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TheLifeSheWanted.
ByMaryE.
MartinMarthaMylesdustedtheflourfromherhandsandwipedthemonherapron.
Shefoundthebeatersatthebackofthekitchendrawerandpressedthemintotheelectricmixer.
Hernewcookbookwasproppedopenonthecounter.
Withreadingglassesperchedonhernose,shestaredattherecipe.
Endlessfineprintranacrossthepage,obscuringwhatoughttobeasimpletask.
"Addtwoeggs,"shemuttered.
"Mixthemwiththeflour,butterandmilk.
"Shecrackedtheeggsintothebowl,theiryellowyolksstaringupatherlikeblank,unseeingeyes.
Shestoppedtopickoutsomeshells.
Themixerwhirredmakingtheyellowyeggsdivetothebottom.
Whenthecakemixturespatteredherglasses,shecleanedthemoff,andsighing,shereturnedtohertask.
Withgreatconcentration,shepouredthemixintothepansandsetthemintheoven.
Fortyminutestoread,shecalculated.
Atthekitchentable,shereachedforherglassofwineandopenedawell-thumbedbook.
StudiesinPhilosophy,itreadintinygoldlettersdownitsmarooncolouredspine.
CouldphilosophyunraveltheriddleWastherelifebeyondthisoneWithinmoments,shewasseducedbyracingriversofthought.
Likeatwigcaughtinswirlingcurrents,hermindpausedtopuzzleoveranidea,thensurgedonwardthroughthetext.
DidphysicalsensescloudotherpossibilitiesLikecapriciousbreezes,glimpsesofunknowndimensionsteasedthefringesofhermind.
Thekitchennolongerexisted.
Marthanolongerexisted.
Hermindsoaredtocoolanddeliciousrealmsofpurethought.
Thehighkitchenwindow,blackenedbythenight,reflectedherhunchedformwhichresembledanapparitionfromadistantworld.
Shedidnotlookthroughtheovenwindowtoseethecakeheavingwithtinyvolcanoes.
Martharemainedoblivioustothedarkeningmasssloppingfromthebakepans.
Onlywhenwispsofburntsmokewaftedthroughthestovetopdidshelookup.
Inblindconfusion,shesoughtherglasses.
Sharpsmellsofcharredruinsfilledthekitchen.
Withuncomprehendingeyes,shepeeredintotheovenandsawthelava-likemixturespillingout.
Snatchingonovenmitts,shepulledthepanfromtheracktothecounter.
Indisbelief,shestaredattheblackened,crustedcakeasifitwerearelicinexplicablyunearthedfromalostworld.
Marthaknewtoletthecakecool.
Shepouredmorewineandattemptedtoreturntohertext.
Butthephysicalevidenceoffailurewouldnotletherescapetoherworld.
WhyhadshetriedtobakeacakeToproveherselftothechurchaltarguild,sheadmitted.
Thesinofpride,shesmiledtoherself.
Withdetermination,sheapproachedthecake,knifeinhand.
Shechippedoffasmuchoftheblackcrustasshecould,thenslatheredthecakewithicing.
Gobsofglisteningchocolatehelpedfillinthecraters.
Itwasasorryjob,butitwouldhavetodo.
Afterplacingthecakeonaplate,sheputonhercoatandcarrieditoutsideintothedarkstreetattenthirtynine.
MarthaMylesdidnotseetheshadowoftheracingbicycle.
Shedidnothearthefranticbellandthecryofthecyclistashetriedtobrake.
Thefrontwheelcaughtherstraightonandherbodyflewupwardlikeagracelessbird,onlytothuddownonthefarsidewalk.
Thecyclistrantoher.
Shedidnotmove.
Shehadhitherheadonalamppostandnowshewasdead.
Thecakehadsplatteredontheroad.
"Mama'sdead,Francine.
"Margaret'svoicewasashocked,hoarsewhisperonthephone.
"No,thatcan'tbe!
"Francineclutchedherbathrobeaboutherandsankintoachair.
"Whathappened"Margaret'svoicechoked.
"Abicyclekilledher.
"Francine'ssobwasstrangled,likeabarkoflaughter.
"Shewasridingabicycle"Shecouldnotvisualizehermotheronabicycle.
"No,ofcoursenot!
"saidMargaretinsurprise.
Immediately,Francinewasrelieved.
Theimageofhermotherteeteringonabicycleseatwouldnotplagueher.
"Shewashitbyone.
""ButwhereHow""Crossingthestreet.
Lateatnight.
"Margaretwhispered.
"Thecakewassmushedtoo.
"Francine'shandstrembledasshelitacigarette.
"Cake"sheasked.
"Mamabakedacake.
Achocolateone.
""What"ShecouldnotimagineMotherbakingacake.
"It'strue!
Thecakewasontheroad.
""Momneverbaked,"saidFrancineobstinately.
