwereeverythingthatRicharddeplored.
Richardwasasophomore,anEnglishmajortoo,andhewasopinionated,moderatelyconservative,fastidiouslydirected,resolutelyresoluteinhisconvictions.
ForatimeIadmiredthatabouthim—theself-determinism,thebackbone—untilitbe-cameclearthatIwasmeantnotonlytorespectbuttotakeafterhim.
HechastisedmeroutinelyforanyinclinationIexhibitedto-wardradicalliberalism,whichincludedowninganAniDiFrancotape,recyclingasodacan,andoptingfortheveggiealtatDiningServicewhilehesawedhiswaythroughsomebastardizedin-carnationofroastbeast.
Richardcalledthebikederby"Monstertrucksofthepseudo-intellectualpoverty-pleadingset,"and,asastuteanobservationImaynowrecognizethistobe,atthetimethebikederby—ortheideaofsomethingaswacked-outasthebikederby—hadtakenaholdofme,muchinthesamewayJonohad.
Theywerepartofaworldquitedifferentfrommine,aworldthatbothrepelledandintriguedme.
IlookedintoitfromtheJono,anElegy173outside,likearubberneckeratahighwayaccident,andthoughIneveractuallyalteredmyowncourse,IdidslowdownandgawkoutthewindowasIpassedquietlyby.
"WatchforJono,"Nadiahadtoldus.
"He'sriding.
DressedasCaptainAmerica,Ithinkhesaid.
MaybeEvelKnievel.
.
.
"Thebikerswerewarmingupinthemud-atarenaasCharlesandImadeourwayupthedriveway.
Everyonewasincostume—tre-mendous,theatricalcostumes,itwaslikeMardiGrasinaruinedcorneld—andwehadtroublespottingJonointhecrowd.
Itwas,infact,hewhospottedus:camebarrelingpastwithahuge,sloppyMuppet-wavehelloandthenspedaway.
Hewasdressedasadare-devilsuperheroofsomeindeterminatered-white-and-bluevari-ety.
Hisbike—oneofthemanyjunkyardsalvagesthathadbeenpatchedtogetherforonenalride—waspastedwithsilverstarsthatglintedinthesunlightlikebrokenglass.
Therewerenorulestothebikederby.
Theobjectwastobethelastoneriding,whichmeantthattheotherobjectwastoinca-pacitate,cripple,orotherwisemaimthebikesoffellowridersbyanyavailablemeans.
Thismeantclosingone'seyes,howlinglikesomethingundead,andplowingintopeople,hopingsimplytodomoredamagethanwasdonetoyou.
Fromthesidelinesonlookerscheered,butthatwasn'tall.
Thebikederbywasaspectatorsport.
Peoplebroughtsuperpowerwaterguns;othershadriggedahosefromthehouseandwereblastingtheriderslikeriotpolice.
Someenterprisingfanshadsetupabucket-and-springcontraptionontheroofoftheporchandwereusingittoslingrawcompostintotheringbelow.
Mostpeoplesportedponchosandrainslickerstoprotectthemfromyingdebris,butCharlesandIwereunpre-pared,inpoloshirtsandshorts,andwefoundaspotonasmallrisesomewayoffwherewecouldobservewithoutgoinghomecoatedinpastasauceandeggyolk.
Itwassadinaway,Ithought,thatthismatteredtous,butitdid.
ForsomereasonIdidn'tquiteunderstand,Ididn'twantJonotoseemethewayIsometimessawmyself:asaclean-cut,bordering-on-preppyprude.
Atthesametime,itmadememadtondmyselfworryingabouttheimpres-sionImightbemakingonaweirdlittleimpofaboywholikedtohangbyhiskneesfromtreebranches.
IhadnoreasontoimaginethatJonowassomeonewhothoughtparticularlyclearlyaboutanything.
Infact,hewasthetypewhohadprobablyfallenfrom174Jono,anElegysomanyroofs,bicycles,junglegyms,andbunkbedsinhistimethatthoughtsprobablymigratedthroughhisbraininpatternsunrecognizabletome.
Icouldn'tfathomhowthemindofaJonomightwork.
Andperhapsthat'swhatcaptivatedme.
CharlesandIwatchedthecyclistsailmadlyintheyingmud.
Anemceeofsorts—nudebutforaplasticve-gallonpeanutbut-tertubhe'dcutthebottomfromandworearoundhispelvislikeatubeskirt—shoutedincomprehensiblyintoamegaphone.
Onecontestanthowledonatrumpetasherodeuntilitbecametoopluggedwithmudandrottentomatoestomakeasound.
Thebeatofmusicwascomingfromsomewherebutwasotherwiseinaud-ibleabovetheshrieking.
Bikepartsewthroughtheair.
It'sawondernoonewaskilled.
Ridersdroppedlikeies,theirbroken,mangledbicyclestossedontoatremendouspilewhichwouldre-mainforyears,slowlysinkingdownintothefallowearth.
Therewasapartyafterthederby,butCharlesandIdidn'tstay.
IhadaHenryJamespapertonish;CharleswasdueatrehearsalwithhisacappellagroupforanupcomingCommencementWeekperformance.
Butwedidstaylongenoughtoseethenalbattlebetweenthelasttworiders,longenoughtowatchthelastcon-tendergodown,hisbikeliterallyfoldedinhalf.
Asitwascarriedtothemounditactuallybrokeintwo,andahugeroarswelledupfromthecrowd.
Thewinner—avaguelyhuman-shapedglobofmudstuckwithcabbageleavesandgrapefruitpeels—washoistedupoverthecrowd,passedaroundlikeapunkinthemoshpit.
Itwasn'tuntilthecheersuniedintoaloudandsteadychantthatwerealizedwhoitwas.
"JO-NO!
JO-NO!
JO-NO!
"theycried,andheoatedovertheirheadshowlingwithdelight,relaxedasaragdollatthehandsofhisfriendsandclassmates.
JonowasfromMaineandwasinthesameclassasmeandCharlesandNadia.
HespokeLatin,grewmarijuanainhiscloset,tutoredatthelocalelementaryschool,andwasknowntowhipupbatchesofDanishcrepeslateatnight.
Hehadlostthreenger-tipstofrostbiteasachildandhadoneslightlydiscoloredfronttooththatcrookedendearinglyoveritsneighbor.
Heneverhadagirlfriendatschool,butwefoundoutlaterthathe'dbeentheJono,anElegy175objectofmorethanjustmymidwinterfantasies.
ItwasdifculttoimagineJonotouchingdownlongenoughtoreallygethimselfenmeshedwithanyone.
HewaslikeaTigger:hedidn'twalk;hebounced.
Hepissedsomepeopleoff,too,withhislackadaisi-cal,what's-a-scheduleunreliableways.
Jonowasacandle:youwouldn'twanttorelyonhimasyouronlysourceoflight,anditprobablywouldn'tbetoosafetoleavehimhomealone,buthismerepresencewasenoughtoturnadarkeneddormroomintoawondrousdenofickeringsparksanddancingshadows.
Ididkisshimonce.
ItwasFebruary,senioryear.
NadiaandIsharedanapartmentintownaboveageneralstorethatmadeitsownfudgeandribboncandyandrealdonutswhichwe'dbuy,hot,lateatnightaswecameinfromthelibrary.
CharleswasstudyingatOxfordfortheyear,andheandNadweremakingfutileandpaltryattemptstoplaytheproverbialeldbeforehecamebackandtheygotmarriedandstayedtogetherforeverlikeevery-onehadalwaysknowntheywould.
ItwasaFridaynight,andIclompedupthereescapestepsthatservedasourentrance,kick-ingsnowdowntothealleybelowinsoftplops,ahotdonutineachmittenedhand.
IknockedatthedoorwithmybootforNadiatoopenup,andwhenshecametothedoorinablackbeadedshift,hereyeslinedinkohl,earsclippedwithrhinestones,Istuckado-nutather.
"We'regoingout,"sheannounced.
Ipushedpasther.
"You,mydear,maybegoingout,"Isaid,powderedsugarmeltingintomyteeth.
"Imyselfamquitedis-tinctlyonthewayin.
""N-n-n-n-n-no,"Nadiatrilled,blockingmybeelineforthecouch.
Shesetherdonutdownonthetelevisionandnowpluckedminefrommystill-mittenedpaw.
Istoodstillbeforeher,closedmyeyes,andopenedmymouthtogiveheronechancetoputthatdonutbackwhereitbelonged.
Insteadshegrabbedmyhandandpulledmeintomybedroom.
"There'sakissingpartyatEfgy,"shesaid,lettingmedownintoachairsoshecouldriethroughmycloset.
ShepulledoutthevelvethotpantsI'dwornforHalloweenandheldthemupfor176Jono,anElegymyconsideration.
"You'regoingtorevertintoavirginprettysoonifwedon'tstartgettingoutofthehousemoreoften,"shesaidandtossedmethehotpants.
"It'scoldoutthere!
"Iwhined.
"Comeon,"shecheered.
"Hupto.
It'sblacktie.
We'llpackshoes,wearboots,andchangewhenwegetthere.
"Ilookedatherlittlesilkenslip-dress.
"Nadia!
"Icried,"it'ssub-arcticoutthere.
You'llfreezeyournipplesoff!
""It'sbetterthanlettingthemdropofffromneglect.
"Shemo-tionedformetogetmoving.
"Iamnotwearinghotpantsoutinthemiddleofwinterwhenthere'stwofeetofsnowontheground!
"Iwailedfrommychair.
Nadia'sfacefell.
Shecrinkledhereyesandnoseupandmadehervoicesoundevenmorepitifulthanmine.
"Youreallydon'twanttogo"shewinced.
OfcourseIdidn'twanttogo.
ButIwasacollegesenior,stillghtinghardnottobethekindofpersonwhopassedupanorgyinvitationat11:30onaFridaynightinfavorofpowdereddonutsandTaxireruns.
"I'mnotchangingmyclothes,"Ideclared.
"Fine,ne,"shesaid.
"We'llndyouablackscarf.
.
.
"AndNadiawasbacktobusiness,plansintact,spiritsrestored.
WetrekkedouttoEfgythroughthesnow,Nadiapromisingwe'dndsomeonetodriveushomelater,meconsolingmyselfthatatleastJonowouldbethere,realizingatthesametimethathewastheonlyreasonI'drelentedtoNadiaatall.
Inside,Efgywasgloriouslywarmthatnight,twinklingwithwhiteChristmaslights,astringofredchilipepperbulbsoutlin-ingthedoorway.
Everyonewasbeautiful,decked-outandele-gant,andNadiastrippedoffherlayers—sweatpants,thermals,woolsocks,afuzzyblueneckwarmer—untilshewasoneofthem,swirlingoffintotheshimmeringcrowd.
Ihungmyskijacketoverachairandtappedthesnowfrommyboots.
Thefes-tivitieswereinfullswing,everyonedrunk,thewineboxesempty,andnobeertobefound.
OnamakeshiftbarfullofemptiesandmixersImanagedtondapartialfthofcheaprumwithwhichIslunkoffintoacornertotoastmyselfabitbeforeIbravedtheJono,anElegy177puckeringmasses.
BythetimeIjoined,they'dmovedfromSpintheBottleontosomegamethatinvolvedtakingoffoneshoeandtossingitintoacenterpileofsingleshoes.
Wethencircledthepile,likeinmusicalchairs.
Whenthemusicstopped,everyonegrabbedforashoeandwenthuntingforitsownertotradeakissforitsreturn.
IttookmeacoupleroundstogureoutwhichwereJono'sandquiteafewmorebeforeImanagedtograbthecorrectblackwing-tipinthechaoticscramble.
Myheadspun.
Ispottedhimacrosstheroomtryingtopeddleapatentleatherpumpandstartedtohobbleover,outofkilterinonlyoneboot.
Somethingknockedmeonthearmhalfwayacrosstheoor,andNadiapresentedmewithmyothersnowboot,peckedmeonthelips,andspunbackintothecrowd.
IfeltlikeIhadrumthumpingthroughmyheartinsteadofblood.
Ijustwantedtokisshimsohe'drememberit,forminetobedifferentfromthehundredotherkisseshegotthatnight.
Foronemoment,Ithought,IcouldstepoutofthegameandkissJonoforreal.
Abonk-on-the-headkiss.
Maybethensomewhereinhimatinylightbulbwouldgoon,andhe'dwakeupthenextmorningfeelingalittleheavierinhisskin,moregroundedinhisstep,andhe'dcometondme,nally,andchangemylifeinsomeoddandinconceivableway.
Imarchedup,droppedmyboottotheoor,andstuckthewing-tipintohishands.
Thatgoofygrinbrokeacrosshisfacelikethewholethingjusttickledhimtodeath,andhedroppedtheshoeandstuckhisfacetowardme,eyesshut,handsclaspedbehindhisback,lipspuckereduplikeGeorgiePorgie.
Butthatwasn'tthekindofkissIwanted.
Iputmylipstohis,gentlyatrst,toopenthem,softenhimoutofthestupidpucker-pose.
Iedgedmybodyin,forcinghistostraightenup,andIranmyhandsinsistentlyfromhisshoulderstohiswristsuntilI'dpulledhishandsapartandbroughtthemtomyhips.
Ineededtopullthatkissawayfromitscontext—awayfromthegame,thescene,fromeverythingthathadledtothatpointofcontact—inordertomakeitthekisswithJonoIwantedittobe.
IkissedJonoasifhewerethelastmanI'deverkiss.
TheonlymanI'deverkissagain.
WhenIpulledback,hiseyeswerequizzical,andhissmirkbrokewideintoagrin.
HelookedatmelikeI'djusttoldhimajokethatdidn'tmakeawhitofsense,andhelaughedinbewilder-178Jono,anElegyment.
"Thatwasweird,"hesaid,andheclappedmeonthebackandwanderedbackintothefrayforyetanotherroundofmix'n'matchmusicalshoes.
IwasonlyatEfgyonemoretime,monthslater,foragradua-tionparty,oneinastringofCommencementWeekbashes.
There'snotreallymuchtotell.
Someonehadgottenamotorcycleforgraduation.
Jonohadn'tevenhadthatmuchtodrink,he'djustbeenJono:ranthestopsignatthecornerofCollegeandMain,hitthepassengersideofabigold-ladysedanwhosedriverwasshakenbutnothurt,andwentyingoverthehood,morethanthirtyfeet,throughtheair.
LongenoughthatIcouldnothelpbutthinkhe'dhavehadtimetounderstandwhatwashappening.
Andit'sthisthatIstillthinkabout.
Inthatmoment,wasJonoafraidDidherealizeasheewthroughtheairthathewasgoingtohittheasphaltwithaforcethatwouldshattereveryboneinhistwenty-twoyearoldbodyDidheknowthathewasabouttodieOrmaybe—andthisiswhatI'vehoped,whatI'veprayed,forJono'ssake—inthosenalseconds,washestilljusttheJonohehadalwaysbeenTheJonowhowouldhavesailedthroughthatearlysummernight,theairwarmandalivewithcricketsandcelebration,livingonlyinthatmoment,knowingnothingbutthethrillofightThisiswhatItellmyself:hehadnoreasontobeafraid.
Hehadneverknowntheuncompromisingresistanceoftheground.
Jono,anElegy179TheGirlatChichénItzáWhenIlandinthehospitalforthethirdand-naltime,myparentstakeavacationtoMexico.
Iweighsixty-eightpoundsandhaveastripofsatisfyingbruisesthatspanthelengthofmyspinecausedbynothingmorethansittinginachairorleaningagainstawall.
Resistanttoaidandalarminglyadeptatrelapse,Iamsenttoatough-loveclinicwherefromIamper-mittednocontactwiththeoutsideworlduntilIhavejumpedtherequisitehoopsandhurdlesandprovenmyselfreadyforreinte-grationintosocietyatlarge.
Thisincarcerationishardestonmyparents,who'veputmehere,ableonlytoseethesicknessofmysicknessandblindtothegloryandthetriumphI'veachieved.
Theirloveformeiserce,buttheirthinkingparadigmatically180narrow:WhathavewedoneWheredidwegowrongTheguilthangsfromtheirbodieslikewaterloggedsmocks.
Ourfamilyisashipwreck,aruin.
Myroommateand"peerguardian"attheclinicisagirlnamedSuewhoinsistshernameisSioux.
Siouxismyshadowandmyguide.
She'sbeeninforayear,grownbreasts,gottenbackonherperiod,andisnearlyreadytoheadhome.
Iamthelastphaseofherinpatienttreatment;sheistherstofmine.
Bluntly,I'vebeendeemedunttocareformyself,andthatresponsibilityhasbeenhandedovertoSioux,whotakesonelookatmeandsaysinherNorthCarolinatwinge,"Honey,IlookedbadwhenIshowedup,butIdon'tthinkIeverlookedasbadasyou.
"Thisiscertaintes-tamenttoherwellness:shecanadmitnotonlythatIamskinnierbutthatI'mskinnierthanshe'severbeen.
Iamhugelycomfortedtoknowthis.
ForthenextmonthSiouxwillnotbeallowedtoleavemysideorletmeoutofhersight.
Icrythroughthenightsmyrsttwoweeks;days,Siouxtrailsmearound,hereyessunkeninsleepdep-rivation.
Sheisreturning,throughme,totheselfshehaslivedbeyond,yetshedoesn'tslipbackin,backunder.
Siouxcantakeonmyillnessandretainherhealth.
TheyloveSiouxattheclinic.
She'sasuccess.
MyparentsytoCancún,apristinestripofbeachengulfedbyhigh-risehotelssentuponeafteranotherasiftheonlygoalinbuildingwastoblockthelastguy'sview.
Myparentsloathesuchplacesbutaretooexhaustedtotakeavacationthey'llenjoy.
Weareexistingonafarmoreelementalplane.
Cancúnisnotforthefunofpoolsidedaiquirisandorangesunsets;itisnecessity.
We'rejustworkingonsurvivalatthisjuncture.
"Ihatepeople,"mymotherdeclares,crankingdownthebackofherchaiselounge.
Awomanwithacarcinogenictanstrutsbyinawhitecrochetedthong.
Eyebrowsriseinalarmasafurryman,hisballspouchedinapurplespandexsling,jogsentreatinglyafterher.
"Peoplearerepugnant,"myfathersays.
Hecloseshiseyes.
WithindaysmyparentshatethemselvesasmuchasanyoneTheGirlatChichénItzá181elseatthehotel.
"Canwetakeavacationfromourvacation"myfatherwonders.
Theyareonthesixth-oorlandingontheirwaytodinner.
Abelldingsandaredarrowblinkson,pointingtotheground.
"Ele-vatortohell,"saysmymother.
"Allin!
Goingdown!
"TheytravelthreehoursbyschoolbustotheruinsatChichénItzá.
Themiddaysunisscathing,andheatwavesripplebeforetheireyeslikedelusions.
Mymother'slinenshortsstickinsis-tentlytothebackofherlegs.
Theopenbuswindowsblowdustfromtheruttedroad,coveringthepassengersinanegraylmthatmakesmyfatherthinkofvolcanicaftermathsandatomicfallout.
Mymotherrestsherheadonhishotshoulderasiftosleepbutnevercloseshereyes.
Aroundthem,cheeryandchippertravelerstwitterwithfriendliness—Sowhere'reyouallfromYoudon'tsayJustdownfortheweekMilwaukee,yousay.
Consulting'smyeld.
Marketing.
Threegrandchildren.
Oh,justone.
Beautifulasthesky.
.
.
Myparentsspeaktonoone.
"Ithink,"mymothersayswithouteventhepretenseofawhisper,"thatIabhorhumankind.
"Myfatherkissesthecrownofherdustyhair.
