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103TheAuthor(s)2019M.
I.
Lien,J.
Lorentzen,Men'sExperiencesofViolenceinIntimateRelationships,PalgraveStudiesinVictimsandVictimology,https://doi.
org/10.
1007/978-3-030-03994-3_66MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuseAlthoughthefollowingextractsaretakenfrominterviewswithmenwhosoughthelpbecausetheyhadbeensubjectedtosexualabuse,itshouldbestressedthatnoabsoluteboundariescanbedrawnbetweenvariousformsofviolence.
Menwhoappearelsewhereinthisstudywhosoughtandobtainedhelpatothercrisiscentresforphysicalandpsychologicalvio-lencemayalsohaveexperiencedsexualabuse.
Itiscommonformenwhohavebeensubjectedtosexualviolencetobesubjectedtophysicalvio-lencetoo.
Whereinterviewmaterialshowedorindicatedpsychologicalviolenceorneglectofcare,thishasbeennoted.
Ahostofstudiesshowthatchildrenandyoungpeoplewhoarethevictimofonetraumaticeventareoftenthevictimoffurthersimilarevents,afacttermedpoly-victimisationintheresearch(Finkelhoretal.
2007).
Sinceresearchinrecentdecadeshasalsoshowntheprofoundpsycho-logicalconsequencesofpsychologicalviolenceandneglect—thatis,notonlyviolencewhichismanifestphysicallyandcanthereforecausephysi-caldamageandpain—wehavechosentoincludeevidenceofsuchexpe-rienceswheretheyareindicatedinourmaterial.
Mostofthemeninterviewedweremiddle-aged(between36and48years),withtheexceptionofoneyoungerman(28)andtwowhowere104over60.
Oursamplerepresentsarelativelybroadspectrumofmenwhohavedifferingcircumstancesinlifeandoccupation.
Somelivedalone,withorwithouttheirownchildren,orweredivorced.
Othersweremar-riedorlivedwithagirlfriend,withorwithouttheirownchildrenorstepchildren,orhadchildrenwhohadmovedout(andgrandchildren).
ToWhatKindofAbuseHaveTheseMenBeenSubjectedAstrikingnumberofthemeninterviewedherehadexperiencesthatdatedbacktotheirearlyteensorpre-datedpuberty(10–15years).
Inmanycasestheabusetookplaceforalimitedtimeatthisage;sometimesitcontinueduntilmuchlater.
Buttherearesomewhoweresubjectedtoabusefromanevenearlierage(4–12years,6–8years).
Inacoupleofcasestherearealsoexperiencesofrecurrentsexualabuseinadulthood,orinonecasewhatmaymorepreciselybedescribedasaformofsexualblackmailwhichwasexperiencedasoffensiveandpsychologicallydamaging.
Theextentoftheabusesufferedvariesgreatly,fromdiscreteepisodes(althoughsometimesonmorethanoneoccasion)toanumberoftimeswithinalimitedtimeframe,orregularlycommittedbythesameperpe-tratoroveraperiodofseveralyears.
Anumberofmenhavealsobeensubjectedtoabuseanumberoftimesbydifferentperpetrators.
Often,butfarfromalways,intervieweesalsoreportotherformsofviolenceduringchildhoodandadolescence.
Manyhaveexperienced,orwitnessed,frighteningphysicalviolence,orthreatsorbeensubjectedtopsychologicalviolence,orhaveexperiencedneglect.
Thelattercanalsobeseenasaformofviolencefromapsycho-developmentalandhumanexis-tentialperspective.
ThisdefinitionisincidentallyconsistentwiththatusedbySognandHjemdalinapreviousreportonviolenceagainstmeninintimaterelationships(SognandHjemdal2010).
Theperpetratorshavegenerallybeenfamilymembersorotherwiseclose,buttheirprofiledifferswidely:insomecasesfathersorstepfatherswereresponsiblefortheabuse(3),inothersanuncle(3),andfinallyneighboursoracquaintancesofoneoftheparents.
ThelattercategoryM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen105includesapostmanandascoutleader.
Many,butnotall,oftheperpetra-torsaremen.
Inonecasetheperpetratorisafemalefriendofthefather,inanotheraslightlyoldergirl.
Inthecaseofoneoftheinterviewees,anauntwasinpartresponsiblefortheabuse;whilenotabusinghernephewherself,shecontributedindirectlytothecreationofanabusivesituation.
Inanothercase,amother-in-lawsubjectedherson-in-lawtounwantedsexualactivityforyears.
Itshouldalsobenotedthatthemotherofoneoftheintervieweesfrequentlyhithimwhenhewasachild.
Anothermotherthreatenedhersonandhisbrotherswithviolencefromtheirfatherinhisabsence,andsupportedthephysicalpunishmentoftheboysinvariousways.
ExperiencesofViolenceinChildhoodSexualViolenceAllthosewhosestoriesaresummarisedandanalysedhereweresubjectedtosexualviolenceduringchildhoodand/oradolescence.
Herearesomeofthemen'sownstoriesabouttheirconcreteexperiences.
Bjarnar(48)was11yearsoldwhenheaccompaniedhisfather(acon-structionworker)onajobforamaninthevillage.
AtonepointBjarnarwasleftalonewiththisman,whothentookhimintotheforestbehindthehousewherehelived.
Therethe11-year-oldwasundressedandsub-jectedtooralandanalpenetration.
Themanwhoabusedhimsaidhe"wasasniceasalittlegirl".
Laterthiswasrepeatedjustoverhalfadozentimesbythesameperpetrator,whothreatenedtheboythatifhetoldsomeoneaboutwhathadhappened,hewouldbekilled.
Theuseofsuchthreatsisfoundinseveraloftheinterviewees'stories,andisoneoftheexplanationsoftheirkeepingquietabouttheirexperiences.
Terje(46)wasfirstassaultedsexuallyattheageof9,byaneighbourandacquaintanceofhismother.
Althoughthisonlyhappenedacoupleoftimes,andwaslimitedtoTerjebeingforcedtotouchtheman'sgenitals,itwasaterrifyingexperienceforonesoyoung.
Theperpetratoralsohadatendencytobephysicallyviolent,aswitnessedbyTerjeinothersitua-tions.
Later,whenhewas12,Terjewasagainsubjectedtoabuse,thistimeMenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse106morepersistentlyandforalongerperiodoftimebyanotherman.
ThismanalsolivedintheneighbourhoodandwasalsoacquaintedwithTerje'smother.
Theabuse,oftenoral,couldsometimesberepeatedseveraltimesonthesameday,andlastedoveraperiodofatleastsixmonths.
Kjartan(36)usedtospendtimewithhisuncle,whoworkedinanews-paperandsweetskioskintheevenings.
Kjartan'suncleallowedhimtohaveallthesweetshewanted.
Hisunclewasalsoataxidriverandusedtopickuphisnephewinhiscar.
Kjartansometimesstayedthenightatthehouseofhisuncle,whodrankheavilyandwatchedpornographicfilms.
Itwasonthesenightsthattheabusegenerallytookplace,althoughitsometimeshappenedduringtheday.
ThisabusestartedwhenKjartanwasonly4or5yearsoldandcontinueduntilhewas11or12,butwasatitsworstataboutthetimehestartedschool,aged7.
Thiscombinationofanabundanceofsweets,softdrinksorfood,offeredataperpetrator'shome,whilesimultaneouslywatchingpornmovies,isonethatturnsupinseveralofthemen'saccounts.
InthecaseofOdd(63),theperpetratorwasaformergirlfriendofhisfather.
Odd'smotherhaddiedwhenhewas10yearsoldandhegrewupalonewithhisfather.
However,thefatherwasunabletocareproperlyforhisson;indeed,hewasunabletoreallytakecareofhimself.
Hehadmany,moreorlesstemporary,relationshipswithvariouswomen.
Whenhisfatherwasnolongerinterestedinacertain"friend",herfocusshiftedontoOddinstead.
Shemadehimfoodandbathedhim,somethingnobodyelsewasdoing.
BathingOddgraduallyevolvedintoaformofsexualforeplay.
Aspartofthechild'sbath-timeritual,shemasturbatedhim"andusedmeinbedand…Ididthingswithherlike,yes,didwhatyoudo,yes,IwastoldtodothingsandIdidthem…".
ThislastedforseveralyearsuntilOddputastoptotheabusehimself.
RangeofViolence:CorporalPunishment,BullyingandPsychologicalViolenceAcouple,oratmostafew,ofthemenappeartohavegrownupinrela-tivelystableandsecureenvironments.
Nonetheless,therearesometimessignsthatmightsuggestthingswerenotquiteright.
BjarnargrewupinaM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen107seeminglysafeandnormalfamily,butwasexposedtosexualabuseout-sidethefamily,andwasnotlistenedtobyhisparentsorteacherswhenhecomplainedaboutthebullyinghewassufferinginschool.
Thiscontrib-utedtoBjarnarkeepingquietaboutthesexualabuse.
Kjartanexplainsthathisparentsbothhadgoodjobsandhavebeenmarriedforyears.
Inthatsense,hisfamilyhomewasstable.
YetbothKjartanandhistwobrothershaveallbecomedrugaddicts.
Anders(45)describesasecureupbringinginasmallcommunityinnorthernNorway.
Heexperiencednophysicalorsexualabusefromclosefamilymembers,butwasprobablyabusedbyanuncleinanothertown.
Atthesametime,therearesugges-tionsthatstronglanguagewasusedinthehomeandthathismother,exhaustedandmentallyunstable,wouldshamehimandinduceguiltinhimverbally.
Inthemajorityoftheothercases,thecircumstancesinwhichthesemengrewupweremoreobviouslyunstable,oftenwithinstancesofexplicitviolence.
Thewidevarietyofdifficultchildhoodexperiencesisillustratedbytheaccountofoneofthestudy'solderinterviewees,Odd.
Asachild,heexpe-riencedbothneglectandsexualabuse.
Inaddition,Odd'stimeatschoolwas,ashedescribesit,characterisedby"absolutelyterriblebullying".
Hismotherdiedwhenhewas10yearsoldandhisfathercouldnotgivethesonthecareheneeded.
NobodybathedOddorensuredhehadproperclothes,orcomfortedhimormademovestoensurethatthebullyinghewasexperiencinginschoolstopped.
Threeparticipantsdescribetheregularuseofcorporalpunishmentduringchildhood.
Slve(61)wassubjectedtoaformofpunishmentbyhisfatherthatcrossedtheboundarybetweenphysicalandsexualisedvio-lence.
WhenSlveoroneofhisbrothershaddonesomethingtoangertheirstrictlyreligiousandauthoritarianparents,theywereforcedtostripoffandgoandfetchthestickusedtopunishthem.
Theythenhadtogointothebathroom,wherewhicheverboywasbeingpunishedhadtolieonhisfather'sknee.
Beforethepunishmentwasexecuted,itwasannouncedhowmanystrokeshadbeengivenonthepreviousoccasion,towhichnumbertwoadditionalstrokeswereaddedforthepunishmentthatday.
Slvealsonoticedthathisfatherhadanerectionwhenhebeatthem,andtheharderhehitthem,thestrongerhiserectionbecame.
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse108Oddwasbeatenwithabeltbyhisfather.
"Hehitme…hewasamanwithhardhittingopinions…,".
Ola(46)wasalsooftenhitasasmallboy,butbyhismother.
Here,physicalpunishmentseemstohavebeenmoreimpulsiveandunpredictable.
Hismothercouldhithimwithouthimreallyunderstandingthereasonforit.
Inretrospect,hebelievesthathewassimplyunabletoliveuptoherexpectationsofhim,eitherinhisbehaviourorhisaptitude.
Atthesametime,Olahadnorealhelpfromherinunderstandingwhatwasrequiredofhim.
Therewas,hesays,alotofscreamingandemotionalabuse,oftenundertheinfluenceofalcohol,whichcouldwithoutwarningalsoturnintophysicalabuse.
Theinter-vieweedescribeshismotherasaguilt-tripper,erraticandpsychologicallyabsent.
