Selfishleavemealone

183E.
A.
Kreuter,K.
M.
Moltner,TreatmentandManagementofMaladaptiveSchemas,DOI10.
1007/978-3-319-06817-6,SpringerInternationalPublishingSwitzerland2014ConclusionsWhenyouhavegonesofarthatyoucan'tmanageonemorestep,thenyou'vegonejusthalfthedistancethatyou'recapableof—GreenlandProverbsInthesequenceoflivingalife,negativepatternscandevelop.
Thesepatternscanleadtomaladaptivethinking,whichcanservetotemporarilyorpermanentlyderailtheharmonyformerlyknowntotheperson.
Ifpossible,theprocessofrecoveringfromtheaftermathofsuchnegativeschemasmaytaketimeandmayrequireapro-fessionalcoachortherapisttohelpthetroubledpersonregainhisorherfootholdonlife.
Itisthenewperspectiveofresolvingdilemmaorproblemswithone'sownthinkingthatelevatesapersonintoahigherstateofconsciousawarenessoftheirownabilitytocreateturmoilinhisorherlife.
Varioustreatmentregimensexisttohelpguideapersontowardsamoreeffec-tivewayofthinking.
Treatingsymptomscanworkforsome;treatingthewholepersonmayworkbestforothers.
Treatingthewholepersonrequiresgaininganunderstandingoftheperson'sgoalsandobjectivesinlife,aswellasthecurrencyofissuesthattheclientfeelsarebothersome,requiringintervention.
Becauseofthecomplexitiesofthehumanmindandspiritandthepotentialforsomeoftheunder-lyingnegativitytobeunderneaththeconsciouslevel,therapeuticeffortsmaynotbeeasy,mayrequiresignificanteffortandadequatetime.
Therapyisagift(Yalom2001).
Assuch,clientswhoreachouttoothersforguidanceavailthemselvesoftheindependentresources,whichcanserveascatalyststowardsdeeperexplorationofthetoxicityineverydaylife.
Itistheroadunblockedandthepathwaynewlyclearedthatenablesomeonetobecometrulynewandawakened,readytofacethechal-lenges,bothchronicandnew.
Bylearningaboutone'sownself,apersoncanthenworkonfine-tuningoradjustinghisorherrepertoire.
Inthisprocess,newfiltersemergeandnewabilitiesrisetothesurface,enablingfornoticeableandsubstantialchangetotakeplace.
Thetherapeuticaimistocreateaworkingrelationshipwiththeclientinordertoachieveaneffectivestrategywiththeclientforadoptionintotheclient'srepertoire.
Effectivetherapyrequiresacooperativeandvocalclientandanethicalandskilledprofessionaltoguidetheprocess.
Providingtheclientwithassignmentswillen-abletheclienttotakegreaterresponsibilityfortheirtherapy,providingthemwithasenseofownershipandempowerment.
Toolscanbegiventoclientswhothencan184Conclusionsbeencouragedtogooutintotheworldandusethetrial-and-errormethodtotestthenewideasandseehowtheyworkintheirownlives.
Thedirectapplicationofnewconceptstoordinaryandextraordinarylifesituationswillservetoreinforcethosethatproveefficaciousandmayverywellleadtolastingchangeoncethenewapproachesarefullyingrained,which,then,equatetoashiftinone'sparadigms,leadingtopositiveschema.
Thecausesofshiftsinparadigmaticthinking,leadingtonegativeschemas,canbeexploredtohelptheclientdeterminehisorhervulnerabilities.
Doingsohelpstheclientbecomemoreresilientagainstfutureencounterswithsimilarissuesandmayfortifythepersontowithstandtheonslaughtofnewissuesthatmightturnthepersontowardsnegativethinking.
Treatingthewholehumanbeingseemsessential,whichdemandsconsiderationoftheperson'slifegoals,fears,superstitions,spiritualessence,andrawabilities.
Addedtotheseisthebenefitofassessingtheperson'slevelofcreativityandhisorherwillingnesstoengagefullyintheprocessofexplorationtowardsanimprovedmethodofrespondingtostimuli.
Humansaremostfortunatetohavethegiftofacerebralcortex,allowingthemtobebothcunningandcreative.
Theprocessofturningawayfromnegativity,whileentirelyoptional,somewhatuncomfortable,andperhapsrisky,canhelpinthewon-derfullyexcitingprocessoftransformation.
Theauthorsandthefinecontributorsofmaterialforthisbookbelieveintheabil-ityofthepersontoreconstructhisorherlifethroughtheirvoluntaryeffortstolookwithintheselfforcluesastowhatworksandwhatdoesnotworksowell.
185AfterwordCathleenM.
Kreuter,MS-MFTBeinginvitedtowritetheafterwordforthismanuscriptwassuchanhonor.
Asthedaughteroneoftheauthors(Kreuter)andasamentalhealthclinician,Ihavehadthepleasureoflearningandgrowingasapersonandatherapist/coachthroughmyacademicpursuit,aswellasfromthesupportandknowledgeofthisauthor.
Hisdedicationtothefieldofmentalhealthhasinspiredmetomeetandexceedmyownexpectationsthroughself-discoveryandpositivereinforcement.
Kreuter,asapub-lisher,haswrittenseveralbooksthathaveinspiredandmotivatedthelivesofthosehehashadthepleasureofmeeting,andIamnoexception.
Kreuterisalifelongstudentandthereforeheneverstopslearning;thisbeingthemarkofatruescholarandmentalhealth/lifecoach.
Withthatsaid,itisnotwithoutgreatpridethatIwriteaboutthecontextofthismanuscriptasitrelatesdirectlytothetherapeuticmodalitiesusedamongclientscurrently.
Thetextdescribestransformationandhowitcomesfromwithin,whencoachedfromthosewiththeknowledgetoeducateandsupportone'sjourneytohealandgrow.
Aswelookthroughthefacetsofthistext,wefindthatKreuterandMoltnerusepertinentreferencesandresources,aswellashumorwhereappropriatetosupporttheirnotionthat"Coachingbecomesessentialtohelpthepersonover-comedifficulties,"ormaladaptiveschemasthataredeeplyrootedintheirpersonal-ityandlifeexperiences.
Whilereadingthismanuscript,thereaderwillfindthatitcoversmanydiffer-entelementsincluding,butnotlimitedto,paradigmsandmaladaptivethought,theinvolvementofspirituality(personalbeliefsystems),therapeuticapproachestotreatmentofmaladaptiveschemas,andthedissectionofhowtheproblempresentsitself.
KreuterandMoltnercontinuewithhowtheproblembecomesingrainedinpersonality,exploringthestrengthtoovercometheseingrainedbehaviors,aswellascasevignettesthatdemonstratetheuseofcoachingtoshiftthesemaladaptiveschemas,andthelastingeffectsofthetherapeuticrelationship.
Bytheendofthemanuscript,itwillbecleartoseethepivotalpurposecoachingplaysonone'sabil-itytoovercometheirmaladaptiveparadigms,butnotwithoutunderstandingthat"Suchhelp,whileavailable,cannotbeginwithoutthepersonfirstadmittinghe/shehasaproblemandthedesiretoinvesttime,effort,andperhapsfinancialresources,toexploretheproblemanddecideonnewactionsteps.
"E.
A.
Kreuter,K.
M.
Moltner,TreatmentandManagementofMaladaptiveSchemas,DOI10.
1007/978-3-319-06817-6,SpringerInternationalPublishingSwitzerland2014186AfterwordAsatherapist,thedirectionthismanuscripttakesinspiresmycoachingrolebe-causeitremindsmeoftherealityofdynamicswithinaclient'slife,theingrainedlifeexperiencesweallhave,andthesupportandknowledgethatitcanbeverydifficulttodissectandimproveourmaladaptivebehaviorswithoutthehelpandsupportofaneutralparty.
Workingwithdifferentpopulations,allofwhomcomewithdifferentlifeexperiences,childhoodmemories,andfamilydynamics,aswellasfromdifferentsocioeconomicstatuses,therapistsneedtobemindfulthatnotalltherapeutictechniquesarecookie-cuttermodelsfortreatingsuchawidearrayofproblems.
Itshouldalsobenotedthatnotallproblemsarebesttreatedbyonesolemodality.
Therefore,thismanuscriptistheidealtexttohelpdifferentiatemaladap-tiveschemasandthebestpracticeforeachindividual,noteachproblem.
Aperfectexampleofthiswouldbetreatingtwoindividualswhodonotknoweachotherandbothsufferfromdepression.
Oneoftheseindividualsmaybeayoungadultraisingfouryoungchildrenwhosefatherabandonedthemafterfind-inganotherwoman.
Themotherofthesechildrenisnowleftasasingleparenttoraisethechildreninaone-bedroomapartmentandiscurrentlyunemployed.
Thestrugglesandfinancialburdenthiswomannowfaceshasleftherfeelingdepressed.
Whereastheotherindividualmaybea47-year-oldmanlivingwithhiswifeandtwoteenagechildreninamodestthree-bedroomhouseinanupscalepartoftown.
Themanmaintainsajobasafinancialanalystandthefamilylivescomfortably.
Theman,however,hasbeendepressedformanyyearsandisunsurewhy.
Bothoftheseindividualssufferfromdepression,buttheircausesremainindividualizedand,therefore,thetreatmentmodalitiesandobjectivesmustbeacceptedbyeachindividualinorderfortheirmaladaptiveschemastobepositivelyinfluenced.
AnotherconceptdiscussedbyKreuterandMoltnerinthisbookistheirfocusonmaintainingapositiveoutlookonlifeforeachindividualwecoach.
Therefore,"…thebesthelpwecangiveanotherhumanbeingisencouragementtodevelopthemtobecomebetter,brighter,moreawareandincreasinglycapabletowithstandthemightychallengesahead.
"Laterinthetext,theauthorsmakeanotherimpor-tantpoint,fittingwiththedialoguethatfocusesonmaintainingapositiveoutlook,whichisthatone's"…validationoftheachievementsandeffortsofothersregard-lessofhowsmallwemaydeemthesetobebyourownselfishdefinition.
"Thisconcludesthatifthecoachdoesnotmaintainapositiveoutlookontheirclient'slikelyoutcomeandsuccess,howmighttheclientbeabletodothesameIbelievethatasanadult,notjustachild,whatweseeeffectshowwebehave.
