哥哥我爱您

DoIhavesomethingIwishmyparentswouldunderstandYes.
Manythings.
AlettertomyMomaboutwhatIwishyouwouldunderstand:Thisismydedicationtoyou.
TherearetwothingsthatIhopeyouwillrememberforever.
Inthosetwothingsareinfinities.
One:Iloveyou.
我爱你.
Two:Iamforeverindebttoyou,andIwishIcouldgiveyoueverything.
Therearesomanywaystodescribeyou.
Singlemotheroftwochildren,full-timejobasscientificresearcher.
Hardworking,caring,tough-loving,passionate.
ItisbecauseofyouthatIwasabletogetintotheGTmagnet(GiftedandTalented),intoaSTEMprograminmiddleschool,andnowoneofthemostrigoroushighschoolSTEMmagnetprogramsinthecounty.
WhenIamstressedandworkingmyselftiredwithhomework,youarestressedandworkingyourselfevenmorecleaningandcookingdinnerandlunchandbreakfast.
Youaretheonethatdrivesmeeverydaytoallofmyactivities,youaretheonethatregistersmeformysummercampseveryyear,youaretheonethatschedulesthedoctoranddentistappointmentsandpaysthebillsandthetaxes,andIhavesolittletogivebacktoyou.
Tobehonest,itwasn'tuntilrecentlythatIbegantobeawareofhowmuchworkithasbeen,andstillis,toraiseme.
IrememberwhenIwasyoungerbeingfrustratedwhenItriedtohaveconversationswithyouwhileyouwereworking.
Iwouldwalkintotheoffice,trytoclamberontoyourlap,andstarttotellyouajoke-"Mommy,knockknockKnockknockYou'resupposedtosay'who'sthere!
'"youwouldcontinuetypingintoyourExcelspreadsheetsandtellmetogofinishmyhomework.
Rejected,Iwouldslinkaway.
Sometimes,asakid,Ifeltlikeyoudidn'tloveme.
Youdidn'tcomplimentmewhenIcamebackwithanartprojectfromschoolorcallmesweetiepieandprincess,likeIthoughtaMommydid.
DidIunderstandthatyoushowedyourloveindifferentwaysDidIunderstandthatmakingmeworkhardwasyourloveformeinhopesthatIwouldbesuccessfullaterinlifeNo.
Yoursignalsoflovewerelostintranslation.
Iworrythatmyloveforyouhasbeenlostintranslationtoo.
Youalwayssaidjustmebeingyourdaughter,andhappy,wasenough.
ButIfeelsoinsufficient,sodisappointing,sometimes.
Iwishtherewasawaytogivebacktoyou,foralltheworkthatyouhavedone.
ButwhatcanIdoGiveyouMother'sDaycardseveryyear.
Buyyouthousandsofsunflowerseeds,whichyoueatlikeabirdbeforewinter.
Getahigh-payingjobandgiveyoutrillionsofdollarsayear,paybackallthemoneyyouspentonme.
Butitwasn'tjustmoney,itwastime,andhowcanIgiveyoutimeIloveyou,我爱你.
Wehavephonecallseverydaynow,megivingheralittlesummaryofmydayatschoolasIamathomeworkingonhomeworkandwhensheisworkinginherlab.
Imissyou,我快到家.
十分钟.
IwouldlearntosayIloveyouineverylanguagethereisonEarth,SwahiliorFrenchorbinaryeven,andIwouldpayyoubackdollarfordollareveryamountthatyoupouredintome,andIwouldtravelfromanotheruniversebackforyou.
ButIcan't,andIwishIcould.
Asakid,Ilovedyouasthepersonwhogavemefoodanddrovemeandgavemehugsandkisses.
ButdidIknowmuchaboutyouNow,IknowthatyouiceskatedasakidinChina,thatyoucouldn'tattendschoolforaperiodoftime,thatyoulovebabiesandlittlekidsandyoudon'tlikewolvesorbigdogs.
I'mstartingtoknowyouasmorethanjustthepersonthatkeepsmealiveandhappy,andIamexcitedtostartanewkindofrelationshipofmotheranddaughter,asIgrowolderandlearnmoreabouttheworld.
Everlastingloveanddedicationfromyourdaughter.
Butwhat'sthetopicofthisagainDoyouhavesomethingyouwishyourparentswouldunderstand.
Parents,asinplural.
So.
HereIgo:Alettertomy[Ihaven'tdecidedwhattocallyouyet]:FatherDad爸爸WhatshouldIaddressyouasWhatwouldyouprefertobecalledIguessIshouldtellyouaboutme.
I'm14now,turning15soon,andI'mstartinghighschoolandIeatsleevesofcrackersandsometimesIwishIwasacat.
Orabird.
IwishIhadapet,becausemaybeifIhadapet,Iwouldfeellessalone.
Lonelinessisanoldchildhoodfriendofmine.
WehungoutlesswhenIwaslittle.
WhenIwaslittle,itwasme,Mommy,and哥哥.
Just哥哥,andneverBrother.
Brother,inEnglish,itdidn'tfeelright.
The哥哥thatIhaddidn'tmatchwiththeimageoftheBrotherIimagined.
哥哥didn'tteachmetorideabikeorswingmeontheswingsetorfightwithmeendlessly;buthedidgivemepresentseveryyear,andtaughtmemath.
Andasforgrandparents,Iwouldgotovisit奶奶sometimesinChina.
Once,inthehospital,Idancedforher.
Butyouaredifferent,sodifferent,becauseIhaveneverseenyou,orheardofyoumuchatall.
WhatdoIknowaboutyouYouaremyfather/papa/dad/爸爸.
YouleftwhenIwaslittle.
MaybebeforeIwasborn.
You'reaprofessorattheLouisianaStateUniversity.
Ithink.
Maybeyou'vemovedIdon'tknowhowtoapproachyou.
Wehavemissedsomuch.
DoImissyouDoyoumissmeYousentmeemailsonce.
Ineverreplied.
Itconfusedme;whywouldyouleaveMomand哥哥andme,forover14years,anddecidetosendemailsbackonedayIwantyoutounderstandthatI'mnotmad,orangry,orresentful.
MylifegrowingupwithMomwasmorethanfulfilling,andIamsureyouhadyourownreasonsforleaving.
Maybeyoudiditforthebest.
ButIamalsoconfused,veryconfused,andnotquitereadyyettomeetyouortalktoyoudirectly.
WhenIamready,ifIameverready,IimagineIamgrownup,andIbookaplanetoflyovertoLouisiana.
Weeatdinneratarestaurantandyousay,Howmuchyou'vegrown,youaresosuccessful,Iamsoproudofyou,andmaybeyouevensayI'msorry.
Butatthesametime,Ifeelthisscenarioistooheartfelt,toostorybook,foraseperatedimmigrantfatherandAmericandaughter.
Itseemsliketherearetoomanydifferences.
Asciencefact:thestarsweseeinthenightsky,theirlighttakesyearstoreachus.
Evenatthespeedthatlighttravels,thestarsaresofaraway-thecloseststar'slightalonetakes4.
37yearstoreachus.
Forallweknow,itsshinecouldhavegoneoutyearsago.
Thefuelinitscoreburnedupfromheliumtoiron,andwewouldneverknowonEarthuntilmuchlater.
Youarelikeastarfarawayinthesky,andIamonEarth.
Butthequestionis,DoIwanttobetheastronaut