WitnessingViolenceandSexualAbuseOlaalsodescribeshisgrandfather(onhismother'sside)who,althoughsheneveractuallybeathim,wasaheavydrinkerwholikedtofight.
Ola'sgrandfatherwasamanualworkerandextremelystrong.
ThemenwhomOla'smotherbroughthomeoftengotatasteofhisgrandfather'sfists.
Oladescribeshismotherasanarcissist:"Shewasalwaysdraggingmenbacktomygrandfather'sapartmentallthetime,andhe'dflingthemoutagain,andIwatchedon.
Thatwasmyfirst12yearsoflife.
"AlthoughOladescribeshavingpositivefeelingsforhisgrandfather,theseviolentepisodeshadadeepandnegativeimpactontheboy'smind.
Ononeoccasion,forexample,whenheandhisgrandfatherwerereturn-ingfromafood-shoppingtrip,theygotintoaheatedexchangewithsomeboysinthepark.
Thisendedwiththegrandfatherlashingoutatthemwithabottleoffruitsquash.
Later,whenOlawenttomixhimselfsomesquash,hediscoveredthattherewasbloodonthebottle.
Whenaskedhowtheseeventsaffectedhim,Olasaysthathewasalreadydissociatinghimselffrommostofhisunpleasantexperiences;thatis,hehaddevel-opedthetendencytoprotecthimselfandshutoffhisemotionallife.
Joar(28)reportsthathehasbeenconstantlysurroundedbyconflictandviolencesincechildhood.
Hesawhismotherbeatenbyhisfatherandwitnessedhisbrotherbeingsexuallyabusedbythefather,inadditiontoM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen109sufferingabusehimself.
Variousformsofsexual,physicalandpsychologi-calviolencewerearegularpartofhiseverydaylife.
Forexample,hisfatherwouldtakehistwosonsinthecarwhenhewasinebriatedanddrivearoundattopspeed,terrifyingthem.
Despitearelativelyearlydivorceandtheirrelocation,hisfatherrepeatedlyhuntedthefamilydownandcontinuedtoterrorisethem.
Unfortunately,thesituationdidnotimprovewitheitherofthetwonewmenwithwhomhismotherwentontohaverelationships,afterdivorcingJoar'sfatherandfinallymanag-ingtoescapehim.
Oneofthemenabusedtheyoungboyssexually,whiletheotherwasphysicallyandpsychologicallyviolent;amongotherthings,Joarwassubjectedtoforcedfeeding.
Theirmotherwasrapedwithinear-shotofthechildren.
Beingawitnesstoviolencecanbeveryfrighteningandhaveasimilartraumatisingeffecttobeingexposedtoviolenceoneself,somethingthatisstressedinDSM,theNorthAmericanpsychiatrydiagnosismanual.
Terjedescribesamanwhowasacquaintedwithhisfamilyduringhischildhood.
Althoughnooneinthefamilywasviolentthemselves,thismanwasaheavydrinkerwithaviolenttemper(hewasalsosexuallyabu-sivetowardsTerjeonacoupleofoccasions).
Theviolencedidnothappeninthefamilyhome,butwhentheyvisitedtheman'shouse.
Terjedescribesanincidentwhenthisman"gotintoanargumentwithsomemateofhis,whogotathoroughbeating,gottotallysmashedup.
Hewassuperstrongandliftedhismateupandthrewhimupontoafence.
"Naturally,thisexperiencewasveryfrighteningforthe9-year-oldboy.
Researchshowsvariousnegativeconsequencesofwitnessingviolence,aswellasacorrelationbetweenthisphenomenonandothermanifesta-tionsofviolence.
Amongotherthings,aclearconnectionhasbeendocu-mentedbetweentheexperienceofwitnessingviolenceandavulnerabilitytoviolence(MossigeandStefansen2016).
Childrensubjectedtoviolencebyparentsrunanincreasedriskofbeingsubjectedtoviolencebytheirpeers(MossigeandStefansen2007).
Witnessingand/orsufferingvio-lenceinthefamilyhomehasgraveconsequencesonchildren,sinceachild'shomeisthemainarenaforsecurityanddevelopment(ThoresenandHjemdal2014;BraarudandNordanger2011).
WHOreportshavealsoshownastronglinkbetweenparents'psychologicalfunctioning,stressandfamilystructure,andtheriskofchildabuse(Krug2002).
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse110Aspreviouslymentioned,theconceptofpoly-victimisation(Finkelhoretal.
2007)hasbeenusedinstudiestodescribethefactthatthosewhoare,forexample,subjectedtooneformofviolenceveryoftengoontoexperienceotherviolence.
Thisistrueofmostofthemeninthisstudy,andwewillnowlookinmoredetailatthesemen'sexperiencesofbullyingandneglect.
BullyingandNeglectLikemanyofthemeninterviewed,Terjewasbulliedasaboy:"fromthefirstdayofprimaryschooltohighschool.
Almostdaily.
Ihadtogothelongwaytogethomebecausepeopleusedtothrowstonesatme.
"Odddescribesongoingandpainfulbullyingatschool.
Heturnedtohisteacherforhelp,butwentunheard.
SoOddtookthematterinhisownhandsandarmedhimselfwithabicyclechain.
Whenhewascorneredbyhisclassmatesoneday,hetookoutthebicyclechainandlashedoutwithit.
Histeachersenthimtotheheadofschoolandthechainwasconfiscated.
Butfeelingthathehadnoonetosupporthimorthathecouldfeelatallsafe,Oddnowarmedhimselfwithaknife,whichhehidinhisboot.
Erlend(41)describeshowhisdivorcedmothermetanewmanwhenhewas12yearsold,whichmeantmovingtoanotherarea.
Butlifewasdifficult,andhewasharassedandbullied.
Erlenddescribesthisasalevelofhumiliationthatanadultmighthandle,butnotachild.
Amongotherthings,Erlendwasforcedtoactasachauffeurforhisstepfatherwhenhewasdrunk,despitebeingnomorethan13yearsold.
Afteronelongeve-ningdrivingthecar(illegally),theboywastooexhaustedtogoonandhisstepfathertookoverthewheel.
Beingdrunk,hesoondroveofftheroad,butblamedtheaccidentonErlend.
Morethanhalfofthemenintervieweddescriberecurrentbullyinginchildhoodandatschool.
Itwouldbereasonabletoaskifthisapparentlinkbetweenvulnerabilitytosexualabuseandearlybullyingisacoinci-dence,orpartlyaresultoftheinsecurebackgroundsfromwhichmostofourparticipantscome.
However,sinceourmaterialisneitherextensiveenoughnortakesthisissueasitsprimaryfocus,wecanonlypointtotheprevalenceofchildhoodbullyingintheaccountsgivenintheseinterviews.
M.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen111Nevertheless,anindicationthatsuchalinkmayexistappearsinresearchthatshowsthatchildrenwithambivalentattachmentissuesarefrequentlyimpulsiveandvulnerable,whichinturnoftenmakesthemsusceptibletobullying(Bunkholdt2000).
Terje'sownreflectionsonwhyhewasbulliedareworthquotinginthiscontext:Ifyoulooklikeavictim,peopletakeyouforavictim.
Ifyoudon'tlooklikeavictimyouhaveabetterchanceofbeingsafe.
Thatexperienceofbullyingatschool—theyusedtohitme.
Isatathomeandputdrawingpinsinmyclothessoiftheyhitmethey'dgethurt.
ButwheneverIhadthemontheundersideofmyarmsInevergotbeatup.
BecauseIwasn'tafraidofgettingbeatupthen.
Clearevidenceofchildhoodneglectemergesinseveralofthemen'saccounts,asalreadydiscussed,andmaybediscernedinsomeoftheotherinterviews.
Thedivorceofparentsandabuseofalcoholordrugsallfea-tureregularlyintheaccountsgivenbyourparticipants.
Severalhavegrownupwithoutacloserelationshipwithafather.
Acoupleofmen,ontheotherhand,havelosttheirmothersearlyorlostcontactwiththem.
Inthevastmajorityofcases,thesiblingsofthemeninterviewed(wherethereweresiblings)havehadsimilardifficultexperiences,withsimilarnegativeconsequences.
ConsequencesofSexualandOtherAbuseDuringChildhoodRegardlessofhowandwhentheabusetookplace,aswellasitsextentandprecisenature,ithashadprofoundandlastingconsequencesforalltheinterviewees.
Mostdramatically,Arne(38)describestheconsequencesoftheabusehewassubjectedtoasa12-year-oldasa"realbeforeandafter".
Hehadarelativelyharmoniousearlychildhood,buthisparentsgotdivorcedwhenhewas7yearsold.
Itwasfiveyearslater,whenArnewassexuallyabusedbyhisfootballcoach,thathislifetookadramaticturn:"afewmonthsafterthat,everythingthatwasgood[inmylife]cavedin.
It'scleartosee—yes,inmyrecordswithdoctorsandpolice,andwiththeMenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse112drugsandalcohol,andthereareseveralsuicideattemptsandmyadmis-sionintoapsychiatric[ward]whenIwas16.
"Describingtheconse-quencesofabuseinequallydramaticterms,Kjartansays"itdestroyedeverythinginmyfuture.
Mylife,myjob,myfamily,mydaughter,every-thing.
Mywholelife.
"InKjartan'scase,itappearstohavebeentheresur-facing,fiveorsixyearspriortotheinterview,ofpartiallysuppressedmemoriesandemotionsconnectedtothesexualabuseofhischildhoodwhichhadsuchadevastatingimpactonhim.
Althoughtherearehugevariationsinthesortsofpsychologicalimpacttheabusehadonthesemen,thekindsofrelationshipdifficultieswithwhichtheyhavesincestruggled,aswellastheextentanddurationoftheirsymptoms,theevidenceisclearthattheeffectsarepronouncedandpainful.
Symptomsinclude,forexample,intermittentorlastinginsom-nia,difficultieswithconcentrationandproblemswithanxiety,insomecasesverysevere.
ShameandGuiltLikeotherchildrenwhohavebeensubjectedtoabuseorviolenceorotherdestructivebehaviours,theintervieweeshavealsohadfeelingsofshameandguiltaboutwhattheyexperienced.
Thereactionofshameorthetak-ingonofresponsibilityforwhatothershavesubjectedonetomayseemstrange,butisaverycommonandwidespreadphenomenon,especiallyamongchildren.
Thelogicbehindthisappearstobethatsinceoneissubjectedtosuchappallingandnegativeexperiences,thefaultmustsomehowliewithoneself.
Thissimplisticlogicisalsooftenreinforcedbytheperpetratororthepunishingparent,whowillstatethistobeafact.
Forthosewhohavesufferedabuse,asenseofshameandguiltseemstobemoretherulethantheexception.
Accordingtostudiesby,amongothers,Mullenderetal.
(2002)andSteinsvg(2007),childrenwhogrowupwithviolenceinthefamilyexpe-rienceasenseofdisempowermentandfeelthattheworldisfundamen-tallyunpredictable.
Itisnotrareforthemtoassumeresponsibilityfortheviolenceandtoexperienceguiltbecausetheyfeeltheymusthavedonesomethingwrongtocauseit.
Thisaffectstheirself-imageandsenseofM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen113worth,andchildrenwiththistypeofexperienceoftendescribeapro-nouncedsenseofshame(Mullenderetal.
2002;Steinsvg2007).
Thisisalsoevidentinourmaterial.
Joar,inparticular,feelsguiltonbehalfofhismotherandsiblings—theywereallvictims—fornotdoingmoretoputanendtohisfather'sviolenceandabusewhenhehimselfwasonly13.
Joarprotestedandtriedtoputastoptotheviolence,buthassincethoughtheshouldhavedonemore.
Heevenfeelsshameabouttheearlyabusehehimselfwasforcedtoendure.
Terje,whodescribeshimselfasaveryshyandeasilyembarrassedchild,hadasenseofshameinhisteens,feelingsurethateveryonecouldseewhathehadbeensubjectedto(i.
e.
sexualassault)andthathewaslikeanopenbook.