Thisdoesnotinandofitselfleadotherpeopletobehavethesameway.
However,achildmaybemoreapttoseesomethinghe/shewantsandtakesit,leadingtoan-otherchildseeinghimdoitandgettingawaywithit.
Thismaythenresultinhisorherdesirestodothesamething.
Althoughmostadultsunderstandthatjustbecausesomeoneelsedoessomethingdoesnotmeantheyhavetodoitthemselves,whenbehaviorsareprogrammedintoourbrains(especiallyatayoungage),wearemoreapttosubconsciouslyactandhavelessawarenessofthechoiceswemake.
Whenthishappens,Ihaveheardpeoplesay"Ican'thelpit"andtruthbeknownthatunlessweareawareofournegativebehaviorsandhavethesupporttochangethem,wewillcontinuetorepeatthesame,unhealthybehaviors.
187AfterwordInconclusion,thismanuscriptwillprovidetherapistsandcoachesalikewithabroadersenseofthemeaningofmaladaptiveschemasandmoreinsightintoeffec-tivetherapeutictechniquesandcoachingpatterns.
Sometimes,wemustlookinsideourselvesandseeourownmaladaptivepatternstobeabletounderstandthesig-nificancetheyhaveonourbehaviorsandactions.
Oncethishasbeenaccomplished,wecanhelpothersdiscovertheirownmaladaptivebehaviors,theircauses,andpos-siblesolutionstoimprovetheirabilitytocontroland/orchangetheirmaladaptiveschemas.
IdohopeyouenjoyreadingthismanuscriptasmuchasIhave,asitwasagifttodoso.
189AppendicesAppendixATemplateforaShiftinThinking(Kreuter/MoltnerSchema-ChangeModel)Asawayofprovidingreaders,therapists,andcoacheswitharoadmaptowardsmakingadiscernibleshiftinanaspectoftheirthoughtprocess,thefollowingisasuggestedmodel:Name_DateStatementoftheproblemHowlonghastheproblembeenaproblemInwhatwaysdoestheproblemimpactofoneormoreaspectsoflifeWhathaveyoutriedinthepasttocontroloreliminatetheproblemWhathappenedDescribeyourownershipoftheproblem(yourpersonalresponsibilityforit)E.
A.
Kreuter,K.
M.
Moltner,TreatmentandManagementofMaladaptiveSchemas,DOI10.
1007/978-3-319-06817-6,SpringerInternationalPublishingSwitzerland2014:KRZLOO\RXUFRDFKWKHUDSLVWPHQWRUDOO\LQWKHSURFHVVRILPSURYHPHQWZLOOEH"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB:KDWLV\RXUJRDOIRUFRPSOHWHWUDQVIRUPDWLRQRIWKHSUREOHP"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB:ULWHDSHUVRQDOVWDWHPHQWRI\RXUFRPPLWPHQWWREHJLQWKHSURFHVVRIUHVROXWLRQBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB$VSDUWRIWKHSURFHVVRIVKDULQJ\RXUSHUVRQDOVWDWHPHQWZLWKDQRWKHUSHUVRQRUSHUVRQVZULWHWKHLUDGYLFHRUFRPPHQWVKHUHBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB:KDWGR\RXVHHDVWKHQH[WILYHVWHSVDORQJWKHSURFHVVVWDUWLQJZLWKWKHRQHPRVWHDVLO\DFKLHYHG"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB+RZZLOO\RXPHDVXUHWKHOHYHORIDFKLHYHGVXFFHVVIRUHDFKVWHS"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAppendices190Appendices191,I\RXVWXPEOHDORQJWKHZD\KRZZLOO\RXXVH\RXUGHWHUPLQDWLRQWRUHQHZ\RXUHIIRUWDQGUHVXPHWKHSURFHVVRIWUDQVIRUPDWLRQ"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB:LOO\RXDJUHHWRPDLQWDLQDORJGLDU\GHVFULELQJ\RXUHIIRUWVDQGUHVXOWV"BBBBBBBBBBBBBB,QZKDWZD\VZLOO\RXUHPLQG\RXUVHOIRI\RXUJRDOV"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB'HVFULEHKRZ\RXUOLIHZLOOEHRQFH\RXDWWDLQ\RXUJRDOBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB+RZGR\RXIHHOKDYLQJPDGHWKHFRPPLWPHQWWRFKDQJHRUVWDUWHGWKHSURFHVV"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB'DWHJRDODFKLHYHGBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBB$IWHU\RXDFKLHYHG\RXUJRDOZKDWZLOO\RXGRWRPDLQWDLQWKHFKDQJHVWKRXJKWSURFHVV"BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAppendixBThreePointsinTimeEssayPurposeTohelpthepersoncreateapersonalessaythatexploresthepersonhe/shewere,thepersonhe/shearecurrently,andthepersonhe/shewouldliketobeinthefuture.
Thisessayaffordstheindividualwithanopportunitytoexplorehisorherinnerthoughtspertainingtohisorherhonestyabouthimorherselfreflectivebackandforward.
Theemphasisisonbeinginthemoment,butusingthehistoricalrefer-encetoseewherethepersonwasandtheevolutiontothepresentmomenttothenpropelthepersontowardsprojectinghisorherfuture.
Indoingso,theburdenofdevelopingaroadmaptogetfromheretherebecomesclearer,enablingthepersontosetcertainplansintoaction.
192(VVD\BBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBBAppendicesAppendixCPanic—ControllingtheBeastWithintheDomainofthePsycheBeforeOnset1.
Realizesituationsthatcauseyoutopanic2.
Relaxyourphysicalbody3.
Breatherhythmicallyandslowlytolowerheartrate4.
Settleyourmind5.
Realizethatstressispartofanormallifeandcanhelpyourfocus6.
Avoiddisparatethoughtscompetingforattention7.
Prioritizeyourthinkingtodecreasefloodingofimmediateissues8.
Considerwhichaspectsofthesituationyoucancontrol9.
Remindyourselfwhereyouare,whyyourarethere,andwhatisexpectedofyou10.
Realizeyouhaveknowledge,skills,andabilitiestohandleallthatisrequiredandthatyouarereallyonlyresponsiblefordoing,andcanonlydo,yourbest—thisincludesbreakingdownthesituationintomanageableparts11.
Useawordorphrasetoyourselfthatyouhavememorizedasyourcalmingmantra,suchas:"Iamfineandhealthyandnothavinganyproblems"or"Noth-ingwillhappentodaythatIcannothandle"IfFeelingOnset1.
First,acceptitandembracetheopportunitytopracticecontroltechniques2.
Inventorywhatisgoingonintheroomandinyourmind3.
Settleyourmindtoaless-complexplace4.
Breathedeeplyandslowlywithoutracingyourthoughts5.
Avoidcatastrophicthoughtsthattheworldisabouttoend6.
Iftheworldactuallyisabouttoend,ignore1–3andrunawayIfyouFeelTerrible1.
Sitquietlyforamoment,closeyoureyes,andformamentalimageofahappyplace(beach,etc.
)2.
Remindyourselfthisistemporaryandyouwillgetthroughit3.
Seethefeelinglikeawavethatends193Appendices194AppendicesMeditativeExerciseDailySitonthefloorinacomfortablepositionandfocusyourattentionofaspe-cificitemintheroom,suchasalight.
Narroworlimityourmind'sattentiontoonlythatimage.
Whenyourmindtriestowander,bringitbacktotheimage.
Stayinthispostureuntilyoufeelcompletelyrelaxedandthinkingoftheonesingularthought.
AppendixDInventoryofthePositivesInallofourlives,therearesomethingsthatarepositiveandprovideuswithjoy,provideusemotionalsustenance,providehope,orthatjustprovideamomentortwotorelaxandtakeitallin.
And,hopefully,thepositivescanbereliedupontohelpusbegintobuildapositiveattitude.
AfriendofaclosefriendofMoltnersuggestedthefollowingtechnique:Makealistofsuchthingsandeverydaylookinthemirrorandrecitethemoutloud.
Indoingso,therecanbeachangeinattitude.
Thefollow-ingaresomepossibilitiesthatmayapplytoyou.
Writeupyourown;itcanbejustafew.
Writetheminorderifyoupreferorinnoparticularorder.
Allthatisimportantisthattheyaremeaningfultoyou.
Butwritethemup,andthenlookinthemirror:1.
Hugging,playingwith,orjustwatchingyourchildrenplayorsleep2.
Youraccomplishments(specifically,therearemanymorethanyoumightfirstthink)3.
Yourspouseandthereasonsyoumarriedoryourgirlfriend/boyfriendandthereasonsyouarewithher/him4.
Yourhealth5.
Yourfavoriteexercise6.
Spendingtimewithyourfriends7.
Spendingtimewithyourlovedones8.
Agoodnight'ssleep9.
Music,painting,dancing10.
Seeingaconcert,amovie,aplay11.
Reading12.
Writing13.
Traveling,experiencingdifferentcultures14.
Eatingdifferentfoods;tryingdifferentrestaurants15.
Eatingthesamefoodatyourfavoriterestaurants16.
Beingatease17.
Beingpassionate18.
Meetingnewpeople19.
Asunnyday20.
Thesoundofrainagainstthewindow21.
Afunnyjoke195AppendicesAppendixEPoetryThejourneyofathousandmilesbeginswithasinglestep.
—Lao-tseThePathAheadNurturingfromadistance,yetsocloseatheart.
Riversofsolemntearsflowassilentwhispers.
Theonlywishisforyoutobewell.
Whateverisnecessaryshallbecomethequest.
Igaveyoubirthandyoubecamemyson.
Thisbondcanneverbeimpeachedbystruggle.
Weareinthistogether,afamilyjustthesame.
Eachlamentingoveryourtrialsandagony.
Ifeelimmensepaindeepinside.
Thehurtlikedaggersstabbingatmysoul.
Mothersarestrong,buthowwillImakeitthroughQuestionsandmorequestions.
Hopebegetshope,challengedbydespair.
Thenamomentofpeace.
Iseeyousmile.
CouldhappinessandresolvebejustaroundthebendAlittlebitmorestruggleandjustmaybe.
MaybeUnhommeélégantSoft-spoken,butchosehiswordsthoughtfully.
Agentlespirit,thoughhe,likeall,hadhismoments.
Caringforfamilywastheconstant.
Hewasastepabovemostandalwaysaccessible.
FromFrancetoFlorida,withNewJerseyinbetween.