Onarrivalmyparentsescapetheirrepressibletourandstrikeoutontheirown.
ChichénItzáisbeigeandgray,sandandrock.
Itisastheyfeel:old,partiallyrestored,partiallyunexcavated.
Mymotherstopsattherestroomandmyfatherwaitsforheroutsidebeneathanoverhangofshade.
Theladies'roomisshadowyinmymother'ssunstruckeyes,andittakesheramomenttoadjust,blotsofturquoiseandcirclesoforangecloudinghervision.
Insidethestallsherestsherfaceinherhands.
Asshemakesherwaytothesinksshehearswaterrunning.
Mymotherglancesup,andthefacethatmeetshersinthemir-roredbathroomwallismyface.
Mymothercannothelpbutgape,cannottakehereyesfromthemirror.
Thegirlsmilesquickly,a182TheGirlatChichénItzátourist'ssmile,curtandofciousbutnotunkind.
Itismysmile;itcausesmymothertochokeonherown.
Thegirlshutsherwaterfaucet,turnstogo.
Mymotherstaresintothemirroratherretreatinggure.
ShewearsaT-shirtandalongstretchyskirt.
Itisclearfromhersneakersandherback-pack—bothbigandneon-colored—thatsheisEuropean.
Acrossthebackpack,writteninwhiteplasticblockletters,isanodoffor-eignworshipforeverythingAmerican:IT'SCOOL!
Aashoflightfromthedoortooutside,andthegirlisgone.
Mymotherleavesthesinktofollowher,stopsamomentbe-foreopeningthedoorinpreparationfortheshockofbright.
Hereyesbalkatthesky,scramblingtoadjust,mymotherforamo-mentblinded.
Whenhervisionclearsshelookstotheshadywallwhereshehasleftmyfather,butheisgone.
Shepansthesprawlingcourt-yardandspotshimthereacrossthepath,followinginthewakeofthetouristgirllikeamanwalkinginhissleep.
Mymotherrunstocatchuptohimandgrabsathisshirtsleevefrombehind.
With-outinterruptinghisstridehescoopsanarmaroundhershouldersandpullsherintowardhishotbody,andtheywalktogetherquicklylikethis,athree-leggedraceatacarnivalgame.
MyparentsmisseverythingatChichénItzá:theTempleoftheThreeWarriors,thePlatformofVenus,theGreatBallCourt,theTempleoftheBeardedMan.
TheypassbytheNunnerywithitsfamousWallofSkulls;theyskipthesnail-shapedobservatoryanddon'tclimbthesteepstairwaytotheTempleoftheJaguar.
EventheKukulcángoespracticallyunnoticed,itspyramidrisingeightyfeetfromtheground,fourightsofninety-onestepslead-ingtothepinnacleplatform,onestepforeverydayoftheyear,aserpent'sheadguardingthebaseofeachsteepstaircase.
Mypar-entsareinterestedonlyinthegirl.
Mymothersays,"It'snotAmanda.
""Iknow,"saysmyfather.
Theykeepfollowing.
TheGirlatChichénItzá183Chac,theMayanraingod,issaidtohavelivedintheSacredCenote,awellattheendoftheSacredWay.
MyparentsfollowthegirldownthispathtothewellwherechildrenweresacricedtoChacinprayerandforpromiseofrain.
Duringtherstex-ploratorydivesintothewellintheearlyyearsofthiscentury,theskeletonsofasmanyasftychildrenweredredgedupfromthemuddywaterwheretheirbonesswamamongofferingstothegod:jade,copper,andevengold.
Asthegirlapproachesthewell,myparentsseeherraisebotharmsaboveherhead,slowly,asifinprayer,shieldinghereyesfromthesunasshepeersaroundthesacredsite.
Andthenshestops,relaxes,beginstowaveherarmsintheair:agreetingthatfrombehind,wheremyparentsstandxedintheirtracks,lookslikethenish-linesignalofadragraceorarunwaysignforland-ingplanes.
Besidethecenoteisanoutdoorcafe,tablesandum-brellassetupontheplaza,anditistowardoneofthesetablesthatthegirltakesoff.
Therearenomorechairs,andthegirlperchesonthelapofoneofhertravelingcompanions,ayoungmanwear-ingsimilarlyloudtennisshoesandafunnyhatthatlookslikeabeanie.
Awaitercomesbyandexchangeswordsandhandmo-tionswiththegirl;sheglancesaround,pointstoahalf-emptyglassonthetable,andnodsherhead,smilingvehemently.
Sheleansinandstealssomethingfromherfriend'splate.
Awomanontheothersideofthetableliftsherownplateandnudgesherneighbortopassitalongtothegirl,whoclearssomespacebeforeherandacceptsherfriend'sleftovers.
Sheistalkingasshereachesforcondiments,laughing,shakingredsauceontotheplate.
Themanwhoselapshe'sonreachesupandsmoothsthegirl'sponytailbehindherback,leansinandkissesabsentlythesideofherneck,notneedingtopaysomuchattention,thegestureasfamil-iartohimasthegirl.
Myparentsscurryacrosstheyardandtakeseatsatanothertablenearby.
IfthewaiterapproachestheywillorderCokes,oraguamineral,whichtheymayormaynotdrink.
Thethingthatquellsthemmostrightnowistowatchasthisgirltakesalongsipfromatallstripedstraw.
184TheGirlatChichénItzáTheEstateNooneknewwhoownedtheEstate,butwespentmanylongJulyeveningsonthescreenporchoftheCarriageHouse,watchingmothsickeratthecitronellacandles,inventingelaborateancestries.
Weconjuredprolesofeccentricoldmillion-aireswholivedintrailerhomesinArkansasandsubsistedoncannedsardinesbutsecretlyheldthedeedtothesprawlinglandtrustwhichmyparentsandtheirfriends—teachersandartistsfromNewYorkCity—calledtheirsummerhome.
SomeoftheCarriageHousecrewhadbeenrentingtherefornearlytwentyyears.
ChecksweremadeouttoIslandProperties,arealestatecompanythatmanagedtheEstate,andnooneeverknewintowhataccountthatmoneywaseventuallydeposited.
Butrentwas185cheap,andwedidn'tasktoomanyquestionsforfearofrockingaboatwewantedtokeepoatingin.
AsakidIbelievedthattheEstatewasanoldgovernmentspycamp:therewasacrumblingstonewallattheshorelinethatoncemusthavebarricadedthebeach,andwefoundguncapsburiedinthesand.
Ifyoucuppedyourlipsright—overtherim—andblew,theymadeasound,lowandhollow,likeafoghorn.
AfewrentersinsistedthatWarholwasbehindtheEstatesomehow,buteveryoneagreedthatwhateveritsorigins,theEstatewasahaven.
Eachsummerweedthecityforthatspitoflandonthattinyislandofftheeasternshorewhereourparentscouldspendtheirdaysvolleyinglazytennisballsontheweed-coveredcourtsunderacanopyoftreesandpassawaytheeveningssippingginandton-icsontheGreatLawn.
Fromcanvasdeckchairs,whosenauticalmotifswerefadedandfrayed,theywatchedasthesunsetandtheirchildrenbecamesilhouettesonthehorizon.
Thereweresomanykidsthatthegrown-upsletuslookoutforeachother.
Weranaroundallsummerlongasashouting,salty-skinned,knotty-haired,sun-bleachedgang.
Weclimbedtrees,swamintheoldgoldshpond,didcannonballsoffthecrumblingpier,andplayedhideandseekintheFormalGardensamidstivy-coveredpillarsandchippedmarblegargoyles.
WesleptinourbathingsuitseveryyearfromMaytoSeptember.
TheEstatewasvast:sprawlinggreenlawnsandmeander-inggravelpathslinkingasmatteringofresidentialbuildings.
SummerrenterslodgedmostlyintheCarriageHouseortheoldServants'Quarters.
Acoupleusuallytooktheone-roomHoney-moonCottagedownbythebeach.
TheMainHousealwaysre-mainedlocked.
Onesummer,myyoungersisterBelleandIsnuckinthroughaslitinawindowscreenwhichwehelpedalongwithaparingknifefromtheCarriageHousekitchen.
Ithinkweex-pectedasceneoutofDickens—agreatsummerbuffetgonetodustandmaggotsonthediningroomtable,aspectralproprietressinanold-fashionedbathingcostumerallyingherghost-guestsforadipinthesound.
Weweredisappointed.
Thehousewasva-cant,sweptclean,andthoughitwasstuffyandsmelledlikethesea(saltandbrine,whichmademethinkofsunkenshipsandbur-iedtreasure),itwasnothingmorethananemptyhouse.
Noclues,186TheEstatenocorpses,nosquatters,nothieves.
Justahousethatnobodylivedin.
MyfatherwasapaintingprofessoratNYU,MommanagedagalleryonGreeneStreet,andneitherofthemlikedthecity.
Theyprobablywouldhavegone"backtotheland"—retreatedtoVer-montorMaine—wereitnotfortheartcultureandcommu-nitythatonlyNewYorkoffered.
Theyappeasedthemselveswiththree-monthsummersinthecountry.
Mom,Dad,Belle,andIstayedintheconvertedCarriageHouse.
Itsleptaroundfteen,alwaysacrowdofartistsfromthecity,somyparentsreallygotthebestofbothworlds.
TherewasBarb-Jean,asopranowhoworeoweredmuumuusandwouldnotspeakfordaysatatimewhenshewasonvocalrest.
Whatshehadtosayshewroteonlittlescrapsofpaperinstead.
Whenwecleanedthehousetocloseitdownattheendoftheseasonwe'dndfragmentsofconversationstuckbetweenthecouchcushionsandtuckedintokitchendraw-ers:howmanypeoplehowmanyearsPortugueseonhermoth-er'ssideIthink,Sot—5letters—endsinay.
Once,onthebackofaScrabblescoresheetleftinthebox,werecovered,initsentirety,herpartofarainynightconversationwhichincludedtheaddressofawigmakerinBrooklynandarecipeforblackenedsnapper.
Barb-Jean'shusband,Patrick,hadbeenacellistwiththeNewYorkPhilharmonicformanyyearsbuthadretiredtosellantiques—eyeglassesandhatpinsandotherlittleaffectationsofattire—ataeamarketonColumbusAvenueeverySundayinthefall,winter,andspring.
Summers,heneverlefttheEstate.
"Theworldcangetalongwithoutmother-of-pearlcuff-linksforafewmonths,"hewouldsay.
Yearslater,longafterbothPatrickandmyfatherweregone,mymothertoldmethatinthoseearlyyearsshe'dalwayssuspectedPatrickofsecretlyowningtheEs-tatehimself.
"Hewassosecretive,"shesaid,"hadthatcreepybusinesssense,likesomeonewho'sspenthislifeinvestinginlandscamsoroilrigsinMalaysiaorsomething.
"Asitturnedout,theonlycausePatrickhadeveractuallygivenmoneytowasPBS,andhehadaChannel13totebagtoproveit.
TheAuerbachs—YvonneandSteven,painters—hadtwosons,AaronandPete.
Aswegrewup,BelleandIplayedmanyagameofWho'sTooChickentoTouchWhoWherewiththeAuerbachTheEstate187brothersinourhideoutunderahugepinethatwassurroundedbyrhododendronbushes.
Weeggedeachotheronuntilthetimecamewhennoonewastoochickentotouchanyoneanywhereandthatgamelostitsthrill.
UnlikeWhoOwnstheEstatewhichnooneeverseemedtotireof.
Janetwasasoft-voicedblondwhowrotechildren'sstories,haddonereallywellwithaseriesoftinybookscalledTheLilyChronicles,namedforherdaughter.
Eachbookcamewithapieceoflittle-girldress-upjewelry:pastenecklacesandplasticcameobrooches.
Lilyherself,wethought,hadaboutasmuchsubstanceasacardboardtiara.
Therestofuswouldbeoffinthewoodsandgardens,enactingourepicadventures:runawayorphanseludingcapturebyateamofvengefulMissHannigans;Indiansprotectingourislandfromcolonizationbythewhitemenwhosebattleshipsoatedstealthilyjustoffshore.
Lilystayedbythehouse,shoot-ingatdigitalblipsonherpocketGameboy.
Shedidn'tunderstandourkindofplay,andthefeelingwasquitemutual.
MyfavoriteCarriageHousekidwasMaris,theonlychildofasculptordadandastockmarketanalystmom,Elaine,whotookthetrainoutweekendsfromthecitytojoinHarryandMarisattheEstate.
MarisworeenormousT-shirtsfromhermom'sofcesoftballteam(theHewitt,TulberandDeSalvoNumber-Crunchers)andhadcrazy-curlyblackhairthatshekeptinatightpoofofapigtailhighonherhead.
Shewasfouryearsmysenior,playedtheute,andlefttheEstatefortwoweekseveryAugusttogotomusiccampinMichigan.
IthoughtshewasthecoolestpersonIhadevermet,notcountingDelia.
Deliawasanastound-inglyspry,white-hairedwomanwhocookedprunecompotes,woreatwo-piecebathingsuitwithenormousdaisiesembroideredonit,andtolduslong,ramblingstoriesofherchildhoodinRus-sia.
IthoughtDeliahadtobejustabouttheneatestpersonever.
Intheeveningswhenitgottoodarkforustokeepplayingfreezetagonthelawnandalltheadultswerestillsittingaroundtheporchatthedinnertable,wecamebackinsideforDelia'sstory.
Thetablewouldbepiledhighwithcorncobs,blueberrypiestainssoakingintothehandwovenGuatemalanplacemats.
Wecurledintoourparents'lapsoratthefeetoftheirchairs,lickedthevanillaicecreamandpiecrumbsfromtheirspoons,andlis-188TheEstatetened.
Deliahadlivedthroughawar.
Shehadwatchedthemensheknewgoofftoghtandneversawmostofthemagain.
Herowngrandfather,inordertoavoidconscription—thatwasthewordsheused:"conscription"—intothearmy,drankaquartofwhitevinegareverysingleday.
"Itdamagedhisheart,"shetoldusintheaccentthatalwaysseemedtogrowmorepronouncedwhenshespokeofherchild-hood,asiftotellthestoriesshehadtoreturn,inaway,toDne-propetrovsk(whichIlovedtotrytosay:Dnepropetrovsk!
),theRussiantowninwhichshewasbornin1906.
"Thevinegardam-agedhisheartsobadly,"shesaid,"thathewasrejectedfromtheservice,themilitary.
Sohedidn'tgotothewar.
Hewashome.
Hediedathomeinsteadbecauseheinjuredhishearttotheextentthattheywouldn'ttakehimtothewar,buthecouldn'tlastlong.
Thosearethethingsthathappenedandthosearethethingsthatmadeimpressionsonme.
"Deliawouldpause,lookingofflikeshehadgone,foramoment,toanotherplace,farfromtheCar-riageHouse,farfromourislandEstate.
Ourparentshuggedusincloser,sippedtheircoffee.
Mymotherputherhandonmyfather,justtofeelhisbodystillnexttoherinhischair.
Delia'sstorieswereoverwhenshe'dgetupsuddenlyfromherchairandstartclearingthedishes.
Theadultscompliedwithherexample,andinamomenteverythingwaslostinahubbubofclinkingdishesandsilverwareandlet-me-get-thats.
Istoodholdingontotheedgeofthetable,theadultsswirlingandhoveringallaround,untilsome-onestuckabucketofcornhusksinmyhandsandaskedmetogocompost.
Delia'sstorieswereunbelievabletousinthattheywerecom-pletelytrue.
Wewerechildrenofcomfort:fruitroll-upsinourlunchbags,subscriptionsinourownnamestoHighlightsmaga-zine("Funwithapurpose!
"itsaidonthecover,whichIreadas"Funwithaporpoise!
"untillongafterIhadmovedontoSeven-teen).
Wewerechildrenwhomadeupfancifulgames:ingeniouscomparedtoLily'sGameboybuttameasMonopolyincontrastwiththelifethatDeliahadactuallylived.
WespentoneentiresummerdownatthebeachplayingRussianRevolutiononthecrumblingstonedebris.
Ourimaginarywalkie-talkieconversa-tionsconsistedmostlyoftheword"nyet"andvariationsontheTheEstate189pronunciationofDelia'shometown,fortheseweretheonlywordsweknewinRussian.
Welikedtokeepourgamesasau-thenticaspossible.
Myfatherhadcancer.
Weknewthatfromthestart.
Butitwasn'tthesix-months-and-you're-gonekindofcancer.
Barb-Jeanknewsomeonewho'dbeeninremissiontwentyyearswithHodgkin'sdisease.
Myfatherhadbeendiagnosedearly,he'dgonethroughchemo,losthishair,hisbulk,hisbody.
Hehadbeenaswimmerinhisyouth:62,andhestillhadthethickestshockofblackhairyou'veeverseen,notastrandofgray,andnotastrandanywhereonhisbodybesideshishead.
Myfatherwassleekasadolphin.
Hewasbeautiful,andhewasstrong.
Itwasthesechar-acteristicswhichseemedtocompoundeveryone'ssenseoftrag-edy.
IfeltlikeIwastheonlypersonwhoneverfoundhisstrengthtragicatall.
Ithoughtitwastheluckiestthingintheworld.
Ifanyoftheothershadhadcancer(StevenAuerbach,say,withhispro-fessor'spaunchandMallomarhabit;orMaris'sdad,Harry,who'dprobablylostmorecellstoLSDinhisyouththanmyfatherlosttochemotherapy),theirbodieswouldhavegivenintoitasifdrowning:they'dstopailingandletthewaterclosein.
Myfa-therwasaswimmer,tooalivetodie.
ThatsummerafterthechemowasthesummerwediscoveredtheHideout.
TheadultsseemedtobeperpetuallybusycaringforDadorforBelle,stillababy.
Weolderkids,lefttoourownde-vices,spentthesummerexploringeverygardenpathandbackstairwaytheEstatehadtooffer.
OneafternoonduringagameofhideandseekIcrawledunderarhododendronbushdownbytheHoneymoonCottage.
WhenIcamethroughonthefarsideoftheshrubIfoundmyselfinalittleclearingatthebaseofapinetree.
Thebranchesdidn'tbeginuntilafewfeetabovemyhead,sothespacearoundthetrunkwasalittlealcove.
Itwasdeeplyshaded;noplantscouldgrow.
Thegroundwasdustedwithdrypineneedles,anditwassoftandcool.
Noonecouldseeinfromtheoutsidethroughthethickrhododendrons.
Itwastheperfecthideout,andweguessedwewerenotthersttouseitasone.
190TheEstate"Ibetit'stheowner's,"Aaronsaid.
"Ibetthisiswherehestays,watchingus.
"Hegrinneddevilishly.
"Shutup,"Petesnapped.
Helookedalittlescared.
"Yeah,"Isaid.
"Anyway,it'sourhideoutnow.
"InsidethepineclearingwewereMedicineWomen,evenAaronandPete,andwesetouttohealmydad.
WescurriedaroundtheEstatecollectingowersandleavesinoldplasticyogurtcontain-ers.
InthestillnessoftheHideout,withmortarsandpestlesofrockandclamshell,wegroundhoneysuckle,dandelion,andwildchivesandsetthepulpinthesuntosteepinwater-lledmasonjars.
WebroughtourconcoctiontoDad'scouchonthescreenporch.
Ipouredsomeintoateacupforhimandhesippedit,mak-ingsuretostickouthispinkienger.
Hegrinnedthenandhiseyessparkledthewaytheyhadwhenhewaswell.
"Ifeelbetteralready,"hesaid.
Daddidstarttofeelbetterthatsummer,mostlythankstoDelia,whokneweverythingtherewastoknowabouthealthandlovedmyfathertoomuchtolethimstaysick.