"Well,shedidthistime!
"Francinedidnotmissthedefiantnotefromheryoungersister.
"Thekitchenwasamess.
""Waitaminute,Maggie.
"Francinewasdisoriented.
"You'retellingmeMombakedacakeandwalkedoutintothestreetwithitlateatnight.
Thenshewashitbyabicycle"Margaret'sreplywasmuffled.
"Yes.
""Butthat'sridiculous!
Wherewasshegoingwithacakeatthathour"Thetelephonelinewassilentformoments.
AtlastMargaretsaidevenly.
"HowshouldIknow,FrannyComehome.
Justcomehome.
"Atnoon,thenextday,Francinepulledontheheavybrassdoorofthefuneralhome.
Fromtheglaringsunshineofthenoontimestreet,sheenteredthecavernousquietofthereceptionroom.
Takingoffhersunglasses,shestoodbeforethepolisheddeskandrangthebell.
Herhandsprangbackatthejangling.
Shelookedaboutnervouslyasifafraidshehaddisturbedthoselaidtorestinbackrooms.
Frombehindaheavybrocadecurtain,amanappeareddressedinashinyblacksuit.
"Yes,Miss"Hisvoicewassoft,buthisdarkeyebrowsroseupwardunpleasantly.
Francinetriedtostraightenhercoat.
Inexplicably,shewaspanting.
"MrsMyles,please.
""Youare"Themanranameticulouslymanicurednaildownacolumninabook.
"Herdaughter.
""Ah,yes.
Mrs.
Mylesisnotquitereadyyet.
""Ready"Francinewasconfused.
Themansmiledsadlyather.
Apoorattemptatprofessionalsympathy,shethought.
Heclearedhisthroatdiscreetlyandsaid,"ThecasketwillbebroughtuptoRoomFiveinaboutanhour.
Perhapsyou'dliketoseeyoursisternow"Francinenoddedslightlyasthemanusheredherdownanarrowcorridor.
Intheemptyvisitationroom,thesistersclungbrieflyinanawkwardembrace.
Embarrassedbyhersister'sbrimmingeyes,Francinesatdownandgazedoutthewindow.
Atlastsheasked,"Maggie,howdidthishappenWhendidmotherstartbaking"Margaretlookedoddlyathersisterthenshrugged.
"Idon'tknow.
Whydoesitmatter"Hervoicedroppedtoawhisper.
"Imean,now"Carefully,shedabbedthetearsfromherpuffedandreddenedcheeks.
Francinetwistedherfingersinherlap.
"WhatdoesAuntEvelynsay"sheasked,pursinglipsindistaste.
MaggiewasthespittingimageofAuntEvelyn.
Inashowofimpatience,Francinetappedherfingersonthearmofthechair.
Herfingerswerelikemother's—slimandtapered.
Withforcedcalm,Margaretshruggedagain.
"She'sdevastated,ofcourse.
ButFranny,whyareyougoingonaboutbakingNobodyelsethinksbakingisstrange.
"AngerflaredinFrancine.
"Momhatedbaking!
That'swhyI'mgoingonaboutit.
"Maggie'smouthdroppedopenandthensettledinapout.
Itwasridiculous,thoughtFrancine.
Ontheslightestpretext,somewomenwouldbakeacake.
Motherhadyearnedforrealchallengesinlife.
Notbaking.
Francinechokedonthethoughtofdulldomesticityhemminghermotherin.
Maggiesniffedandclaspedherhandsinherlap.
"Actually,sinceyou'vebeengone,Mama'sgottenquiteinvolvedinthechurch.
Probablyshewasmakingsomethingforthebakesale.
"Francinelurchedforwardinherchair.
"ThechurchForGod'ssake,shewasalwaysanatheist.
"MargarettwistedherKleenex.
"You'vebeenawayforsometime,Franny.
"Shepaused.
"Busywithyourownlifeandall.
"Francinestroveforacontrolledtone.
"YouthinkIneglectedMom,sosheturnedtoreligion"Margaretwasshocked.
"Ofcoursenot.
Shejustwentonwithherownlifethebestshecould.
Whatifsheturnedtothechurchwhenshebecamesick""Sick"Francinewasrigid.
"Momwasillandnobodytoldme"Eyebrowsraised,theundertakerpokedhisheadinthedoorway.
Francinewavedhimoff.
"Nowdon'tmakeascene,Franny.
Mommademepromisenottotellyou.
"Theundertakerreturnedandbeganre-arrangingthebanksofflowers.
"Whatwaswrongwithher"Francinedemanded.
Sherummagedaboutinherpurseandthenlookeddesperatelyaboutforanashtray.
Shefoundnone.
"Shehadcancer,butthedoctorsthoughtitwasinremission.
"Francinejerkedfromherchair.
"Great!
Motherhadcancer.
Nobodytoldme.
