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BBBAUTISMSUPPORTNETWORKwww.
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comMyDocuments/printable_articles/article_21_disciplining_a_child_with_PDD5/9/20021Parenting:DiscipliningaChildwithPDD(BBBAutismprintablearticle#21)DevelopmentalDisorders:FindingaDiagnosisandGettingHelpbyMitziWaltz,copyright1999byO'Reilly&Associates,Inc.
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FamilystrifeDisciplineProblembehaviorsThere'saparableaboutacceptingchildrenwithdisabilitiesthatregularlymakestheroundsofsupport-groupnewslettersandInternetdiscussiongroups.
WrittenbyEmilyPerlKingsley,"WelcometoHolland"(Kingsley,1987)talksabouttheexperienceofplanningatriptoItalybutaccidentallyendingupinHolland,whichdoesn'thavetheColiseumorMichelangelo'sDavid,butdoeshavelovelytulipsandRembrandt.
Hollandisdifferent,butit'sgoodinitsownway--justlikeyourchildwithadisability.
Whilemanyparentshavefoundthisfablecomforting,othersfeelpatronizedbywell-meaningadviceandreadingmaterialthatencouragesthemtosimplyaccepttheirlot.
"IlookatthatWelcometoHollandpappieceandthink,'WhatthehelldotheymeanTry`WelcometoBosnia'!
'"--Krista,motherofseven-year-oldJoshuaWhenyouareencouragedtoacceptyourlot,eventoseeitasagift,itcanmakeyouthinkyoudon'thavetherighttobemad--butyoudo.
Noonedeservestohavethesedisorders,andnoonedeservestohavetheirlivesturnedupsidedownbycaringforsomeoneelsewhodoes.
Ononelevel,youdohavetoacceptthesituation.
Onanother,youcannot,andmustnotifyouaretohavetheenergyanddeterminationtohelpyourchild.
Youmayfeelsurprisinglyangryifyou'retoldthatGodorhaschosenyouforthe"special"dutyofparentingachildwithadisability.
Peopleusuallymeanthesewordsasacompliment,buttheycanaddtointernalfeelingsofbeingtrappedinaroleyouneveraskedfor,andtofeelingsofinadequacy.
AndasKrista'scommentsaboveindicate,aPDDdiagnosiscanturnfamilylifeintoabattlefield.
Lookingatthecarnagethroughrose-coloredglassesisn'talwaysanoption.
FamilyStrifeMaryCallahan'sbookFightingforTonyisafineportraitofhowaPDDdiagnosiscanaffectafamily.
WhetheryouagreewithCallahan'stheoriesaboutthecausesofherson'sautisticbehaviorornot,herdescriptionofamarriage'sdisintegrationunderpressurewillbesadlyfamiliartomanyparentsofchildrenwithPDDs.
Asherson'smysteriousillnesspitchedtheCallahansintorepeatedbattleswithdoctors,theschoolsystem,andeachother,asolidandlovingrelationshipwasdestroyedbythepressure.
Thistruestoryhasahappyending--notonlydidCallahan"recover"herson,sheandherhusbandeventuallyrecoveredtheirmarriage.
BBBAUTISMSUPPORTNETWORKwww.
bbbautism.
comMyDocuments/printable_articles/article_21_disciplining_a_child_with_PDD5/9/20022Anotherpoignantportraitofautism'seffectsonthefamilyisFamilyPictures,anovelbySueMiller.
LatermadeintoaveryaffectingTVmovie,FamilyPictureschroniclesthedramaticimpactofanautisticsononhisaffluentNortheasternfamily.
BothCallahan'sreal-lifeaccountanditsfictionalcounterpartdemonstratethesamepoint:theword"pervasive"inpervasivedevelopmentaldisordersdescribestheimpactoftheseconditionsonthepeoplearoundthepatient,aswellasonthepatienthimself.