Whereverhewasheenjoyedalloflife.
Workingtosellandsellhonestly,henevertired.
Fromplasticstoresidences,heknewhisproducts.
Personableanddebonair,heenjoyedpeople.
Acardplayerandpuzzler,hewascleverindeed.
Dignifiedandrespected,hefoundtimetohelpinthecommunity.
Rewardedwithlonglifeeachmomentwassavored.
Maytheseareceiveyouandpreserveyouressence.
Reposerenpaix.
Oncethen,butnowOncealittleboywokeupandsawthesunHesmiledandrosetofacetheday196TheboygrewupandbecameamanHestruggledwithpainofchildhoodtraumaHislifeprogressedandhehadhappymomentsButsomethingwasmissingHemetawomanlaterinlifeShewassobeautifulHewascaptivatedbyhercharmandpoiseHisheartmeltedwhenshesmiledHerememberedhowhefeltwhenhesawthesunShebecamehisnewlightandnewwarmthHeembracedherNeverceasing,heembracesherAlwaystoloveandcherishthisspecialwomanTotheendofdaystheirhandsmustclaspTheloveneversettingThepassionnottobeeclipsedThepainofchildhoodwouldalwaysbeinhismemoryButtheloveofhislifewillalwaysbethecureTohold,tohug,tokiss,toloveSheishiseverything;nothingremainsundoneThesunintheworldwillsetonedayButhisloveforherwillendurethroughtimeNever-EndingBeginningsNewnessariseslikethetomorrowmoonofyesterday.
Awakenedtodiscoverrenewedresolvetobecome.
Destinyawaitsthehungrysoulseekingnewhorizons.
Toilingacrossthedesertlookingfortheoasis.
Constancyofmovementneverstifledbyself-doubt.
Wherethedirectionisunclearthemotivationremainsstrong.
Drivenbythedimlightofthesettingsun.
Lightshinesfromwithinlikeabeaconofhope.
Thereisstrife,buttheimpactcannotendure.
Positiveinternalvoicedrownsoutallnegativity.
Atjunctionsofassessment,alwaysdecisiontocontinue.
Neverceasing;alwayscreating;being,butthriving.
Magnum'sDreamThestarsmagicallysparkleinthenightair.
Warmsummerwindscoolmyfur.
CuddlingwithmyCathywaslifetome.
Iampartofthedreamnow,butahappydream.
Iamhereandwillalwaysbeherewhenyouneedme.
JustasyoualwayslovedmeevenIwasnaughty.
YouunderstoodmeandIknewyourheart.
Welaughedandcriedandwalkedandran.
Ibecameold,buthadawonderfullife.
Youcaredformeinspecialway.
Youaremybestfriend,mycomfort,mydelight.
Mydayswerehappywithyouandendedwithyoubymyside.
Iwanteditjustthatway.
Youaremyeverydreamandwillbeforever.
Mylittlebodyworeout,butIenjoyedmylifewithyou.
Appendices197AppendicesThankyouforgivingmemyeternalrestandpeace.
Iloveyou,Cathy.
YourMagnumMyFavorite—YouIhavemanyfavoritefoods,Butyouaremyfavoriteperson.
Onedaughteristhefavorite,ButIhaveonlyonedaughter.
Idonothaveafavoritechild,Butallmychildrenthinkthattheyare.
Whenthemoonglows,itisspecial,Butyoureyesglowstrongerandbrighter.
ThefeelofthewindinmyfacewhenIrunisglorious.
Yet,youprovidethesustainingwindinmyentirelife.
Thingsofnatureholdbeautyandstorevalue.
But,youarepricelessandbeyondmeasure.
WhenIhavesomethingimportanttosay,Itisyouwhowouldbeconsulted.
Inthesmallhoursoftherestlessnight,ItisyourwarmandsweethandIreachfortohold.
NoheartfeltlongingevercouldexceedThepassion'sfireofmissingyouforasinglemoment.
Thoughagebringscertaindifferencesinability,Thereisonlygrowthforusinthetruestsense.
Withinthelovethereiseverlasting.
Withinthelastingthereisforevermore.
Therecan,then,neverbemorethanforever.
Iwanttospendforeverwithyou.
Tolivethefavoritelife,TheoneIlivehappilywithyou.
So,fornootherreasons,Youaremyfavorite.
ButreasonsareunnecessaryBecauseIcanshowyoueveryday.
Sometimesasmile,Thenahug;maybeagift.
Butinthewarmthoftheknowing,Insidemysoul,youseewhereyouare,Whichisvestedinthatplace,Thatplaceknownasthefavorite,Nevertoimpeach,maybetotrial,Butalwaystotriumph,Alwaystoremainstrong.
Theloveburnslongerthanthecandle'sflicker.
Mythirstforyouressenceneverquenched.
Beforemyeyesclosethelasttime,maytheyseeyou.
EndearingGranddaughterFrequentvigilheldinquietsorrow.
Watchingthelifepassfromhiseyes.
Whohewas,toher,waseverything.
Now,heendures,invibrantmemory.
198Nothingislost,really,forthesoulendures.
Asthedeerlongsforrunningstreams,So,too,shelongsforthesoundofhisvoice.
Buttherushofthewindstillcallshisname.
Eveninagony,sheknewhewasthere.
Testifyingtothegrandeurofherimpressionsofhim,Sheweepsandmournsandrightfullyso.
Thetearsspeakoflove;themourningofherdeeppain.
Heknewshewasthereevenwhenhewasasleep.
Shewillseehiminherheartforevermore.
Nothingislost,butonlythepresenceofhiminbody.
Whatneedstoremainvibrantwillalwaysbeso.
ARelationshipBetweenaStructureandaTreeInthehillsofSantaRosa,CA,averyinterestingrelationshipexistsbetweenalong-abandonedbuilding,probablyonceusedasabarn,andaveryoldtreewhosemainbranchhasgrownatanangleupandovertheroofofthebuilding.
Thetreeisleaningseverelyontheroof,startingatthelowendandbendingagainattheapexoftheroofanddowntheoppositeside.
Thetreeisverymuchaliveal-thoughthestructurelikelyhasnotbeenusedformanyyears.
Yetthebuildingstandsandseemssturdyenoughtoperformitscurrentfunctionofprovidingsupport.
Thisscene,whileperhapstoorusticformostphotographerstobotherturningtheircameralenstowards,doescapturetheimaginationofthephilosopher.
Onecouldwonderifthetreewouldhavesurvivedhaditnotbeenforthebuilding.
Per-hapsthebuildingislikeanolderperson,wisefromtheyearsofexperience.
Thetree,then,couldresembleayoungerindividual,leaningonitsmentorforsupport.
Thismetaphorbringssomesadnesstoone'sheart,assurelythetreewillneverbeabletobreakawayfromthebuildingbutwill1daydieeitherduetothenaturalphysicaldeteriorationofitscomponentsorasaconsequenceofcatastrophesuchasafire.
Thetreemaybesustainingthestructureasastandingentitybyprovidingshadetotheroof,therebylesseningtheimpactofthesunonthematerials.
Anotherelementofthisspecialrelationshipisoneofafriendorrelativeplacingareassuringarmofsupportaroundtheshoulderofasufferer,perhapssomeonewhoisdying.
Thisideabringsasenseofcalmnessandbeautyasthedyingpassesonwhilecomfortedbyanotherwhocares.
Itseemsitwouldbesadtodiealone.
Fromtheperspectiveofnaturalbeauty,boththetreeandthebuildingwouldnothavethesameappealasisolatedentities.
Itistheircloseproximityandtrustthatcreatessuchastrikingpictureofexistence,purpose,andharmony.
Adaptingthesamestorytodistorttherelationshiptooneofcodependency:Itispossiblethat1daythesideofthebuildingclosesttothetrunkofthetreewillbethefirsttodeterioratetothepointoffalling,onlytobekepterectthroughthesupportofthetree.
Thisnowformsareversalofrolesandachangeinthekalei-doscopeofdependencies.
Appendices199Atsuchtimethateitherthetreefinallydiesorthebuildingfinallyfallsdown,oneorbothmaycontinuetoappearasrepresentationsormemoriesoftheirformerselves.
Thetreewillstilllooklikeatreeandthebuildingwilllooklikeapileofwood,onceformingthestructuralsupportofabuilding.
Thus,foratleastawhileafterthepassingofboth,theirlegacieswillbeobservable.
Evenatthepointofcompletedeterioration,theirelements(bothhavingorigininwood)willreturntotheearthtogether,providingnewenergyforfuturegrowth,evenanothertree.
And1day,thattreecouldbeharvestedtomakeanotherbuilding,orshadeanewbuildingnexttothenewtree.
Imaginationbegsonetothink200yearshenceandformamentalpictureofthesetwopartnersintheirlife-renewedstate,likeseeingtheprogenyofforefathers.
Tosome,thesearejusttwothingsinlife.
Toothers,theyareatributetoboththepowerandstarkbeautyofnatureandthepowerofregeneration.
TheymayevencalltomindthepowerofGodascreator(Kreuter2003a,pp.
94–95).
AppendixFJewishOncology:Okay,SoWeGotCancer,LetusEat!
EricA.
Kreuter,Ph.
D.
ContentsDedicationsNotesfromtheauthorPrefaceChapter1—Don'tWeHaveEnoughtoWorryAboutChapter2—TheHundredsofPhoneCallsChapter3—FoodDeliveries—OMG!
WhattoDowithallThisFoodChapter4—OfftoChemo;ThentotheDinerChapter5—BadHairDaysChapter6—BringingMyHairtotheBeautyParlorforanOverhaulChapter7—ShoppingandCancer—theBestMedicineChapter8—ConvenientUseofCancertoGetAwaywithThingsChapter9—PokingatmyVeins;wherearetheVeinsChapter10—FamilyEvents:toGoornottoGoChapter11—MemoryHasBeenForgottenChapter12—Okay,IAmDonewithTreatment:IHaveHadEnough!
Chapter13—PosttreatmentAttentionDeficitDisorder(PTADD)Chapter14—MyHusbandWantsAnotherChild(Really)Chapter15—EpilogueAppendices200DedicationThisappendixisdedicatedtothosewhosufferorhavesufferedwithcancer,boththesurvivorsandthepreciouspeoplewhohavedied.