"Snappingarosefromavase,shebegantwirlingitinherhand.
Maggiedrewback.
Francinestartedtopaceaboutthecoffeetable.
Firstshepeeledonepetalbackandabsentlygrounditbetweenherthumbandforefinger.
"Momwassickandtookupreligion,"Francinecontinued,asherfacegrewpinchedandwhite.
Margaretfoldedherarmsacrossherchest.
Witheachdeterminedstep,Francinetorebackmorepetalsandletthemscattertothefloor.
Herfingersgrewstainedwithredfromtherose.
Margaretstaredatthefloorandsaidnothing.
Francineshredtheremainingpetalsintoabowlofhardcandies.
Francine'svoicecuttheirsilence.
"Thenshestartedbakingandnobodysaidaword.
"Maggiepursedherlipsthensaid,"Whatonearthiswrongwithbaking"Francinesmackedthestemacrossherpalm.
Herwhitefacewasredandblotchy.
Toweringabovehersister,shehissed,"Nowyoucallwhenshe'sstruckandkilledbyabicycle.
"Maggiesighedandglancedatherwatch.
"Yes,Francine.
That'swhathappened.
""ListenMaggie,Momwasaveryintelligentwoman.
Shegaveupeverythingwhenwemovedtothistownwherethebiggestexcitementisarummagesale.
"Francinetossedthestemonthetableandstoodwithhandsonherhips.
"DidyouknowwhatMomdreamtof"Margaretshookherhead.
"Shewashappyenoughhere,"sheinsisted.
"HappySuffocatinginthisbackwaterDidyouknowMomwantedtogobacktouniversityandstudyphilosophy"Maggiesmoothedherskirtandreplied.
"NoFrancine,Ididn'tknow.
Mamawashappyenoughhere.
Shehadhersisterandherfriends.
""Andnochanceforthelifeshewanted,"Francinebreathedasshefoughtbackhertears.
Maggieshruggedandsighed.
"Noteveryonesawitthatway,Francine.
Besidesshehadme,too.
""That'sright.
Everyonearoundtoholdherback,"concludedFrancine.
Thetwosistersglaredateachotheruntilasoftsnifflingdistractedthem.
Framedinthedoorway,stoodAuntEvelyn.
Justlikeapuffedup,quaveringhen,thoughtFrancine.
Margaretrantoherside.
"AuntEvie!
Thankgoodnessyou'vecome.
"TearsdampenedMargaret'scheeksasshehuggedEvelyn.
Francineapproachedherauntwithcare.
SheknewdeadlycharmbathedEvelyn'scriticaleye.
Francineheldoutherhandandsmiledsadly.
"Hownicetoseeyou,Evelyn.
"EvelyntookFrancine'shandanddrewhercloseinasuffocatingembrace.
"Franny,I'msosorry.
Thismustbeaterribleshockforyou.
"Francine'schestknifedinspasm.
Hervisioncloudedasshefoughtbacksuddentears.
Shesmiledsobroadly,ithurt.
"Apparently,Iknewnothingofmymotherandherlife,"shesaid.
"You'vebeenawayinthecity,dear.
"Evelynpattedherhand.
"Yourmotherwassoproudofyouandyourcareer.
Sheunderstood,I'msure.
"Francinewithdrewherhand.
EvelynsniffedgentlyandturnedbacktoMargaret.
"Whenaretheybringingherup,dear"Evelynasked.
Margaretglancedatherwatch.
"Anymomentnow.
"Francinewinced.
Unfamiliarwithfuneralcustom,shefloatedofftoexaminetherowsofflowersstiflingtheroom.
Dozensofbloodredroses,shethoughtasherstomachpitchedwithrevulsion.
Wordschokedinherthroat.
Everyoneelseknewwhattosayintheircomfortablegrief.
"It'sanopencasket,isn'titdear"whisperedEvelyninMargaret'sear.
Francinestiffenedatthesoft,insinuatingwords.
Dabbinghertears,Margaretnodded.
"Andthey'vedonealovelyjob,too.
"Spinningonherheel,Francinefacedthem.
"Youmeaneveryonewillseeher"Theeyesofthetwowomenwidenedinshock.
Theirroundbodiespuffedupwithindignation.
Howaliketheywere,wasFrancine'sonlythought.
Withintenyears,MargaretwouldbeEvelynandEvelynwouldbegone.
Evelynclearedherthroatanddidnothidehersmileofpity.
"Itiscustomary,dear,""Mamawouldhavewantedit,"saidMargaretuneasily.
"Tobeondisplay"Francinewasincredulous.
Thesilentundertakersteppedintotheroomandglancedwarilyabout.
Overhisshoulder,Francinesawtwosmooth,pink-cheekedyoungmen.
Together,theycarefullywheeledthegleamingoakcasketintotheroom,onastretcherofstainlesssteel.