Deliabelievedinvitamins.
ShekeptallherbottlesinasuitcasewhichIfoundfas-cinatingasajewelrybox.
Thereweretinyroundpills,atandchalky;hugeoval-shapedonesspeckledlikerobins'eggs;shinybrownoil-lledcapsuleswhichgleamedlikepolishedamber.
Deliatookabouttwentydifferentonesaftereachmeal.
Shelaidthemoutinasaucerbyherplaceatthetable.
Whenthemealwasover,thekidwhowassittingnexttoDeliagottopresideoverhervitamintaking,placingthepillsonebyoneintoDelia'sopenhandforhertoswallow,eachwithasipofmilk.
Weracedoneanothertothetablejusttositbyher.
WhenDeliagotDadstartedonavi-taminregime,heletoneofusdolehispillsouttohimtoo.
Thenwekidswouldgoofftocatchsalamandersorcollectbeachglass,andwhenwecamebackinside,DadandDeliawouldstillbeatthetable,talkingabouthealthandbalanceandwholeness.
Deliamighthavebeenold,butshehadmorespunkthananyone.
Everymorningsheateabowlofoatmealbigenoughforsix,andsheplayedtennisandvolleyballwiththerestofus.
I'doverheardtheadultstalkingabouthowDeliahadoncecuredherselfofsomeawfuldiseasethroughvitaminsandgoodnutritionandexercise.
Andwill,mymothersaid,willtolive.
TheEstate191WestayedattheEstatethroughthewinterthatyear;justusandDelia,whodidn'thaveanyjobtogobackto.
Mymothertookaleaveofabsencefromthegalleryandtaughtmeathomeinsteadofsendingmetoschool.
MostlyIreadanddidalotofartprojects.
IrememberDeliainthehousecookingallthetime—enormoussaladsandbigpotsofbulgurandbarley.
Thevitaminshadawholecabinettothemselvesbythen.
MyfatherspentalotoftimebythereplacereadingherbbooksandartbookstohimselfandDr.
SeussbookstoBelle.
MymotherandfathertooklongwalksaroundtheEstateeveryday.
Dadputonsomeweight.
Hiseyeslaughedagain.
Byspringhewasstrongenoughtowork.
Hesaidhefeltvital.
Hepaintedeverydayforvemonths,andwhenweleftafterLaborDaythenextsummertoreturntoourlivesinNewYork,heseemed,forallwecoulddiscern,tohavebecomethemanhehadoncebeen.
"Remission,"theytoldus.
Noonecouldsayhowlongitwouldlast.
Whenmyfatherwashealthy,itwasnearlyimpossibletoimaginethathemighteverbesickagain.
WecamebacktotheEstateeverysummer.
Inmymemory,eachblursintothenext:justonelong,lazy,Augusthammockdreamofbarbecuesandlate-afternoonvolleyballgames,walkingbacktothehousefromthebeachonthegravelpaths,soakinginthesun'sheatthroughthesolesofourfeetastheairarounduscooledtoevening.
SomedaysDadwokeusupbeforedawntogoshingoffthepier,andonweekendswe'ddrivetoyardsalesat8a.
m.
togetrstpickatthegoodstuff.
Onrainydayswe'dcolorandmakecollagesoutofoldmagazineswefoundintheattic.
MomwouldfeedusDoritosandgarliccheeseandthefriedbo-lognaweadored,andDadwouldcastadisparagingglanceandsayinbothmockandactualdisapproval,"Hannah,howcanyouletthemeatthatstuff"Heputawayabowlofmorningoatmealbig-gerthanDelia'snowandswamwithuskidsinthebayeveryday,nomattertheweather.
WeplayedGIJoeatthewatertowerfort,tossedbreadcrumbstothegoldshweboughttopopulatethepoolsintheFormalGardens,suckedhoneysuckleblossoms,andsunbathedontheroof.
Dadhelpedusbuildkites,andweewthemontheGreatLawn.
Bellegrewup.
SodidI.
Faceschanged,butthespiritoftheEstateremainedthesame.
InjuniorhighIstartedgoingtosleepawaycampforhalfthesummer.
ByhighschoolIwantedtostayinthecityandscoop192TheEstateHagen-Dazslikeallmyfriends.
SometimesI'dtakethetrainouttotheislandtospendaweekendandseetheCarriageHousecrew.
Itwasniceforafewdays,butIlikedtogetbacktothecity,tomyfriends,myjob.
Thatwaswheremylifewas.
IdidleaveNewYorkCityinordertogotocollegeinanother:Chicago.
IwasacceptedatasmalluniversitywhereIcouldstudyartandmadethemovemidwest.
Ilikedschool,evenlikedChi-cago,thoughitwasn'tNewYork,andadaptedprettyquicklyandhappilyintocollegelife.
Ispokewithmyparentsonthephoneeveryfewweeks.
Dadwasstillteaching,andMomwasstillatthegallery.
Bellewasstartinghighschool.
MyfatherdiedinApril.
Hewasathome,andwewerealltherewithhim.
Ileftschoolwithoutnishingthesemesterandre-turnedtoNewYork.
Deliacametoo,fromwhereveritwasshespentherwinters.
She'dgottenmyparentsthroughtheirinitialcrisisyearsbefore,andalthoughthistimetherewasnothingmoreshecoulddotohelpmyfather,itwasDelia,Ithink,whokeptMomfromgoingwithhim.
Myparentshadmetatasum-merartsprogramwhentheywereseventeen.
Foraslongasmymotherhadfunctionedintheadultworld,shehaddonesowithmyfather.
Whenhedied,whatDeliaofferedtoMomwascontin-uum.
Deliashowedherhowyoukeepgoingwhenyou'velostsomeoneyoucan'tlivewithout.
Afterthefuneral,IwentbacktoChicago.
Iimmersedmyselfinwork,tooksummerclasses,spentwholenightsatthestudio,painting,tryingtodowhathehaddone:liveliferightnow.
Ispoketomymotheroften;shewasoutattheEstatewithDelia,andBelle,andeveryone.
Itwasafullhouse,butstill,theEstateseemedenormouswithDaddygone:somuchemptyspace.
ThestoriesafterdinnerwerenotofRussiaanylonger;noonespentidlehoursinextravagantconjectureabouttheownershipoftheEstate.
Theyspokeofourfather,Belletoldme.
Theymissedhim.
Flavorsweredulled,mymothersaid;everythingwaswatereddown:thesweetcorn,fruitpies,freshscallopsfromtheislandshmarket.
Still,lifewasgoingon.
BelleandIwroteoccasionally,anditsoundedlikeshe'dfoundsomepathsthroughtheEstateshecouldstillwalkwithhappiness.
ShewasspendingmostofhertimewithAaronAuerbach,whohadlovedourfatherand—hetoldher,andTheEstate193thenshetoldme—hadalwayslovedBelle.
ThefamiliarityofAaronandtheintimacyofthatrstlove—sleepingonthebeach,feelinganotherbodythatclose—madeitsomehowbearableforher.
Shewassad,shetoldmehesitantly,butsadinawaythatwassooverwhelmingitalmostfeltlikejoy.
Iunderstood,Ithought.
Sometimes,especiallywhenIwaspainting,Igotsooodedwithemotionthatthesensationofsadnesswasovertakenbythesen-sationofsensation.
Itmighthavebeendespair.
Itmighthavebeenbliss.
Ionlyfeltthelling.
ThewayIgurethings,Deliadidn'twanttomakeusallgothroughittwice.
We'donlyhavetospendonesummerinmourn-inglikethis,shemusthavethought,andthenwe'dbefree.
Nextsummer,thecornwouldneedtobesweetagain,theberriesburst-ingwithjuice,dayliliesasorangeasthesun,thebayaglory,theEstateahavenonceagainfromtherestoftheworld.
Deliadiedthewayshewouldhavewanted:itwasthemiddleofJuly,andshehadastrokeinthekitchenoftheCarriageHousewhilewashingthegreensforsupper.
Shealwaysmadeagreensalad.
IrememberwhensheandDadwouldeatthreeheadsoflettucebetweenthetwoofthem.
HergraveisintheeasterncorneroftheFormalGardensmarkedbyoneofHarry'ssculptures,asmallerworkinstone.
AtDelia'slawyers'request,thewholeCarriageHouseclan—Mom,Janet,theAuerbachs,Barb-JeanandPatrick,HarryandElaine—wenttothereadingofthewill.
Shehadnolivingrelatives,andtheEstatefamilycouldcertainlyhavebeenherown,iffamiliesweredeterminedbylove,notmerelyblood.
Soundinmindandbody,Delialefteverything—fourteenacres,thelawnsandgar-dens,thehouses,andpools,andbeaches—sheleftitalltous.
TheEstate,allthoseyears:itwashers.
Herwillmadeclearwhatshehadwantedustofeelallalong:thatitwasours.
Shehadlivedthereasshe'dwantedto,asoneofus,andshewantedtomakesurethatsummersattheEstatewouldcontinuelongaftershewasgone.
ThattheCarriageHousewouldkeeponsmellinglikeSalvationArmytweedcoats,pinecleanser,andgarlicrubbedintothetipsofyourngers.
Thatthescreenswouldalwayshaveholesmadebyloose-limbedchildrensothatthebugsmightforeverhurltheirbodiesatbedsidereadinglamps.
Thatsomeonewouldkeeptrackoftheerosionofthepier,watchasitgotshorterand194TheEstateshortereachseason,makejokesaboutitsdisintegrationintothebay.
Kidsandgrown-upswouldrunaroundhalf-dressed,drapedamptowelsovereverydoorandlawnchair,leaveScrabbletilesontopoftheradiooronashelfinthebathroomcabinet,soakcauldronsofchickpeasontheoldgasstove,andplantsprawlingtomatoplantsinwashtubsonthesunporch.
TheEstatewouldbeasithadalwaysbeen.
TheEstate195ABungalow,KohTaoPeaceCorpswasplatonic.
Twoofus,atinyrefu-geevillageoutsideMaeSotjustovertheThaiborderfromBurmawhereshellsraineddownnightlybeyondourcamp.
WherewouldwehavedoneitanywayOnyourbedrollintheschoolroom,Banchongononeside,Joeontheother,Van'shammockaboveswayingsidetosideashesnoredOratmyplaceAmongtheloomsinthePongyilahhouse,fourgenerationstuckedasleepamidstbrightcottonskeinsandthewovensacksthatweretheirlivelihoodThatwould'vebeencolorful.
Webarelysleptasitwas.
Twoyears.
Weneededeachothertoobadlytofuckitup—suchanappropriateterm,really.
AperfectexampleofwhatitisthatmakesEnglishsoimpossiblesometimes.
196Tofuckup:tohaveaninteractionwhichrendersallfurtherandfutureinteractionirrevocablyaltered.
InMaeSot,tofuckupwasaluxury.
Whenweweredone,weweredone.
Nothirdyear'sserviceextensions,nocontinuing.
Weweretired.
Therearethingsyounevergetusedto.
Weknewex-patswho'dbeeninThailandsinceVietnamwithoutasolidshit.
Twoyears.
Fifteenpoundsunder-weightandultimatelyofnogreatusetoanyone.
Wedidn'tregretanything—itwasn'tlikethat.
Wewerejusttired.
TheplanwastogobacktotheStatestorecoupandthensetoffagain,makeourselvesusefulinsomeotherpartoftheworld.
Butallthatwasvagueandobligatory.
Onecan'tverywellleavethePeaceCorpsandtakeajobatBlockbusterVideo.
Can'tleavethePeaceCorpswithnoclearervisionofone'slifethanonehadar-riving.
Wehadthinkingtodo.
Alot.
Butwecouldn'tmakeourselvesgo.
We'dthoughtthat'swhatwewanted.
Buthomewasalmostintangiblebythen.
WhatifwegotthereandgrewbackintoAmericans,cushyandslowWhatifwegotthereandcouldn'tmakeourselvesleaveWewereafraidtocrossthatocean.
Afraidtheequatorwouldriselikeagreatwallandsealusoutofthislandforever.
AndIwasafraidtoleaveyou.
AfraidtoleavebeforeIunderstoodwhatIwasleaving.
Soinsteadofhome,wetookthetrainsouthtothegulf.
RentedabungalowonanislandthesizeofCentralParkvehoursbyferryfromthemainland,paidvebucksadayforroof,mattress,mosquitonet,atinyearring-baggie-fulofweedwedgedunderthedooreachmorning.
Thebedhadonesheet,thoughwehardlyneededitinthatkindofheat,onlyuseditwithobligingmodestytocoverthepartsofourselvestheotherwasnotsupposedtosee.
Thereyouwereinyourboxers,Iinmytanktop,settlingdownforanothernightwhereyourngernailscreptupmyarmandIrubbedyourbellyuntilyoupurredlikethecatsbackinMaeSotsunningonthetrailsaroundcamp.
Thedifferencewasthat,atnight,thosecatsscreeched.
Whenourrestraintgotunbearablewelookedforscreecheselsewhere.
Youwentfortravelers:Germangirlswithchunkysneakersandbrightbackpacks.
ThatblondfromNewZealand.
TheIsraeli,whomIhonestlyliked,thoughshedidn'tstickaround.
Resigned,IhookedupwithanAmericanwho'dcomeABungalow,KohTao197downforafullmoonpartyandneverleft.
Hehadarollickinglittledrugtradegoingonfromathatchhutonstiltswithalocalwomanwhowasthemotherofhischild.
Hecouldnevermeetmeforlong.
Wesnatchedmomentsonwhitesandbeaches,mosqui-toespoisedinoursweat.
Nonetheless,andquote-unquoteloversnotwithstanding,nightsfoundusbackatourHaadSaiReebungalow,wherewelaylikeloversourselves,whisperinginweedyswirlsinsideourwhitecocoon.
Whispering:howwillourliveshappenNotpassively.
Not:what'stobecomeofusWewerecurious.
Wewantedan-swers.
Whenit'sallover,whatpathswillourliveshavetakenIlayacrossyou,andyoukissedmyforehead.
"Whathappenswillhappen,"yousaidandrestedyourheadbackdown.
AndIwantedtosayqueseráserátoyoutoo,buddy,butitdoesn'thappen.
Nothinghappens.
Welieherepushingthislineasfar—farther—thanthislineshouldgo.
Wepush;wereinscribe.
Iwantedtocross.
ItwaslikegoingunderwaterwhenInallyasked,"IfIloveyouasmuchasIdo,whyamIfuckinghim"Iheldmybreathasyoureached,likeamother,tobrushthehairfrommyface,yourvoicesoloving,butnotinawaythatan-sweredanything.
NotI-love-youloving.
NotnotI-love-youlov-ing.
Instead,"I'dloveyounomatterwhoyouletinyourbed.
"AndIjustkeptpressingmyeartoyourheartasifIcouldheartheresomethingtoknowifwhatyouwerewasscared,orrespect-fullymisguided,orjustprotectiveofthisthingyouknewwe'dfuckup,knewbetterthanIdidwhatagoodthingwehad.
OrmaybeIknewandbythendidn'tcare.
Iwantedyousomuchthattheworstthingwecouldeverhavedone—whateverthatwas—theworstthingwould'vehurtlessthanwantingyou.
Andstillwelaythere.
Wecamenocloser;wedidn'tmove.
Wewerestonedandsunburnedandnowherenearanywhereweknew.
198ABungalow,KohTaoGrog"I'mcleaningtoday,"Maudproclaims.
She'sbeenthreateningforweekstoscourthepitofalaundryroomwheresheworksattheCollegeInn,adecayinghotelandbaroncampuswherestudentsgoforwatery,overpricedLongIslandicedteas.
"Excellent,"Drewsays.
MaudimaginesthisishowhesoundswhenhetutorsatthecampusWritingCenter:smiling,encourag-ingilliteraterichkidstousesemicolonscorrectly.
"Finally!
"shesnorts.
Shewisheshedidn'talwaysinsistonsee-ingthepatheticasheroic.
"Youwanthelp,"Drewoffers,"I'vegottimethisafternoon.
.
.
"199"Likethat'sreallythewayyouwanttospendit.
"Shemeans:dothisandyouwillproveyourselfspineless.
Hesaysnothing.
Ifshecleans,thingswillmoveefciently.
She'llbeabletoreadwhilethelaundryspins,maybekeepupwithcoursereadings,auditonenextsemestereven.
Havesomething,besidesDrew,bindinghertothecollege.
Besomeoneotherthanawomanwhofollowedherboyfriendbacktoschoolbecauseshehadnothingbettertodo.
MaudandDrewwalktogetheruntiltheedgeoftheInngrounds.
Drewcrossesthequadtowardclass;Maudcrossestheparkinglottothelaundryshack.
Assheopensthedoorshecanhearlaughtracks;thetelevisionstaysontwenty-fourhoursaday.
There'sanolduprightfaninthecorner,itsgratechokedwithmouse-graylint.
Theroomisengulfedinjunk:yellowingLillianVernoncatalogsringedwithcoffeestains,cellophaneCheez-n-Crackerpacksfullofcigaretteash,bucketscrammedwithcleans-ersandstiffspongesandballed-uppaisleyneckties.
Ontheoorbythedoorwayliesacrisp,deadbumblebee,perfectlypreserved,likeasciencedisplay,wingslikeshimmeringeucalyptusleaves.
Maudisalwayscarefultostepoverthebee;todisturbit,shefeels,wouldbesomehowsacrilegious.
Sheknowsthen:todisturbanythingherewouldbesacrile-gious.
Shecannotclean.
Shecan'tthrowoutthepilesofdryerlint,gothroughthebackclosetandditchthetableclothswithsix-month-oldporkchopstains.
Ifsheswepttheoor,whatwouldshedo:burythepooroldbeeinapencil-boxgravebehindtheshackInsteadofscouring,Maudspendstheafternoonatopadryer,cradledbytherockandlull.
Eveninitschaos,thelaundryroomissomehowsoothing.
Ormaybeit'sthefactofthelaundry,inspiteoftheroom.
Inthefaceofseedinessandgrime,still:soapybe-comesrinsed,wetbecomesdry,wrinkledbecomesfolded,dirtybecomesclean.
200GrogMauddoesnothearDrew'sknockoverthedroneofthedryerandthechaosofRescue911,whichsheiswatchingrapturously.
Shedoesn'tevenrealizehe'sthereuntilapintofCherryGarciaandtwospoonsclatterontothetable.
Drewisbeamingdownwiththebemusedpleasuresherstlovedinhim—lovedthathetookinallofherconfusionandcrazinessandacceptedthemasthethingsthatwentintomakingher,notproblemsthatneededtobexedorissuessheneededtoresolve.
Lately,though,thisuncon-ditionalacceptanceisstrikingherassimple,borderingoninsipid.
Butshe'snotactuallythinkingabouthimatall;she'sthinkingabouttheicecream.
Fuckhim,shethinks,heknowsshelovesCherryGarcia.
That'swhyhebroughtit.
Fuckingbastard.
"Buenosdías,fairlaundress.
""Yonohabloespaol.
""Doyougetoffsoon""Youhaven'teventouchedmeyet.
"Drewsmiles.
Hetriesagain,allearnestness:"Doyouwanttogoeatatthehospital"InherBenandJerry'sparanoiaMaudthinksforamomentthathemeanshe'sgoingtocheckherintothepsychiatricwardforforcedfeedings.
She'sreadytotellhimhecangotohellwhensherealizeshemeansthepicnicarea:grassylittleknollsinthehospi-talparkinglotwherethey'vegonebeforetolieonwoodentablesandwatchclouds.
MaudfeelsasurgeofstickyguiltandreachesherarmouttoDrew.
HisT-shirtissoftandpilled,andshepetsatitabsently,neveroncetakinghereyesfromthecrackbustonchannel19.