Hedescribeshowhealmostalwayswentaboutwithdowncasteyesasateenager.
Accordingtoresearchinthefield,commonconsequencesofviolenceandabuseinchildhoodincludeproblemswithattachment,socialavoid-ance,sleepdisorders,problemswithconcentrationandaggression,aswellasanxiety(BraarudandNordanger2011;Gladetal.
2010).
Self-Esteem,AlcoholandDrugsAllthemenintervieweddescribehavinglowself-esteem.
Theyhaveall,intheirdifferentways,struggledwithasenseofneverbeinggoodenough.
Eventhosemeninourstudywhoweresubjectedtopartnerviolencedescribeexperiencingasenseofinadequacyandfeelingsofworthlessness.
Themajorityofmen,althoughnotall,whohavebeensubjectedtosexualabusehavealsousedalcohol,analgesics,anabolicsteroids,cannabisand/orotherdrugstodealwiththeirsenseofworthlessnessandotherdifficultemotionalissues.
Inmanycasestheywerealreadysurroundedbyalcohol,andoccasionallyevendrugs,astheygrewup.
OneofErlend'searliestmemoriesisofsittingontopofthefreezerdrinkingbeerwhilehisfathertalkedonthephone.
Hisfatherpermittedthis.
Erlend'sdevelopmentalenvironmentwasdominatedbyregularpar-tyingandalcohol.
Hewasonly4or5yearsoldthefirsttimehegotdrunkataparty.
Thelittleboywassodrunkthathecouldnolongerwalkstraight,butstaggeredaroundandfellover.
EverybodyatthepartyMenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse114laughedandfoundthisfunny.
Althoughthiscaseisextreme,theeasyavailabilityandpresenceofalcohol(sometimesevendrugs)seemextremelycommoninthesemen'sbackgrounds.
Theabuseofvarioussubstances,withastimulatingorsedativeeffect,issomethingthatisalsofoundlaterinthesemen'slives,forshorterorlongerperiods.
Atveryleastweseetheuseofalcoholincertainsituationsinordertocopewithinsecurityandanxiety(forexample,inlargersocialsituations).
Arnedescribeshowhestarteddrinkingregularlyaftersuffer-ingabuseasa12-year-old.
Bytheageof16hehadprobablyalreadybeenheldinpolicecellstentimesforbeingdrunk.
Whenhewas21yearsoldhebecamealong-termdrugabuser.
Erlendfollowedasimilardrugabusecareer,consumingalcoholfromtheageof15onwards.
Afterafewyearshewasalsousinghash,amphetamines,cocaineandotherdrugs("Itriedeverything").
Fortunately,hesucceededingivingupthesedrugsattheageof29.
Kjartanexplainsthathestartedgettingdrunkwhenhewasonly12or13.
Now,despitehavingreceivedtreatmentfordruguse,hestill,attheageof36,strugglesnottofallbackintohisoldhabits.
Althoughthemajorityofthetenmeninterviewedhaveabusedalco-hol/drugsforlongerorshorterperiods,itshouldbenotedthatsomehavenot,orthattheiruseofalcoholhasbeenatanormalandsociallyaccept-ablelevel.
Thereareothermeninourstudywhoalsodisplaytheten-dency—albeitnotasaccentuatedorprominent—todrinkinordertoeasethepainandavoiddistressingthoughts.
SocialConsequencesBeingthevictimofviolenceandabuseearlyinlifeoftencausesvarioussociallimitationsinthefuture.
Accordingtocontemporarypsychologicalresearchconcerningattachment(Bowlby1994;Wennerberg2010),aswellaspsychoanalyticstudiesofthesignificanceofrelationships(Stern1995;Mitchel1988)andresearchontraumainvariousfieldsincludingneurology(Scaer2001;Scaer2005;Gerge2010;vanderKolk2014),wenowknowagreatdealabouttheimpactofachild'searlyrelationshipswiththeirparentsandotherclosecaregiversontheirrelationshipsinadulthood(Bunkholdt2000).
M.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen115Justasthereisanincreasedriskofpsychologicalproblemsforachildwhosufferssexualabuse,violence,bullying,harassmentorneglect,thereisalsoanincreasedriskthatthechild'sfuturesocialrelationshipswillbeadverselyaffected.
Ouradultrelationshipstendtoreflectourprimary,emotionallysignificantrelationships,particularlywithclosecaregivers.
Itisnotthat,inanover-determinedway,laterrelationshipstakeonpre-ciselythesamepatternasourveryfirstsocialexperiences,butthereisoftenalink.
Theadultrelationshipsofthemeninterviewedhaveoftenbeeninflu-encedbytheabuseandotherformsofviolenceandneglecttheyhaveexperiencedinchildhood,albeitinvaryingways:difficultyintrustingotherpeople(whichisheightenedifthesepeopleresembletheperpetra-torsoftheabuseorareofthesamegender)isbothstrikingandcommon.
Difficultieswithcloseandintimaterelationshipsinparticulararearecur-ringtheme,aswellasamarkeduneaseinvarioussocialsituations.
Arnesays,forexample,thathehasmanyacquaintancesbutfewrealfriends,andthathenowhasjustonereallygoodfriend.
Beyondthat,Arnedescribesfriendsandfamilyasabitofa"fantasy".
Erlend'sstatementisverytelling:"Ididn'tletanyonein.
Ihadsuchhighwalls.
Noonewasallowedin,Ishutdownmyfeelings.
"Somemenwhoasboyswereabusedbymenmaynowhaveverydiffi-cultrelationshipswithmeninparticular.
Bjarnardescribesthis:Well,it'sprobablythisthingoftrustingpeople,especiallymen.
Ididn'thavetoomanyfriendsbackthen…thematesIhavetoday,ofcourse,Imettheminchildhood,butI'veprobablyburnedlotsofbridgesandkeptpeopleatbay.
…Interviewer:IsiteasierwithwomenProbably,notconsciously,butunconsciously,yes.
Ifeelthatit'seasiertotrustwomenthanmen.
Ihavemorefemalefriendsthanmale.
Inareverseexample,Oddwhowassubjectedinchildhoodtoabusebyawoman,sayshehasalwaysbeenafraidofwomenandhasdifficultyrelat-ingtothem.
Hisexperienceswithgirlsasateenagerwerealsobad.
Oddalsosuggeststhathissocialrelationshipsingeneralarenotaltogethereasy:"decentpeopledon'twantnothingtodowithme".
Hethinkshesendsoutsignalsto,andisalsodrawnto,those"whoarefarfrombeingGod'schosen.
"MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse116Thepatternsthatemergearenotentirelyunambiguous,however.
Joarexplainsthatdespitehisbeingsubjectedtoabusebyhisbiologicalfatherandotherformsofviolencebyhistwostepfathers,itisprimarilyinhisrelationshipstofemalepartnersthatheexperiencesdifficulties.
Terjealsodescribesalifemarkedbyloneliness:throughoutchildhoodandadulthoodhehasbeenintenselylonelyandhasfewfriends.
Hehasneverhadagirlfriendorlivedwithanyone.
Oneofthemenwhoabusedhiminchildhoodhadsaidrepeatedlywhileabusinghimthatthiswassomethingpeopledidwhenthey"feltaffectionforeachother".
BecauseTerje'sexperiencewassofrightening,lovingorlikinganotherpersonseemedequaltosubjectingthemtoabuse.
Theconsequencewasagener-alisedfearofemotionalclosenessandphysicalintimacy.
Sexualabuseoftenoccurswithinparticularkindsofsocialcontext,frequentlywithindysfunctionalfamiliesandcommunities.
However,oneshouldnotbetooquicktoconcludethatallthesemenbelongtoonesocialgroup.
Aswaspointedoutbythedirectorofoneofthecentreswithwhichwecollaborated,whatthemenwhoseekhelphaveincommonisthattheyhavesufferedperiodicillhealthand/ormentalillness,aswellasothernegativeconsequencesoftheabusetowhichtheybeenvictim.
But,accordingtothedirector,theyarenotillintheusualsense.
TheyhavePTSDandhavegrownupinsituationsthatarecharacterisedbyneglectofcare.
Severalofthemenhaveobviouslygrownupinunstableandsome-timesbrokenfamilies.
Aclearindicatorofthisisthatsomanyofthemmentionsiblingswhohavealsobeenabusedandhaveexperiencedsimilardifficulties,orhavestruggledwithvariousmentalhealthproblems.
Joarwitnessedhisbrotherbeingsexuallyabusedbyafamilymember.
Hisbrotherwas10beforehebegantospeak.
Terjehasonebrotherandtwosisters;onewasdiagnosedasbipolar,theothercommittedsuicidefiveyearsago.
HisbrotherhasalsosoughthelpatthesamecentreforsexualabuseasTerjehas.
Erlend'ssiblingstoohavehadsevereproblems.
AlthoughErlendstoppedhisheavyabuseofdrugsyearsagoandhassincestartedtoputhislifeinorder,hisolderbrother'sliferemainshamperedbydrugabuseandheisdependentonhelpfromsocialservices.
InthecaseofKjartan,theextentofthesiblings'sharedsociallegacyisevenmorepronounced:outoffourchildren,threebrothersarenowdrugM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen117addicts.
Nevertheless,severalotheroftheintervieweesareclearlyfrommorestablefamilies.
Aclearindicatorofthenegativesocialimpacthereistheemotionaldistancefromothersandtheoccasionalself-imposedisolationcommontomanytraumavictims—whethertraumatisedinchildhoodoradult-hood.
WarveteransandothersdiagnosedwithPTSD,orthosewhosuf-ferfromothermentalillnessesduetotraumaticevents,oftenchoosetoliveinisolatedplaces,separatethemselvesofffromothersorexhibitothersocialproblems(Ruzeketal.
2004;seealsoScaer2005,FigleyandNash2007;Tick2005).
Thisisalsoevidentinourmaterial,withseveralofthemenshowingatendencytoisolatethemselves,toretreatortoavoidcer-tainsocialsituationsoractivities.
Or,asSlvedescribesit,hefeelsfineataconferencewhilethefocusispurelyonwork:…butintheeveningsIgivethesocialisingamiss.
BecausethenI'mcompletelylost,Idon'tknowwhattodo,soImightjustaswellsitaloneinmyroomratherthansittingdowntherealone.
Researcher:DoyoufeeldistantoralienatedtootherpeopleYes,Iget—Idon'tfindit'seasytosussoutwhetherpeoplelikemeornot.
ThenIgetsuspicious.
NaturallyI'vedevelopedaverywell-functioningradarforpeopleIshouldavoidandpeopleIshouldmixwith….
InawayIcanspotthemfromafar.
ButatthesametimeIcanseethatmybarriers,mycomfortzone—I'vebuiltupbarrierssoastofeelsecure.
Andeverythingthat'sbetweenthereandthere—IloseoutonbecauseIdisplay—Igetevasive,insteadofforth-coming,peoplegiveuponme,Iwithdraw.
Aswehaveseen,thelivesofthesemenareaffectedanddictatedinadult-hoodinmanywaysbytheviolentexperiencestheyhavehadaschildren.
Inadditiontoproblemswithanxiety,guilt,shameandotherdifficultemotions,manyhaveexperiencedproblemswithalcoholanddrugs.
Poorself-esteemseemstobetheruleratherthantheexceptionandoftenhasnegativeandrestrictiveeffectsonthesemen'ssocialrelationships,albeittovaryingdegrees.
Occasionallyoneglimpsesanevenmoretangiblelinkbetweenpainfulchildhoodexperiencesandsimilarexperiencesinadulthood.
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse118EarlyVulnerability—IncreasedRiskofDestructiveRelationshipsinAdulthoodOnequestionraisedbytheseinterviewsiswhethertheremightbeacon-nectionbetweenearlyexposuretoviolenceandsexualabuse,puttingthesemenatgreaterriskthanothersofendingupinsimilarsituationsagaininadulthood.