"Mymarriagehasdefinitelysuffered,alsomyrelationshipwithmyolderdaughters.
Ifinditdifficulttokeepitallinperspective.
"--Lesley,motherofthree-year-oldDanielle(diagnosedPDD-NOS)Everyfamilyisdifferent,butthereareafewproblemsthatmanyhaveincommon.
Theseinclude:DifferencesoverdisciplineInabilitytohandleproblembehaviorsWithdrawalbyoneparent,orbyoneormoresiblingsOverinvolvementbyoneparentBurnoutResentment"Geneticblame"ParentalneuropsychiatricproblemsBreakdownofextendedfamilyrelationshipsCommunityisolationFinancialproblemsrelatedtodisabilitySiblingrivalrycompoundedbybehaviorproblemsDisciplinePerhapsthenumberoneprobleminanyfamilywithchildrenisdifferencesofopinionaboutwhatconstitutesappropriatediscipline.
Theseareonlycompoundedwhenachildhasaneuropsychiatricdisability.
Thebehaviorproblemsarebigger,andsolvingthemismoredifficult.
Conflictsbetweenparentsbecomemorelikely.
Uncontrollabletantrumsorragesinaneight-year-old,self-injuriousbehavior,assaultiveordestructivebehavior,andcommunicationproblemsbetweenparentandnonverbalchildwerenotdealtwithbyDr.
BenjaminSpockorPenelopeLeach.
Grandparentsandfriendshaven'taclue.
Theusualstrategiesmaynotworkatall.
Inparticular,spankingandotherformsofcorporalpunishmentoftenseemtofeedtheparent-childconflagration.
Foronething,autistic-spectrumpeopleoftenhaveunusualperceptionsofpain.
There'sadangerthatgettingthroughtothechildwithasmackonthebehindwon'twork,andparentsmaythenbetemptedtogotoofarwithphysicalpunishment.
Inaddition,hittingcanreinforceachild'sassaultiveorself-injuriousbehaviors.
Forthesereasons,parentsarestronglyadvisedbyalmosteveryexpertinautistic-spectrumdisorderstofindalternativemethodsofdiscipline.
Andthereinliestherub.
With"normal"children,rules,reasoning,brieftime-outs,andanoccasionaldockedallowancewillusuallysuffice.
Whatdoyoudowhenthechildcan'tfollowyourreasoningorputsupawallthatyoucan'tgetthroughThisisastruggleforanyparent,andwhentwoparentsareatoddsitonlygetsworse.
BBBAUTISMSUPPORTNETWORKwww.
bbbautism.
comMyDocuments/printable_articles/article_21_disciplining_a_child_with_PDD5/9/20023It'sverycommonforonepartnertohavealowertolerancethreshold,orasmallerrepertoireofeffective,nonviolentdisciplinestrategies.
Thisiswheretheargumentsbegin.
Oneparentletsabehaviorgo,whiletheotherishugelyannoyedbyitandeventuallyblowsup.
Oneparentspanks,andtheotherrushestocomfortthechild.
Oneparentgivesatime-out,andtheotheraddsasecondpunishmentbecausethatdoesn'tseemlikeenough.
"MyhusbandandIhadtroubleforseveralyearsbecausehedidnotwanttoadmitthatoursonhadaproblem.
Itwasjusttoomuchforhimtoface.
Hefeltthatstrictdisciplinewouldovercomethehyperactivityandtheshortattentionspan.
Finally,aftermysonregressedtothepointthathedidn'twanttobetouchedandcouldn'tfindhiswayaround,[myhusband]cametotheparty.
"--Kim,motherofseven-year-oldBrad(diagnosedatypicalPDD,cognitiveepilepsy/Landau-Kleffnersyndrome)Differencesoverdisciplineareoftendeep-seated.
Mostofwhatweknowaboutraisingwell-behavedchildrenwelearnedourparents,forbetterorforworse.