ThoughtheinspirationforthisbookwasderivedfromthediagnosisandtreatmentofbreastcancerinbothMeryleandhersister,LisaHartman,andovariancancerinLindaSchumer(beautifulJew-ishwomen),theintentionistoinspireasenseofupliftinghumoraspartofthepro-cessofholistichealing.
Whilesomematerialmaybeviewedasoverlystereotypical,nodisparagementtoanyoneoranyraceorcreedisintended.
Afterall,asthetypicalcancerpatientreceivingchemotherapy,lethisorherhairfallout;perhapsthereadercanlettheirhairdownandallowthewriterstopokefunatpeopleandthenotionsthatcomprisethepathologyofeverydaylife.
NotefromtheAuthorIamveryproudofmybeautifulwifeMeryleforherbravehandlingofcancerandtheaftermathoftreatment.
Shemaintainsawonderfulbalancebetweenbeingsadandbeinghappy.
Theoutpouringofloveandsupportfromherfamilyandfriendsshowshowblessedsheis.
Thisbookwasbornofherhumorousideaamidstamo-mentofsufferingandisanexampleofherdeterministicspiritandherintrepidstyleofrefusingtosubmittoadversary—inthiscase,disease.
SheisanobleexampleoftheproudJewishwomanwhosteadfastlymarchesthroughsurgeriesandregimensofmedicaltreatmentjustastheJewsmarchedtriumphantlyoutofEgyptandacrosstheRedSeatoescapethetyrannyofPharaoh.
Writingthisforheristhehighesthonorforme.
MayitinspireothersufferingorafflictedpeopleofallwalksoflikeendurebytrustingGod.
Prayerandhumoraregoodmedicinestoguidehealing.
Fromsurvivalcomesthrivingagain.
EricA.
KreuterPrefaceJewsliketoeat.
Evenduringsignificanteventslikewarandpersecution,eatingalwaysmaintainsaprominentplaceinthethinkingandstrategizingoftheJew,whetherorthodox,conservative,orreformed.
Beingobservantoftheneedtoeat,Jewsstrivetopreparemealssuitableforanysituation,ingoodtimesortimesofstrife.
EvenduringthePassover,JewssatandateintheirgoodtravellingclotheswhileGodwasbusykillingoffallthefirst-bornoftheheathens.
But,Jewishnew-bieswerespared.
Andrightlyso,wecannotaffordtolosefuturecooks(orlawyers,doctors,andinvestmentbankersforthatmatter).
Thefoodwasevenbetterthoughbecauseourpeoplewerespared.
Weatequicklyandthebreadwasreallyflat,theAppendices201herbsawfullybitter,butstillitwasfoodandfoodis,well,good.
Thefactis—Jewswhohavecancerstillneedtoeat.
Andtheyneedtoeatwell.
Theymaypuke-upwhatevertheyeat,butthisgivesthemachancetotastethefoodgoinginandcom-ingout.
Theymayevenneedtoeatmoreinordertoheal.
Evenonabadhairday,whenstrandsorclumpsarebeinglostfromthecivilizedheadofaJewishperson,mealscontinuetomaintaintheirprominenceinthedailyplanningandholidayritualofthefamily.
Eatingamealwearingacaporwigorwithanakedheadisstillaneventofeating.
So,thiswillreflectontheJewishsurvivorofcancerandhisorherunswervingappetiteforgooddeli,freshchallah,tastykugel,deliciousmarzipan,andgoodManishewitzwine.
Chapter1—Don'tWeHaveEnoughtoWorryAboutWhycancerJewshavealreadyenoughtoworryabout.
AroundtheHigh-Holydays,youcannotfindparkingevenclosetoTemple.
Evensneakingoutearlyback-firesbecausesomedumb-ass'sBMWwillbeblockingyourMercedesfromtheextremelynarrowexitpath.
"Selfishbastards!
"AndonYomKippurtodothattoafellowhungryJewwhocannotwaittogethomeandriflethroughamealortwotoendtheexcruciatingfastofwhatmusthavelastedforweeksofsuffering.
Youfindyourselfhopingthatthepersongetswartsandbedbugs.
He/sheprobablyislatepay-inghisorherTempleduesandcheatsonagolfscore.
IsadiagnosisofcancerevenfairIsGodstillreallymadatusWasnot40yearsofwanderingaroundthedesertlikechickenswithoutheadsenoughSpeakingofchicken—therearemanygreatJewishrecipesforchickendishes.
AskGrandmaEttaforsomeoftheold-worldrecipes.
So,oncecancerisadefinite,wehavetodealwithit,notputitofftillaftertheholidaysorwhenthekidsreturntoschoolorwhenweareolderandnothingbettertodowithourtime.
DowehaveachoiceWestartofcoursebycomplainingtoanyonewhowillreadilylistenandwechaseafterafewsoleswhotrytoescape.
"I'vegotcancer—ohboy,whatamIgonnadonowThisisterrible.
MybeautifulhairwillfalloutandI'llhavetobenddownandpickitup;myachingback—suchpain,oy.
I'llhavetogotothehospital—thefoodthereisawful.
Nobodycares.
Whyme,whynow,whynottheCatholicdowntheblockortheLutheranacrossthestreetthatalwaysseemssodamnhealthyIhavetopeeandIamhookeduptoanIV.
Theteasucks.
WhatdidIdowrongWhodidIoffend"Anditgoesonuntilthedaythecancerisaccepted.
Atthatpoint,weparadeourcolorfulheadweararoundhopingpeoplewillnoticeandask:"HowareyoufeelingIheardyouweresick.
"Theyreallyhopeyouwillsay:"I'mfine,gottago.
"But,no,youtakeadvantageoftheopportunityandyoutalkandtalksomemore.
Youtellthemthebitterdetailsanddrenchtheirspiritinsympathyforyou.
Therealangleisonscoringthepromiseofadeliveryoffoodsoyoucanavoidcookingameal.
Reheatingisokaythough.
HeyMoshe—Ihadmylasttreatmenttoday.
Iamapro.
Ilaughatcancer.
AtmytreatmentIsaytotheshicksanurse:'Goahead,giveittome.
Icantakeit.
I'maJew.
Chemoislikeliquidgefiltefishsopouritintomyveins.
Icantakeit.
'HaveyousurvivedsomethinglikeAppendices202thisIdidn'tthinkso.
Youhavenocluewhatitislike.
Iamstrong.
Iamtough.
DidImen-tionhowmuchcancerhurtsLetmetellyou.
YouthinkyourstrokewasabigdealNope,mycancerwasmuchworse.
Iamluckytobealive.
Yourbrother'sheartattackThatdoesnotcompare.
Thiswasmuchworse.
Andso,thelifeoftheJewwithillnessislikeanewformofplague.
SweetfoodstasteliketheyweredredgedoutoftheDeadSea.
HowcanmealtimebeenjoyedwhenchocolatebobkatasteslikesaltinesSuchsufferingweJewswithcancergothrough.
But,doesanyonecareIthinknot.
Offtotreatmentmeanssittinginaroomwithotherpeoplewhohaveprobablynotbathedthispastweekandwillprobablybeotherwisecompletelyannoying.
TheJewwillnotbeabletoplaytennisthisweekendorgotoservicesbecausehe/shewillbetootired,toosick,toogrumpy,toowhatever,butwhocaresanywayNobodycalls.
TheJewsays:"Iamleftalone.
I'llbeallalonetosufferwhileevery-oneishavingfun.
NotfairIgivetotheTemple.
Ipraymostofthetime.
Butstill,Igetthis.
Gofigure.
Iwon'tbesoniceafterthisisover;nope,notme.
IsurvivedcancersoIgettobefreetoshop,todowhatIwant,mostlytoeatandeatandgetfat.
Iearnedtheprivilege,andjustlyso.
Leavemealone,Isay.
I'llbefine.
Don'tyouworryaboutme.
"Chapter2—TheHundredsofPhoneCallsEverydayandlateintothenightpeoplecalltofindouthowIamdoing.
TheyusuallyinquirewhatIneed,whatcantheydoformeorifIneedsomethingfromthestore.
JustasIamreadyforamuchneedednapthereitgoesagain—thatdamnphone.
AndwhenIdonotanswermycellphonetheycallthehouseandifIdonotanswerthehousephone,theytextmeorsendmeanemailorjustbrazenlydriveoverandringthedoorbelltoseeifIamokay.
Suddenly,havingcancermeansac-cessibility.
Ibethermitsnevergetcancer.
ItislikethereisasortofrequirementforeverypersonIevermetintheworldtocheckinwithmeonadailybasis,sometimestwice.
Mymother'smessagesarespecial:"Hi,thisismom"(thankyouforidentifyingyourself,after49yearswhywouldIrecognizehervoice).
"Idon'twanttodisturbyouifyouaresleeping"(whyworryaboutthat,Ihadtogetupin2hoursanyway).
"Justcallingtoseehowyouarefeelingandtomakesureyouaregettingenoughsleep.
Ireadthatsleepisveryimportantwhenyouareundergoingchemotherapy.
Icouldsendyouafewar-ticles"(ironic,really).
"Youdon'thavetocallmeback"(ofcoursenot;thenJewishguiltkicksin,preventingfurtherrestuntilIdocallbackandfindouthowtheminutedetailsofherlifesincethelastcall).
"I'mfine"(therealpurposeofthecalltobeginwithwastoreporthowsheisdoingandwhatailmentssheishavingthisdayandtheonebeforeandtheonebeforethat).
Ilovemyfriendsandlovetotalkwiththem.
Theircallsareverymuchappreci-atedandtheyarealifeline.
ItisjustthattellingthesamestoryoverandoverandoveragainthatcanmakemereachfortheAdvilbottle.
HowmanytimesdoIhavetoannouncethatmyheadmakesCharlieBrownlooklikeheneedsahaircutMay-Appendices203beIwillrecordafreshmessageeverydayfortheansweringmachine.
Forexample,Icouldrecord:"ThisisMeryle.
TodayIfeellikeaHummerranmeoverandIwasscrappedofftheroadandplacedabruptlyontothecouchwhereIplantospendtheentiredaywishingforanout-of-bodyexperience.
Iamnauseous,don'tfeellikeeating,can'tsleep,oh,andIamunusuallycrankytoday.
Butthankyouforcalling.
Pleasecallagainverysoon.
"Chapter3—FoodDeliveries—OMG!
WhattoDowithallthisFoodItisMonday;at9a.
m.