TheconceptofreenactmentisveryfamiliarandhasbeendiscussedinpsychotherapeuticliteraturesinceFreud'stime,receiv-ingrenewedinterestinthecontemporaryliteratureontrauma.
Thereisatendencyinthosewhohavesufferedtraumatorepeatverypainfulexperi-encesoverandoveragain,puttingthemselvesinharm'sway,despitetheseeminglyillogicalanddestructivenatureofsuchbehaviour(Scaer2005;ThoresenandHjemdal2014).
Whileourmaterialislimited,someofthemoreinterestingexamplesareworthamentionheretothrowlightonthissubject.
Joarhasbeensubjectedtoagreatdealofpsychologicalandevenphysi-calviolenceasanadult,including,ononeoccasion,beingstabbedbyhisformerpartner.
Inhisownwords:"BecauseIconsistentlygoaftergirlswhodon'tfeelgoodaboutthemselvesandthenIthink:OK,nowIcanhelpyoufixthingssoyoucanhaveabetterlife.
"Hislastrelationship(mentionedearlier)eventuallybecamesodestructivethatJoarlostanyinterestinlifeanddevelopedsuicidalthoughts.
Joarbelievesthatthissituation,whichhedideventuallygetoutof,cameaboutbecauseheallowshimselftobeoppressedbywomentooeasily,somethinghewouldneverallowamantodo.
JoarreflectsonthefactthathismotherwasabusedbyafamilymemberasachildandwentontochoosemenwhointheirturnsubjectedJoarandhisbrothertoabuse.
Hesays:"Ichoosewomenwhoarenogood,don'tI,Icontinueonthesamepath.
"Odd,whowassubjectedinchildhoodtosexualabusebyanadultwoman,hasbeenrepeatedlysexuallyharassedbyhismother-in-law,whoexposedherselftohimandmadeunwantedsexualadvances,despitehisaskinghertoleavehimalone("It'sbeenahellforme").
Atthetimeofhisinterview,Oddhasbrokenallcontactwithhismother-in-lawforsomeyearsandrefusestomeether.
Asoutlinedearlier,hisrelationshipsespe-ciallytowomeninvolveahighleveloffear,althoughheexperiencessocialrelationshipsingeneralasacomplexarea.
Symptomatically,Oddliveswithhispartnerinhiscountrycabin.
M.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen119Erlendreflectsonthelackofboundariesprevalentintheenvironmentinwhichhegrewup,whichwasexpressedmostdrasticallyperhapsinthesexualabusetowhichhewassubjectedasachild.
Erlendwasintroducedtoinappropriateattitudestosex,whichhebelievesaffectedhissexualityasanadult,sothatforaverylongtimehissexualitywasdisconnectedfromanyemotion—hewasobsessiveyettotallyindifferent.
Evenwhen,earlyon,hewasinalong-term,stablerelationshipwithawoman,hehadcasualsexwithotherwomen.
Erlenddescribeshowafewyearspriortohisinterview,hehadbeenlockedinathreesomewithacoupleheknew.
Tohisownsurprise,Erlendgotinvolvedinasexualactwiththewomantogetherwithherveryproactiveboyfriend,withouthavingreallyunder-stoodwhereitwasgoing.
Hedescribesaparticularsexualactwhichtheothermancarriedoutonthewomaninhispresenceasbothbrutalandunpleasant,despitethewomanhavingconsentedtotheact.
AfterwardsErlendfeltastrongdisgustandthathehadsomehowbeenabusedagain.
Hereflectsonhisinabilitytosaynointhissituation:"thatpsychologicalbindyougetinto"isconnectedtochildhoodabuse.
Inactualfacthehadnodesiretoparticipate,butstillallowedhimselftobedrawnintothissexualsituation.
Slvedescribesacomplicatedandincreasinglytroublingsexualrela-tionshiphehadwithafemalecolleagueforaperiodoftime.
Inretrospect,hedescribesthisintermsofhishavingbeensubjectedtoabuse,endingupinthewoman'sclawsandunabletoleavetherelationship.
Hesays:"Becausesheplayedonthesamestringsasmymother,soIwasinarela-tionshipagainstmywilloranabusivesituationwithherfortwoyears.
"EventuallythesituationgotoutofcontrolandnearlypushedSlvetosuicide.
Itwasonlythankstothehelphereceivedfromthecrisiscentrethathewasabletoescapethisdestructiverelationshipandmoveon.
Avoidance,Hyper-VigilanceandOtherReactionstoTraumaOtherspecificdifficultiesthatindividualintervieweeshavehad,whichcanbedirectlylinkedtothesexualabusetheysufferedinchildhood,includedifficultiesineatingcertainfoods,compulsivewashingorrecur-ringnightmaresaboutpastevents.
AlltheseresponsescanbeseenasMenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse120indicatorsoftraumatisation,andintheinstancesdescribedabovethisisclearlythecase.
Thekindsofsituationoractivitythatothermeninourstudyhaveavoidedforsimilarreasons—becausetheyinvolvephysicalcontactorexposurewhichcanbeassociatedwiththeirexperiencesofabuse—mayincludefootball,gymnastics,bathinginpublicswimmingpoolsorintimatehygieneforothers(e.
g.
throughtheirwork)orforthemselves(e.
g.
dentist).
Somemenindicatethattheabusemeantthattheyalsodevelopedanexcessiveneedforcontrol;thatis,"hyper-vigilance".
Thelatterinvolvesanalmostconstantvigilanceandexcessivealertnesstopotentialdangerinone'ssurroundings.
Formermembersofthemilitary,forexample,whohavespentlongperiodsinwarzoneswheretheyhavebeenobligedtopaycloseattentiontohostileactivitiesandmovements,candevelophyper-vigilance.
However,traumatisedpeoplewhohavebeensubjectedtoprolongedpsychologicalorphysicalabusemayexhibitsimilarsymptoms,evenwhentheyarenolongerinasitua-tionwheretheyareexposedtosuchdangers.
Hyper-vigilancemeansthatthecentralnervoussystemofthesuffererisoveractive,aformofstresswhichisconstantlyswitchedon(FigleyandNash2007,50ff;Scaer2001,pp.
79,86,99).
Inseveralcases,theintervieweesdescribeencounterswithsomeonewholookedliketheirabuser,triggeringapowerfulsenseofunease.
Terje,whorecentlyencounteredaflasherataparty,wassostronglyremindedofhischildhoodabuserandsooverwhelmedthatheblackedout.
Hewokeupinthehospital,butblackedoutagainwhenhewasleaving.
WhenTerjeactuallyencounteredhischildhoodattackerinashop,itwas,hesays,asthoughtheentireroomfroze,fromfloortoceiling,andasthougheverythingclosedinonhim,"likeafog".
Terjequicklyexitedthestore,terrifiedofmeetingthemanfacetoface.
Ola,whosufferedasachildfromneglect,repeatedphysicalviolenceandwasalsosubjectedtosexualabuse,saidhelearnedtodissociateearly.
AlthoughOlahasoccasionallyhadunpleasantmemoriesandflashbacks,hehasnotexperiencedmuchanxietyoranystrongsenseofdiscomfort.
Instead,theabusehasgeneratedaninternalflightmechanisminhim,atendencytoconsciouslyremovehimselfmentally.
Alreadyasachild,therefore,Olabecamefearlessandarisk-taker.
Andwhenhewaswithfriendshegotakickoutofchallengingsecurityguardsandotheradults,M.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen121forinstancebyclimbingoverroofsorgettingthemtochasehim.
Hispropensityforrisk-takingeventuallyledOlatoasuccessfulmilitarycareerandlateracriminalcareer.
Terjeimaginedthathewassomeoneelsewhenhewassubjectedtoabuse.
Hesaysthatbyobliteratinghisownself,thepaindiminished.
Joarsaysthatheisverycapableof"closingmyselfoffcompletelyanddoingnothingandjuststaringstraightaheadofme".
Askedifthisislikehavingtunnelvision,heconfirmsthatthisiscorrect.
Erlendsaysthathewasnotreallytroubledbyanxietyorpainfulmemoriesorimages,ratherthattheywere"shutdownandlockedaway".
Hehaddonethesamewiththesexualabuseashenowdidwithanyunpleasantexperience:"I'donlydonewhatIdidwitheverything,putitbehindmeandforgotit,wedon'ttalkaboutitanymore,soitdidn'thappen.
"Kjartanalsomanagedforalongtimetosuppresstheextensivesexualabusetowhichhehadbeenexposedfromearlychildhoodtopuberty.
Butlater,whenhissuppressedmemoriessuddenlyreturnedtohiminadulthood,hehadasubstantialcrisis,duringwhichhesufferedsevereanxietyandpanicattacks.
AlloftheabovereactionsandsymptomsdescribedbyourintervieweesarepossiblesymptomsofPTSD.
Whilethismaynotbetheexplanationforallofthem,andtheymayinsteadbelinkedtootherconditions,itshouldbenotedthatsomeofthemenhavebeendiagnosedwithPTSD.
SuicidalThoughtsAccordingtostudiesinvestigatingthelinkbetweenexposuretotraumaorneglectinchildhoodandvariousformsofillhealthinadulthood,sui-cideandsuicideattemptsareconsiderablymorecommonintheexposedgroupthaninanormalsampleofthepopulation(Felittietal.
1998).
Inameta-analysisofavailableresearchontheconsequencesofsexualabuse,Paoluccietal.
(2001)foundthatsexualabuseinchildhoodoradoles-cenceresultsinasignificantriskofsuicide.
StudiesofPTSDshowthesame.
AstarkillustrationofthiscomesfromUSwarveterans.
InrecentyearsduringwhichtheUSArmyhadalarge,activepresenceinAfghanistanandIraq,moresoldierswerelostthroughsuicidethandiedinbattle.
Thesedeathsoftenhappenafterthesoldiershaveleftthebattlezone,sometimeslongaftertheiractualmilitaryservice.
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse122Asimilarvulnerabilitycausedbychildhoodexperiencesisalsoseenamongourinterviewees.
Suicidalthoughtshavebeenfoundinthemajor-ityofthem,whetherthesehavebeenconstantlypresentoronlyforshorterperiods.
Althoughnotallofthetenmenreportrecurrentorperi-odicthoughtsoftakingtheirlives,thefrequentoccurrenceofthisinthematerialsayssomethingabouttheseverityofthesufferingthatabusedmencarrywiththem.
Erlendwasonly16yearsoldwhenhefirstthoughtthathemightjustaswelldie,becausehefelthehad"nopurpose"inlife.
Joarsayswithreferencetohispoorself-esteemandlackofself-confidencethathesome-timeshadhugedoubtsaboutthemeaningoflife:"soIcanjustgoandjumpintothesea,simple".
Odd,too,describeshissenseoffailureasleadingtosimilarthoughtpatterns.
Sometimes,whenhewasdrivingacarandcametowardsalorry,hewouldthinkthatitwouldbebetterifitdrovestraightintohim,aslongasitwasoverquickly.
Hedescribeshowatsuchmomentshewouldjustthink:"comeon,comeon!
"Insteadofbraking,hewouldputhisfootontheaccelerator.
ForperiodsoftimeOddhasseriouslycontemplatedandevenmadedetailedplanstotakehisownlife,buthasneverbeenabletogothroughwithit.
Kjartansufferedaseverementalbreakdownfiveyearsbeforetheinter-view.
Thememoryoftheabuse,whichhadpreviouslygonefromhismind,suddenlyresurfacedwithaccompanyingemotionsandleavinghimunabletosleep.
Kjartaneventuallyattemptedtokillhimself,animpulsewhichhasoccasionallyreturnedsince.
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Lorentzen125OpenAccessThischapterislicensedunderthetermsoftheCreativeCommonsAttribution4.
0InternationalLicense(http://creativecommons.
org/licenses/by/4.
0/),whichpermitsuse,sharing,adaptation,distributionandreproductioninanymediumorformat,aslongasyougiveappropriatecredittotheoriginalauthor(s)andthesource,providealinktotheCreativeCommonslicenceandindicateifchangesweremade.