Chancesarethatnotonlywereyourparentsimperfectdisciplinariansatbest,butalsoweren'traisingchildrenwithPDDs.
Techniquesthatworkedyou,asayoungstermaybetotallyinappropriateforyourchild.
Thefirstkeytoresolvingdisciplinedisagreementsismakingacompactbetweenparents.
Behaviorexpertswhohaveworkedwithfamiliesaffectedbyawidevarietyofneuropsychiatricdisordersagreethatthiscompactshouldinclude,atminimum,thefollowingpoints:Thebestdisciplineispositive,soparentsmustrelyonprovidingincentivesfordesirablebehaviorbeforeusingpunishmenttocontrolundesirablebehavior.
The"tokeneconomy"schemesusedinmanyclassroomscanbesuccessfullyadaptedforhomeuse,forexample.
Parentsshouldalsolearnaboutalternativestrategiesforaddressingtherootsofproblembehavior,suchasrelaxationtechniques.
Punishmentmustfitthecrime.
Wheneverpossible,theonlypunishmentshouldbeexperiencingthenaturalandlogicalconsequencesofanundesirableaction.
Forexample,ifJoebiteshisfriendJane,Janewillgohome.
IfJoepourshisjuiceonthetable,Joehastocleanitupanddoesnotgetanotherglassofjuice.
Parentsmustagreeonbasicguidelinesforstoppingundesirablebehavior,suchaswhetherphysicalpunishmentiseveracceptable,whatformdisciplinewilltake,andunderwhatcircumstancesitwillbemetedout.
Ifphysicalpunishmentisevertobeused,itshouldbealastresortandusedinacontrolledfashion.
Accordingly,parentsmustcomeupwithacommonsetofeffectivedisciplinarymeasuresforundesirablebehavior.
Thesemayincludelossofallowanceorprivileges,additionofchoresorotherresponsibilities,time-outs,and,forolderchildren,grounding.
Parentsmustagreetoavoidcallingthechild(oreachother)hurtfulnamesorusingotherverbalabuse.
Parentsneedtosupporteachotherintheefforttoremaincalmduringbehaviorproblems.
Ifaparentislosingcontrol,heorsheshouldfeelfreetoturnthesituationovertotheotherpartnerlongenoughtotakea"parentaltime-out.
"Parentsmustnot,however,giveonepartnerthepermanentroleofdisciplinarian.
Theold"wait'tilDaddygetshome"scenarioletsoneparentoffthehook,andencourageschildrentobefearfulandmanipulative.
Forchildrenwithneurologicalproblems,delayeddisciplinecanbeparticularlyconfusing.
Ifanundesirablebehaviorhappensrepeatedly,andneitherincentivesnordisincentivesseemtocurbit,parentsshouldagreetolookcloserforhiddencausesBehavioranalysistechniquescanbeveryusefulinthisregard.
BBBAUTISMSUPPORTNETWORKwww.
bbbautism.
comMyDocuments/printable_articles/article_21_disciplining_a_child_with_PDD5/9/20024Mostimportantly,parentsmustpresentaunitedfront,evenwhentheydon'tactuallyagree.
Argumentsoverdisciplineshouldnotoccurinfrontofthechild.
IfMomthinksJoeneedsatime-outforthrowingblocks,butDadthinksareprimandissufficient,DadcanletherknowhowhefeelswhileJoeisintime-out.
Nexttimeithappens,they'llbeinfullagreementabouttheproperconsequenceforthrowingthings.
ParentsdoneedtorememberthatpeoplewithPDDsmayrespondtodisciplineunevenly.
Achildwhohasragesthatariseoutofseizuresorotherneurologicaleventsmaynotbeabletogainself-controlatthesetimes,butcandosowhenthebehaviorisagarden-varietytempertantrum.
PeoplewithPDDsmayperformactscompulsivelyandbeunabletocontroltheseactionsbyforceofwillalone.