,foodarrivesinalargeunmarkedvan.
Ittakestwopeoplethreetripstoluginenoughfood-filledTupperwareformetohostablockpar-ty.
Suchfood!
Meats,fish,bread,pasta—whatwillIdowithallthisfoodAfter2hoursofsortingthefridge,Imanagetoshoveeverythingin.
Igobacktomynapexhaustedfromrearranging.
At11:05a.
m.
,thedoorbellrings;morefood.
ThistimeIfillupthesparelittlerefrigeratorinthebasement.
Atthisrate,itwilltake2weekstoeatallthisscrumptiousfood.
Peoplearesonice.
Iwonderifanyoneconsidersthedilemmaofmultiplefooddeliverieswithinaspanofafewdays.
Doesanyonecon-siderbringingextratoiletpaperDotheythinkpeoplewithcancereatmoreFoodsentfromJewstoJewsisespeciallyimportantandalwaysinvolvessoup.
Somehow,souphasbecomethehealingmantraoftheZionisticcrowd.
Whydoesnotsomemedicalresearchersynthesizesoupandpourthatintomyveins.
Thenextday,guesswhatRight,morefoodentersthehouse.
Itjustkeepsoncoming;dayafterday,weekafterweek.
Well-meaningneighbors,friends,family,Templemembers—thefoodmultiplies.
Istartgivingsomeaway—sortofrecycling.
Myhousehasbecomeadistributioncenterandwarehouseforpreparedfood.
Flowersarriveatanequallyalarmingrate.
Thelocalfloristsmustbeworkingovertime.
MyhouseisstartingtoresembletheNYBotanicalGardens.
Prettytheyareandbeautifularethepeoplewhosentordeliveredthem.
Cardsaresentaswell.
AndhaveIreceivedsomany.
Iamsurethepostmanhashadtoundergosurgeryforahernia.
Theyareniceandexpresssympathyandhope.
Icher-ishthesecardsbecausetheyshowatruesenseofcaringfromthosewhosentthem.
Now,gifts—Ithinkweareontosomethingverygoodandquiteuseful.
ThatnewscarfIwantedisnowhere.
TheblouseIhadmyeyeonisnowresidinginmycloset.
Hey,thisis,indeed,verygood.
Chapter4—OfftoChemo;thentotheDinerAnotherroundofchemoscheduledfortoday.
Thatmeansapoornightofsleepfol-lowedbygettingupearly;thenadrivetothedoctor'sofficeonlytowait.
WhoisinchargeofschedulingthattheydothistosufferingpeopleFirst,Iwaitoutsidebecausenobodywhoworksforthedoctorisintheoffice(mindyouitispastmyAppendices204Appendicesappointmenttime).
Likeanyotherqueue,cancerpatientsareanythingbutpatient.
"Iwasherefirst,"exclaimssomeoldbitchwithaweirdhairpiecethatmakesherlooklikeyesterday'scleaninglady.
Finally,theofficestaffarrivesandtheytrytobepleasantwhenalltheyreallywantisforthe5p.
m.
buzzertogooffsotheycangohome.
Isitinoneoftheex-tremelyuncomfortablewaitingroomchairsandpickupamagazinethatisseveralmonthsoldandgetimmediatelybored.
Inoticethefakeofficeplantshavenotbeendustedinatleastacentury.
Variousnoticesarepastedonthewallsaskingforco-paysifyoureasonablyexpecttobetreated.
Hum—noco-pay,notreatment.
IbelieveIleftmypurseathome.
Oncecalled,theyproceedwithboringsmalltalkandpokeaneedleinmyarmtodrawsomeofmydwindlingreserveofbloodsotheycancheckmywhitecount.
SinceIamCaucasianyouwouldthinkitshouldbe100%,butIsupposeitdoesnotworkthatway;then,morewaiting.
Finally,achairopensupandIamseatedinoneofthetreatmentchairswheretheybegintoinstallthedreadedportforthelineofsalinefollowedbyachemochaser.
"Excuseme,butmayIhaveavodka-tonicinstead""No,nowshutupandletmegiveyouthiswickedstuff.
Iamverybusyandyouaredistractingme"saysthechubbytechnicianwhoprobablyfailedoutofnursingschool.
Geez—itisonly8a.
m.
Suchattitudestheyhavehere.
Isitandsitandsitsomemore,staringoutthewindoworreadingsomethingIdonotcaretoread.
Myfellowchemo-recipientslookmorose,soIavoideyecontact.
Surely,therewillbenodialogue.
Nobodyherereallygivesarat'sasswhatkindofcanceryoumayhavebecauseeveryoneknowsthecommonthreadiscancer.
Thelightbouncesoffthebald-headedguyacrossfrommeblindingme.
"NexttimeIwearsunglasses,"IremindmyselfwithamentalnotethatwillbesoonforgottenbecauseIamalsoalmost50somemoryisfadingfasterthatadesertsunset.
Afterseveralhoursofchemo,theyunhookmeandIleave.
Imeetoneofmygirlfriendsatthelocaldinerandrecanttheawfulthingssaidanddonetomethesepastfewhours.
Iordersometeaandamuffintosoothmyirritatednerves.
Wesharesmalltalkaboutourhusbands'respectivebadhabitsandshortcomingsandboastaboutourchildrenasifwearetheonlyoneswithsmartkids.
Afteranhourofban-ter,webothpeeandleavethediner.
Chapter5—BadHairDayNowthatthenewhairdohasbeeninstalled,goingoutinpublicisagainpossible.
And,ofcourse,thenewhair"look"ismuchbetterthantheoldhair"look"asittransformsustoyounger,prettierwomen.
Wedeservenothingless.
So,wegetready,cutthelabelsoffafewitemsofbrandnewclothesrecentlydeliveredbythenicepeopleatTalbotsOnline,andpluckthehairofftheStyrofoamdummyandplopitoverourfreshlyshavedhead.
Withafew(20minutesworth)ofprimpingandbrushwork,wepronounceourselvesreadytomeettheworld.
Hey,westillgotit.
205AppendicesTomakesurepeoplenotice,wegentletouchthecurlswhenspeakingtoourgirlfriendssotheyfeelobligatedtocomplimentusonhowradiantwelook.
Wefeelbetter.
Firststopisthehigh-endretailstoretoselectanevenneweroutfittocomple-mentournewlook.
Afterall,recoveryrequiresspoilingourselvestothehilt.
Suchopportunitiesarefarandfewbetween.
Goingoutsideonstormydaysdoespresentbothaproblemandaconvenience.
Whenthereareveryhighwindsthereisconcernthatthehairwillflyoffandbecarriedawaybysomelargebirdfornest-makingpurposes.
Thatwouldbeasceneandweliketoavoidscenes.
Scenesareimportantfodderforgossip,especiallyamongthefemalecircuit,becausetheyprovidesomethingtotalkaboutotherthanourhusbands,ourchildren,andthelackofclosetspaceinourhouse.
Inheavyrain,thereisnotsuchaproblembecausewecanalwaystossthedamnheadpieceintothedryerforafewminutes.
Trydoingthatwithyourownhair.
Besides,inthetimeittakesforthehairtodrywecanreturnfiveortenphonemessagesorplaceoneortwoonlineorders.
Ifthenewhairisnotquiteright,wecanvisitourfavoritebeauticianwhoismoreupsetthanweareaboutthelossofhairbecauseitmeansthelossofacustomerforatemporaryperiod.
Suchisachemo-disaster.
So,thehaircanbestyledandtrimmedifneedbe.
Ofcourse,wecautionthestylistwith25yearsexperiencenottocuttoomuchbecauseitwillnotgrowback.
Thisisnothumorousforthepoorbeauticianbecausesheknowsyouprobablywillnotbebackformonths.
Chapter6—BringingMyHairtotheBeautyParlorforanOverhaulNowthatithasbeenseveralmonthswithmynewwig,Ifeelitistimeforsomechanges.
Awiggivesnewmeaningtotheconceptofapermanent.
Ibringtheinanimatepiecetomylocalbeauticianwherehe/sheremovesthebuilt-updustandwind-blownleavesthathaveaccumulatedandfixafewlooseends.
Whilehe/sherenovatesmytemporarydo,Iamtakingafewcellphonecallsfrommycadreoffriends.
TheyallsuggestImightfeelabitbetterdrivingaroundinanewLexus.
Ihaveverysmartfriends.
Imakeyetanothermentalnotetodevelopaplanofpersua-siontouseonmyhusband(aka—intensepressure)toachievethenewlyformedgoalofanewcar.
Afterall,hewilldoanythingtomakemehappy,whichiscus-tomarilyinterpretedashimdoingjustaboutanythingtoavoidmebeingunhappy.
Leverageonlygetsbetterwithcancer.
Thesympathycardcanbeplayedquitewell,butshouldnotbeplayedtoooften.
Therealpotencyofthiscardistheuncertaintyofwhenitmightbedeployed.
ItissortofthesecretweaponoftheJewishcancersurvivor.
EquallyeffectiveistheapplicationofguiltonthemotherofaJewishcancersurvivorespeciallywhenshelivesinthePromisedLand(Florida).
Icancallherandcomplainofveryuncomfortablesideeffectsanddeployafewtearshereandtheretocausehertoinvariablysay:206DoyouwantmetoflytoNewYorktohelpyouItwouldnotbethatmuchtrouble.
IcanalwaysreschedulemyeveryTuesdayafternooncardgamewithmyverydearfriendsthatIhardlyeverseeandwhoprobablywilldiesoonandmydentistappointmenttomakemuchneededandlong-deferredrepairsthat,ifnotmadesoon,willresultinthelossofallmyremainingteeth.
TheyarehardtogetappointmentswithasIamsureyouknow.
Andmyteethdoneedcleaning,eventhefalseones.
But,itwillbeallright.
AndyouknowtheairfareshavegoneupsomuchthoughmymeagerSocialSecurityhasstayedthesame,butwecanmanage.
JustletmeknowandI'llbethereinajiffy.
Youdon'thavetoworryaboutme.
I'llbefine.
ThelastthingyouwantorneedonGod'sgreenearthisanothervisitfrommom.
Waitingonherhandandfootwhileyouareundergoingtreatmentwouldbetrau-matic.
Soyousimplypouronthecharmandmakeherfeelguiltyfornotbeingtherebyyoursideandletheroffthehooksoshedoesnottraveltoyourhousewherethereisnoroomanywaybecauseyourhusbandcannotprovideareasonablysizedhouseforyouandyourchild.