Theimagesorotherthirdpartymaterialinthischapterareincludedinthechapter'sCreativeCommonslicence,unlessindicatedotherwiseinacreditlinetothematerial.
Ifmaterialisnotincludedinthechapter'sCreativeCommonslicenceandyourintendeduseisnotpermittedbystatutoryregulationorexceedsthepermitteduse,youwillneedtoobtainpermissiondirectlyfromthecopy-rightholder.
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse
I.
Lien,J.
Lorentzen,Men'sExperiencesofViolenceinIntimateRelationships,PalgraveStudiesinVictimsandVictimology,https://doi.
org/10.
1007/978-3-030-03994-3_66MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuseAlthoughthefollowingextractsaretakenfrominterviewswithmenwhosoughthelpbecausetheyhadbeensubjectedtosexualabuse,itshouldbestressedthatnoabsoluteboundariescanbedrawnbetweenvariousformsofviolence.
Menwhoappearelsewhereinthisstudywhosoughtandobtainedhelpatothercrisiscentresforphysicalandpsychologicalvio-lencemayalsohaveexperiencedsexualabuse.
Itiscommonformenwhohavebeensubjectedtosexualviolencetobesubjectedtophysicalvio-lencetoo.
Whereinterviewmaterialshowedorindicatedpsychologicalviolenceorneglectofcare,thishasbeennoted.
Ahostofstudiesshowthatchildrenandyoungpeoplewhoarethevictimofonetraumaticeventareoftenthevictimoffurthersimilarevents,afacttermedpoly-victimisationintheresearch(Finkelhoretal.
2007).
Sinceresearchinrecentdecadeshasalsoshowntheprofoundpsycho-logicalconsequencesofpsychologicalviolenceandneglect—thatis,notonlyviolencewhichismanifestphysicallyandcanthereforecausephysi-caldamageandpain—wehavechosentoincludeevidenceofsuchexpe-rienceswheretheyareindicatedinourmaterial.
Mostofthemeninterviewedweremiddle-aged(between36and48years),withtheexceptionofoneyoungerman(28)andtwowhowere104over60.
Oursamplerepresentsarelativelybroadspectrumofmenwhohavedifferingcircumstancesinlifeandoccupation.
Somelivedalone,withorwithouttheirownchildren,orweredivorced.
Othersweremar-riedorlivedwithagirlfriend,withorwithouttheirownchildrenorstepchildren,orhadchildrenwhohadmovedout(andgrandchildren).
ToWhatKindofAbuseHaveTheseMenBeenSubjectedAstrikingnumberofthemeninterviewedherehadexperiencesthatdatedbacktotheirearlyteensorpre-datedpuberty(10–15years).
Inmanycasestheabusetookplaceforalimitedtimeatthisage;sometimesitcontinueduntilmuchlater.
Buttherearesomewhoweresubjectedtoabusefromanevenearlierage(4–12years,6–8years).
Inacoupleofcasestherearealsoexperiencesofrecurrentsexualabuseinadulthood,orinonecasewhatmaymorepreciselybedescribedasaformofsexualblackmailwhichwasexperiencedasoffensiveandpsychologicallydamaging.
Theextentoftheabusesufferedvariesgreatly,fromdiscreteepisodes(althoughsometimesonmorethanoneoccasion)toanumberoftimeswithinalimitedtimeframe,orregularlycommittedbythesameperpe-tratoroveraperiodofseveralyears.
Anumberofmenhavealsobeensubjectedtoabuseanumberoftimesbydifferentperpetrators.
Often,butfarfromalways,intervieweesalsoreportotherformsofviolenceduringchildhoodandadolescence.
Manyhaveexperienced,orwitnessed,frighteningphysicalviolence,orthreatsorbeensubjectedtopsychologicalviolence,orhaveexperiencedneglect.
Thelattercanalsobeseenasaformofviolencefromapsycho-developmentalandhumanexis-tentialperspective.
ThisdefinitionisincidentallyconsistentwiththatusedbySognandHjemdalinapreviousreportonviolenceagainstmeninintimaterelationships(SognandHjemdal2010).
Theperpetratorshavegenerallybeenfamilymembersorotherwiseclose,buttheirprofiledifferswidely:insomecasesfathersorstepfatherswereresponsiblefortheabuse(3),inothersanuncle(3),andfinallyneighboursoracquaintancesofoneoftheparents.
ThelattercategoryM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen105includesapostmanandascoutleader.
Many,butnotall,oftheperpetra-torsaremen.
Inonecasetheperpetratorisafemalefriendofthefather,inanotheraslightlyoldergirl.
Inthecaseofoneoftheinterviewees,anauntwasinpartresponsiblefortheabuse;whilenotabusinghernephewherself,shecontributedindirectlytothecreationofanabusivesituation.
Inanothercase,amother-in-lawsubjectedherson-in-lawtounwantedsexualactivityforyears.
Itshouldalsobenotedthatthemotherofoneoftheintervieweesfrequentlyhithimwhenhewasachild.
Anothermotherthreatenedhersonandhisbrotherswithviolencefromtheirfatherinhisabsence,andsupportedthephysicalpunishmentoftheboysinvariousways.
ExperiencesofViolenceinChildhoodSexualViolenceAllthosewhosestoriesaresummarisedandanalysedhereweresubjectedtosexualviolenceduringchildhoodand/oradolescence.
Herearesomeofthemen'sownstoriesabouttheirconcreteexperiences.
Bjarnar(48)was11yearsoldwhenheaccompaniedhisfather(acon-structionworker)onajobforamaninthevillage.
AtonepointBjarnarwasleftalonewiththisman,whothentookhimintotheforestbehindthehousewherehelived.
Therethe11-year-oldwasundressedandsub-jectedtooralandanalpenetration.
Themanwhoabusedhimsaidhe"wasasniceasalittlegirl".
Laterthiswasrepeatedjustoverhalfadozentimesbythesameperpetrator,whothreatenedtheboythatifhetoldsomeoneaboutwhathadhappened,hewouldbekilled.
Theuseofsuchthreatsisfoundinseveraloftheinterviewees'stories,andisoneoftheexplanationsoftheirkeepingquietabouttheirexperiences.
Terje(46)wasfirstassaultedsexuallyattheageof9,byaneighbourandacquaintanceofhismother.
Althoughthisonlyhappenedacoupleoftimes,andwaslimitedtoTerjebeingforcedtotouchtheman'sgenitals,itwasaterrifyingexperienceforonesoyoung.
Theperpetratoralsohadatendencytobephysicallyviolent,aswitnessedbyTerjeinothersitua-tions.
Later,whenhewas12,Terjewasagainsubjectedtoabuse,thistimeMenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse106morepersistentlyandforalongerperiodoftimebyanotherman.
ThismanalsolivedintheneighbourhoodandwasalsoacquaintedwithTerje'smother.
Theabuse,oftenoral,couldsometimesberepeatedseveraltimesonthesameday,andlastedoveraperiodofatleastsixmonths.
Kjartan(36)usedtospendtimewithhisuncle,whoworkedinanews-paperandsweetskioskintheevenings.
Kjartan'suncleallowedhimtohaveallthesweetshewanted.
Hisunclewasalsoataxidriverandusedtopickuphisnephewinhiscar.
Kjartansometimesstayedthenightatthehouseofhisuncle,whodrankheavilyandwatchedpornographicfilms.
Itwasonthesenightsthattheabusegenerallytookplace,althoughitsometimeshappenedduringtheday.
ThisabusestartedwhenKjartanwasonly4or5yearsoldandcontinueduntilhewas11or12,butwasatitsworstataboutthetimehestartedschool,aged7.
Thiscombinationofanabundanceofsweets,softdrinksorfood,offeredataperpetrator'shome,whilesimultaneouslywatchingpornmovies,isonethatturnsupinseveralofthemen'saccounts.
InthecaseofOdd(63),theperpetratorwasaformergirlfriendofhisfather.
Odd'smotherhaddiedwhenhewas10yearsoldandhegrewupalonewithhisfather.
However,thefatherwasunabletocareproperlyforhisson;indeed,hewasunabletoreallytakecareofhimself.
Hehadmany,moreorlesstemporary,relationshipswithvariouswomen.
Whenhisfatherwasnolongerinterestedinacertain"friend",herfocusshiftedontoOddinstead.
Shemadehimfoodandbathedhim,somethingnobodyelsewasdoing.
BathingOddgraduallyevolvedintoaformofsexualforeplay.
Aspartofthechild'sbath-timeritual,shemasturbatedhim"andusedmeinbedand…Ididthingswithherlike,yes,didwhatyoudo,yes,IwastoldtodothingsandIdidthem…".
ThislastedforseveralyearsuntilOddputastoptotheabusehimself.
RangeofViolence:CorporalPunishment,BullyingandPsychologicalViolenceAcouple,oratmostafew,ofthemenappeartohavegrownupinrela-tivelystableandsecureenvironments.
Nonetheless,therearesometimessignsthatmightsuggestthingswerenotquiteright.
BjarnargrewupinaM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen107seeminglysafeandnormalfamily,butwasexposedtosexualabuseout-sidethefamily,andwasnotlistenedtobyhisparentsorteacherswhenhecomplainedaboutthebullyinghewassufferinginschool.
Thiscontrib-utedtoBjarnarkeepingquietaboutthesexualabuse.
Kjartanexplainsthathisparentsbothhadgoodjobsandhavebeenmarriedforyears.
Inthatsense,hisfamilyhomewasstable.
YetbothKjartanandhistwobrothershaveallbecomedrugaddicts.
Anders(45)describesasecureupbringinginasmallcommunityinnorthernNorway.
Heexperiencednophysicalorsexualabusefromclosefamilymembers,butwasprobablyabusedbyanuncleinanothertown.
Atthesametime,therearesugges-tionsthatstronglanguagewasusedinthehomeandthathismother,exhaustedandmentallyunstable,wouldshamehimandinduceguiltinhimverbally.
Inthemajorityoftheothercases,thecircumstancesinwhichthesemengrewupweremoreobviouslyunstable,oftenwithinstancesofexplicitviolence.
Thewidevarietyofdifficultchildhoodexperiencesisillustratedbytheaccountofoneofthestudy'solderinterviewees,Odd.
Asachild,heexpe-riencedbothneglectandsexualabuse.
Inaddition,Odd'stimeatschoolwas,ashedescribesit,characterisedby"absolutelyterriblebullying".
Hismotherdiedwhenhewas10yearsoldandhisfathercouldnotgivethesonthecareheneeded.
NobodybathedOddorensuredhehadproperclothes,orcomfortedhimormademovestoensurethatthebullyinghewasexperiencinginschoolstopped.
Threeparticipantsdescribetheregularuseofcorporalpunishmentduringchildhood.
Slve(61)wassubjectedtoaformofpunishmentbyhisfatherthatcrossedtheboundarybetweenphysicalandsexualisedvio-lence.
WhenSlveoroneofhisbrothershaddonesomethingtoangertheirstrictlyreligiousandauthoritarianparents,theywereforcedtostripoffandgoandfetchthestickusedtopunishthem.
Theythenhadtogointothebathroom,wherewhicheverboywasbeingpunishedhadtolieonhisfather'sknee.
Beforethepunishmentwasexecuted,itwasannouncedhowmanystrokeshadbeengivenonthepreviousoccasion,towhichnumbertwoadditionalstrokeswereaddedforthepunishmentthatday.
Slvealsonoticedthathisfatherhadanerectionwhenhebeatthem,andtheharderhehitthem,thestrongerhiserectionbecame.
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse108Oddwasbeatenwithabeltbyhisfather.
"Hehitme…hewasamanwithhardhittingopinions…,".
Ola(46)wasalsooftenhitasasmallboy,butbyhismother.
Here,physicalpunishmentseemstohavebeenmoreimpulsiveandunpredictable.
Hismothercouldhithimwithouthimreallyunderstandingthereasonforit.
Inretrospect,hebelievesthathewassimplyunabletoliveuptoherexpectationsofhim,eitherinhisbehaviourorhisaptitude.