Interventionsmayhavetoincludeprotectivedevices,securitymeasures,andmedication.
Thebottomlineisthatyouknowyourchild.
Tobeeffective,thedisciplineplanyoucreatemustbeindividualized,andmustbeflexibleenoughtotakeintoaccountthechild'smentalandneurologicalrealities.
FindingHelpTheseskillsdonotcomenaturally,sothesecondkeytodefusingthebehaviortimebombisfindingexpertassistance.
Behaviormodificationprofessionals,ABApractitioners,familytherapistswhoareknowledgeableaboutneuropsychiatricdisorders,andotherscanhelp.
Usuallytheprofessionalshouldobservethechildinteractingwithparentsandsiblingsathome,preferablymorethanonce.
Theseprofessionalscanhelpwithbothanoverallbehaviorplan,muchlikethoseusedinschoolsandwithspecificsuggestions.
Thebestexpertscanbeavailableonalong-termbasis,providingparentswithsomeonetocallwhentheyrunoutofideasorpatience.
Agoodfamilytherapistcanbeofparticularhelpwhenparentsdonotagreeaboutappropriaterulesanddiscipline.
Yourspecialeducationcasemanager,governmentmentalhealthordevelopmentaldisabilitiesdepartment,psychiatrist,orprovidershouldbeabletohelpyoufindprofessionalhelpforbehaviormanagement.
AboutTime-outsFormostchildren,time-outsareaneffectivewaytogainthechild'sattention,makeitclearthatabehaviorisundesirable,andattachaconsequencetoabehaviorthatdoesn'thavebuilt-innaturalandlogicalconsequences.
ForsomechildrenwithPDDs,theyareveryeffective.
Forothers,theyarenot.
Childrenwhoareseverelysociallywithdrawnmayactuallyfindtime-outstobereinforcing.
Forthesechildren,ABAandbehaviormodificationtechniquesareabetterchoice.
Youmaywanttomodifyyourtime-outproceduretotakeyourchild'sspecialneedsintoaccount.
Forchildrenwhohavetroublewithtimeconcepts,forexample,atimerorstopwatchcanhelpchildrenwhoareoftengiventime-outstodealwithfrustrated,aggressivebehaviormayneedaspacewithpillowsorfoambatstheycansafelybangaround.
Somefamilieshaveclearedoutaclosetforatime-outspace,removingtheclothesbarandanyotherpotentiallydangerousitemsandaddingapunchingbag,beanbagchair,andotheritemsthatcanhelpachildworkoutangryfeelings.
(NotefromBBBAutism:althoughthisisonthewholeagreatarticle,weinnowayadvocateputtingyourchildinacloset–foranyreason!
)ParentingClassesParentingclassesmayormaynotbeuseful.
ParentEffectivenessTraining,PositiveParenting,andsimilarcoursesaredesignedforchildrenwhoseresponsesfitthepredictablepattern.
WhenachildhasPDD,hisresponsetoaparticularBBBAUTISMSUPPORTNETWORKwww.
bbbautism.
comMyDocuments/printable_articles/article_21_disciplining_a_child_with_PDD5/9/20025incentiveordisciplinarymeasuremaynotfitthemold.
Forexample,achildmaynotbeabletograsptheconceptofnaturalandlogicalconsequencesuntilamuchlateragethanexpected.
Asnotedearlier,corporalpunishmentmaybeineffectiveorcounterproductive.
Reasoningwithagrade-schoolchildwhohasaPDDmaybeauselessexercise.
Theincentivesthatmotivate"normal"childrenmaybeoflittleinterest.
"Myson'sdaytreatmentcenterrequiredparentstoattendaweeklyskill-buildinggroup.
I'msureitwasvaluableforsomeofthefamilies,butitjustgavemearegularreminderofhowfaroutofthemainstreamwewere.
WhenIaskedmyfirstquestion,itwasabouthowtohandleachildinanout-of-controlrage.