But,youdidnotlistentomomwhenshesaid:"Oh,Iguessheisnice,butyoureallyoughttomarryarealdoctor.
"Momisalwaysrightafterall.
Thiswaythereissomethinginitforbothofyou:Shegetstostayhomeinhercomfortzonewithzeromaternalresponsibilitiesandyouachievedanimportantobjectiveoftransferringguiltfromyoufornotvisitingheronherbirthdaytoherfornotbeingthereforyou.
Perfect!
JewishOncologyisthestudyofretro-transferenceofJewishguilt.
Whatablessing.
YouwillexplainthistechniquewhileholdingcourtnextTuesdayatthedinerwiththe"ChosenOnes"—yourhand-pickedgirlfriends.
Chapter7—ShoppingandCancer—theBestMedicineWhatcouldbebettertherapythanashoppingexcursionGottotakemymindoffcancerandcontinuetoleadaproductivelife.
So,offIgotothatmostwonderfuloasisknowntotheJewishwoman—Bloomingdales.
ThereIcancruisethefloors,tryonclothes,checkoutnewmakeup,tryonnewscarves,gloves,coats,hats,andenjoyanover-pricedlunchinthestore'srestaurantwherethepointistoseeandbeseen.
IcangetlostinsideBloomiesfortwo,maybeupwardsof3hourswithoutcomingupforair.
Thereisaknowntherapeuticpowerattributedtoshopping.
ItmakesaJewishwomanfeelcomplete,moresothanbeingmarried(exceptbeingaJewishspinsteristolivealifeofsheermisery,especiallywhenMomisaroundandapurelivingHellifyouareunfortunateenoughtohavetoactuallylivewithmom).
Unmar-ried30-something,Jewish"girls"arepimped-outbytheirmothersintheformofestablishmentofnumerousblinddates.
Unfortunately,someoftheverymorethanmiddle-agedmenareeitherblind,bald,fat,smelly,orjustplainunacceptable.
Theywill,mostassuredlyhave,though,severalveryacceptablequalities,allveryen-dearingtotheJewishbroad:beingrich,owningalargehousewithplentyofvacantclosetspace,and,yes,theywillbeJewish.
Morethanlikely,mostofthemwillbedivorced,havethrivingcareersasphysi-ciansorattorneys,andlovetodisplaytheirgirlfriendsandwives(neversimultane-ously)decked-outinfurs,diamonds,andManoloBlahnikshoes.
Appendices207Shoppingprovidesareleasemorepowerfulthansex.
Itlastsfarlongertooandtherearenomessysheetstochange.
Protectionisnotnecessaryunlessyouareshoppinglateatnightandyouparkedinadarkcorneroftheparkinglot.
Eventhen,youcanaskoneofthehunkysecurityguardstoescortyoutoyourcar.
Thatisashoppingbonus.
Jewishwomenhavelearnedhowtosneakpackagesintothehouse.
Evenifyouhappentogetcaught,youcanalwayswhipoutthesympathycardandlethubbyknowhowgenerousheisandhowgoodyouwilllookinyournewoutfit(s)sohecanbeproudofyouwhenyouareinacrowdamidgoyimtrash.
Oncesafeathome,youbeginthearduoustaskoffindingroomforthosenewshoes,newclothes,andotheritems.
Whilemovingotherstuffaround(muchofwhichalsohavepricetagsstillattached),youcomplainthatyouhaveinadequateclosetspacesignalingtheneedforalargerhome.
Youmakeyetanothermentalnotetowithholdsexuntilyouhaveachancetoworkonyourhusband'sunreasonableresistancetomoving.
"Mortgage–shmortgage,"youstateemphaticallyasyourollovertothatnirvanaknownasrestfulsleepafteratriptoBloomingdales.
Yourhus-bandwillhaveanotherrestlessnight,butthementalpressurewillsoonbringhimtohissensesandhewillbecontactingtherealestateagentverysoontoarrangeforsuitablereplacementheadquartersforyourexpandedwardrobeaswellasampleroomforentertaining(showingoff).
Chapter8—ConvenientUseofCancertoGetAwaywithThingsWhiledriving,wegetdistractedbecausewearealsotouchingupourmakeupandonthecellphone.
Apoliceofficerfinallygetsourattention.
HowarewesupposedtonoticetheflashinglightsandsirenwhenwearerushingtothestoretocheckoutthenewlineofbootsatMacy's"Ma'am,Iwillneedtoseeyourdriver'slicense,insurancecard,andvehicleregistrationcard,"barkstheofficer.
"Isthereaproblem,officer"wereply.
"Youweretravelling20milesoverthepostedspeedlimit.
""Oh,gee.
Iamverysorryofficer.
Yousee,IamabitlateformychemotherapytreatmentandthenIhavetogettothehospitaltovisitmypooroldgrandmotherwhoisdy-ing,"welieconvincingly.
Showingcompassion,theofficerleansdowntothewin-dowandsays:"Youjustdrivecarefulandtakecareofyourselfandsayhitoyourgrandmotherforme,"theofficersayswithasmile,patontheshoulderandaquiet,reassuringvoice.
Great,nowwecanracetothemall.
Atthebusycheckoutcounterinthegrocerystore,wenoticeverylonglines.
Makingsurethereisnobodyinthestorewerecognize,weslipoffourfakehairandstarttolookveryupset.
Everyoneonlinenoticesthis"specialneedsshopper.
"Peopleclosertothecashiertakepityandoffertotradeplaces,whichwereluctantly,butgraciouslyaccept(takeadvantageof).
Ataparty,weoverhearsomechattywomendiscussingtheirmedicalproblems.
Somehavebunions;othershavekneeproblems.
Wemoseyonoverandchimein:"well,youthinkthatisbad;Ihavecancer.
"TheconversationquicklyturnstousandAppendices208weholdcourtfor20–30minutes,garneringasmuchfreesympathyaswecan,butreallyjusttomonopolizetheconversation.
Thereisawaytoembellishtheagonyofcancertreatment.
Thenextdaymoredeliveriesoffoodarrive,startingthecycleofexcessivefree-biesalloveragain.
Butweenjoytheattentionandtheabilitytoturnsmall-talkintomeaningfulconversationbecausewearethemaintopic.
Chapter9—PokingatmyVeins;WherearetheVeinsAshortpoem:WherearetheveinsSendintheveins.
Myveinshavecollapsed.
Ihavenomoreveins.
Sendintheveins.
WherearemyveinsSomeonestolemyveins,I'msure.
Noveins,notreatmenttoday—okay.
Veins,schmeins;Ineednoveins.
I'lldrinkthestufftoday,Iwill.
WhyistodayunlikeanyothertodayBecause,todayIhavenoveins.
Midwaythroughmytreatmentplan,mypoorveinshavegoneintodouble-secrethiding.
WhocouldreallyblamethemThenursetriesandtries,butcannotlocateanythingevencloselyresemblingavein.
So,insteadofgivingup,thebitchnursekeepspokingmyarms,tryingtobeaherobylocatingoneofthelastfunctioningveinsIhaveleft.
"Um,nurse,dear,thatf–-inghurts!
Pleasestop,"Ibeginagony.
"Noway,lady,"nurseRatchetbarks.
"DocsaysIhavetogiveyouthistreatmentormyfatassisoutonthestreetagain,whoringandsellingdrugsjusttofeedmyeightkids.
""Youhaveeightkids"Ihadtoask;ithelpstakemymindofftheextremepain.
"Ornine,Iforget,"thenursesaysinapuzzlingtoneasshestabsmeonelasttimelikeshewasusingaswitchblade.
After14tries,thenursefinallylocatesaviablevein.
Ithurtssomuch.
Someonlineshoppinglaterwillbenecessarytorecover.
HowmuchmorecanItake:nohair,noveins.
Allthissufferingisputtingacrimponmyscheduledhouseredeco-ratingproject.
After2monthsoftreatment,evenmyfriendshavepulledbackfromtheinitialfloodofnonstopsympathy.
Fooddeliverieshaveslowedtoacrawl.
Thecallsarefewer.
DoesanybodycareWhymeIknowwhatitmightbe!
Ilooksodamngoodinmynewtightjeansandmyreplacementhairmakesmelookatleast10yearsyounger.
Myfriends'husbandsstarealotatme.
Canceristhenewhigh-maintenanceburden.
Gofigure.
Appendices209Chapter10—FamilyEvents—ToGoorNotToGoOkay,soIaminthemiddleofmyroundofscheduledchemotherapytreatmentsandsoonfacethedreadeddecisionwhethertoattendafamilyfunction.
Afterall,Jewslovetogatherbecauseitisaconvenientexcusetoovereat.
Further,someoneelsehastocleanup.
Italsoprovidesanaboveaverageopportunityforgossip.
Para-doxically,whereIusedtolookforwardtotheseeventsinordertotrytolookbetterthantheotherfemalesandbethecenterofattention,inmysituation,Iammorethanlikelyalreadygoingtoattractmorethanmyfairshareofattention,sympathy,questions,etc.
"DoIreallyneedthis"Peoplewillgooutoftheirwaytosaytheobligatoryline:"Youlookgreat!
""Yes,havingDranopumpedintomybloodstreammakesoneglow,"Iwillreply.
Thewillbedumfoundedbymywitduringcrisis.
"Howdoesshestaysocalm,"theywillsaytothemselves.
IhaveachievedJewishnirvana—bothsympathyandenvyfrommygirlfriends.
Yet,sucheventsalsoprovidetherecoveringpersonwithuniqueopportunitiestoshowtheworldhowstrongweareandhowphilosophicalwehavebecome.
TheserevelationsmaytaketheformofdoingtheElectricSlidewithmoregustothaneverortheTangoinaverysensuousway.
Whentalkingwithpeople,IcanquoteNietzscheandAristotle(asIwillmemorizeseveralobscuresayingsforuseatconvenienttimes).
PeoplewillbeamazedathowIamcopingwithdiseaseandtheywillbeamazedathowmuchsmarterIhavebecome.
"Wow,isn'tsheamazing,"somewillmutterastheyleavethecrowdthatwillbesurroundingmethroughouttheevening.
Iamastar.
Whenthefamilyeventbecomeseitherextremelyboringortheattentiondevotedtomestartstowane,Icanrevertto"Honey,Iamfeelingverytiredandalittlequeasy.