Withgreatcare,theyparkeditatthefarendoftheroominfrontofthebanksofflowers.
Withquick,daintysteps,MargaretandEvelynapproachedthecasket.
FrancinewatchedingrowinghorrorasEvelynnoddedtotheundertaker,whonoddedtotheyoungmeninblacksuitsandstiffwhitecollars.
Silently,theyopenedthelidofthecasket.
Focusingonlyonthecrouchedbacksofhersisterandaunt,Francineapproachedcautiously.
"Oh!
"gaspedMargaret.
Francinecouldseenothingbutthebacksofthewomenblockingouttheview.
"Shelookswonderful,"murmuredEvelyninreverentialtones.
"Justlikeherself,"croonedMargaret.
"Letmesee!
"saidFrancineasshecrowdedinbetweenthem.
Francinepushedthewomenaside.
"OhmyGod!
"Francinewhispered.
Herhandflewtoherlipstostifleacry.
"What'swrongdear"askedEvelyn,gentlytakingherhand.
"Iknowitcanbeashock,but.
.
.
""What'sonhernose!
"laughedFrancineasshepointedatthecorpse.
Inconsternation,theyoungmensteppedclosertothecasket.
Theundertaker'sfrowndeepened.
"Areyouallright,dear"EvelynpressedFrancine'shandandlookedupatheranxiously.
Francinecouldseeonlyonething.
Ahuge,dingypinkmothappearedtohaveperchedonthetipofhermother'snose.
Desperately,sheglancedaboutthefrozenfacescircledaroundthecasket.
Laughterchokedher.
Hermindreeledwithimprobabilities.
Itcouldnotbeamoth,shethoughtinanextremeefforttosoberherself.
WhatwasitthenPushingherwaytotheheadofthecasket,shepeereddirectlyatthebody.
Old-fashionedglasses,justlikeEvelyn'ssatonthetipofthealabasternose.
Theframeswerepinkwithsilversequinsonthehinges.
Theirupsweptstylegavetheimpressionofwingsinflight.
Notamoth,afterall.
Sternly,shetoldherselftostoplaughing.
Foramoment,shefoughttheconvulsionswellingupinher.
"Howridiculous!
"sheannouncedangrily.
"Whatiswrong,Franny"Margaretdemanded.
.
"You'rebesideyourself.
"Despiteherbestefforts,achuckleescapedFrancineassheturnedonhersister.
"It'sgrotesque!
It'sabsurd!
""What"camethechorus.
"Theglasses.
""What'swrongwiththeglasses"askedEvelynpatiently.
"WhatpossibleusehassheforthemShe'sdead.
Shecannotsee.
"Rollinghereyes,Margaretsteppedforward.
"Francine,you'remakingascene.
Theytrytomakeherasshewas.
Aslifelikeaspossible.
""She'sdead,Margaret!
Whypretendshe'snot"Francinereachedfortheglasses.
Margaret'shandshotoutandheldhersister'shandfast.
Francinewithdrew.
"Besides,theglassesarehideouslyugly,"Francinesaidquietly.
Evelynstiffened.
"Iknowyou'reupset,darling.
Perhapsaglassofwater"Francinehuggedherself.
Sheheardvoicessurroundingher.
"AreyoushiveringAreyoucoldFrancineshookherhead.
"Lookwhatyou'vedonetoher.
"Francinetouchedhermother'shand.
Howcoldandhardandbrittleitwas.
Theunlivedlifewasforevergone,suffocatedbythecommonplacewishesofothers.
Nowtheywantedtoprolongit.
Theywantedtopretendshewasstillwiththembakingcakesinchurchhallsandkitchens,filledwithcluckinghens.
Wherewastheadventure,theloveoflifeandpursuitofthoughtWherewerethebooksandthepaintingsFrancinebegantoweepinuselessanger.
"Shewantedtostudyphilosophy.
Shewrotetomeaboutthat,"sheinsisted.
"Philosophy"someoneaskedinsurprise.
"Butallofyounarrowedhervision.
WhatchancedidshehaveShehatedbakingcakes!
""Noonestoppedherfromreading.
"insistedMargaret.
"Whatevershewanted.
""Sheofferedtobringsomethingforthebakesale,"saidEvelyn.
"Shewaspartofthecommunityhere.
"Francinecriedout.
"Lookatthoseglasses!
They'reghastlyandshedoesn'tneedthemanymore.
"Shereachedintothecasket.
Withoneswiftmovement,shesnatchedtheglassesfromhermother'snose.
Withadeepbreath,AuntEvelyndrewherselfup.
HerbosomalmostreachedFrancine'smidriff.
Inquaveringtones,shesaid,"Taketheglassesifyoumust,mydear.
Butwereallycan'tunderstandyou.
Whycan'taphilosopherbakeacake,ifthat'sthelifeshewants"