TheyleavethedryerrunningandcutovertoCollegeStreet,passingthehouseofsomeoneinDrew'sGnosticismseminarwherethey'doncegonetoaparty.
MaudhadfeltoutofplaceandleftDrewtheretodrinktepidSchlitzandtalkJesus.
She'dwalkedhomealone.
Sohadhe.
Atthistimeofafternoon,doctorsandnursesstrollthroughcauseways,andpatientsarewheeledalongthecementpathsGrog201ofGraceMemorialHospital.
Itlookslikeasanatoriuminaneighteenth-centurynovel,andMaudgetsasuddenashofher-selfproppedupinawhitebedlikeaVictorianheroine.
SheknowsDrewwouldprobablyvisither,butshecan'tpicturehimgettingfartherthantheparkinglot.
He'dsitatapicnictableshellingpis-tachiosfromabag.
He'dfeedthemtothebirds.
"Whatarepeoplesupposedtodo,"Maudwhispers,"comeouthereanddigintoIGApotatosaladwhiletheirlovedonesarehav-ingdialysis"Pringlesandpapsmears.
Sweetgherkinsandaco-lonoscopy.
Maudismilkingajokethey'vetoldtodeath.
Theyndaspot,andDrewsetsdownthepint,pullingthespoonsfromthebackpocketofhiscut-offswhileMaudpriesoffhersneakersandpositionsherselfcross-leggedonthetable.
Fac-ingherfromthebenchlikeaschoolboyatdetention,Drewpriesthecardboardlidfromthecontainerwithaslow,resistantsuck.
Hescoopsaspoonfulandholdsittowardher,butshepusheshisarmdown.
Hisfacefalls.
HelookssodefeatedandMaudiswashedwithsuchguiltthatthereisnothingshecandoexceptraisehisarmbackuptohermouthandtaketheprofferedbite.
Theicecreamissweet:sweetandsmooth,andMaudwatchesDrewwatchingherasitslidesdownherthroat,easyandsentimental.
Notoncedoeshelifthisat,widestarefromhers.
WhenDrewleavesforhiseveningseminar,Maudgoesbacktothelaundry.
Thehumidityisreachingacriticallevel:theskycloudingover,darkeningfast.
Shesprintsandmakesittotheshackjustastheheavensopenup.
Insidetheairisthickandmuggy.
Maudipsonthelightandplugsinthefan.
Shetakesoutherdinner:onehalf-pintofwhitericefromatake-outcontainer.
Hunan:theEastintheMidwest.
SheeatsandsucksataCaneld'sdietchocolatefudgesoda.
Whenit'sgone,shewantsmorechoco-late.
EverynightsheletsherselfbuyoneMilkyWayDarkfromthevendingmachineinthehotellobby,eatsoffthechocolatecoating,andsmashestherestintoadustycreviceoracrustedcat-foodbowlbeforethrowingitout.
Otherwiseshe'sliabletogointothegarbageandpolishitoff.
202GrogIt'sdark,andtherainiscomingdownhardasMaudrunsacrosstheparkinglot.
Somestudentshaveduckedinsidetoescapethedownpourandarehuddledbythelobbycouches.
Maudwalksquicklypast.
Thecandymachinestandsinanalcovenexttoapayphoneoutsidetherestrooms.
Mauddropsinherquartersandjamshardonthebutton:D6.
Thecoilinsideturnsslowlyandre-leasesaMilkyWayDark.
Maudreachesdownforit,butthecoilkeepsturning,andasshe'spushingopentheap,anotherMilkyWaytumblesdown.
She'spausing,acandybargrippedineachhand,whenthedoortothemen'sroomswingsopenandamaninagreenapronwalksout,wipinghishands.
"Nowthere'sasugarrushinthemaking,"hesays,grinning.
"Itgavemetwo,"Maudsnaps.
"Imean,theyjustfellout;Ionlypaidforone.
Ionlywantone—notevenawholeone,re-ally.
.
.
Wouldyoulikeone""Allergic,"hesays.
"WhatdoIdowithtwochocolatebars"Maudsays.
ThemanbeginstomovetowardthelobbyandashepassesclapsahandonMaud'sback.
"Feast,"hesays.
"Gowild.
"Maudwatcheshisgreenaprondisappearintothebar.
Shedropsoneofthecandybarsintoanashtraybythephoneboothanddashesbacktothelaundryshed.
Maudisclammy:wetwithrainandsweatingtoo.
Shesitsandfeelsthefoldofeshwhereherstomachlopsoveritself,allthegrittysweatstuckthereinalineacrossherabdomen.
Anunbearablewaveofdiscomfortwashesoverher,andshethinksrightthenthatshecannotstayin-sideherbodyasecondlonger.
Butasecondlater,she'sstillthere.
Shealwaysis.
SheripsopentheMilkyWay.
OnBaywatchalittlekiddrowns.
Thewindoutsideisraging,rainstillsheetingdown.
Halfwaythroughherchocolatecoatingthepowergoesout.
TheTVdies:zip,justlikethat.
Thedryerstops.
Thefanpetersoutslowly.
Thenthereisjusttherain.
MaudbitesintotheMilkyWay.
Shecan'tsee.
Thecaramelistoughandstubbornandshecanhearthespitsmackinginsideherhead.
Nougatslipsagainstherngers;shesucksatit.
SuddenlytheMilkyWayisgone.
ShegropesfortheemptywrapperandGrog203licksthemeltedchocolate,expertlysearchingoutthepapercrev-iceswithhertongue,panicked,likeshehastogetitall,rightnow.
Secondslaterthere'saknockonthedoor,andMaudimmedi-atelycrumplesthewrapperandballsitinherhandbelowthetable.
Shewipeshermouthagainsttheshoulderofhershirt.
"Anyonehome"Maudwipeshermouthagain.
Thedooropens;someoneleansin.
"Anyonehome"thevoicesaysagain.
"Whoareyou"Maudasks.
"Cyrushesays,hisvoicerisingtocuehermemory.
"I'vegotcandlesinthebarifyouwanttowaititoutinside"There'salongpause.
"I'mthebartender,"hesays.
"Um,sure,OK.
"Maudfumblesandstandsup,grippingtheedgeofthetable.
Suddenlyshefeelslikeshe'ssotallshe'llbustthroughtheroof.
Everythingismovingincrediblyquickly.
Waytooquickly.
Likerollingdownhill,snowballing.
Maudhurtlesto-wardthedoor,thousandsofmilesaway.
She'slikeameteorca-reeningthroughspace.
SheletsgooftheMilkyWaywrapper.
ShefollowsCyrusintotherain.
Theytearacrosstheparkinglotandenterthehoteldripping.
CyrusushersMaudintothebar.
Candlesickerinredglassorbsattableswherestudentshuddle,eatingpopcornfromplasticbowls.
Theylaugh.
Theylicktheirngers.
"Comesit,"Cyrussays,swipingthewaterfromhisarmsinquickstrokes.
Maudpullsherselfupononeoftheredleatherstools.
"Froggrog""What""CanImakeyouadrink"Cyrusasks,whiskingdownaglassfromtherackabovehimandbalancingitonhispalmlikeacircusperformer.
"Oh,no,"Maudsaysquickly.
"Thankyou,no,though.
""You'rehavingafroggrog,"Cyrussays.
Hesmiles.
Thensud-denlythereissomethingtallandutedandgreenonthecounter.
204GrogClingingtotherimoftheglassisaratherdrunken-lookingrub-berfrog.
"Everydrinkcomeswithafrog.
Collectten,winafreeT-shirt.
"Cyruspointstoashirthangingovertheregister.
"Cheers.
"Maudeyesthedrink.
Itdoesn'tlooklikethere'screaminit.
Whatthefuck,shethinks,IjustateafuckingMilkyWay.
AfuckingpintofBenandJerry's.
I'lldrinksome,shethinks,half,that'sit.
Shedrawsupthegrogandsuckshardatitsstraw.
Thefrogjiggles.
Theroomickersred,spinningfast.
Maud'schairisuptoohigh;thegroundistoofaraway.
Shereachesforapopcornbowl,andherarmissolongthatbythetimeherngersreachthedishthehandisn'thersanymore.
Shedrainstherestofhergrog.
Foamygreenicepoolssadlyatthebottomoftheglass.
Cyruswhisksitawayandprocuresanother,identicaltotherst,frogandall.
"Don'tforgetyourfriend,"hesays,detachingtherstfrogandsettingitdownonthecounter.
It'sallliquid,Maudtellsherself,I'llpeeitout.
It'snotlikeI'msittinghereeatingfrenchfries.
Butthepopcorn.
Therearethreefrogsonthecounterandonestillclingingdes-peratelytoabarglasswhenMaudscootsoffherstool.
Thestu-dentthrongshavegrownthick,andCyrusdoesn'tseeherslipout.
Onatablebythedoorthereisabowlofmints;Maudgrabsahandful.
Theyarestaleandcrunchy,andsheshovesthemallintohermouthatonce.
Lotsofpeoplemakethemselvesthrowupwhenthey'vehadtoomuchtoodrink,Maudthinks.
It'snotgoodtohavesomuchalcoholinyoursystem.
Shecareenstowardthebathroom.
There'saline.
Swarmsofgirls.
Theentirestudentpopulationseemstohavesoughtrefugefromthestormhere,andMaudcan'tdoitwithalloftheminthebathroom.
It'lltaketoolong.
Maketoomuchnoise.
Thesmell.
Sheispanicking.
Shecannotslowherbraindownenoughtothinkwhattodo.
Sheleansagainstthewalltosteadyherself,thenslidesdownitandslumpstherebe-tweenthephoneboothandthevendingmachine.
Loominghuge,rightinherface,isthesecondMilkyWay,untouched.
MaudlooksGrog205around.
Shegrabsit,ripsopenthewrapper.
Thechocolateiswarmandsoft,thenougatdoughy.
Itcatchesinherthroat.
Sheeatsitfast,insmackingbites,andshovestheemptywrapperdeepintotheashtraysand.
Shecan'tdoitathome:Drewwillbethere.
Hisclasswillbeoverorcanceledintheblackout.
Ifshesayssheissick,he'llwanttobethere,holdherhead,strokeherhair.
Shecan'twaitforthelinetothinout;shehastodoitwhilealltheliquidisstillinher.
Shetriestothinkofwhereshecango,mentallyscansallthebath-roomssheknows,intown,oncampus.
Schoolbuildingswillallbelocked.
Thereisnowhere.
MaybeDrewisout.
Maybehestayedlatewithfriends,hadabeerafterclass.
Shecanbeathimback,makeitintothebathroom,andlockthedoor.
Doitintheshower.
Maudliftsherhipsfromtheoor,reachesintoherjeanspocket.
Sixpenniesandanickel:sheusedherquartersontheMilkyWay.
MilkyWays.
Shepullsherselfup,facesthechatteringline.
Curlsandteethblurbeforeher.
"DoessomeonehaveaquarterIcanborrow"sheshoutsblindlyintothecrowd.
Afewwomenrievaguelythroughtheirpurses,thenlookupapologetically.
Maudfeelslikeapanhandler.
Shewhirlsaroundandplungesbackintothebar,burrowingthroughpeople,sweat,andsmoke.
Cyrusisswamped;shecannotgetcloseenoughtogethisattention.
Maudwedgesherselfinagainstthebar.
SheshoutstoCyrus;hecan'thear.
Onthecoun-tertopsomethingashessilverinthecandlelight:asmallpileofchangeleftasatip.
Maudgrabsatit,catchingsome,losingsome.
Sheducksaway,swallowedintothemass.
Thebathroomlinehasgrown.
Maudslipsintothephonebooth,dropsthequarterin,dials.
Betweenrings,thequietpounds.
Don'tbehome,Drew.
Don'tbehome.
Thereisaclick,midring.
Andavoice:"Hello"Shecannotanswer.
"Hello"hesaysagain.
Maudisbreathinghard.
Timewheelspast.
Herbrainisying;onestslamsatherthigh.
Drewhangson;shecanjustseehimthere,waiting,attheotherendoftheline.
Hangingonandwait-ingareallheeverseemstodo.
206GrogIt'sCyruswhondsher,curledinthephonebooth,headbe-tweenherknees.
"HeyFroggy,howyoudoing"Andshethinks,Jesus,thisisgettingpathetic:irtingwithdrunkgirlsinphonebooths.
Shelooksupathim:therehavebeenbetternights.
"I'moff,"hesays.
"Oh,"shesaysback.
He'skindoftall,Cyrus,big.
Hishairispulledbackinashortponytailandhe'sgotabigjaw,biglips,alargetongue.
Hisskinisred,scrubbedout.
Hiseyesarebig:thebettertoseeyouwith,mydear.
"Ihavecandlesatmyhouse,"hesays.
Holyfuck,shethinks.
Iamdrunk,stuffedintoaphonebooth,allIwantintheworldistovomitmylungsoutandthismanistryingtopickmeup.
"Thatwassubtle,"shesays.
"Youthink"hedoesasheepishlookforasecond.
"Suave,huh"Thenhisstanceshiftsandhelapses,foramoment,intoreal-ness.
"It'sjustacrossthestreet,"hesays,laughing.
"Youcouldgetoutofyourwetclothes.
"Maudstaresupandlaughs:themanisalreadyundressingher.
Herealizesthisandlaughstoo.
"Thatwasn'tverysubtleatall,wasit""No,"shesays,teasing,butthenshegetsonthelevelforaminuteaswell.
"Hey,actually,doyouthinkmaybeIcoulduseyourshower"sheasks.
"WhatIwouldreallylovemorethananythingistotakeashower.
""Myshowerisyourshower,"hesays,offeringherahand.
"Ievenhavecleantowels.
"MaudhastounscrewthemetalscreenonthedrainwithadimeshendsinCyrus'smedicinecabinet.
ItleavesarustycircleontheshelfbesideabottleofScope.
Thedrainnallycomesloose,Grog207pullingwithitatuftofslimedhairstuddedwithchipsofplaster.
Maudsetsthegrateonthelipofthetub,thehairstreamingdownlikeamildewedRapunzel.
Thegrogcomesupeasily:greenfrothwithecksofwhiterice,likeconfetti.
MaudreachesoutoftheshowerandfeelsfortheScope:disinfectant.
Sheswigsamouthful,sloshes,spits,andwatchesthesparklingblueswirldowntheopendrain.
Whentheblueisgone,herheadisstillswirling.
ShewashesherhairwithPert,theonlybottleinCyrus'sshower,asgreenastheScopeisblue.
There'snoconditioner,andtheshampooleavesherhairstiffandprickly.
Shefumblestorecapthedrain,butthedimeslipsfromherngers,andshewindsuptwistinginthescrewswithherngernail.
Cyrus'stowelsarelargeandcoarse,thegrayish-bluehueoflaundrydonebadly.
Maudwrapsherselfinoneandunlatchesthebathroomdoor.
Cyrusislyingback,smoking,onehandproppedbehindhishead.
Hesquintsatherthroughsmoke.
He'stakenoffhisshoes,andhislongtoessplayoutbeforehimlikedeadchickens.
"HeyBeautiful,"hesays.
AndMaudthinks,OhChrist.
"Toomanygrogs"hesays.
He'sprobablygotgirlsyakkinginhisshowerallthetime.
It'sthenthatMaudthinkssheseesCyruspullhishandoutfrombehindhisheadandpattheemptyplaceonthebedbesidehim.
Butsheislookingallaroundatonce—theposteredwalls,litteredoor,liketheroomofateenageboy—andit'sagesturesoslimy,sosleazy,thatshethinks,Hesimplycannothavejustpattedthebed.
Shelooksdownatherself,standingtheredripping,herpale,squishyeshwrappedinhisstained,scratchytowel,andsheisrevoltedanddoesn'tknowhowheisn'trevolted,buthehardlyseemsrevolted,andthensomehowsheissittingontheedgeofthebedwherethecigarettesmokemingleswiththeshowersteam,saturatingtheair,andCyrusreachesoutanger,tracesthelineofherchinintothelineofhershoulder,collarbone,breastbone,breast.
Andthetowelslips,andMaudscootsupontothebed,lookingawayfromhisface,downathisarm.
Shedrawswithhernger,dizzygureeightsthroughthetangleofhairs,andthereismoreshifting,andsomewrithing,andtheconnec-tionsarelipscrushinglips,hislipsbigagainsthers,largeandwet.
Thegrindofhishipsonherhips,pelvisonpelvis,andthenhis208Grogvoice,somethingmorethantheirrasping,hisvoicesayingsome-thinglike,"Isittime"AndMaudthinks,TimeforwhatAndthensheknowsandisbusythinking,Jesus,whatafuckingline—andheisreachingaway,outofthebed,andthereiscrinkling,andacondom,andthenheisinher,andthatisne,sheguesses,whatever.
Andthenhe'scome,andthat'sit,andshedoesn'treal-izeuntilquiteafewminuteslaterthatshecanunclenchherbody.
Andshethinks,It'sOK.
I'mempty,Igotridofthegrogs.
I'mempty.
I'mOK.
Grog209AfterTwenty-FiveYears,atthePalaisRoyaleMyparentsspendtheirtwenty-fthweddinganniversaryinParisamongtheiroldest,dearestfriends,couplesthey'veknownsincemyfather'stenureattheFederalReserveBank,brilliantFrenchbankersandtheirwivesloanedeachyeartotheFedfromtheBanquedeFrance.
Myparents,insatiablefranco-philes,befriendedthemall,anditisthesefriendswhothrowtheparty.
Vingt-cinqans,theysay,c'estincroyable!
Myparentsar-riveinataxiattheMichaudapartmentinthePalaisRoyale.
Theirfriendshavegoneontoillustriouscareers;threemensigntheirnamesonafrancnote,mymothertellsme,andallthreechangedyourdiaperonceuponatime.
Theapartmentdooropensandmyparentsareliftedinside,showeredwithkisses,thesefriendslike210aburstofsilverconfettirainingovermymotherandfather.
Theyswoopmyparentsupintheirjoy—theoohs,theaahs,themondieu,machère,c'estmerveilleuse!
Theyclaspthematarm'slength:mymotherisstunning,nolongerdyesherhair,wearsablacksheath,hershortsilveredcropdazzling.
Myfatherhasgrownasnow-whitebeard,therazorfarmoredelicateworkthanhistremblinghandscanmanagethesedays.
Heisyoungerbutlooksyearshersenior,likeSaintNick,peoplesaybackhome.
LikeFatherTime.
Likeanoldman.
Peoplestandtoofferhimseatsonthesubway.
Hegetsinforhalf-priceatthemovies.
He'llbefty-veinJune.
Althoughhe'stired(myfatherisalwaystired,sideeffectsofthedopamine,selegiline,amantadineHCl),hiseyesarewide,thoughoftenthey'rewidenow,asifnosighttohimislessthanperplexing,everythingleaveshimoverwhelmed.
Heisfrozensmiling,dazzledandconfused.
Allthelong-agofamiliarfaces!
Thelivesthatwereoncehispoparoundhimlikeashbulbs,thesepiecesofthepast,chipsofglintingmicaintheair,wineglasses,diamonds,teeth,refractinglightinshardsthatdonotre-semblewhattheyreect,donotreassembleoncethey'vecomeapart.
Anear,biensr,theterrorpop!
ofacork,laughterlikexy-lophones,glassesclinking,armsaroundthemeverywhere,Si-moneandJean,andGeorgesandPierette,André,Nanou,Laurent,Thomas.
.
.