Atthesametime,Olahadnorealhelpfromherinunderstandingwhatwasrequiredofhim.
Therewas,hesays,alotofscreamingandemotionalabuse,oftenundertheinfluenceofalcohol,whichcouldwithoutwarningalsoturnintophysicalabuse.
Theinter-vieweedescribeshismotherasaguilt-tripper,erraticandpsychologicallyabsent.
WitnessingViolenceandSexualAbuseOlaalsodescribeshisgrandfather(onhismother'sside)who,althoughsheneveractuallybeathim,wasaheavydrinkerwholikedtofight.
Ola'sgrandfatherwasamanualworkerandextremelystrong.
ThemenwhomOla'smotherbroughthomeoftengotatasteofhisgrandfather'sfists.
Oladescribeshismotherasanarcissist:"Shewasalwaysdraggingmenbacktomygrandfather'sapartmentallthetime,andhe'dflingthemoutagain,andIwatchedon.
Thatwasmyfirst12yearsoflife.
"AlthoughOladescribeshavingpositivefeelingsforhisgrandfather,theseviolentepisodeshadadeepandnegativeimpactontheboy'smind.
Ononeoccasion,forexample,whenheandhisgrandfatherwerereturn-ingfromafood-shoppingtrip,theygotintoaheatedexchangewithsomeboysinthepark.
Thisendedwiththegrandfatherlashingoutatthemwithabottleoffruitsquash.
Later,whenOlawenttomixhimselfsomesquash,hediscoveredthattherewasbloodonthebottle.
Whenaskedhowtheseeventsaffectedhim,Olasaysthathewasalreadydissociatinghimselffrommostofhisunpleasantexperiences;thatis,hehaddevel-opedthetendencytoprotecthimselfandshutoffhisemotionallife.
Joar(28)reportsthathehasbeenconstantlysurroundedbyconflictandviolencesincechildhood.
Hesawhismotherbeatenbyhisfatherandwitnessedhisbrotherbeingsexuallyabusedbythefather,inadditiontoM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen109sufferingabusehimself.
Variousformsofsexual,physicalandpsychologi-calviolencewerearegularpartofhiseverydaylife.
Forexample,hisfatherwouldtakehistwosonsinthecarwhenhewasinebriatedanddrivearoundattopspeed,terrifyingthem.
Despitearelativelyearlydivorceandtheirrelocation,hisfatherrepeatedlyhuntedthefamilydownandcontinuedtoterrorisethem.
Unfortunately,thesituationdidnotimprovewitheitherofthetwonewmenwithwhomhismotherwentontohaverelationships,afterdivorcingJoar'sfatherandfinallymanag-ingtoescapehim.
Oneofthemenabusedtheyoungboyssexually,whiletheotherwasphysicallyandpsychologicallyviolent;amongotherthings,Joarwassubjectedtoforcedfeeding.
Theirmotherwasrapedwithinear-shotofthechildren.
Beingawitnesstoviolencecanbeveryfrighteningandhaveasimilartraumatisingeffecttobeingexposedtoviolenceoneself,somethingthatisstressedinDSM,theNorthAmericanpsychiatrydiagnosismanual.
Terjedescribesamanwhowasacquaintedwithhisfamilyduringhischildhood.
Althoughnooneinthefamilywasviolentthemselves,thismanwasaheavydrinkerwithaviolenttemper(hewasalsosexuallyabu-sivetowardsTerjeonacoupleofoccasions).
Theviolencedidnothappeninthefamilyhome,butwhentheyvisitedtheman'shouse.
Terjedescribesanincidentwhenthisman"gotintoanargumentwithsomemateofhis,whogotathoroughbeating,gottotallysmashedup.
Hewassuperstrongandliftedhismateupandthrewhimupontoafence.
"Naturally,thisexperiencewasveryfrighteningforthe9-year-oldboy.
Researchshowsvariousnegativeconsequencesofwitnessingviolence,aswellasacorrelationbetweenthisphenomenonandothermanifesta-tionsofviolence.
Amongotherthings,aclearconnectionhasbeendocu-mentedbetweentheexperienceofwitnessingviolenceandavulnerabilitytoviolence(MossigeandStefansen2016).
Childrensubjectedtoviolencebyparentsrunanincreasedriskofbeingsubjectedtoviolencebytheirpeers(MossigeandStefansen2007).
Witnessingand/orsufferingvio-lenceinthefamilyhomehasgraveconsequencesonchildren,sinceachild'shomeisthemainarenaforsecurityanddevelopment(ThoresenandHjemdal2014;BraarudandNordanger2011).
WHOreportshavealsoshownastronglinkbetweenparents'psychologicalfunctioning,stressandfamilystructure,andtheriskofchildabuse(Krug2002).
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse110Aspreviouslymentioned,theconceptofpoly-victimisation(Finkelhoretal.
2007)hasbeenusedinstudiestodescribethefactthatthosewhoare,forexample,subjectedtooneformofviolenceveryoftengoontoexperienceotherviolence.
Thisistrueofmostofthemeninthisstudy,andwewillnowlookinmoredetailatthesemen'sexperiencesofbullyingandneglect.
BullyingandNeglectLikemanyofthemeninterviewed,Terjewasbulliedasaboy:"fromthefirstdayofprimaryschooltohighschool.
Almostdaily.
Ihadtogothelongwaytogethomebecausepeopleusedtothrowstonesatme.
"Odddescribesongoingandpainfulbullyingatschool.
Heturnedtohisteacherforhelp,butwentunheard.
SoOddtookthematterinhisownhandsandarmedhimselfwithabicyclechain.
Whenhewascorneredbyhisclassmatesoneday,hetookoutthebicyclechainandlashedoutwithit.
Histeachersenthimtotheheadofschoolandthechainwasconfiscated.
Butfeelingthathehadnoonetosupporthimorthathecouldfeelatallsafe,Oddnowarmedhimselfwithaknife,whichhehidinhisboot.
Erlend(41)describeshowhisdivorcedmothermetanewmanwhenhewas12yearsold,whichmeantmovingtoanotherarea.
Butlifewasdifficult,andhewasharassedandbullied.
Erlenddescribesthisasalevelofhumiliationthatanadultmighthandle,butnotachild.
Amongotherthings,Erlendwasforcedtoactasachauffeurforhisstepfatherwhenhewasdrunk,despitebeingnomorethan13yearsold.
Afteronelongeve-ningdrivingthecar(illegally),theboywastooexhaustedtogoonandhisstepfathertookoverthewheel.
Beingdrunk,hesoondroveofftheroad,butblamedtheaccidentonErlend.
Morethanhalfofthemenintervieweddescriberecurrentbullyinginchildhoodandatschool.
Itwouldbereasonabletoaskifthisapparentlinkbetweenvulnerabilitytosexualabuseandearlybullyingisacoinci-dence,orpartlyaresultoftheinsecurebackgroundsfromwhichmostofourparticipantscome.
However,sinceourmaterialisneitherextensiveenoughnortakesthisissueasitsprimaryfocus,wecanonlypointtotheprevalenceofchildhoodbullyingintheaccountsgivenintheseinterviews.
M.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen111Nevertheless,anindicationthatsuchalinkmayexistappearsinresearchthatshowsthatchildrenwithambivalentattachmentissuesarefrequentlyimpulsiveandvulnerable,whichinturnoftenmakesthemsusceptibletobullying(Bunkholdt2000).
Terje'sownreflectionsonwhyhewasbulliedareworthquotinginthiscontext:Ifyoulooklikeavictim,peopletakeyouforavictim.
Ifyoudon'tlooklikeavictimyouhaveabetterchanceofbeingsafe.
Thatexperienceofbullyingatschool—theyusedtohitme.
Isatathomeandputdrawingpinsinmyclothessoiftheyhitmethey'dgethurt.
ButwheneverIhadthemontheundersideofmyarmsInevergotbeatup.
BecauseIwasn'tafraidofgettingbeatupthen.
Clearevidenceofchildhoodneglectemergesinseveralofthemen'saccounts,asalreadydiscussed,andmaybediscernedinsomeoftheotherinterviews.
Thedivorceofparentsandabuseofalcoholordrugsallfea-tureregularlyintheaccountsgivenbyourparticipants.
Severalhavegrownupwithoutacloserelationshipwithafather.
Acoupleofmen,ontheotherhand,havelosttheirmothersearlyorlostcontactwiththem.
Inthevastmajorityofcases,thesiblingsofthemeninterviewed(wherethereweresiblings)havehadsimilardifficultexperiences,withsimilarnegativeconsequences.
ConsequencesofSexualandOtherAbuseDuringChildhoodRegardlessofhowandwhentheabusetookplace,aswellasitsextentandprecisenature,ithashadprofoundandlastingconsequencesforalltheinterviewees.
Mostdramatically,Arne(38)describestheconsequencesoftheabusehewassubjectedtoasa12-year-oldasa"realbeforeandafter".
Hehadarelativelyharmoniousearlychildhood,buthisparentsgotdivorcedwhenhewas7yearsold.
Itwasfiveyearslater,whenArnewassexuallyabusedbyhisfootballcoach,thathislifetookadramaticturn:"afewmonthsafterthat,everythingthatwasgood[inmylife]cavedin.
It'scleartosee—yes,inmyrecordswithdoctorsandpolice,andwiththeMenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse112drugsandalcohol,andthereareseveralsuicideattemptsandmyadmis-sionintoapsychiatric[ward]whenIwas16.
"Describingtheconse-quencesofabuseinequallydramaticterms,Kjartansays"itdestroyedeverythinginmyfuture.
Mylife,myjob,myfamily,mydaughter,every-thing.
Mywholelife.
"InKjartan'scase,itappearstohavebeentheresur-facing,fiveorsixyearspriortotheinterview,ofpartiallysuppressedmemoriesandemotionsconnectedtothesexualabuseofhischildhoodwhichhadsuchadevastatingimpactonhim.
Althoughtherearehugevariationsinthesortsofpsychologicalimpacttheabusehadonthesemen,thekindsofrelationshipdifficultieswithwhichtheyhavesincestruggled,aswellastheextentanddurationoftheirsymptoms,theevidenceisclearthattheeffectsarepronouncedandpainful.
Symptomsinclude,forexample,intermittentorlastinginsom-nia,difficultieswithconcentrationandproblemswithanxiety,insomecasesverysevere.
ShameandGuiltLikeotherchildrenwhohavebeensubjectedtoabuseorviolenceorotherdestructivebehaviours,theintervieweeshavealsohadfeelingsofshameandguiltaboutwhattheyexperienced.
Thereactionofshameorthetak-ingonofresponsibilityforwhatothershavesubjectedonetomayseemstrange,butisaverycommonandwidespreadphenomenon,especiallyamongchildren.
Thelogicbehindthisappearstobethatsinceoneissubjectedtosuchappallingandnegativeexperiences,thefaultmustsomehowliewithoneself.
Thissimplisticlogicisalsooftenreinforcedbytheperpetratororthepunishingparent,whowillstatethistobeafact.
Forthosewhohavesufferedabuse,asenseofshameandguiltseemstobemoretherulethantheexception.
Accordingtostudiesby,amongothers,Mullenderetal.
(2002)andSteinsvg(2007),childrenwhogrowupwithviolenceinthefamilyexpe-rienceasenseofdisempowermentandfeelthattheworldisfundamen-tallyunpredictable.
Itisnotrareforthemtoassumeresponsibilityfortheviolenceandtoexperienceguiltbecausetheyfeeltheymusthavedonesomethingwrongtocauseit.
Thisaffectstheirself-imageandsenseofM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen113worth,andchildrenwiththistypeofexperienceoftendescribeapro-nouncedsenseofshame(Mullenderetal.
2002;Steinsvg2007).
Thisisalsoevidentinourmaterial.
Joar,inparticular,feelsguiltonbehalfofhismotherandsiblings—theywereallvictims—fornotdoingmoretoputanendtohisfather'sviolenceandabusewhenhehimselfwasonly13.