TheteacheraskedmetoexplainwhatImeant.
WhenIstartedtalkingaboutachildwhoturnsbrightred,fallstothefloor,bitesanythinginreach,andcan'tbecalmedforaslongastwohours,sheblanchedandsaid,"Gee,Idon'tknowmaybeyoushouldaskapsychiatrist.
"Thepsychiatrist,ofcourse,hadsuggestedthatIbringuptheissueinmyparentingclass.
Weneverhavegottenagoodanswer.
Wedefinitelyneedparentingskillsthataredifferentfromwhatworkedwithourdaughter.
Whocantelluswhatweshouldbedoing"Sometimesparentingclassesgearedtothespecialneedsoffamilieswithdisabledchildrenareavailablethroughlocalhospitals,EarlyInterventionorspecialeducationprograms,ordisabilitysupportgroups.
Dependingontheinstructor'sskilllevelandapproach,thesecanbeveryvaluable.
ProblemBehaviorsWhatdoyoudowhenyourchildhasabehaviorthatyou(oryourpartner)simplycan'thandleEcholalia,weirdnoises,constanthumming,headbanging,pesteringthepets--whateveritisthatmakesyouflipyourlid,yourchildwithPDD-NOSoratypicalPDDwillprobablyfindit.
Ifitappearstobesomethingneurologicalthatyou'lljusthavetolivewithforawhile,trydealingwithyourreactionratherthanthebehavior.
Tryearplugs,aWalkmanwithheadphones,askingyourpartnerifyoucangoforawalkforfifteenminutes…whateverittakestokeepyousane.
Likewise,ifyourpartneristheonebeingdrivenupthewall,bewillingtotakeoverforawhileandlethimavoidtheannoyance.
Alternatively,changethesituationtoavoidtheannoyingbehavior.
Ifyourchild'sfine-motorproblemsleadtoatrociouseatinghabitsthatturnyourstomach,haveakids'tableandanadults'tableatdinnertime,ortwodifferentdinnertimes.
Orservethechildfoodsthatarehardertomakeahorriblemesswith.
Tryrelaxingyourstandardsabit--MarthaStewartdoesnothaveanautistic-spectrumchildathome,soyoureallyshouldn'ttrytocompetewithherinthecreativehousekeepingdepartment.
GetasitterinsteadoftakingthechildwithaPDDtoafancyrestaurant,orchooserestaurantswherebeingmessyisnobigdeal.
Becreativeinyoursolutions,anddon'tworryaboutwhetheryourfamily'swayofcopingis"normal"ornot.
Gogroceryshoppingatmidnight,orderclothesfromcatalogs,putalockontherefrigerator,setupacotinyourroomforyourchildwhohasnightterrors.
Ifitworksforyouandharmsnoone,it'sallright.
BBBAUTISMSUPPORTNETWORKwww.
bbbautism.
comMyDocuments/printable_articles/article_21_disciplining_a_child_with_PDD5/9/20026"Oursonisalmosteight,andhestillsleepsinourbedalmosteverynight.
Ibroughtthisuphesitantlyinmyemailchatgroup,andfoundoutthatwearefarfromtheonlyparentswhoallowthis.
Heseemstoneedtheextracontact,andhesleepsthroughthenightconsistently.
"Anoticetoourreaders.
.
.
ThefoundersandcontributorsofBBBAutismSupportNetworkarenotphysicians;weareparentscontributinginatotallyvoluntarycapacity.
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Referencetothemhereinshallnotbeconstruedtobeanendorsementofthesewebsitesorbooksoroftheinformationcontainedthereon,bytheeditor.
InformationonPDD/ASDcanquicklybecomeoutdated.
Ifanyoftheinformationinthisdocumentprovestobeinaccuratewhenyouresearchit,kindlyinformingusbyemailing:liz@deaknet.
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Thanksforyourhelpandsupport.