Andthereismyfather,hishatstillonhishead,coatbuttonedagainstthenight,stiffandclutched,standinginthecenter,thecenteroftheselives,standingsostillthatmymotherturnstohim,turnsfromtherushoffriendstofaceherhusbandoftwenty-veyears,recognitionstrikingherlikefear,inherwholebody,seized,MyBear,what'swrongAndhedoesn'tknownecessarilywhatiswrong,everything,thereissomuchlove,allthislove,onlytearsarerunningdownhischeeksfasterthanheunderstands,everythingmovingfasterandslower,aheadorbe-hind,overandaroundandpeople,words,ashes,silverevery-where,andinthemiddle,heistheeye.
Inthemidstofitall,heisstranded.
Everything'ssofastit'sstill,heisstill,unfathomablystill,andalone.
AfterTwenty-FiveYears,atthePalaisRoyale211ThinkaboutifYouWantWhenherdaughterMirandawastwelveyearsold,SheilaDaumfellinlovewithStevenStone,theorthodontistwho'dcastMiranda'sbiteinplasterandentwinedhermouthinalabyrinthofgirdersandcables.
ThebracesbitandsnaggedtheinsidesofMiranda'scheeksandlefttheskintherefeelingliketheshreddedporkschwarmaatthegyrostandbythe59thStreetsubwaywhichMirandapassedonherwaytoandfromDr.
Stone'sofce.
LessthanayearintotheritualorthodontictortureSheilamovedherselfandMirandafromManhattanintoaBrooklyntownhousewithStevenandhistwokids,whoforreasonsrelatedtoSteven'scustodyagreementhadtoliveinBrooklynuntilage212eighteenwithinatwenty-blockradiusoftheirmother,Steven'sex-wife,Felice.
Foroverayear,StevenandSheilarentedthethree-storybrownstoneinParkSlopebeforetheydecidedthatitwastimetobuy.
Themarketwasright,theyweretogetherforthelonghaul,anditseemedlikesuchawastetokeepsinkingmoneyintoalandlord'spocketwhentheycouldbegettingaheadonamortgageatthesamemonthlyrate.
Neitherofthemweregameforanothermarriage,perse.
They'ddonethat.
We,theysaid,leaninginforakiss,havesomethingbetterthanmarriage:unadulteratedloveandjointpropertyholdings.
SixmonthsafterthepapersweresignedSheiladiscoveredStevenwashavinganaffairwithhisex-wife.
AndsowhenStevenandhiskidsmovedbackintoasimilarParkSlopebrownstonethatFelicehadgotteninthedivorcesettlementveyearsearlierandsevenblockswest,SheilaandMirandawereleftaloneinthenewlyrenovatedhollowhouse,onceawhirringdenofloveandmismatchedteenagers,nowtheawkwardlyquiethomeofaverydepressedforty-six-year-oldattorneyandhersullenlyresent-fuldaughter.
Miranda'sbraceshadcomeoffafewweeksbeforethebreak-up,butonceStevenwasgone,SheilarefusedtoallowMirandatobettedforaretainer,asiftoletMiranda'steethre-verttotheirnaturalstateofimperfectalignmentwasanessentialstepintheeradicationofeverylastshredofevidencethatamannamedStevenStonehadeverexisted.
Aboutayearafterthesplit,Sheiladecideditwastimetolluptheoversizedhouse.
Sheplannedtorentthetopoor,sharethekitchenandentrance,andprovide,hopefully,somedistractionfromtheascothatwasherlife.
DuringMiranda'sjunioryeartheytookinacouple,triathleteswholeftafterthreemonthstotraininColorado.
ThencameasummerFrenchexchangestudentwhohadtheentirethirdoortoherselfbutslepteverynightataboyfriend'sintheVillageandshowedherfaceinParkSlopealloftwice.
ThenoneafternooninearlySeptemberMirandacalledSheilaatworktosaythatthenewEnglishteacheratschoolhadjustmovedfromOregon,andsheandherboyfriendwerelivingonafriend'scouchwhiletheylookedforaplace,andcouldMirandabringherovertothehousetocheckitoutandmaybemeetSheilatooifshecouldgethomefromtheofceatareason-abletimeThinkaboutifYouWant213"Sweetie,"Sheilasaid,"maybethinkaboutifyoureallywantyourEnglishteacherinyourkitchenonSaturdaymorning""Oh,Isee,"Mirandasnapped.
"Myorthodontist'sOK,butyou'vegottodrawthelineatmyEnglishteacher""Miranda.
""She'snotmyteacher,anyway.
Sheteacheseighthandninth.
Besides,she'sliketwenty-three.
She'sreallycool.
""Ohwell,ifshe'scoolthenbyallmeans.
Youshould'vesaidsointherstplace.
""We'llcomebacklatertonight,ifthat'sOK,"WingMacArdlesaidasSheilaandMirandawalkedhertothedoor.
Shewastakingtheplace,justhadtotrekbacktocollectherboyfriend,Alexan-der,wayoutinWilliamsburgatthehomeofapersoncalledStokerwithwhomthey'dbeenstaying.
Stoker,accordingtoWing,hadastudioapartment,apetpythontowhomhefedliveratsonceamonth,andnothinginhiskitchencabinetsbutajarofsolidiedCremora.
"Ican'ttellyouwhatareliefthisis,"Wingsaid.
"Doyouguysneedanyhelpmoving"Mirandaasked,andSheilahadtoturnaroundtomakesurethepersonleaninginthekitchendoorframeandoffering—offering—todosomethingforsomeoneelsewasinfactherowndaughter.
"That'ssweet,"saidWing,whowascastingaboutinhershoul-derbagforchange.
"We'vegotsolittlestuff,though.
Ithinkwe'llbene.
""Ohtobeyoungandnomadic!
"Sheilacried,andMirandashotheralooklikeSheila'djustbrokenintosong.
Winglaughed.
"AndallthistimeIthoughtwewerejustpoverty-stricken!
""AndwithwhatIforkoverintuitiontothatschool.
.
.
"Sheilasaid.
Wing,obviouslyschooledintheinclusionofteenagers,turnedagaintoMiranda.
"HaveyoualwaysgonetoEmmons"sheasked.
"Sinceseventhgrade,"Mirandatoldher.
"BeforethatwestilllivedrightintheCity.
IonlystartedatEmmonswhenwehadto214ThinkaboutifYouWantmoveouthere.
"Hertonewasvenomous.
ForMiranda,BrooklynwastoManhattanasPurgatorywastoClubMed.
"WhatdoesAlexanderdo"Sheilaasked.
"Goodquestion,"Wingpaused.
"Alex,"shesaid,asthoughhewereastudentwhoserecordshewastryingtocalltomind.
"Well,atschoolhewasinlmstudies.
.
.
Let'sjustsaythatAlexisstillonthejobmarket.
.
.
"Sheilaleaptin.
"Ididn'tmean.
.
.
Iwasn't.
.
.
ImeanI'mnotquestioningyourability,I'mnotaskingbecauseoftherent,Iwasjustcurious.
""Ohno,no,no,Ididn'ttakeitthatwayatall,"Wingassuredher.
"Alex,he'sjust,letmeputitthisway:Isetupthisteachingjobformyselffromschoollastyear.
ButinAlex'seld.
.
.
HecameouttoNewYorkrightaftergraduation—Istillhadcreditstonishupinthesummersession—AlexcameoutinJunetondajobandaplaceforustolive.
"Shesmiledandgavealittlenodbywayofpunctuation.
"Let'sjustsayhe'sbeenaboutasef-fectiveonthejobmarketashewaswithhousing.
"WinglookedtoMiranda.
"Yousolvedoneofourproblems—maybeyou'vegotahotleadonajobforAlextoo""I'monthecase,"Mirandasaid,resolvingtochecktheclas-sieds.
AlexanderHorlickwasabroodingboywithdark,narroweyesandexquisitecheekbones.
Hespokelittle,preferredtostandinthecornersofrooms,andtriedtobetouchingWingateveryavailableopportunity.
Thatrstnight,whileWingstuckafewthingsinthefridge(milk,margarine,aloafofcheapslicedbread),Alexwenttolookattheupstairs.
Mirandaleanedintheentrance-wayasusual,asiftofullycrossthethresholdwasmoretroublethanshewaswillingtotake.
ShelookedathermomlikesheknewexactlywhatSheilathoughtofAlex:shethoughthewasaloser.
ButSheila,whowasaboutasadamantasherdaughterwhenitcametobeingdeant,wasloathetofullMiranda'sexpectations.
Wingshuttherefrigeratordoor,andasshepassedby,Sheilaslidanarmthroughhers,amaternalgesture,drawingWingin.
"He'sThinkaboutifYouWant215gorgeous!
"Sheilawhispered,hermouthexaggerated.
Andthiswashowitwouldbe:Wingasseconddaughter,Alexasthepe-renniallypresentshecoulddosomuchbetterandgodknowswhatsheseestherebutshesayshemakesherhappybeau.
Asifoncue,Mirandastrodefromthekitchenandbegantodragher-selfupthestaircasewithsuchlaboriouseffortshemighthaveweighedfourhundredpounds,andSheilaandWingwereleftinthekitchen,armslinked,smilingawkwardlyafterMirandaundertheglareofthetickinguorescentlight.
Alexhadenoughleftinadwindlingtrustfundtokeepupwithhisshareoftherentandgroceriesandstillmaintainanear-perpetualhigh,anditwasn'tthatSheilamindedherhousesmell-ingsuddenlyassavoryasithadtwentyyearsbefore,whatbuggedherwasthatAlexneverofferedtoshare.
When,onceinawhile,Sheilaworkedathomefortheday,shehadtofocusontheap-praisalofcourtbriefs,enduringthesaintlygreenwaftofsmokethatpermeatedthehouse.
Periodically,Alexhimselfemergedfromthethird-oordenforsustenance.
HefedthewaySteven'sson,Ben,hadatagethirteen:thatsamekindofbottomless,ado-lescentskinnythatmadeitincomprehensibletoimaginewhereallthatfoodwentonceitgotinside.
Onhiswaytothefridge,AlexpassedSheila'sdesk,sock-footed,andalwaysgaveaquickspasmofamilitarynodinherdirection.
Thismadehernervousandedgy.
Alex,Sheilathought,waslikeeverymanshe'deverfallenfor.
HewaslikeStevenStone:good-looking,aloof,judgmental.
Theyweremenwhooperatedlikeone-man"incrowds,"menwhohadthepower—towhomshegavethepower,forChrist'ssake,shewasembarrassinglycomplicit,sheknew—todecidewhowas"it"andwhowasnot.
Notthattheirliveslookedpartic-ularlyfunandexciting(couchpotatostoner,philanderingortho-dontist),butitwasthroughtheirsheerremovethattheycouldmakeyoufeellikeyouwerebeingleftoutofthingsyouweren'tsureyou'dhavewantedtobepartofintherstplace.
OneSundaymorningthatfall,SheilaandWingsatatthekitchentablewithcoffeeandtheTimes,waitingforMirandatoreturnfromthebagelplace.
Alex,whohadn'tonceseatedhimself216ThinkaboutifYouWantforamealwiththem,paddedintothekitchenasusualforhissnack,gavethemeachhislittlenod,andthenturnedtogo,spooninonehand,raspberryDannonyogurtintheother.
Atthedoorhepausedandturnedbackaround.
Thewomenlookedupfromtheirpapers,andallthreewerestillforamomentuntilAlexdidanoddlittleat-footedjumpintheair,turnedonhiswoolenheel,andaccompaniedhimselfupthestairswithajubilantlywhistledchorusoftheSkippyjingle.
Fromthelandinghecalledbacktothem,hisvoiceadeadpanmockeryofglee:"Happy!
Happy!
Joy!
Joy!
"Andthenheduckedbackintotherecessesoftheupstairs.
SheilaturnedtoWing,herfacescrunchedupinbewilderment.
"RenandStimpy,"Wingexplained,thenrealizedthatwasn'tquiteenoughofanexplanationforsomeonelikeSheila.
"FromaTV.
.
.
hisfavoriteTVshow.
.
.
it'sgotrabbits,ormice,orsomething.
.
.
"TherewassomethinginWing'stone—disapproval,orfrustra-tion—thatemboldenedSheila.
Thewordswereoutofhermouthbeforeshecouldeditherself.
"Whatexactlydoyouseeinhim"sheasked.
Wingdidn'tseemsurprisedbythequestion.
Sheilaguesseditprobablywasn'tanuncommonone.
"He'sdifferentthanheseems,"Wingsaid.
"SowasTedBundy,"Sheilasaid,reachingforhercoffee.
ButWinghadherdefensesdown.
"He'shorriblyinsecure.
Re-allyreallyreallyshy.
He'sself-conscioustoadegreethat'sliter-allydebilitating.
.
.
""Whichiswhyhe'snotsupportingbothofyouasaJ.
Crewmodel"Sheilasaid.
Winglookedalittleconfused,likeshethoughtthatnotatallanobviousthingtothinkaboutAlex,andSheilacouldseehertuckingitawayinhermentalstoreofcuriousthingsshemighttakethetimetoponderoneday.
"Hiswork.
.
.
Whathewasdoinginlm—intheory—reallyit'sexcellent.
Bergman'sinuence—theearlyworkespecially—onDavidLynchWingoffered,butitsoundedasthoughshe'dsaiditsomanytimesitdidn'tmatterwhethershebelieveditornot.
"Well,"Sheilasaid,forshefeltshehadtosaysomething,"youknowwhattheysayaboutstillwaters.
.
.
"Thefrontdoorclickedopen,thenshutwithabang,andMi-ThinkaboutifYouWant217randasteppedintothekitchenwavingasackofbagels.
Wingsmiled;allthathadbeensaidseemedforgottenandnoteveninneedofforgiving.
ShedippedaknifeintothetubofcreamcheeseandbrandishedittowardMiranda.
"Andyouknowwhattheysayabouttheearlybird.
.
.
"Miranda,forherpart,wasacceptedearly-decisionatBrownUniversity.
She'dbeennotiedinDecember,whichmeantshewasprettymuchhomefreeuntilgraduation,barringanydrasticuctuationsinheracademicconduct.
Miranda'sschoolfriendswerealllingstandardapplicationsandwouldn'tknowanythinguntilMarchorApril,whichleftMirandaalotoffreetimeandnoonewithwhomtospendit.
Sheilausuallydidn'tgethomeuntilsevenintheevening,andWingstayedatschooluntilaboutthesametime,advisingthedramaclub,gradingpapers,andjuststay-ingontopofherteachingload.
Thus,itwasAlex,reigningsloth-kingofthethirdoor,withwhomMirandaspenttheafternoonsofhersenioryear.
"Doesitbotheryou"SheilaaskedWingoneeveningwhentheywerestillatthekitchentablenishingabottleofnot-terribleredwine.
MirandawasupstairswithAlexwatchingTV.
"IfyoumindedhavingMirandaupthereallthetimeyou'dsaysome-thing,wouldn'tyou""IthinkthequestionshouldbewhetheryoumindMirandabeingupthereallthetimeunderthequestionableinuenceofmygreatAmericanstoner-boy"Sheilawipedangerthroughthespaghettisauceonherplateandsuckeditclean.
"IthinkI'mdeclaringmyselfofciallythroughwithhavingasayaboutwhodoesordoesnothaveaninuenceonmydaughter.
It'sgoodtrainingfornextyear.
Ha!
There'sajobforAlex!
Professionalcollegepreparationforpar-ents.
Hecouldgetpeopletopayhimtocomeliveintheirhousesandcorrupttheirchildrenandletthemgrowgraduallyaccus-tomedtobeingimpotentintheirkids'lives.
""Ithink,"Winglaughed,"thatyoumaybetheonlyparentinAmericawho'dactuallygoforaschemelikethat.
"218ThinkaboutifYouWant"Wouldgoforit—Iamgoingforit!
"WhenAlexhimselftrompeddowntothekitchenthateveningforamicrowaveveggiepocket,hewasquiteobviouslystonedoutofhistree.
Heprogrammedthemicrowave,steppedoutofitsnuke-raypath,andleanedbackagainstthecountertowaitforthebuzzer.
Hisfacewasushed,hiseyestwoslantedlineswithdotsofdarkirisglimmeringoutfrombetweenthefoldedlidslikepol-ishedgemstones.
Healsohadashining,domedpimplebeneathhislefteyewhich,forSheila,madeforahearteninginterruptiononhiscustomarilyawlessface.
"Areyouuptheregettingmyteenagedaughterstonedonmarijuana"Sheilainquired.
Alexnoddedhismilitarynod.
"Yesma'am,"hesaid.
"Goodboy,"saidSheila.
Themicrowavewentding.
Alexungopenthedoorandre-movedthesteamingpastry,jogglingitbetweenhishands.
"Papertowel"Wingoffered,holdingoneoutbeforehimlikeareman'snet.
Hetossediton.
"Mysavior,"hesaid,collectinghisdinnerandpausingtoleaninandplantakissonWing'sforehead.
Sheilahadstoodup;shemovedacrosstheroom,openedacabi-net,andstartedfumblingthroughit.
Unearthingabagofpizza-avorGoldsh,sheheldthemouttowardAlex.
Hereachedforthemwithonehandandwiththeotherplacedhishotveggiepocketoverhisheart.
Sheilatuggedopenthefridge.
"TakesomeOJtoo,"shesaid.
"Iamdeeplymoved,"Alexsaid,lookingatSheilalikeshewasbreakinghisheart.
"Amother'sconcernforherchild'smunch-ies.
"Heacceptedthejuiceandbackedoutofthekitchen,bowingalltheway.
WingspokerstonceAlexwasoutofearshot.
Shelookedtired.
"Haveyoueverbeenwithsomeonesolongyouhaveahardtimerememberingwhy"sheasked.
Sheila'slaughwasahorse-snort.
"Whatareyou,mydearTwenty-three"Shesatbackdownatthetable.
Therewasstillsomewineinherglass.
"Don'tyouteaseme.
.
.
"Theybothlaughed.
ThinkaboutifYouWant219"Idon'tknowthatIeverknowwhyI'mwiththemintherstplace,"Sheilasaid.
"MaybeifI'dstartingaskingmyselfthatquestiontwentyyearsago.
.
.
"Wingwenton,hervoicewasnotmiserable,justintent.
"IgetafraidI'mwastingtime,"shesaid.
"I'dimaginecohabitatingwithAlexwouldmakeyoufeellikethemostproductivego-get-'empersonontheplanet.
.
.
"Sheilastoodandcarriedherplatetothesink.
"Hisslothisinfectious.
""Nokidding.
Checkoutmydaughter.
"SheilareachedforWing'splate.
"ButtobailonAlexnowwouldbelikekickinghimwhenhe'sdown.
"Sheilawondered,briey,whatAlexmightbelikewhenhewasup.
SheturnedonthewaterandsqueezedsomeJoyintoasponge.
"Igetaccusedofgoingyuppie,gettingsuddenlyobsessedwithmoney,beingafair-weathergirlfriend.
.
.
Sometimes,"Wingsaid,laughingatherselfabit,"sometimesIthinkIwishthatI'dgethomefromschoolonedayandndhiminbedwithMiranda,orwithyou.
.
.
""Ohplease,"Sheilacutin.
"It'dbeareason.
""Butit'snotgoingtohappen.
"Sheilawasemphatic.
"Iknow,"Wingsaid,disappointed,resignedtoAlex'sdelity.
"NeedIpointoutthatndingaphilanderingguyisn'tusuallytheproblemIknowquiteanaccomplishedone,ifyou'reinthemarket.
.
.
"SheilaputonaYentevoice:"Andwealthytoo,anorthodontist.
.
.
"Winglaughed,butherheartwasn'tinit.
"ButyouwantedSteven,"shesaid.
"Youwantedhimtobefaithful.
God,Idon'tevenknowwhatI'msaying.