Joarprotestedandtriedtoputastoptotheviolence,buthassincethoughtheshouldhavedonemore.
Heevenfeelsshameabouttheearlyabusehehimselfwasforcedtoendure.
Terje,whodescribeshimselfasaveryshyandeasilyembarrassedchild,hadasenseofshameinhisteens,feelingsurethateveryonecouldseewhathehadbeensubjectedto(i.
e.
sexualassault)andthathewaslikeanopenbook.
Hedescribeshowhealmostalwayswentaboutwithdowncasteyesasateenager.
Accordingtoresearchinthefield,commonconsequencesofviolenceandabuseinchildhoodincludeproblemswithattachment,socialavoid-ance,sleepdisorders,problemswithconcentrationandaggression,aswellasanxiety(BraarudandNordanger2011;Gladetal.
2010).
Self-Esteem,AlcoholandDrugsAllthemenintervieweddescribehavinglowself-esteem.
Theyhaveall,intheirdifferentways,struggledwithasenseofneverbeinggoodenough.
Eventhosemeninourstudywhoweresubjectedtopartnerviolencedescribeexperiencingasenseofinadequacyandfeelingsofworthlessness.
Themajorityofmen,althoughnotall,whohavebeensubjectedtosexualabusehavealsousedalcohol,analgesics,anabolicsteroids,cannabisand/orotherdrugstodealwiththeirsenseofworthlessnessandotherdifficultemotionalissues.
Inmanycasestheywerealreadysurroundedbyalcohol,andoccasionallyevendrugs,astheygrewup.
OneofErlend'searliestmemoriesisofsittingontopofthefreezerdrinkingbeerwhilehisfathertalkedonthephone.
Hisfatherpermittedthis.
Erlend'sdevelopmentalenvironmentwasdominatedbyregularpar-tyingandalcohol.
Hewasonly4or5yearsoldthefirsttimehegotdrunkataparty.
Thelittleboywassodrunkthathecouldnolongerwalkstraight,butstaggeredaroundandfellover.
EverybodyatthepartyMenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse114laughedandfoundthisfunny.
Althoughthiscaseisextreme,theeasyavailabilityandpresenceofalcohol(sometimesevendrugs)seemextremelycommoninthesemen'sbackgrounds.
Theabuseofvarioussubstances,withastimulatingorsedativeeffect,issomethingthatisalsofoundlaterinthesemen'slives,forshorterorlongerperiods.
Atveryleastweseetheuseofalcoholincertainsituationsinordertocopewithinsecurityandanxiety(forexample,inlargersocialsituations).
Arnedescribeshowhestarteddrinkingregularlyaftersuffer-ingabuseasa12-year-old.
Bytheageof16hehadprobablyalreadybeenheldinpolicecellstentimesforbeingdrunk.
Whenhewas21yearsoldhebecamealong-termdrugabuser.
Erlendfollowedasimilardrugabusecareer,consumingalcoholfromtheageof15onwards.
Afterafewyearshewasalsousinghash,amphetamines,cocaineandotherdrugs("Itriedeverything").
Fortunately,hesucceededingivingupthesedrugsattheageof29.
Kjartanexplainsthathestartedgettingdrunkwhenhewasonly12or13.
Now,despitehavingreceivedtreatmentfordruguse,hestill,attheageof36,strugglesnottofallbackintohisoldhabits.
Althoughthemajorityofthetenmeninterviewedhaveabusedalco-hol/drugsforlongerorshorterperiods,itshouldbenotedthatsomehavenot,orthattheiruseofalcoholhasbeenatanormalandsociallyaccept-ablelevel.
Thereareothermeninourstudywhoalsodisplaytheten-dency—albeitnotasaccentuatedorprominent—todrinkinordertoeasethepainandavoiddistressingthoughts.
SocialConsequencesBeingthevictimofviolenceandabuseearlyinlifeoftencausesvarioussociallimitationsinthefuture.
Accordingtocontemporarypsychologicalresearchconcerningattachment(Bowlby1994;Wennerberg2010),aswellaspsychoanalyticstudiesofthesignificanceofrelationships(Stern1995;Mitchel1988)andresearchontraumainvariousfieldsincludingneurology(Scaer2001;Scaer2005;Gerge2010;vanderKolk2014),wenowknowagreatdealabouttheimpactofachild'searlyrelationshipswiththeirparentsandotherclosecaregiversontheirrelationshipsinadulthood(Bunkholdt2000).
M.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen115Justasthereisanincreasedriskofpsychologicalproblemsforachildwhosufferssexualabuse,violence,bullying,harassmentorneglect,thereisalsoanincreasedriskthatthechild'sfuturesocialrelationshipswillbeadverselyaffected.
Ouradultrelationshipstendtoreflectourprimary,emotionallysignificantrelationships,particularlywithclosecaregivers.
Itisnotthat,inanover-determinedway,laterrelationshipstakeonpre-ciselythesamepatternasourveryfirstsocialexperiences,butthereisoftenalink.
Theadultrelationshipsofthemeninterviewedhaveoftenbeeninflu-encedbytheabuseandotherformsofviolenceandneglecttheyhaveexperiencedinchildhood,albeitinvaryingways:difficultyintrustingotherpeople(whichisheightenedifthesepeopleresembletheperpetra-torsoftheabuseorareofthesamegender)isbothstrikingandcommon.
Difficultieswithcloseandintimaterelationshipsinparticulararearecur-ringtheme,aswellasamarkeduneaseinvarioussocialsituations.
Arnesays,forexample,thathehasmanyacquaintancesbutfewrealfriends,andthathenowhasjustonereallygoodfriend.
Beyondthat,Arnedescribesfriendsandfamilyasabitofa"fantasy".
Erlend'sstatementisverytelling:"Ididn'tletanyonein.
Ihadsuchhighwalls.
Noonewasallowedin,Ishutdownmyfeelings.
"Somemenwhoasboyswereabusedbymenmaynowhaveverydiffi-cultrelationshipswithmeninparticular.
Bjarnardescribesthis:Well,it'sprobablythisthingoftrustingpeople,especiallymen.
Ididn'thavetoomanyfriendsbackthen…thematesIhavetoday,ofcourse,Imettheminchildhood,butI'veprobablyburnedlotsofbridgesandkeptpeopleatbay.
…Interviewer:IsiteasierwithwomenProbably,notconsciously,butunconsciously,yes.
Ifeelthatit'seasiertotrustwomenthanmen.
Ihavemorefemalefriendsthanmale.
Inareverseexample,Oddwhowassubjectedinchildhoodtoabusebyawoman,sayshehasalwaysbeenafraidofwomenandhasdifficultyrelat-ingtothem.
Hisexperienceswithgirlsasateenagerwerealsobad.
Oddalsosuggeststhathissocialrelationshipsingeneralarenotaltogethereasy:"decentpeopledon'twantnothingtodowithme".
Hethinkshesendsoutsignalsto,andisalsodrawnto,those"whoarefarfrombeingGod'schosen.
"MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse116Thepatternsthatemergearenotentirelyunambiguous,however.
Joarexplainsthatdespitehisbeingsubjectedtoabusebyhisbiologicalfatherandotherformsofviolencebyhistwostepfathers,itisprimarilyinhisrelationshipstofemalepartnersthatheexperiencesdifficulties.
Terjealsodescribesalifemarkedbyloneliness:throughoutchildhoodandadulthoodhehasbeenintenselylonelyandhasfewfriends.
Hehasneverhadagirlfriendorlivedwithanyone.
Oneofthemenwhoabusedhiminchildhoodhadsaidrepeatedlywhileabusinghimthatthiswassomethingpeopledidwhenthey"feltaffectionforeachother".
BecauseTerje'sexperiencewassofrightening,lovingorlikinganotherpersonseemedequaltosubjectingthemtoabuse.
Theconsequencewasagener-alisedfearofemotionalclosenessandphysicalintimacy.
Sexualabuseoftenoccurswithinparticularkindsofsocialcontext,frequentlywithindysfunctionalfamiliesandcommunities.
However,oneshouldnotbetooquicktoconcludethatallthesemenbelongtoonesocialgroup.
Aswaspointedoutbythedirectorofoneofthecentreswithwhichwecollaborated,whatthemenwhoseekhelphaveincommonisthattheyhavesufferedperiodicillhealthand/ormentalillness,aswellasothernegativeconsequencesoftheabusetowhichtheybeenvictim.
But,accordingtothedirector,theyarenotillintheusualsense.
TheyhavePTSDandhavegrownupinsituationsthatarecharacterisedbyneglectofcare.
Severalofthemenhaveobviouslygrownupinunstableandsome-timesbrokenfamilies.
Aclearindicatorofthisisthatsomanyofthemmentionsiblingswhohavealsobeenabusedandhaveexperiencedsimilardifficulties,orhavestruggledwithvariousmentalhealthproblems.
Joarwitnessedhisbrotherbeingsexuallyabusedbyafamilymember.
Hisbrotherwas10beforehebegantospeak.
Terjehasonebrotherandtwosisters;onewasdiagnosedasbipolar,theothercommittedsuicidefiveyearsago.
HisbrotherhasalsosoughthelpatthesamecentreforsexualabuseasTerjehas.
Erlend'ssiblingstoohavehadsevereproblems.
AlthoughErlendstoppedhisheavyabuseofdrugsyearsagoandhassincestartedtoputhislifeinorder,hisolderbrother'sliferemainshamperedbydrugabuseandheisdependentonhelpfromsocialservices.
InthecaseofKjartan,theextentofthesiblings'sharedsociallegacyisevenmorepronounced:outoffourchildren,threebrothersarenowdrugM.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen117addicts.
Nevertheless,severalotheroftheintervieweesareclearlyfrommorestablefamilies.
Aclearindicatorofthenegativesocialimpacthereistheemotionaldistancefromothersandtheoccasionalself-imposedisolationcommontomanytraumavictims—whethertraumatisedinchildhoodoradult-hood.
WarveteransandothersdiagnosedwithPTSD,orthosewhosuf-ferfromothermentalillnessesduetotraumaticevents,oftenchoosetoliveinisolatedplaces,separatethemselvesofffromothersorexhibitothersocialproblems(Ruzeketal.
2004;seealsoScaer2005,FigleyandNash2007;Tick2005).
Thisisalsoevidentinourmaterial,withseveralofthemenshowingatendencytoisolatethemselves,toretreatortoavoidcer-tainsocialsituationsoractivities.
Or,asSlvedescribesit,hefeelsfineataconferencewhilethefocusispurelyonwork:…butintheeveningsIgivethesocialisingamiss.
BecausethenI'mcompletelylost,Idon'tknowwhattodo,soImightjustaswellsitaloneinmyroomratherthansittingdowntherealone.
Researcher:DoyoufeeldistantoralienatedtootherpeopleYes,Iget—Idon'tfindit'seasytosussoutwhetherpeoplelikemeornot.
ThenIgetsuspicious.
NaturallyI'vedevelopedaverywell-functioningradarforpeopleIshouldavoidandpeopleIshouldmixwith….
InawayIcanspotthemfromafar.
ButatthesametimeIcanseethatmybarriers,mycomfortzone—I'vebuiltupbarrierssoastofeelsecure.
Andeverythingthat'sbetweenthereandthere—IloseoutonbecauseIdisplay—Igetevasive,insteadofforth-coming,peoplegiveuponme,Iwithdraw.
Aswehaveseen,thelivesofthesemenareaffectedanddictatedinadult-hoodinmanywaysbytheviolentexperiencestheyhavehadaschildren.
Inadditiontoproblemswithanxiety,guilt,shameandotherdifficultemotions,manyhaveexperiencedproblemswithalcoholanddrugs.
Poorself-esteemseemstobetheruleratherthantheexceptionandoftenhasnegativeandrestrictiveeffectsonthesemen'ssocialrelationships,albeittovaryingdegrees.
Occasionallyoneglimpsesanevenmoretangiblelinkbetweenpainfulchildhoodexperiencesandsimilarexperiencesinadulthood.