AfterIvomit,Ithinkweshouldheadhome.
"Myfriends'husbandswilltripoverthemselvestryingtohelpmewithmycoat.
Shoesmustbeofthefinestqualityandthemostcurrenttrendystyle.
Thewell-plannedexitisasabsolutelyasimportantasthedramaticentrancedoneinstyle,aid-edbyverynewandexpensiveclothes.
Therecanbenoskimpingontheamountofblingwornfortheoccasion.
AsIair-kisseverywomanIseeandpressupagainstallthegood-lookingmen,IwillremembertoinstigateroundsofsympathybytellingapreselectedgrouphowappreciativeIamoftheirthoughtfulnessduringmytreat-ments.
Itisthisgroupthatwillbecomeunwittingcatalyststoensurethenextfooddrivestraighttomyfridge.
Theywilldosobecausetheyhavebeenknightedtothelegionofthosehavingalreadydonetheirshare.
Thus,theguiltcardwillbeplayedaroundtheroomforthenextseveralhours,reachingthosewhohaveprocrastinated.
Soon,freebieswillbeofferedinmydirectionandlifewillbegoodagain.
Afterall,improvementofone'snailsandstockingofone'spantryarepartofthehealingprocess.
Thekeysub-eventswilloccur,ofcourse,intheladiesrestroomwherealltruthisalwaystoldandnothingisheldback.
"Meryledear,youcantellme.
HowareyoufeelingdearWhatcanwedoforyouDoyouneedfoodShouldIbringyousomesoupIsErictakingcareofyou"ToallIwillcheerilyreply:"Oh,I'mokay,"butsaidwithaworriedvoiceanddowncasteyesbecausewecertainlyneverwantAppendices210togiveupgroundinthesympathycategory.
Tearsformeasilybecause,earlier,Imadesuretostickmyselfintheeyewithmyeyeliner.
"I'llbefine.
Youdon'thavetoworryaboutme.
I'llmanage,"saidwithatinyquiver,whichwill,induceahug.
Thesewell-timedresponseswillyieldanewharvestofprecookedmealsdeliveredtomydoor,offerstogoshopping,andfreemanicuresandpedicuressomyfriendsandrelativescanreallytalkwithme.
Havingcancerisrealwork.
Allthismanipula-tionmakesmehungry.
Aftertheevent,therequisitechainoftelephonecallsandemailwillcommence.
"DidyouseehowgoodMerylelooked"Soon,chatrooms,Facebookpages,tweet-ing,etc.
willbefloodedwithcommentaryaboutme.
Theleaderofthesubgroupwillorganizeafoodbrigadesodeliveriesofmyfavoritefoodswillbewellcoordinatedforthenextseveralweeks.
TheywillseethisatdoingaMitzvah.
Iwillseeitasanescapefromcooking—awin–winreally.
Realistically,therearealotofbenefitstogoingthroughtreatmentforcancer;andwhynotAfterall,Ipaidmydues;satShivaforfamilies;donatedsurplusfoodandclothingattheTemple.
Actually,theclothingdriveforJewishwomenequatestomakingroomintheclosetsanddressersforupgradestothewardrobeviaonlineshoppingandtripstoBloomies.
Afterall,charitybeginsathome.
Chapter11—MemoryHasBeenForgotten"WhatwasIsupposedtodotoday"Icannotrememberasinglefactthesedays.
Ilosethingsoften.
Phonenumbers,names,dates—allvacatingmymemory.
Ohwell,probablymymemorywillfinditswaybackintomybrainwhenIamdonewiththeoncologypeople.
"Iwasgoingtowritemorehere,butjustforgot.
"Chapter12—Okay,IamDonewithTreatment:IhaveHadEnough!
Fivetreatmentsofchemotherapyshouldbeenough.
IthinkIwillcallthedoctorandannouncethatIamcuredandwillnotbeinneedofeitherthesixthandfinalroundofchemoortheplanned7weeksofradiation.
Iamfeelingphysicallyokay,butmentallyfatiguedoverallthepokingandprobingandwouldliketoresumenormallife.
Ialsowelcomethereturnofmyhair.
Wearingskullcapsandfakehairisjustnotthesameandbeingasbaldasababy'sassnegatesmyspendingqualitytimewiththebeauticianonaregularbasis.
Iamwaybehindonneighborhoodgossip.
IttakesmorepatiencethanIhavetoenduremonthaftermonthofallthismedicalattention.
EventhoughIknowIwillattendtothebalanceoftheplannedregimen,Iwillcomplaintoallwhowilllisten.
Afterall,complainingisexpectedandIgetlotsofextraattention.
Atleastfromthatperspective,beingunderthecareofallthesemedicaloncologypeopleprovidesaconvenientwayformetodowhatIwantandnotdowhatIdonotwant.
ItseemsJewishguiltgoesoutthewindowwhenAppendices211onesuffersfromcancer.
Forexample,Icannowsay:"Mom,IjustcouldnotreturnyourtwelvetelephonemessagesbecauseIwastoobusypukingupmyguts.
IamsureyouwillunderstandbecauseIknowyoualwaysdounderstandme.
"Isaythisbold-facedliebecauseIknow(a)Godwillforgivealyingcancerpatientand(b)themanipulationwithMomwillbeveryeffectiveandgetheroffmybackforafewmoreweeks.
Besides,afterthefifthtreatment,Iamstartingtolosemyeyebrowsandeye-lashes—thelastvestigesoffemalebeautyconcerns.
Ilooklikeabowlingballwitheyes,amouthandanose.
Ihavestartedshoppingonlineforfalsies(notfakeboo-biesmindyou).
IreallydonotwanttolooklikeIwasstruckbylightningatagefivetoexplainwhyIamcompletelyhairless.
Chapter13—PosttreatmentAttentionDeficitDisorder(PTADD)Perhapsthebiggestfear(aka—horrificnightmare)facedbythemid-treatmentsur-vivoris:"OMG!
WhatwillIdoonceIamdonewithtreatmentandnobodypaysanyattentiontomeanymore"Thisseemslikeitwouldbedevastating,which,frankly,isunacceptable.
Fornow,thecallscontinuetocomeinregularly,oftenjammingupmyvoicemailbox.
WhenIfeelsoinclined,Icanreturnthemessagesofmychoosing;ignoringthosefrommotherandotherextremelyannoyingpeople.
Fooddeliveriescontinuetotrickle-infromthemoreguilt-riddenpeopleinmycircleandafternoonsanddinnersoutwiththegirlshavebecomearoutineexpectation.
Igarnerextrasympathywithaflickofmylittlefingeronaregularbasisandmygirl-friendsconstantlychatterhowdamngoodIlooknowthatIshedthosefewpoundsofexcessballast.
Ihavetoadmit,Idohaveacertainglowthesedays.
Secretly,theyrefertomeasthe"littlebitchrecoveringfromcancer.
"Iloveit!
Newbootswillcelebratetheattention-gettingcoupforthisweek.
But,onceIannouncethatIamdonewithtreatment,myfriendsandfamilywillexpectmetoreturntomynormallife(read:slaveryinthekitchen,cleaningthehouse,roughsexwithmyhusband,etc.
).
Somethingmustbedonetoavoidthedreadedtoxicshock/posttreatmentsyndromeknownasPTADD.
PerhapsIwillfloatafewmysteriousconcernstothoseinmygirlfriendcadrethatliketoblab.
Icantellafew:"Gee,Idon'twanttoalarmmyhusband,butthedoc-torwantsmetohavemoretests.
"Or,Icanstartafewrumors,whichwillincreasemypopularitywithmymoreadventurous(slutty)friends,suchassaying:"Youknow,I'vealwayswantedto'do'theUPSguyandshowhimmynewandimprovedboobs.
"Thisway,mycircleofdotingfriendswilljustcontinuetodesiretimewithmetoeitherprovidetheconstantstreamofsympathyIhavebecomeaccustomedtoortoprobemeforinformationtoaddtotherumormill.
EitherwayIkeeptheatten-tionrightwhereitbelongs—onme!
Appendices212Chapter14—MyHusbandWantsAnotherChild(Really)So,hereisthecurrentinsanity.
Onthedayofmylastchemotherapyextravaganzamyhusbandjoinsmeformyexaminationbeforetreatment.
Hewatchesmedisrobe;admiringmydeliciousboobsthathavebeenright-sizedjustasacorporationinadowneconomy.
Heknowsthatanotherman(arealJewishdoctor)issoongoingtotouchthem.
Heconsidersthiseventtobeaproxyforathree-way,thoughhispreferencehasalwaysbeenforthethirdpersontobefemale.
Heisflexiblesowill-ingtosettleforwhathecanget.
Thedoctorcomesinandimmediatelyprovidesareassuringhugandappliesakisstomycheck.
Hubbyissittinginachairobservingmegetman-handled.
Thedoctortoreopenmyflimsygownandstartstograbmyboobiesandfeelmybodyallover.
Myhusbandobserveshistechniqueandextremeconfidenceandeventakesafewnotes.
Afterall,thedoctorisanexpertinhandlingwomen.
MyhusbandisveryexcitedandIknowhisadventurousmindisgoingplacesonlypossibleinthelandofhisratherbizarreimagination.
IknewhewasdamagedwhenImethim,buthecanbeoverlymischievous.
Iamhappyheiscomfortablesharinghisfantasieswithme.
ThedoctorisexplainingabouthowwellIamdoingandthatIamveryclosetothedreadedlandofmoodswingsknownasmenopause.
Whymenopausehastheword"men"initremainsamysteryandisreallyunfair.
Myhusband,beinghelpful(read:annoying)tellsthedoctorIalreadyhaveseriousmoodswings.
Herespondsthatthesewilldoubtlesslyworsen.
Thisconvertsmyhusband'spallortopaleandpasty.
Myhusband,beingrelentless,asksthedoctorhowsoonwecanstartworkingonanotherchild.
1Helooksoverandsmiles,tellingustowait2yearsaftertheendoftreatment.
"Noproblem,"myhusbandexclaims.
"She'llonlybe51,"hesaystothedoctor,whonowrealizeswhatIhavebeenlivingwithforthepast17years.
Thepoorkindlyolddoctorexplainsaboutfertilityandviabilityofmydwindlingsupplyofgrade"A"ovary-fresheggsandhowthereisonlya5%chanceofapregnancyanyway.