IthinkatthispointI'dbesothrilledtoseeAlexshowasignoflife,Iwouldn'tcareifhewasfuckingthecat!
""Youdon'thaveacat,"Sheilaremindedher.
"Wellmaybeweshouldgetone!
""Justdon'tputthatdownwhentheyaskyouattheASPCAwhyyou'vedecidedtoadoptapet.
""WhatSextoy.
Youthinkthat'sinappropriatesomehow"Winglookedtiredofevenherownsarcasm.
"Honestly,Ithink220ThinkaboutifYouWantI'mjustawimp.
Idon'tknowhowtogetout.
He'sasweetheart.
He'sneverbeenanythingbutgoodtome.
Howdoyouendare-lationshiplikethat""You'resettling.
.
.
"Sheilabegan.
"Yeah,butwhenyou'vebeensettlingforfouryearshowdoyousuddenlyturnaroundandsay,OKAlex,I'mtiredofsettling""Youturnaroundandsay,OKAlex,I'mtiredofsettling.
""It'dbesomucheasierifhe'ddosomethingreallyoffen-sive!
"Wingcried.
"LikewithyouandSteven:hecheats,hegetskickedout.
"SheilaturnedawayfromthesinkandfacedWing.
Thewaterwasstillrunning,andsudstrickleddownSheila'sforearms.
"Ohbutthat'sthedifference,"shesaid,sobitterlythatWingwastakenaback.
"I'msorry,"Wingsaid.
"Ishouldn'tbringup.
.
.
""Nonono,"Sheilawavedofftheapology,sendingoutalittlespatterofdishwater.
Wingsmiledalittle,butthemomentwasn'tbroken.
Sheilasteppedoverandpulledoutachair.
Therunningwaterforgotten,shesat.
"YoucouldkickAlexout.
Whocareswhat'sthereasonIt'snotenoughofareasonthatheliesaroundalldaybakinghisbrain"ShepokedalongwetngertowardWing.
"IfyouwantAlextoleave,you'llaskAlextoleave.
You'lltellhimtoleave.
"Shetappedattheairwithhernger.
Shewantedtodrillthisin.
"Youhavethatinyou,"shesaid.
"It'sinyou.
"Wingblushed,agraciousblush,themodestacceptanceofacomplimentshewashonoredtoreceive.
Sheilaleanedin,herfacenotafootfromWing's,herbreathwarmwithwine.
"Ididn'tkickStevenout,"Sheilawhispered.
Sheputasoap-stickyhandonWing'sforearm.
Thewaterfaucetraninthebackgroundlikewhitenoise.
"Iwassofarfromkickinghimout.
"Thetearsroseinhereyesasiftospiteher.
"Iaskedthefuckingbastardtostay.
That'showsad.
.
.
that'showpathetic,youdon'tevenknow.
.
.
Ibeggedthatfuckingbastardassholetostay.
.
.
"ItregisteredonWing'sfacelikedisappointment,whichshetriedtocoverandturnedthelookintosomethinglikepity,whichwasallwrongtoo,butnothingseemedright.
AndthetruthofThinkaboutifYouWant221thatsuddenlydidn'tmattersomuchtoSheila,thetruthofwhoshewas,whoshehadbeen.
EventhoughthetruthwasturningthelookonWing'sfacetosomethinglikedisdain,itwasn'tdis-dainforSheila,necessarily,butforherself,forafutureWing.
Liketheroaddividedclearlybeforeher:theWingsshemightbe.
AndinSheilanowWingwouldhaveatangibleimageoftheWingshe'dbeashamedof.
AndthatwasOK,Sheilathought.
IfitmadeWingtaketheotherroad,itwasOK.
SheilaspokeasifshewereposingWingwithadare.
"Youcandoit,"Sheilasaid.
"Walkupstairs,turnoffhisfriggin'television,andsayAlex,weneedtotalk.
"Winglaughedweakly;shelookedmiserable.
"Yeah,"shesaid,ponderingtheimageofthatconfrontation:aludicrous,pink-bubblefantasy.
"I'mserious,"Sheilasaid.
Wing'ssmilewasightyandresigned.
"Iknow,Iknow,butnot.
.
.
Imean,I'vegottoteachtomorrow.
.
.
Anyway,Miranda'supthere.
.
.
"SheilawasfacingWingwithaconvictionthat,withoutfail,de-sertedherinthepresenceofnearlyallmen.
"There'llalwaysbeanexcuseyoucanmake.
"Shepaused.
ShelookedWingstraightintheeye.
"Justdoit,"Sheilasaid.
Winglaughedforrealthistime.
"WhatisthisANikead"ButSheilawasn'tinthemood;shehadnointentionoflettingthisdissolveintojokes.
"It'syourlife,"shesaid.
Wingsoberedtoattention.
"Don'tdowhatIdid,"Sheilasaid.
"Don'tactlikeitdoesn'tmatter.
"Winglookedforamomentlikeshecouldn'tdecidewhethertobeoffendedbySheila'sinsistenceortoseizethefeverofhercon-victionandrunwithit,marchherselfupstairsandsaywhatshe'dbeenatleastthreeyearsoverdueinsaying.
Sheilawasn'tgoingtobackdown;itevenseemedclearthatifWingdidn'tdoit,thingsbetweenherandSheilawouldneverbethesame.
Sheilawouldwithdraw,andthethingsWingwascomingtocounton,thosethingswouldn'tbethereinthesameway.
Thiswasoneofthosemoments—Sheilahadcreatedoneofthosemoments!
—inlifewhenaclearchoiceisputbeforeyouandyoucanseeenough222ThinkaboutifYouWantofthefuturetoknowthatit'stimeyoudecidewhothepersonisyou'llbe.
Andsoithappenedinamomentaryretrospectlikethat—WinglookingbackonherselffromanimaginedfutureandknowingwhichWingshe'dhavetorefusetobe.
Innervousnessherlipscrackedagainintoasmile,withaquestioninhereyestoSheila.
Shewasattheedge.
Sheneededonelastnudge.
"Alex,I'mtiredofsettling,"Sheilasaidrmly.
Wingpushedoutherchair.
Sheseemedfrazzledforamoment,likeherbrainhadhitasnagitcouldn'tworkthrough.
Sheges-turedtowardthestaircase.
"Miranda.
.
.
"shesaid.
Sheilastoodandstrodetothestairs.
Shecranedherheadupintothedarkness.
"Miiiraaaandaaaaa,"shecalled,hervoicelilt-ing,giddy.
Shesangoutagain:"Miiiiiraaaandaaaaa!
"Thenshenoticedthewaterfaucetstillrunningandpracticallyskippedtothesinktoshutitoff.
Theywaitedaminuteinsilence,butMirandadidn'tappear.
Fi-nallySheilastartedwavingWingupthestairs.
"Justgo,"shesaid.
"Justgo.
Sendherdownwhenyougetthere.
""OK,"Wingsaid.
Andshewent.
Sheilaleanedbackagainstthesink.
Shewastired.
Shewishedtherewasjustonemoreglassofwine,butthebottlewasempty.
She'dgetMirandatohelpwiththedishes.
Sheyawnedandraisedahandtocoverhermouth.
HerngerssmelledofJoy,andsheheldthemtherebeneathhernostrilsuntilshewasheadywithlemon.
Sheclosedhereyes.
ThefeetonthestairsweretoospringytobeMiranda's.
SheilaopenedhereyestoWinginthestairwaythreshold,onehandoneitherwall,leaningintothekitchenlight.
Theposturewasyoung,alittlesheepish.
ShespokebeforeSheilacould.
"They'restonedbeyondcoherentthought,"shelaughed,asiftoadmitthelightandfutileironyofherthwartedmissionandtochuckleitoff.
"YouwanttocomeupforMoonlighting"Wingasked,thenhunginthestairwaylikeMirandawould,awaitingaresponse.
Sheila'srstinstinctwastobeangry,toxWingwithadisap-pointedglare,pointangerupthestairssaying,youmarchyourselfrightbackaround,younglady,anddon'tcomedownuntilyou'vedonewhatyousetouttodo.
Butshecouldn'tevensaythingslikethattoMirandaanymore,letalonetothisgirlThinkaboutifYouWant223she'dknownonlyafewmonths,thisgirlwholivedinSheila'shousewithherstoned-outboyfriend,thisgirlwhowasalmostastranger,thisgirlshereallydidn'tknowatall.
Sheilashuthereyesagain,andtheworldwasmilkycobaltandorangeinsidewitharesandshadowsoflight.
Sherubbedoneeye.
"Yeah,"shesaid.
"Yeah,I'lljustsetsomeofthesedishestosoak,"saidSheila.
"I'llcomeupinaminute.
"Wingturnedtoboundbackupthestairs,thenlookedbackatSheila,likeshewantedtosaysomething,meanttosaysomething,likethankyou,maybe,onlyshedidn't,justsmiledagain,asmileinwhichSheilathoughtshesawapology,andappreciation,anddesire,andresignationallatonce,andathousandotheremotionsWingprobablyhadn'tyetlivedlongenoughtounderstand.
ThesmilewasfartoooldforWing'sface,andthenfartooyoungaswell.
Wingturnedagainandclimbedthestairstwoatatime.
Sheilaresumedthedishes.
Theroad—itseemedsuddenlyveryclear—didnotdiverge.
WingwouldnomoreleaveAlexthanAlexwouldleaveWing,nomorethanSheilawouldhaveleftSteven.
MirandawouldgoofftoBrownanddowhateverMirandawoulddoatBrown,andSheilaandWingandAlexwouldstayhereinthebrownstoneinParkSlope.
AndAlexwouldsmokepotandwatchmoviesandthinkaboutthetheoreticalimplicationsofthezoomshot,whileSheilatookthesubwayintoManhattaneachmorningandbackeachnight,andWingtaughtLordoftheFliestochildrenlikeMirandawhowouldgrowupanddowhat-evertheyweregoingtodo,andatnightthey'dsitaroundthekitchentableamidstsaladdressingspillsandreheatedpasta,rel-ishingthoselittlepocketsofred-winetimetostepbackalittleandthinkabouttherestofitallbeforetheyfedthemselvesthroughthecycleonceagain,waiting,alwayswaitingforsomethingtohappentochangewhattheywere.
Fortheworldtotilt,toquiver,tobucklebeneaththeirfeetanddepositthem,blinkingandafraid,intolivesotherthantheirown.
224ThinkaboutifYouWantTheAnimal'sBestInterest*Sylvieisahealthy,fourteen-year-old,tiger-stripedfemalewithhugegreeneyeswhohaswantednothingmorethanalapsinceherownerdiedlastspring.
She'sseekingacalm,gentlehomebody,preferablyfemale,whoenjoysyarnplayandcanprovideherwiththenerthingsinlifesuchasFancyFeastGourmetCatFood,forwhichSylviehasquiteadiscriminatingpalate.
ItisoneofmydutiesattheLaneCountyAnimalSheltertoup-datetheAdopt-a-Petlistwepublishinthecounty'sweeklycom-munitybulletin.
Thewomanwhodiditbeforemewasapredoc-toralstatisticianattheuniversity,andshekeptitsimple:color,225sex,age,majordeformities.
ButinthetwoyearsI'vebeenhere,we'veseenasignicantdeclineinoureuthanasiarate,andthoughnoteveryoneisconvincedIamthecause,theydon'targueany-morewithmyPetPersonals.
Adoptionsareup,andthat'sallthecountyreallyconcernsitselfwith.
*Phineasisasmall,ten-month-oldtabbywholostaneyeinachildhoodencounterwitharaccoon.
Quitesweetandsomewhatshy,he'dliketoliveinahomewithanothercatorawholebroodwhocanhelphimrebuildhisself-condence.
He'dliketomeetanicegirltosharemeaningfulconversationandpossiblecuddlingsomewheredowntheline,butasanactivistforpopulationcontrol,Phineashasbeenneutered,forhedoesnotfeelthathecouldinanyconsciencebringanotherlitterintothisworld.
CherylandIhavealreadytakeninthreecatssincewegottotown,andthat'sinadditiontoSidtheSiameseandBebe,Cheryl'sancientNewfoundlandwhosemostlyinertyetbreathingbodythefourcatsliketouseasabed.
Thefourofthem'llbesprawledoutacrossthatbiggallumplikethat'swhatshewasintendedforallalong,andBebeeitherdoesn'tmindorissosenilebynowthatshedoesn'tevennotice.
WeknowBebe'sgoingtogooneday,andwetrytotalkaboutwhatwe'lldothen,butitupsetsCheryltoomuch,andsheendsupsaying,"Whenthetimecomes,Christine,youwillpickoutalovelyolddogfromtheshelterandyouwillbringithomeandIwillhateandresentitatrstbecauseitisnotBebe,andthenIwilleventuallyloveitbeyondallrationalitybe-causeitwilllovemeandwebothknowthatIampowerlesstoturnmybackonlove.
"Thisistrue.
WhenwerstmetCheryldidn'tlookatmetwice,andIfellcrazyinlovewithher,insinu-atedmyselfintoherlifebyeverypossiblehumanmeansandeventuallygothertofallinlovewithmetoo.
Thus,webothnowknowthat'sonewaylovecanwork.
CherylsaysthatIammorelikeacatthanapersonsometimes:thatforahumanbeingtotrulyloveanotherhumanbeingshehastohateheralso,thatloveandhategohandinhandlikethat.
Cherylbothlovesandhatesme,whichshesaysmeansshewouldstaywithmeforever.
I,likeacat,shesays,seemtobecapableonlyoflovingCheryl,whichis226TheAnimal'sBestInterestwhathasherconvincedthatIamcapableofleaving,ofndingsomeoneelsetolove.
ButIhaveadifferenttheory.
Ithinktherearetwodifferentkindsofpeople:thosewhosenat-uralstateisalone,andthoseforwhomsolitudeislikeswimmingunderwater:youcanonlydoitforsolongbeforeyousimplyhavetocomeupforair.
Ifallintothelattergroup,notbychoicebutbythesamevirtuethatIamahumanbeingandnotash.
Ihaveoftenwonderedwhatitwouldbeliketoexperiencesoli-tudeasanorm.
Iimagineunbelievablefreedom:tobeabletomovetoTibet,liveinateepee,whistleshowtunesinthemiddleofthenight,eatherringandonionsinbed,andfallasleepwith-outbrushingyourteeth.
Andit'sfascinatingtoimagine,butsoareswordswallowingandbungiejumping,andthey'resimplynotthingsI'lldobychoiceduringmytimeonthisearth.
IknowthatIwouldnotleaveCherylunlessIhadsomewhereelsetogo,whichmeanssomeoneelsetogoto.
AndwhileI'mwithCherylI'mnotplayinganyotherelds.
AccordingtoCheryl'slove/hatetheory,shewouldneverleaveme,andaccordingtomytwo-kinds-of-peopletheory,that'strue,becauseshe'snotalonereither.
AndthoughshethinksImightleaveher—forTibet,fortheteepee,forbadbreathandSondheimat3a.
m.
—becauseIdon'thateherenoughtoreallyloveher,Iknowthatasanaturalcoupler,notaloner,I'llbestickingaround.
Itellher,Lookatanimals.
It'snottheloving,devoted,faithfulcatswholeave;it'stheirowners:droppinglittleMufnoffatthedumpbecauseshebarfsonthecarpettoooften,lettingRoveroutofthefamilyvanatthesideofthehighwayastheyspeedofftoanewlifeinanewtowninanewapartmentcomplexthatdoesn'tallowdogs.
Toobad,outyougo,Spot,outyougo.
Isometimesthinkabouthowmanypeoplewouldactuallyhavepetsifmyper-sonaladsworkedtheotherwayaround:Familywiththreeterror-agechildrenseeksmasochisticcatforritualtorture.
OrFlighty,itinerantcouplelookingtoadoptcatforaveryshortperiodoftimeandthenditchitbackattheshelterwhentheydecidetorejointhePhishtour.
Thethingthatkillsme—andthat'sbecauseithitsmewhereIlive—isthattheanimals,theystillgowiththosefolks.
Andforthehourortheweekortheyearsthey'rekept,they'lllovethosepeopleunconditionally—pure,unadul-TheAnimal'sBestInterest227terated,unselshlove.
Andinevitably,it'sthepeoplewholetthemdown.
TakeArlene,forexample.
I'dbeenhereafewmonthsthersttimeSnifescamein—Snifes!
Isweartogod!
Thereshouldbelaws!
—anditwashermotherwhobroughthim.
"He'smydaughter'scat,"shesaid,pettinghimmechanicallyonthehead,asifsomeonehadinstructedherinthedisplayofaffection.
Shehadthemovesbutnotthesoul.
"Mydaughter'sgoingintothehospital.
"Sheannouncedthatbitofinformationlikeitwasapersonalchallengetome.
Shehadonadarkveloursweatsuit-typethingoverwhichSniff—awhiteHimalayanuff-ball—wassheddingmercilessly.
Thewomanwouldhavemadeaprettygoodstrayherself:bonyandshrunken,withdeepcirclesunderapairofbuggyblueeyes.
"Myhusband'sallergic,"shetoldme,andthenallofasuddenherdefensesjustseemedtodropaway—sofastitwaseerie,likewatchingamultiple-personalitymovie-of-the-weekwheresomewomanslipsfromGretchen-the-Wicked-BitchtoSissie-the-Pathetic-and-Deprivedinamatterofseconds.
Shesaid,"Thisseemedliketheonlyoption.
Wedon'tknowwhatelsetodothentrailedoff,waiting,astheyalldo,forsomekindofreassurancefromme.
Theywantmetotellthemthey'renotbadpeople,thatIcanabsolvethemofallguilt,andthatreallyit'sjustaneandpeachythingforthemtoadoptapetanddiscarditagainwhentheyredothelivingroomandFluffynolongertsinwiththecolorscheme.
Butthiswomanreallydidlooklikeshe'dbeentohellandnotmadeitallthewayback.
I'masoftiewhenitcomesdowntoit.
IscoopedSniffoutofherthin,ganglyarms.
"Hellothere,BigBoy,"Icooedintothatatfuzzyface,thosegorgeousblueeyes.
"WelcometotheLaneCountyHotel.
We'llletyoutakeanicehoteabath,freshenyouupafteryourtrip,andthenI'llshowyoutoyoursuite.
Weserveacomplimentarycontinentalbreakfastateight,andquiethoursshouldbepostedonthebackofyourdoor.
"WithafreehandIpulledoutthelogbook.
"Andunderwhatnamewillthegentlemanberegisteringtoday"ThewomanlookedatmelikeIwaspossessed,then,totaldead-pan,shesaid,"Snifes,"andsheandIhadalittlebondingmoment.
Thewayitcameoutofhermouth,Iknewwhatshe228TheAnimal'sBestInterestthoughtofthename,andIraisedmyeyebrowstoagree.
Sheclosedhereyesthen,forjustasecond,butdeliberately,onanin-takeofbreath,likeshewascountinginherheadtokeepfromy-ingoffthehandle,thewaytheyteachyouinControlYourAngerworkshops.
Sheopenedhereyesslowly.
"Mydaughter,"shesaid,anditwasastatementwhichalonewasmeanttoexplainevery-thing—Snifes,thehospital,thegray-blacksacksbeneaththiswoman'ssleeplesseyes.
*Sniffisanindependentthree-year-oldHimalayanmalewho,followingtheillhealthofhispreviousowner,needsastableandunderstandinghome.
He'sbeenveryinuencedbyESTandGestalttherapyandfeelsreadytoengageinaspiritualand/orphysicalrelationshipwithlike-mindedfeline,MorF.
Pleasesendphotosand/orfursamples.
Neatnessaplus.
SometimesIworrythatmyadsgetalittlesuggestive,butwhatcanIsaySexsells.