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse118EarlyVulnerability—IncreasedRiskofDestructiveRelationshipsinAdulthoodOnequestionraisedbytheseinterviewsiswhethertheremightbeacon-nectionbetweenearlyexposuretoviolenceandsexualabuse,puttingthesemenatgreaterriskthanothersofendingupinsimilarsituationsagaininadulthood.
TheconceptofreenactmentisveryfamiliarandhasbeendiscussedinpsychotherapeuticliteraturesinceFreud'stime,receiv-ingrenewedinterestinthecontemporaryliteratureontrauma.
Thereisatendencyinthosewhohavesufferedtraumatorepeatverypainfulexperi-encesoverandoveragain,puttingthemselvesinharm'sway,despitetheseeminglyillogicalanddestructivenatureofsuchbehaviour(Scaer2005;ThoresenandHjemdal2014).
Whileourmaterialislimited,someofthemoreinterestingexamplesareworthamentionheretothrowlightonthissubject.
Joarhasbeensubjectedtoagreatdealofpsychologicalandevenphysi-calviolenceasanadult,including,ononeoccasion,beingstabbedbyhisformerpartner.
Inhisownwords:"BecauseIconsistentlygoaftergirlswhodon'tfeelgoodaboutthemselvesandthenIthink:OK,nowIcanhelpyoufixthingssoyoucanhaveabetterlife.
"Hislastrelationship(mentionedearlier)eventuallybecamesodestructivethatJoarlostanyinterestinlifeanddevelopedsuicidalthoughts.
Joarbelievesthatthissituation,whichhedideventuallygetoutof,cameaboutbecauseheallowshimselftobeoppressedbywomentooeasily,somethinghewouldneverallowamantodo.
JoarreflectsonthefactthathismotherwasabusedbyafamilymemberasachildandwentontochoosemenwhointheirturnsubjectedJoarandhisbrothertoabuse.
Hesays:"Ichoosewomenwhoarenogood,don'tI,Icontinueonthesamepath.
"Odd,whowassubjectedinchildhoodtosexualabusebyanadultwoman,hasbeenrepeatedlysexuallyharassedbyhismother-in-law,whoexposedherselftohimandmadeunwantedsexualadvances,despitehisaskinghertoleavehimalone("It'sbeenahellforme").
Atthetimeofhisinterview,Oddhasbrokenallcontactwithhismother-in-lawforsomeyearsandrefusestomeether.
Asoutlinedearlier,hisrelationshipsespe-ciallytowomeninvolveahighleveloffear,althoughheexperiencessocialrelationshipsingeneralasacomplexarea.
Symptomatically,Oddliveswithhispartnerinhiscountrycabin.
M.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen119Erlendreflectsonthelackofboundariesprevalentintheenvironmentinwhichhegrewup,whichwasexpressedmostdrasticallyperhapsinthesexualabusetowhichhewassubjectedasachild.
Erlendwasintroducedtoinappropriateattitudestosex,whichhebelievesaffectedhissexualityasanadult,sothatforaverylongtimehissexualitywasdisconnectedfromanyemotion—hewasobsessiveyettotallyindifferent.
Evenwhen,earlyon,hewasinalong-term,stablerelationshipwithawoman,hehadcasualsexwithotherwomen.
Erlenddescribeshowafewyearspriortohisinterview,hehadbeenlockedinathreesomewithacoupleheknew.
Tohisownsurprise,Erlendgotinvolvedinasexualactwiththewomantogetherwithherveryproactiveboyfriend,withouthavingreallyunder-stoodwhereitwasgoing.
Hedescribesaparticularsexualactwhichtheothermancarriedoutonthewomaninhispresenceasbothbrutalandunpleasant,despitethewomanhavingconsentedtotheact.
AfterwardsErlendfeltastrongdisgustandthathehadsomehowbeenabusedagain.
Hereflectsonhisinabilitytosaynointhissituation:"thatpsychologicalbindyougetinto"isconnectedtochildhoodabuse.
Inactualfacthehadnodesiretoparticipate,butstillallowedhimselftobedrawnintothissexualsituation.
Slvedescribesacomplicatedandincreasinglytroublingsexualrela-tionshiphehadwithafemalecolleagueforaperiodoftime.
Inretrospect,hedescribesthisintermsofhishavingbeensubjectedtoabuse,endingupinthewoman'sclawsandunabletoleavetherelationship.
Hesays:"Becausesheplayedonthesamestringsasmymother,soIwasinarela-tionshipagainstmywilloranabusivesituationwithherfortwoyears.
"EventuallythesituationgotoutofcontrolandnearlypushedSlvetosuicide.
Itwasonlythankstothehelphereceivedfromthecrisiscentrethathewasabletoescapethisdestructiverelationshipandmoveon.
Avoidance,Hyper-VigilanceandOtherReactionstoTraumaOtherspecificdifficultiesthatindividualintervieweeshavehad,whichcanbedirectlylinkedtothesexualabusetheysufferedinchildhood,includedifficultiesineatingcertainfoods,compulsivewashingorrecur-ringnightmaresaboutpastevents.
AlltheseresponsescanbeseenasMenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse120indicatorsoftraumatisation,andintheinstancesdescribedabovethisisclearlythecase.
Thekindsofsituationoractivitythatothermeninourstudyhaveavoidedforsimilarreasons—becausetheyinvolvephysicalcontactorexposurewhichcanbeassociatedwiththeirexperiencesofabuse—mayincludefootball,gymnastics,bathinginpublicswimmingpoolsorintimatehygieneforothers(e.
g.
throughtheirwork)orforthemselves(e.
g.
dentist).
Somemenindicatethattheabusemeantthattheyalsodevelopedanexcessiveneedforcontrol;thatis,"hyper-vigilance".
Thelatterinvolvesanalmostconstantvigilanceandexcessivealertnesstopotentialdangerinone'ssurroundings.
Formermembersofthemilitary,forexample,whohavespentlongperiodsinwarzoneswheretheyhavebeenobligedtopaycloseattentiontohostileactivitiesandmovements,candevelophyper-vigilance.
However,traumatisedpeoplewhohavebeensubjectedtoprolongedpsychologicalorphysicalabusemayexhibitsimilarsymptoms,evenwhentheyarenolongerinasitua-tionwheretheyareexposedtosuchdangers.
Hyper-vigilancemeansthatthecentralnervoussystemofthesuffererisoveractive,aformofstresswhichisconstantlyswitchedon(FigleyandNash2007,50ff;Scaer2001,pp.
79,86,99).
Inseveralcases,theintervieweesdescribeencounterswithsomeonewholookedliketheirabuser,triggeringapowerfulsenseofunease.
Terje,whorecentlyencounteredaflasherataparty,wassostronglyremindedofhischildhoodabuserandsooverwhelmedthatheblackedout.
Hewokeupinthehospital,butblackedoutagainwhenhewasleaving.
WhenTerjeactuallyencounteredhischildhoodattackerinashop,itwas,hesays,asthoughtheentireroomfroze,fromfloortoceiling,andasthougheverythingclosedinonhim,"likeafog".
Terjequicklyexitedthestore,terrifiedofmeetingthemanfacetoface.
Ola,whosufferedasachildfromneglect,repeatedphysicalviolenceandwasalsosubjectedtosexualabuse,saidhelearnedtodissociateearly.
AlthoughOlahasoccasionallyhadunpleasantmemoriesandflashbacks,hehasnotexperiencedmuchanxietyoranystrongsenseofdiscomfort.
Instead,theabusehasgeneratedaninternalflightmechanisminhim,atendencytoconsciouslyremovehimselfmentally.
Alreadyasachild,therefore,Olabecamefearlessandarisk-taker.
Andwhenhewaswithfriendshegotakickoutofchallengingsecurityguardsandotheradults,M.
I.
LienandJ.
Lorentzen121forinstancebyclimbingoverroofsorgettingthemtochasehim.
Hispropensityforrisk-takingeventuallyledOlatoasuccessfulmilitarycareerandlateracriminalcareer.
Terjeimaginedthathewassomeoneelsewhenhewassubjectedtoabuse.
Hesaysthatbyobliteratinghisownself,thepaindiminished.
Joarsaysthatheisverycapableof"closingmyselfoffcompletelyanddoingnothingandjuststaringstraightaheadofme".
Askedifthisislikehavingtunnelvision,heconfirmsthatthisiscorrect.
Erlendsaysthathewasnotreallytroubledbyanxietyorpainfulmemoriesorimages,ratherthattheywere"shutdownandlockedaway".
Hehaddonethesamewiththesexualabuseashenowdidwithanyunpleasantexperience:"I'donlydonewhatIdidwitheverything,putitbehindmeandforgotit,wedon'ttalkaboutitanymore,soitdidn'thappen.
"Kjartanalsomanagedforalongtimetosuppresstheextensivesexualabusetowhichhehadbeenexposedfromearlychildhoodtopuberty.
Butlater,whenhissuppressedmemoriessuddenlyreturnedtohiminadulthood,hehadasubstantialcrisis,duringwhichhesufferedsevereanxietyandpanicattacks.
AlloftheabovereactionsandsymptomsdescribedbyourintervieweesarepossiblesymptomsofPTSD.
Whilethismaynotbetheexplanationforallofthem,andtheymayinsteadbelinkedtootherconditions,itshouldbenotedthatsomeofthemenhavebeendiagnosedwithPTSD.
SuicidalThoughtsAccordingtostudiesinvestigatingthelinkbetweenexposuretotraumaorneglectinchildhoodandvariousformsofillhealthinadulthood,sui-cideandsuicideattemptsareconsiderablymorecommonintheexposedgroupthaninanormalsampleofthepopulation(Felittietal.
1998).
Inameta-analysisofavailableresearchontheconsequencesofsexualabuse,Paoluccietal.
(2001)foundthatsexualabuseinchildhoodoradoles-cenceresultsinasignificantriskofsuicide.
StudiesofPTSDshowthesame.
AstarkillustrationofthiscomesfromUSwarveterans.
InrecentyearsduringwhichtheUSArmyhadalarge,activepresenceinAfghanistanandIraq,moresoldierswerelostthroughsuicidethandiedinbattle.
Thesedeathsoftenhappenafterthesoldiershaveleftthebattlezone,sometimeslongaftertheiractualmilitaryservice.
MenWhoAreSubjectedtoSexualAbuse122Asimilarvulnerabilitycausedbychildhoodexperiencesisalsoseenamongourinterviewees.
Suicidalthoughtshavebeenfoundinthemajor-ityofthem,whetherthesehavebeenconstantlypresentoronlyforshorterperiods.
Althoughnotallofthetenmenreportrecurrentorperi-odicthoughtsoftakingtheirlives,thefrequentoccurrenceofthisinthematerialsayssomethingabouttheseverityofthesufferingthatabusedmencarrywiththem.
Erlendwasonly16yearsoldwhenhefirstthoughtthathemightjustaswelldie,becausehefelthehad"nopurpose"inlife.
Joarsayswithreferencetohispoorself-esteemandlackofself-confidencethathesome-timeshadhugedoubtsaboutthemeaningoflife:"soIcanjustgoandjumpintothesea,simple".
Odd,too,describeshissenseoffailureasleadingtosimilarthoughtpatterns.
Sometimes,whenhewasdrivingacarandcametowardsalorry,hewouldthinkthatitwouldbebetterifitdrovestraightintohim,aslongasitwasoverquickly.
Hedescribeshowatsuchmomentshewouldjustthink:"comeon,comeon!
"Insteadofbraking,hewouldputhisfootontheaccelerator.
ForperiodsoftimeOddhasseriouslycontemplatedandevenmadedetailedplanstotakehisownlife,buthasneverbeenabletogothroughwithit.
Kjartansufferedaseverementalbreakdownfiveyearsbeforetheinter-view.
Thememoryoftheabuse,whichhadpreviouslygonefromhismind,suddenlyresurfacedwithaccompanyingemotionsandleavinghimunabletosleep.
Kjartaneventuallyattemptedtokillhimself,animpulsewhichhasoccasionallyreturnedsince.
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