Ofcourse,husbandisthinkingifwehavesex20timesin1week,thechancesgrowto100%(heisanidiot).
2Thereissimplynotenoughjewelryontheplanettowarrantsuchgratuitoussexualactivityanyway.
SexualprivilegesmustbeearnedandgainingaccessisnoteasywithJewishwomen,regardlessofcancer.
WithholdingisarightoftheJewishwomanandabstinenceisexpected.
ThisiswhyGodinventedthemaleartofbeggingandbribing.
Godisverywise.
Ofcourse,myadoringhusbandagreeswiththedoctorthatIlookfantastic.
Hedoes,though,mentionthatIamstartingtogetafewgreyhairsonmywig(didImentionheisanidiot).
Atleasthekeepsmelaughing.
Iwillkeephimaroundafewmoreyears,atleastuntilthenewLexusappearsinmydrivewayandthekitchen1Makesmewonderifheisbeingspontaneousorifhethoughtthroughthislineofquestioning.
2Meryle's—Notetoself:NosexforEricforatleast6months.
Appendices213iscompletelyremodeledtomysatisfaction.
Afterall,Ideserveamajorbonusfordoingsowellwithmytreatment.
Someretailtherapyisinorder.
Menbarelyunderstandthefunctionalityofawoman'sbody.
Suretheyknowwhattodowithus,butinternallytheyareusuallydopey.
Whenmenthinkofeggstheythinkofscrambledorfried.
Theconceptofbeingbornwithalltheeggsawomanwilleverhaveisbeyondthegraspoftheaveragemale.
3Onapositivenote,lovedoesaboundbetweenus;madestrongerthroughthetri-alsoftreatment.
Withlove,allsufferingandworrycanbeovercome.
Perhapsitisthecomfortoftheembraceattheendofeachnightthathelpsmedriftofftosleep.
Theproblemwithtreatmentforcanceristhattheprescriptionforlifetimemoni-toringmakesapersonconsiderissuesofmortality.
Thisseemsnormalandcanfitinwithathrivinglife.
Ittakessomeeffortandhavingahusbandwhoadoresmeandiswillingtolaughatstrifemakesiteasier.
MaybeIwillrewardhimlaterandlethimplaywithmyreconstructedbosom.
Helikesthemandkissesthemgently.
Havingachildwithhim,knowinghewouldwantanotherprovideswarmfeelings.
Whilehemaybequitedelusionalthatitwouldbeevenremotelypossible,thethoughtmustbeadmiredandcherished.
Eachstageoflifehasitsownpurpose,itsspecificlimita-tions,anddefinitechallenges.
Withamaturingrelationship,acouplecangothroughthesestagestogetherwitheachhelpingtheotherwiththeirpersonalstruggleandeffortstoactualizetheirindividualdestinies.
Chapter15—EpilogueMeryle'slatestlimerick:I'malittlenauseousYesIam.
Ijusthadmychemo,WhoknowswhichroundInjustabout5daysI'llbefine.
ThenbacktochemoI'mlosingmymind.
SungtothetuneofI'malittleteapot.
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1007/978-3-319-06817-6,SpringerInternationalPublishingSwitzerland2014AAchievements,43,88,98,111Affect,33,35,47,64Affirmativeresponse,34Agentsofchange,105Alternatives,121Approach,1,9,12,59,73,81,82,97,125,140Gestalt,81Attitude,2–5,17,34,54,60,61,63,70–72,76,86,90,97,108,131,178Authenticityvalueof,18–20Awakening,145tonewopportunities,97BBeliefsystem,35,58,93,130Boundary,33Breach,151,153Burnout,5,131,132,133CCatalyze,3,97,130,166CatholicChurch,67,95Change,5,8,10,13,17,24,25,29,34,35,42,47,50,55,72,79,86,93,98,106,117,125,130,146,149,152,178,179Choice,8,16,19,24,43,58,66,93,94,110,141,147,149,163,164Coach,8,16,17,26,44,65,76,78,81,83,117,124Coaching,5,7,10,26,27,82,86,109,115,125,180Cognitiveflexibility,7learningtherapy,79Commitment,30Confidence,17,29,50–53,61,65,91,120,121,148lackof,16,20Confrontation,76Confusion,19,86,91,130,140Connectedness,58,61,69Consciousness,15,58,70,119Constructivism,7Contemplation,12,95Copingmechanism,4,35,38,54,93Corestrengths,133Criticism,4,88,90,91DDeborah'sshiftSeeShift,168Dedication,5,142,163Defensemechanism,6,18Dependency,8,18,30impactof,45,46Destiny,110,162,164Determination,15,17,27,41,72,104,106,109,111,112,121,124,177,178,181Dilemmas,87,112,121,124,132Discouragement,61–64,163Dispiritedness,61Dissatisfaction,98,177Drive,17,34,47,50,52,109,120,138,175,181Dynamic,5,10,15,28,67,77,83,86,88,104,140EEmotions,2,13,78,98,118,125,133Employment,3,27,72,86,110,111,126,139,141,142Encouragement,17,61,76,98,103,109,111,169Endurance,42,44,102,150,163,179226IndexEnergy,8,25,35,47,72,97,109,125,129,146,178Existential,2,14,67,73Expectation,6,11,36,44,52,53,83,86,106,128,151,152,179Expressivewriting,12Externalpush,36,102,129FFacebook,97,98,165,166Failure,3,8,17,26,34,35,44,52,54,62,65,75,89,97,109,179,180Faith,58,64,65,104,155asaparadigm,39,40,41Falseimpressions,111changing,108–112Feelings,7,13,14,22,62,70,104,107,132,142,151,152,163,180Fingerprint,87,95,162,163,164Fixations,101Fortitude,44,121,178Forward,3,6,16,25,59,83,110,127,148Freedom,15,24,66,68,94,130,177valueof,95GGeneralstraintheory,10Gestalttherapy,81Goals,9,16,55,70,83,86,90,115,128,129,132,139Guidance,81,130,173,182HHabit,4,22,43,46,146,178Hardwork,5,178Holotropictherapy,120Hope,6,9,10,39,43,64,106,122,136,163,171IIdealisms,5Impasse,3,120,121,153Impressions,70,93,96,108Inactivity,101Inadequacy,99Integrity,3,8,89Introspection,61Irrationalfear,36Irrelevance,2,135JJealousy,162LLearnedhelplessness,82,131Learningfromthepast,25Limitations,1,8,135,155Logic,36,38,76,108,160MMaintenance,42Maladaptivepatterns,22,54,71,167schemas,34,81,85,139,179Mentoring,26,73,77,89,180Metaphor,24,59,64,65,68,72,86,95,129,142Mindset,14,27,59,64,72,76,78,85,88,130,138,139,147,158,167,181Mistakes,47,86,151Modification,34,82Momentum,3,8,85,122,127,142,147Motivation,5,9,17,46,75,101,169,181NNegativeaura,75NegativeschemasSeeSchema,8Negativity,8,12,61,68,75,98,108,121,140patternof,4,5,11Neuralpaththerapy,78,79,80OOne'struth,50Opportunity,19,24,51,87,103,132,136,154,167PParadigm,3,9,13,14,20,33,35,38,40,41,44,62,86,93,135,179shift,2,17,25,29,36,43,44,48,104,105,150,169,170mechanismof,42,43transformationof,105Paradigmaticbehavior,35,43,93Paradigmaticthinking,2,6,9,27,34,35,38,41,43,45,85,175Patternofnegativity\tSeeNegativity,4Patterns,4,18,44,59,71,83,104,129Perception,1,9,12,13,14,52,104,149PerseveranceSeePersistence,52Persistence,52,72Personality,17,18,23,25,60,76,180Personalresponsibility,3,63,90,167Perspective,5,7,13,24,33,79,97,98,102,103,158,170227IndexPhenomenon,3,4,13,23,30,98,102,121,127,180Pioneers,15,89Planning,7,27,109,122,127,128,181Positiveattitude,28,60,110,115,121,167reinforcement,88,98Possibilities,3,17,26,89,103,123,124,139,145Potential,4,13,15,17,19,27,45,59,61,66,72,78,95,105,131,179,180Praise,88Pressures,4,19,28,35,102,160Productivity,125Progress,2,8,26,59,66,91,106,118,121,169,174,178,181Psyche,8,57,76,93,118Psychologicalconfinement,72fear,14masks,84reactance,95Psychotherapy,86,118,119,125Purpose,1,3,40,51,65,69,94,115,162,164RRationality,36Reality,3,7,13,25,36,40,43,50,51,70,93,114,152,171Recognition,106,124Re-establishment,95,139Regression,43,55,170Rejection,117societalparadigmof,10–12Relationships,4,10,16,19,23,51,80,104,180Relativism,104Resilience,2,4,62,79,102,108,114,175Resolve,4,9,26,75,97,115,131,153,179Responsibility,3,16,78,81,110,117,128,132,153,166,180Restart,177Retrospectivethinking,182Ritual,36,38,106SSchema,5,13conceptof,33focusedcognitivetherapy,71focusedmodel,71negative,8,9,16,69,72,73,78,86,90,104,111,112,116,117,159therapy,71Self-fulfillingprophecy,6,75Self-fulfillment,35Self-reliance,46,47,48Setbacks,15,27,85,97,132,178Shift,9,33,97,107Deborah,168,169,170gradationsof,54,55Situationalguidance,90Snapchat,97Socialanxiety,78,79Socialnetworking,98,99Soul,65,124,163Spirituality,40,57,64,68,69,154,170Stagnation,101Stasis,101Staticparadigm,2,101Stimuli,10,11,13,17,19,33,34,35,58,77,86,93,125,178Success,8,9,15,27,42,44,55,62,66,83,85,87,89,128,179Superstitions,6,28,36,37TTargetfixation,101Temptations,66,102Temptationtoquit,179Therapeuticintervention,4,10,130,177Therapist,2,4,6,8,16,28,44,73,76,78,80,81,83,108,110,117,121Transformation,8,72,105,124,166Trauma,6,13,24,79,162Treatment,4,30,82,117,123Triskaidekaphobia,36,37,38Trust,35,45,58,63,65,83,117,148,153,175,180Tweet,98Twitter,97UUnderstanding,1,5,7,12,35,43,46,58,66Utilization\tSeeEmployment,3VVulnerability,103,107