Andwedoabackgroundcheckpriortoalladoptions,soweknowwe'renotsendingourkittieshomewithsomesickfuckwhowantspussyanddoesn'tknowhowelsetogetit.
NooneadoptedSniff.
Weweresomewhatoverrunwithkittensatthetime,andthat'swhatwasmoving.
Peoplecameintooohandcooovertheone-poundlittleskimps,andtheadultcatsjustsatintheircagesstaringoutdullyfrombehindthebars,notaglimmeroflife,noshowofadoptability.
Itwasliketheyknewitjustwasn'tworthexpendingtheenergy.
Itwasmid-Decemberwhenthegirlherselfcamein.
Arlene.
Thewindchillwasdippingusintorecordlows,andeveryoneandtheirgrandmotherwasbringinginthefamilyofstraysthathadbeenlivingundertheirporchsincesummer,feedingontablescraps,butnowwiththesnow.
.
.
etcetera,etcetera.
Sufceittosaywewerefulltocapacityandbeyond,plustherewasaninsid-iousupper-respiratorythinggoingaroundthecatroom,andwecouldn'tgetanyofthemhealthybeforethegermsjustcamerightbackaroundagain.
Iwantedtogetcatsoutofthatroom.
ArlenecameinpiledtoNanookproportionsinawhiteparkathatlookedlikeithadbeentrimmedinSniff-fur.
ShewaspaddeddownbuthadabeltcinchedaroundthewaistofthatTwinkie-foamcoat,whichmadeherlooklikeanumber8,andwhensheTheAnimal'sBestInterest229reachedtoherfacetopullbacksomescarvessoshecouldspeak,Ihadadistinctvisionofthegrimreaper,asifshe'dunveilherselftorevealtherewasnothingthereatall.
Shedidhaveahead,itturnedout,thoughitmademesicktolookatit.
Itwasshrunken,setbackthereintherecessesofthatwhitefurryhood,morbid.
ShetuggedoffapairofknittedGuate-malanmittensandheldherblueclawsbyhermouthasshespoke.
"Um,"shesaid,then"um"again,anditturnedoutshecouldn'tputawordintotheairbeforeshe'dummedlikethatforafulltenminutes,andthenhadtoapologizehalfwaytoheavenwhenshewasdone.
"Um,"shesaidagain,andIsettledmychininmyhandandwaitedforhertoconjureupsomealternatesyllable.
"Um.
.
.
I.
.
.
I'vebeen.
.
.
lastmonth.
.
.
"Shetookabreath.
"DoyouhaveawhitecathereLikeamonthago,awhiteHimalayan,Snifes.
.
.
mymotherbrought.
.
.
""Catroom'sdownthehallontheright,"Itoldher.
Herfaceseemedtobrighten,atleastthebonesshiftedinanupwarddirection.
"He'shere"shepipped,innitelyexcited,asifherlong-lostlovehadjustarrivedatherdeathbed.
Inodded,pointedherdownthehall,andbegantocompiletherequisitepaperwork.
SometimeswhenIcallthePetPersonalupdatesintothecom-munitybulletinIthinkIshouldputoneinthehumanPerson-alsformyself,justtosee.
Christineisaneven-tempered,short-hairedbrunettewhoseeksastable,safe,lovinghome.
Shedoesn'tliketobeleftalone,isstillplayfulandactiveatthirty-one,andwantstoexploreanintenserelationshiptoseeifshe'scapableoflovingsomeoneenoughtohatethem.
Womenonly,please.
ButIscanthePersonalspeopleplaceinthebulletin,andthey'reallpa-thetic,andIthink,IloveCheryl.
TheClassiedsthatbreakmyheartopen:Freeblacklabpuppiestogoodhome.
AndFOUNDbyCityParklastweekend,tabbymale,notags,yellowcollar.
Ithinkmaybeweshouldjustadoptanothercat.
There'stoomuchhatredintheworldasitis.
230TheAnimal'sBestInterestArlene,whenshewasn'tinthehospital,livedwithherparentsintheneighborhood,suchasitis.
EastThirdStreetdead-endsattheshelter,whichbacksontheCountySewageTreatmentCen-ter.
Onourblocktherearetwo"adult""book"stores;aChristianSciencereadingroom;Ball-o-Yarn,thepetsupply/knittingsup-plyshop;andagas-station-turned-barbeque-joint-turned-dairy-martwheremiddle-schoolkidshangoutintheafternoonplayingAsteroids.
Arlenemighthavebeenanywherebetweenfteenandtwenty-eightor-nine;itwasimpossibletoguess.
Idon'tthinkshewasinschool;Iwasn'tevensurewhatexactlywaswrongwithher—cancer,Iguessed,maybeevenAIDS,somethingserious—untilshestartedinwiththewalksandIstartedputtingitallto-gether.
Thetemperaturestayedbelowzeroforagoodtwoweeks,butI'dseeheroutiniteverysingleday.
Mydesklookedontothestreet,andIknowshedidthreeseparatewalkingsessionseachday,morning,middayandlateafternoon,upanddownthatblock,thirty,sixty,ninetylaps.
Justbackandforthondead-endEastThird,cornertocorner,bundledintothatwhitesnowballcoat.
Andnomatterhowblackenedandsootedanddog-urine-stainedthebanksofsidewalksnowbecame,Arlene'scoatwasalwayssowhiteitpracticallyglowed.
Inthewintersunlightsheoatedpasttheshelterwindows,acrossmyeldofvisionagainandagainandagain,likesomestrangeanddeathlyluminousapparitionpatrol-lingourlittleblock.
Mid-Januarythemotherwasback,Snifesunderherarmlikeabundleoflaundry.
Shehandedhimovertomerstthing,andthatpoorcatjustlookedlikehewassaying,Herewegoagain.
"Shecan'ttakecareofherself,letalonesomethingelse,"themotherannounced,asifthisdialoguehadsimplybeenonpausesincethelasttimewe'dseeneachothertwomonthsbefore.
"Don'tlethertakethisanimalback,"sheinstructedme,andshewaslivid;therewasreinthoseicy-bluebugeyes,andIwon-deredhowI'dreactifitweremydaughterkillingherselfbyslowstarvation.
IfI'dlookashatefulasArlene'smotherdidrightthen.
TheAnimal'sBestInterest231Shetrulyappearedasifshehatedherowndaughter.
ButthenhereyeswelleduplikeherheartwasgoingtoplopoutontothecounterandIthought,It'sanelinebetweenloveandhate,andmaybeCheryl'srightthatit'sonlythepeopleforwhomyoufeelonethatyou'recapableoffeelingtheother.
"Ithink,"thewomanwassaying,"ifshe.
.
.
I.
.
.
when.
.
.
ohgod.
.
.
"Sheslappedatherfaceasiftobreakherownemotionalstate.
"Justplease,"shesaid,"ndsomeoneelsetotakethiscat.
Orjustdon'tgiveitbacktoher.
"Hervoicewasstartingtogrowthreateningagain.
"It'sjustgoingtobelikethisaslongasshe'salive,"shespat.
Andherewasthiswoman,standingbeneathaSPAY—IT'STHEHU-MANETHINGposterdiscussingheranorexicchild'simminentdeath,andIwonderedifthatendloomedforheralittlelikerelief.
"Comeon,BigBoy,"IbreathedintoSniff'scoatoffuzz.
"Wel-comeback.
"Anothermonth:instrollsArlene.
Itwasmid-February,andtheweatherhadmellowedabit.
Shestillhadherhooddrawnupbutwasminustheseventy-vescarvesandmufers.
"Um,"shesaid,pullingoffamittenandpantingsometepidbreathatherngerbones.
"Snifes,"Isaidinlieuofagreeting.
HerfacewashedinasortofreliefIdidn'texpect,asifshewastakingmeonasanallyinallthis:thewarwithhermotheroverSnifes.
"Ican'tgivehimtoyou,"Isaid.
Shefrozeforasecond,butonlyforasecond.
"Ifthere'ssometimelimitonclaimingthem,I'llpaytheadoptionfee.
.
.
"shesaid.
"Wehavestandardspotentialadoptershavetomeetbeforewe'llreleaseananimalintotheircustody,"Itoldher.
"He'smycat,"shesaid.
"Ithardlyseemsinthecounty'sbestinterest—whichistheanimal'sbestinterest—toplaceacatinthehomeofsomeonewithahistoryofabandonment.
"232TheAnimal'sBestInterest"Itisnotabandonment,"shehissed.
"Idon'tbringhiminhere.
Youhaveaproblemwithpeopleusingthisplaceasakennel,takeitupwithmyparents.
"Shesteadiedherselfagainstthecounter,andIfoundmyselfdoubtingherabilitytoliftSniffupatthatpoint,nottomentioncarryhimhome.
Ireachedforthelogbook,ippeditopen,andstartedreadingaloudSniff'srecord,which,Irealized,wasArlene'shospitaliza-tionrecordnearlydatefordate.
Ilookedupandcouldseethewa-terrisinginhereyes.
Ididn'tactuallywanttomakehercry;Ihadthesensethattoloseevenonetear'sworthofanythingfromherbodycouldputherovertheedgeatthatpoint,andIdidn'twantArlenedeadthereontheooroftheshelter,achorusofmewsandarfsheraldingherwayintotheGreatBeyond.
"Honey,"Isaid,tryingmybestnowtosoundgentle,"we'vegottoknowwe'reputtingtheseanimalsinstablehomes.
"ButmytonewassouringevenasIspoke.
"DoyouthinkaboutwhatitdoestothatcattogetshuttledaroundthiswayDoyoustoptoconsiderwhattheeffectsofyouractionsmightbeonhim"Shelookedatmequizzicallyforasecond,anytraceoftearsretreatedbackupintoherducts,andIthoughtofamoviestrip,playedbackwardandspeededup—snowrisingfromthegroundtothesky,peoplegrowingsmallerinsteadofbiggerastheirliveswenton,Arleneslitheringbackwardoutthroughthedoorshe'djustcomein,backoutintothesnowtocontinueonherwalk,scur-ryingbackwardupanddownEastThirdlikealeafgettingsuckedintoavacuum.
Illedoutthepapers,doctoredthebooks,andbroughtSniffhomewithmethatnight.
Onceyou'vegotfour,it'shardtocomeupwithasoundargumentagainstafth.
Sniffdoeswellwiththeotherstoo.
They'reallcatswho'vehadtodoalotofaccom-modatingintheirlives.
SidtheSiamesewaspartofashowcat'slitter,andhegotditchedbythebreederforaslightcoloringirregularitythatdisqualiedhimfrompure-bredcompetition.
SwansoncrawledoutofadumpsterattheGoldenCorralandintoourhearts.
GertieandAlicewerefromtheshelterhere,twooldgoats—oneblind,onemissingapaw.
Noonewasgoingtotakethem,sowedid,andthey'rejustthesweetestladiesintheworld.
SniffjoinedthebroodandthecircleopeneduptomakeroomforTheAnimal'sBestInterest233him,likeanewmemberatAA.
Everyoneslidesonover,theydragoutanotherchair,pourthecoffee,Hi,mynameisSniffandI'vebeenabandoned.
Nextday,Arlene'sback,asexpected.
"He'smycat,"shesaid.
"Youcan'trefusetoletmetakehimhome.
"Ijustlookedather,blankasaslate.
"Andyou'relookingfor.
.
.
"Hereyesnarrowedindisbeliefandherheadtiltedlikeamari-onette's.
"Acat"Ireachedforthelogbook.
"What'dyousaythenamewasyouwerelookingfor""Snifes,"shesaid.
"Quiteaname,"Isaid.
"Snifes,"shetoldmeagain,theabsurdityofthatnameabso-lutelylostonher.
Iippedpages.
"Snifes,Snifes,Snifes,oh,here!
"Ilookedupather.
"Ohhoney,"Isaid,"I'msorry.
Snifes,righthere.
Itlookslikehe'sbeenadopted.
Lastweek,infact.
Arealnicefamily.
Iremember.
Reallynice.
"Ismiledapologetically.
"Adopted"shesaid,incredulous.
"Maybeyou'dbeinterestedinsomethingalittlelowermainte-nance"Ioffered.
"Snakesmakesuperpets,andyou'veonlygottofeedthemonceaweek.
.
.
"ButIletitgo.
Arlenewascrying.
ThenshemumbledsomethingIcouldn'thear,handsatherface,andshewalkedoutthatdoorforthelasttime.
ForanotherweekthatFebruaryArlenecontinuedherfootpa-trolsofEastThirdStreet.
Shenevercameintheshelteragain,neverevenlookedmyway,justpassedby,backandforth,thirty,sixty,ninetytimesaday.
Andthenattheendoftheweekshedis-appeared.
IimaginedherwiththesamelookonherfacethatSniffhadwhenhermothercarriedhimintotheshelterthatlasttime:herewegoagain,theanorexicgettingshuttledofftoanotherhospital,anotherIVshovedupherarm,anotherIVrippedoutofherarm.
Promisesoftenpoundsmade.
Promises,asalways,bro-ken.
Ineversawheragain,andforallIknowsheisnolongeralive.
Thatseemsmostlikely,Ithink,thoughitmakesmekindof234TheAnimal'sBestInterestqueasytothinkofherdead,toimaginethatshehassucceededatthat,ifnothingelse.
Sniffisagoodcat—docile,aloof,independenttothepointofoblivion,withthepurrofasteamrollerandthesleepinghabitsofanarcoleptic.
Heplayswellwiththeotherswhenhe'sinaplayfulmood.
Otherwise,hespendsalotoftimebyhimself,tuckedintoawindowseatoruponastaircase,justwatchingtheworldgoby.
It'sfunny,butIworryaboutSniffinawayIhavenotoveranyoftheotherfour,oranycatI'vekeptcompanywithinmylifethusfar.
Iwonderwhatkindofcatheis,Sniff,atheartandbyna-ture.
Iworrythathegiveshimselfawayindiscriminately:wentfromArlenetothesheltertomeandCherylwithoutsomuchasasneezeoraheartypissonsomenicerugtosay,I'vehadituptoherewiththisnomadiclife.
Thethingis,IworrythatI'llcomehomefromtheshelteronedayandndhimgone,wanderedoffwithanypartiallywarm-bodiedstrangerbearingacanofFriskiesBuffetordanglingascrapofstringinfrontofhisnose.
Butmorethanthat,Ifearthathe'lljustgoonhisown.
That'llhe'llgetboredorrestlessandpullupstakes,oreventhathe'lljustfollowabutterydowntheroadandkeepongoing.
Iamafraidthathisdisappearancewoulddevastateme,inexplicably,irrationally.
IthinkthatIdonotknowwhatIwoulddoifSniffweretopickhim-selfupandmovealong.
Idon'tthinkitmatterswhetherhelovesjusttoloveorlovesenoughtohatetoo.
That'sCheryl'stheoryofthewaythingswork,andI'vedecidedIdon'tagree.
Mineistheonlytheorythatseemstomakesensetome,andIguessthat'sprettyself-justifying,butwhatcanIdoThethingis,IthinkSniffisaloner.
MeandCherylandSidandSwansonandGertieandAliceandBebe—we'recouplers,groupies,communalsouls,andwe'llstickwiththebrood.
It'sthesafeplacetobe.
ButSniff—IthinkSniff'saloner.
LikeArlene,maybe.
Unlikeus,atleast.
AndIthinkmaybeI'mjealousofthatkindofpersonalfreedom,envi-ousofabodythatcanjusttakeoffrunning.
It'saweightlessaban-don,soforeignthatIalmostcan'tevenbeenvious.
Icanalmostonlyjustbeafraidandalittlebitawedatthesametime.
TheAnimal'sBestInterest235OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNightSilverTarkingtonwentonablinddatetotheChiltonSchoolseniorpromwithaboynamedBarryGorda,whowasthebestfriendofJarrett,whowastheboyfriendofFernandaAlbion,whowasthedaughterofthefamilyfriendswithwhomSilverhappenedtobestayingforthatparticularweekendinJune.
SilverhadtoyinfromHoustonforanearlyfreshmanorienta-tionatNYUthatcoincidedwiththeweekendofFernanda'sprom,andwhenSilverlearnedthatFernandawasndingheradateforsaidpromshewaslessthanthrilled.
She'dsufferedthroughherownprombackinTexasafewweeksearlierandcouldn'tmusteranounceofenthusiasmattheprospectofsloggingthroughan-otherone.
Besides,she'dbrokentheheelofonedyed-to-match236pumpandlosttheothersomewherebetweentheboomingHous-toncountryclubandthesandtrapjustpastthethirdtee,whereshe'dsmokedajointwithCyrilHouserwhileherowndatepukedpeachschnappsintoanazaleabushacrossthefairway.
Plus,thefactthatFernandahadtoimportagirlfromtwothousandmilesawaytobeBarryGorda'spromdatedidn'texactlyrecommendhimasarealwinner.
Nonetheless,Silverboughtafreshpairofhose,borrowedsomeshoes,rakedontherequisitemascara,andsqueezedherselfbackintotheshimmery-sagesnipofadressthathadseemedquiterecklessandinspiredbackinHoustonbuthereataNewYorkdanceclubamidstagroupofeighteenyearoldswhoappearedtobedressedlessforapromthanforahautecou-turefuneral,shefeltsortoflikeanoxidizedStatueofLiberty:atrieabsurdandworseforwear.
BarryGordathrewbigpartieswhenhisfolksleftforweekendsintheHamptons,hadlovehandlesthatbulgedoverhiscummer-bund,andwasknownaffectionatelyastheCheese.
"TheCheese"SilverwhisperedtoFernanda.
TheywereattheirtablewatchingBarryjogoutontothedanceoortoenter-tainagroupofbreak-dancingwhiteboyswhoclusteredaroundhimchanting"CHEESE.
CHEESE.
CHEESE.
CHEESE.
""BarryGouda,"Fernandaexplainedfrombeneathawell-archedeyebrow.
"Clever,"saidSilveratly.
"Oh,they'requiteacreativebunch,ourboys.
"Silvergavealittlesnort.
SheandFernanda—estrangedsinceageninewhentheAlbionshadmovedfromHoustontoManhat-tan—werehittingitoffagainfamously.
Markedlylessimpres-sivewasJarrett,Fernanda'sboyfriendofthreeyearswhomadeSilverthinkofaSt.
Bernardintails.
HewasheadedforTulaneinthefall,FernandaforHampshireCollege,andSilverguredanyattempttodoalong-distancethingwouldlastaboutthreedaysbeforeFernandahookedupwithsomemultiply-piercedmulti-mediaperformanceartistandsentJarrettrunningtotheLouisi-anaTri-Deltsforconsolation.
"Andwhat'stheCheesedoingwithhimselfnextyear"Silverasked.
"LastIheard,movingtoAmsterdam.
""Whereprostitution'slegal"OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNight237"Drugstoo,"Fernandaadded.
"Lovely.
"Fernanda'svoicewassuddenlylesscondent.
ShefacedSilver.
"Doyoutotallyhatemeforsettingyoutwoup"Silversmiledreassuringly.
"Pleasejustdon'tphraseitthatway—itsoundslikeyouthoughtwe'dreallyhititoff.
""Wellhecertainlyseemstohavetakenalikingtoyou,"Fer-nandateased,butitwasquiteplainlyandpainfullythetruthofthesituation.
"I'msureI'vedonesomethinginmylifetowarrantalittlepenance,"Silversaid.
"I'mthinkingofthisdateasasortofcom-munityservice.
""OK,"Fernandasaidsuddenly,hertoneabruptlynew,andshereachedoutandlaidherhandonSilver'sforearm.
Herfacewashedoverinasortofeerielm.
"Don'tturnaround,OKJustsitthereandpretendwe'rehavinganormalconversation.
""We'renot"Silverasked.
"What"Fernanda'sgazewasdistant,butlikeshewastryingtodemonstratetosomeonefarawaythatshewasfocusedveryintentlyonSilver.
Silverdidn'tturnaround.
ShehadthedistinctsensethatFernandamightslapherifshetried.
"Approachingfrombehindyou,"Fernandasaid,"issomeonewe'dliketoseespendaslittletimeatourtableaspossible.
Ifyouthinkofany-thingthat'llgetme,orhim,outofhere,doit.
Ready,two,one,wehavetouchdown.
"SomethinghadindeedlandedbesideSilverinBarryGorda'semptychair.
Itspokeasiftoannounceitself:"FernandaAlbion.
"Silverlookedhimstraighton.
"IthoughtshewasFernandaAlbion"shesaid,forkingathumbtowardherfriend.
Theguydidn'tseemtonoticeorcare.
"SmithParkerHewitt,"Fernandasaid,stonyasanything,drawnoutandslow.
"What'sthat,alawrm"Silverclucked,tonodiscernibleresponse.
"SilverTarkington,"Fernandasaid,liftingherchininSilver'sgeneraldirection.
"IsthisTheNameGame"Silversaid.
"Youdon'tgotoChiltondoyou"askedtheman.
Hehadaniceretro-lookingshirtunderhistuxjacket.
Helookedold,maybe238OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNightforty,andwasnothandsomebutattractive.
AsortofNeander-thalJohnF.
Kennedy.
"Isitrequiredthatweallanswerquestionswithquestions"Silverasked.
"Thatdependsonwhatgamewe'replaying,doesn'tit"hean-swered,stillstaringstraightatFernanda.
"Oh,OK,Igetit,"Silversaid.
"It'slikeKazaam,rightYoucan'tlookatthepersonyou'retalkingto"SuddenlyMr.
Ape-Kennedysnappedoutofwhatevertrancehe'dbeenin,scoopedahandfulofpeanutsfromadishonthetable,andturnedtoSilver,allchatty-casualandpeanut-poppingsmiles.
FernandaleanedtowardSilver,yetspokeinavoicethatanyonecouldhear.
"Mr.
HewittteachesScienceatChilton.
""Please,"hesaid,extendingahandtoSilver,"callmeSmith.
"FernandaclappedherhandoverbothofSilver'sandwithex-traordinaryinsistenceheldthemtothetable.
"CallhimMr.
He-witt,"shesaid.
"Don'ttakeanychances.
""It'ssohard,really,"Mr.
HewittsaidatSilver,asthoughthey'dbeenexchangingcondencesallevening.
"Evenduringsocialtime,"hesweptahandvaguelyatthedancingcrowd,"thestu-dentsstillinsistonenforcingthatdichotomy,reinscribingthegapbetweenteacherandstudent,puttingusatasurname'sdistance.
"Fernandasnortedandrecrossedherlegs.
"Asif,"shesaid,justasJarrettlumberedupbehindher.
Itwaslikeshecouldsmellhimcoming—notsurprising,Silvercouldtoo:Polocologneandte-quilashotssuckedbackinabathroomstall—andFernandaprac-ticallyjumpedonhimasheslidintothechairbesideher.
Itwasmoreaffectionthanshe'dshownhimallnight,andheslurpedathergratefully,likealong-neglectedhousepet.
"AndyouareMr.
SmithParkerHewittaskedSilver.
"Confused,"shesaid.
"You'reateenager,"hefunnelledanotherhandfulofpeanutsintohismouth.
"Whatdoyouexpect"Silverpulledatacurlofherhairandinspecteditforsplitends.
"Confused"Mr.
Hewittwavedhishandrightinfrontofherface,likeahypnotistcheckingtoseehowfarunderhispatienthadgone.
"Silver,"shesaid.
"What"OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNight239"Silver,"shesaidagain.
"Hiho,"hesaid.
"Whatisthis,wordassociation""Myname,"shetoldhim.
"Silver"Shenoddedonce,putoutahandtosay,enough,OKMr.
Hewitt,tohiscredit,movedgraciouslyon.
"Herewithhecued.
SilverturnedtowardthedanceoortopointoutherdateandraisedherhandattheexactmomentthatBarryGordahappenedtonishaoorspinandlookuptoseeifSilverhadcaughthiskillermove.
Mistakingherraisedhandasasignaltohim,heclimbedtohisfeet,gavealittlenodtotheguys(mywomancalls),andmadehiswaytowardthetable.
"TheCheese"Mr.
Hewittsaidwithanunmistakablenoteofamusement.
"Blinddate,"Silversaid,wishingshecouldliewellenoughtopulloffbeingmadlyinlovewithBarryGorda.
Shecouldn't.
"I'mafriendofFernanda's,"sheexplained,atwhichtheybothturnedagaintoFernanda,whowasthoroughlyengrossedinpickingthestrawberriesoffanextrapieceofshortcakeatthetableandlookedlikeshe'dforgottencompletelythatshewasatherseniorprom.
Shehadtheairofsomeonestandingnakedbeforeanopenrefrig-eratorat3a.
m.
nibblingleftovers.
Mr.
Hewitthadthedistinctairofsomeonewho'drolledoutofbedbehindher.
BarryarrivedatthetablefrazzledtondhisseatoccupiedbyaChemistryteacherandhoveredawkwardlybehindSilverandMr.
Hewitt.
Hesaid,"Hi,"butnoonewaspayingattention,sohejustkeptonstandingtheredoingalittlestationarysway-dance,tryingtogureouthowtoreclaimhisrightfulplaceatthetable.
HeickedouthislefthandandknockedMr.
Hewittontheshoulder.
"Theydidn'tgiveyoupeanutsatthechaperones'table,Mr.
H"Mr.
HewittglancedupatBarry,seeminglyunawarethathewaseatingpeanutsatall.
"Huh"hesaid.
Thesongintheairended,RedRedWinegivingwaytoadif-ferentbeatwhichBarry'sbodyseemedtorecognize.
WithhisrighthandheknockedSilverontheshoulderlikehewasapinballipper.
"Wannadance"heasked,twitchingtowardthecrowd.
Silverseizedthemoment.
SheyankedFernanda'sarm.
"Hey,240OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNightyouguys,Barrywantsusalltocomedance.
"BarrypulledSilverfromherchair;Silver,Fernanda;FernandagrabbedJarrett;andtheyewontothedanceoorlikealittlechainofcartoonani-mals,airborneasakitetailintheirhaste.
Mr.
Hewittwaslefttohissaltedpeanuts.
Everyonewasdancing;BillyIdolrousedeventhemostde-antlysedatepromster.
ThefoursqueezedintothecrowdandmadeatightcirclewhichfelttoSilverlikeadoublesboxingmatchsincesomeonehadobviouslytippedtheboysoffthatifalldancetechniquesfailed,theycoulddoRockymovesandnoonewouldknowthedifference.
SilvertriednottolookatBarryorJarrett,feigninginsteadwhatshehopedlookedlikeasortofmusic-infusedtrance,herenergyconcentratedinawhite-girloverbitetolettheworldknowshe'dbeentransportedbythesong,butre-ally,itwasjustnotthekindofmusicthatwouldinspiresuchblissed-outpossession,andwhenBarryandJarrettandthefewhundredothersweatyteenagersjoinedinonthemusicalbridgeslikedepravedfootballfansscreaming"HEYHEYWHATGETLAIDGETFUCKED,"itwassimplyimpossibleforSilvertomaintainanysortofdetachedobliviontothescenearoundher.
Itwasallbeginningtofeellikeherworstnightmareofafratparty—everyreasonshewasgettingthefuckoutofTexasandcomingtoNewYork,wherethingsweresupposedtobedifferentbut,apparently,werenot.
Silverwantedoffthedanceoor.
Amidthefrenzied,bouncingmob,SilvertriedtocatchFer-nanda'seyebutkeptcatchingBarry'sinsteadandthenhavingtopretendshehadn't.
FinallyshejuststeppedacrossthecircleandputherfacetoFernanda'sear.
"Bathroom,"sheshoutedandthengotmoppedinthefacebyacarwashofthick,drenched-with-sweathairasFernandanoddedyesandstoleSilverawayfromthecrowd.
Theladies'roomwasnotmuchroomier.
Ascantilyventilatedcavecrammedfullofgirlsinbaddresses,itwasthehang-outspotoftheuncool,thedateless,andthedowdy,anditseemedtoSil-verthatitwasprobablytheplaceshemostbelongedatthisen-tireaffair:inthebathroomshesawtherstouttsallnightthatboreeventhetiniesttwingeofcolor.
Thesewallpapergirlswerefriendly,atleast,smilingheytoFernandaandintroducingthem-selvestoSilverrightoffthebat,liketheywerewelcomingherOutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNight241intotheclubhouse.
SilverandFernandafoundaspotatthecor-nersinkbythetoweldispenser,andFernandapulledoutahand-fulofpapertowelsandstartedblottingherface.
Silverstuckherwristsunderthefaucet,lookedinthemirroratFernandabehindher,andwonderedifitwouldbetactlesstojustdemandanexpla-nationaboutMr.
Hewitt.
Fernandareadherthoughts.
"Oh,"shesaid.
"SoMr.
andthenshewavedherhandtosay,yesImeanHewitt,buttherearetoomanyearsheresoI'llnotusehisname.
SilverturnedoffthewaterandFernandahandedherawadoffreshtowels.
"Jesus,"Fernandasighed,"itallgoessofarback,"andhervoicewaslow,soSilvermovedinclosertohearasFernandahoistedherselfuptositonthebankofsinks.
"OK,"shesaidagain,"soI'vebeentotallyhotforhimsincelikeeighthgrade.
WehadhimforLifeScience,orwhateveryoulearnineighthgrade,and,Imean,yousawhim—he'ssuchalittlehot-tie.
"Fernandascowledthen,asifitjustmadehercrazytoadmithowdamnedattractiveshefoundhim.
"AndIknoweveryonehasthecrush-on-the-teacherthing,whatever,butitwasn'tlikethat.
Therewasathingwithus.
Betweenus,youknowWeirted.
Butnotliketeacher-and-studentirting,youknow"AndthoughSilverwasn'tsureshedidknowhowelseexactlyaNeanderthalscienceteachermightirtwithathirteenyearold,shenoddedanyway.
Fernandaloweredhervoiceconspiratorially.
"Anyway,itgoesonlikethatforever,Jarrettandwhateverotherguysinmylifenotwithstanding.
Andofcourseitgetsmoreintense,youknow,astimegoeson,asIgetolder.
It'slike:onceyou'vesleptwithsomeone,thentheideaofsleepingwithanothersomeonejustisn'tsuchabigdeal.
AndthenonceI'dsleptwithacouplepeople,youknow,itwasjustlike,OK,IwanttosleepwithMr.
Hewitt.
Whichiswhatit'sallbeenaboutwithhimsincefuckingeighthgrade.
"Silverdidaheavy-liddedblink,tryingtoconveyshock.
"Youdidn't.
""Ugh—Idid.
"Fernanda'sfacebrokeinaguiltysmile.
"Threeweeksago,"sheconded,likethiswasgossipaboutsomeoneelseshewasspreading,notherownlifeturningintotabloidbeforeherveryeyes.
"Barryhadaparty.
Jarrettwasawaywithhisfolksatsomefamilyweddingsomething.
Smith—Mr.
Hewitt—helives242OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNightlikeablockawayfromBarry.
"Silvermusthavelookedkindofrevoltedthen,becauseallofasuddenFernandastartedtryingtojustifyeverything.
"He'snottotalskeeze,"shesaid.
"It'snotlikehecomestohighschoolpartiesonaregularbasis.
"Silverwasskeptical.
"No,no,Iswear.
Hedoesn'tevencometoBarry'sever.
Hejustcamethatnight.
HeknewJarrettwasaway.
"Silverwasbarelyhearingthedetailsatthispoint;herbrainwasstilltryingtomakeitswayaroundtheoriginalfact.
WhenshespokeshecouldreadherownlipsinthemirrorbehindFer-nanda'shead.
"YousleptwithyourChemistryteacher.
""Ugh,"Fernandagrunted,likeshe'dheardalltheadmonish-mentsbefore.
"Iknow,Iknow,Iknow.
.
.
Butthethingisthatthat'snotit.
""Whatelsedidyoudo"Silversaid,unabletoimagineatthatmomentwhatelseonecoulddo.
"It'snotwhatwedid,"Fernandasaid,andSilver'sreliefwasnearlypalpable.
"It'sjust,hewon'tleaveitthere,youknowYou'dthinkitwouldbetheotherwayaround,"Fernandawenton,"olderguyfucksyoungergirlandthenblowsheroffwhileshegetsstupidandmoonyanddecidesshe'sinlove,andhe'stheone,andyaddayaddayadda.
And,youknow:whatever.
Itwasne.
Itwassex.
Whatever.
Buthim—he'stotallygone.
"Fernandapaused,asiftoletthatsinkin,butSilverdidn'twanttoinferanythingaboutwhat"gone"meantuntilFernandaclariedherterms.
Therewerealotofwaysonecouldinterpret"gone.
"ThewholethingwasabadTVmovie.
DenitelyonesetinTexas.
"Hecallsmyhouse,"Fernandasaid.
"IhadtotellmyfolksIwasonthefuckingpromcommitteeandhewastheadvisor!
Heleaveslettersinmylocker,andthey'realllike:he'sinlovewithme,hewantstobewithme,Ishouldn'tgoawaytocollege.
.
.
""Hesaidthat"Silverasked,incredulous.
"Insomanywords,"Fernandasaid.
"Andit'slikehe'sreassur-ingme—likeI'mgoingtothinkhe'sbailingandhewantsmetoknowthathe'sseriouslyinlovewithme.
Likethisisallcom-pletelyhisreallife.
"Shepaused,almostoutofbreath.
"Imean,whatdoIdowiththat"sheasked,anditwasanearnestques-tion,likeshethoughtSilvermightactuallyhavearesponse.
ThebathroomdoorswungopenagainwithablastofmusicOutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNight243thatmadeSilverfeellikeshe'dhadawadofcottonyankedoutofherears.
likenooneelse,ooh,ooh,shedrivesmecrazy,Ican'thelpmyself,ooh,ooh.
.
.
"Somegirlonherwayintothebathroomhadstoppedinthethresholdtalkingtosomeoneinthehall,thedoorproppedopenonhertaffetahip.
SuddenlyFernan-da'sexpressionwenttight,eyesnarrowedtocharcoalslits.
Out-side,Mr.
Hewittstoodwithoneshoulderrestinglightlyagainsttheoppositewall,ostensiblyengagedinconversationwiththegirlinthedoorway,buthisstarewastraineddirectlypastherandintothebathroom.
Fernandashookoutherhair,gavehimthecoolangleofherprole,threwbackherheadandlaughedandSilverthought:whatyoudoisstopdoingthat.
InthemirrorbehindFernanda,Silvercouldseetherowoftoi-letstalls,asteadystreamofgirlsinblacktrottinginandout,themetalhingedoorsswingingopenandshut,allofitippingpastlikeagameyoucan'tquitestayontopof,aroundofThree-CardMontywhereeverything'smovingfartoofast.
Andthesegirls—allofthem,withtheirslycome-hitherstares,theiryouwantmeyoucomegetmelooks,orthatdead-onfrozenglarethatsaysinyourdreams,asshole—theyturnawaythen,outofthegirls'roomandintothenight,andwhattheyknow,ordon'tknow—andmaybethat'sthecruxandthetragedyofitallrightthere—isthattheymaybesayingyoupieceofshitbastardyouthinkyoucanfuckme.
Butatthesametime,they'resayingI'llletyou.
Inthesamebreaththey'resayingyoucan.
244OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNightTheIowaShortFictionAwardandJohnSimmonsShortFictionAwardWinners1999HouseFires,NancyReismanJudge:MarilynneRobinson1999OutoftheGirls'RoomandintotheNight,ThisbeNissenJudge:MarilynneRobinson1998FriendlyFire,KathrynChetkovichJudge:StuartDybek1998TheRiverofLostVoices:StoriesfromGuatemala,MarkBrazaitisJudge:StuartDybek1997ThankYouforBeingConcernedandSensitive,JimHenryJudge:AnnBeattie1997WithintheLightedCity,LisaLenzoJudge:AnnBeattie1996HintsofHisMortality,DavidBorofkaJudge:OscarHijuelos1996WesternElectric,DonZancanellaJudge:OscarHijuelos1995ListeningtoMozart,CharlesWyattJudge:EthanCanin1995MayYouLiveinInterestingTimes,TerezeGlückJudge:EthanCanin1994TheGoodDoctor,SusanOnthankMatesJudge:JoyWilliams1994IglooamongPalms,RodValMooreJudge:JoyWilliams1993Happiness,AnnHarlemanJudge:FrancineProse1993Macauley'sThumb,LexWillifordJudge:FrancineProse1993WhereLoveLeavesUs,RenéeManfrediJudge:FrancineProse1992MyBodytoYou,ElizabethSearleJudge:JamesSalter1992ImaginaryMen,EnidShomerJudge:JamesSalter1991TheAntGenerator,ElizabethHarrisJudge:MarilynneRobinson1991Traps,SondraSpattOlsenJudge:MarilynneRobinson1990AHoleintheLanguage,MarlySwickJudge:JayneAnnePhillips1989Lent:TheSlowFast,StarkeyFlythe,Jr.
Judge:GailGodwin1989LineofFall,MilesWilsonJudge:GailGodwin1988TheLongWhite,SharonDilworthJudge:RobertStone1988TheVenusTree,MichaelPritchettJudge:RobertStone1987FruitoftheMonth,AbbyFruchtJudge:AlisonLurie1987StarGame,LuciaNevaiJudge:AlisonLurie1986EminentDomain,DanO'BrienJudge:IowaWriters'Workshop1986Resurrectionists,RussellWorkingJudge:TobiasWolff1985DancingintheMovies,RobertBoswellJudge:TimO'Brien1984OldWives'Tales,SusanM.
DoddJudge:FrederickBusch1983HeartFailure,IvyGoodmanJudge:AliceAdams1982ShinyObjects,DianneBenedictJudge:RaymondCarver1981ThePhototropicWoman,AnnabelThomasJudge:DorisGrumbach1980ImpossibleAppetites,JamesFetlerJudge:FrancineduPlessixGray1979FlyAwayHome,MaryHedinJudge:JohnGardner1978ANestofHooks,LonOttoJudge:StanleyElkin1977TheWomenintheMirror,PatCarrJudge:LeonardMichaels1976TheBlackVelvetGirl,C.
E.
PovermanJudge:DonaldBarthelme1975HarryBeltenandtheMendelssohnViolinConcerto,BarryTarganJudge:GeorgeP.
Garrett1974AftertheFirstDeathThereIsNoOther,NatalieL.
M.
PeteschJudge:WilliamH.
Gass1973TheItineraryofBeggars,H.
E.
FrancisJudge:JohnHawkes1972TheBurningandOtherStories,JackCadyJudge:JoyceCarolOates1971OldMorals,SmallContinents,DarkerTimes,PhilipF.
O'ConnorJudge:GeorgeP.
Elliott1970TheBeachUmbrella,CyrusColterJudges:VanceBourjailyandKurtVonnegut,Jr.
ThisbeNissenreceivedherMFAfromtheIowaWriters'Workshopin1997;sheiscurrentlyaJamesMichener–PaulEngleFellowattheUniversityofIowa.
Hersto-rieshaveappearedinStoryandSeventeenMagazine.
ShelivesinWestLiberty,Iowa.
Photocredit:ErinErgenbright